Soccer Sorcery

David Moyes reported for his first day as Manchester United's new manager on Monday and, as you might imagine, the experience was a trying one. Being Sir Alex Ferguson's replacement was never going to be easy and though the players haven't even returned from their summer break yet, Moyes still faced a number of challenging situations throughout the day. Manchester United's photographer was there to provide us with a record of this jarring experience... "Car successfully parked! This job is going to be easier than I thought!" "Oh no. What did they say the passphrase was? 'Twenty titles'? 'Glazers rule'? 'Ah yes 'Sir Alex Ferguson is an immortal god amongst men who can never be matched.' "Stairs?! No on said there'd be stairs!" "Why are you all laughing? All I said was 'I'm the new manager and I'm going to convince Wayne Rooney to stay.'" "OK, fine. I won't sign Leighton Baines. J...

After winning an unprecedented German treble with Bayern Munich last season, Jupp Heynckes is utterly revered among fans of the Bavarian side. In fact, a Danish postman holds the recently-retired coach in such high regard that he decided to have his 68-year-old face tattooed on his calf. Twenty-six year old Niklas Dini spent 200 getting an astonished version of the manager's face inked onto him, along with the message "Danke Jupp" ("Thank you Jupp"), the club motto "Mia san mia" (which roughly translates to the title of the Ke$ha classic " we are who we are ") and a large star proclaiming his status as a record breaker. When German newspaper Bild asked him why he had the tattoo of a face that looks like it could belong on a pasta sauce bottle tattooed on his body, he simply said: "He is a very special coach. This is my way of saying thank you. " Pep, it's now up to you to earn the real estate on Dini's left calf. No pressur...

The USA and England may have finished rock bottom of their respective U-20 World Cup groups, but Mexico will progress to the knockout stage of the Istanbul tournament thanks to a 4-1 demolition of Mali last Friday. The third goal was scored by Santos Laguna striker Jesus Escoboza, who connected with a flicked header from teammate Marco Bueno to confidently slot home with his left foot. Escoboza may have considered finishing with his right foot, had his right boot not come off while making the run towards goal. Some have suggested the goal is actually illegal, as the rules state that play must be stopped if any players' footwwear comes off this regulation made a controversial appearance in Manchester Utd's Europa League exit to Athletic Bilbao in 2011-12 , when the Spaniards scored shortly after a free kick was awarded for Patrice Evra's boot coming off. However, the guidelines also state: "If a player loses his footwear accidentally, and immediately plays the ball and...

Brazil capped off an impressive run of performances in their first turn as Confederations Cup hosts by beating Spain 3-0 to win the tournament for the third time in a row and fifth overall. Though Confederations Cup titles have become a regularity for Brazil never before given much praise, the fact that this one ended with a comprehensive victory over SPAIN!!! the World Cup and back to back European Championship winners riding a 29-match unbeaten streak in competitive matches seems to have made this one different. Before the match even ended, eulogies for Spain possession-heavy style of play were already being written while others were prepared to give Brazil their sixth World Cup title a year early. But after the match, Neymar the 21-year-old who won the tournament's Golden Ball and Bronze Boot advised everyone to hold the phone. From Reuters : "Lets keep calm, let's keep our feet on the ground," he said as Brazil emerged as serious contenders to win the World Cu...

Though Brazil's Fred and Neymar combined to score every goal in their side's 3-0 win against Spain in the Confederations Cup final, neither of them could score more goals than confounding trophy collector Fernando Torres over the entirety of the tournament. Torres was awarded the Golden Boot for finishing with five goals, the same number as Fred and one more than Neymar. And given the unenjoyable result for his team, he understandably looked less than thrilled about his unwearable new shoe. As he did at Euro 2012 , Torres won the award on a combination of tie-breakers. Torres and Fred both had just one assist, so it had to be decided on fewer minutes played, once again proving Torres to be the most formidable...ish scorer in a given competition since he played just 273 minutes to Fred's 423 . Which also proves that Torres possesses the even more admirable trait of being supremely economical (as long as we're not talking about transfer fees no one say anything about tra...

Down 3-0 to Brazil in the 68th minute of the Confederations Cup final, Spain defender Gerard Pique decided to introduce himself to his new Barcelona teammate Neymar and he was shown a red card for his trouble. Desperate to prevent Neymar from scoring his second goal of the match and fifth of the tournament, Pique greeted Neymar with a sliding challenge as the eventual Golden Ball winner looked certain to blow past him for another chance on goal. Neymar went flying and the ref showed Pique a straight red to put Spain down a man and allow Brazil to cruise to their fifth Confederations Cup title. Neymar will surely express his gratitude when Barca's training begins for the new season. This has been the Dirty Tackle of the Day: a chronicling of unfortunate events.

Fueled by a sea of noise from the home crowd at the Maracana and with an unbeaten streak in competitive matches at home dating back to 1975 (56 games), circumstances conspired to give Brazil a quick lead on reigning world beaters Spain in the Confederations Cup final. A cross into the box in just the second minute of the match got lost in a confusion of bodies. Even though he was laying on the ground, Brazil striker Fred managed to put the ball past Iker Casillas to score the fastest goal Confederations Cup final history (which only dates back to 1992). Emboldened by drawing first blood, Brazil continued to attack as Spain struggled to get any momentum in the first half. When they finally did get a shot past Brazil keeper Julio Cesar, David Luiz made a brilliant sliding clearance to maintain the lead. And then, riding a wave of confidence that could be seen from space, Neymar extended Brazil's lead to 2-0 just before halftime. Here's David Luiz... UPDATE: Second verse same as ...

Coming off an exhausting shootout loss to Spain in the semifinals, Italy and goalkeeper Gianluigi Buffon in particular were eager to end their Confederations Cup experience by washing out that bitter taste in the third-place game against Uruguay. A pair of second-half Edinson Cavani goals kept Italy from finishing off the 2011 Copa America winners in regular time, and once again, extra time only provided another 30 minutes to wear the players out even more. So for the second straight match, Italy were faced with a penalty shootout and this time, Gigi Buffon remembered that he's Gigi Buffon. Uruguay's Diego Forlan opened the shootout and was promptly shut down by Buffon. Italy then made their first two attempts before defender Mattia De Sciglio missed on their third, allowing Uruguay to pull even. Buffon then decided he'd had enough and stopped consecutive shots from his Juventus teammate Martin Caceres and, finally, Walter Gargano to win third place for Italy. After the mat...

Though just 35 years old, Spurs manager Andre Villas-Boas says he will retire from football management within the next 5-10 years to live his dream of competing in the Dakar Rally. And judging by the conviction with which he speaks of the decision, it seems like this is a serious plan that he is committed to carrying out. From Sky Sports : "My passion for football makes me live it very intensively over 11 months and dedicate myself to that, but I think life allows you to enjoy other things," he is quoted as telling Portuguese newspaper O Jogo. "For me, there is a limit and, in the next five to 10 years, I will quit coaching. "To compete in the Dakar Rally is a lifetime ambition for me and is something I know I have to do. "It went from a passion to an obligation, a destination of life, but I can only do it when I leave football. I will do it." "I do not know where my career will take me," Villas-Boas concluded. "What I do know is that it wil...

Montreal Impact defender Hassoun Camara scored a 38th-minute equalizer against Colorado with a clever bit of skill that didn't even require standing up. After tumbling over an opponent in a failed attempt to head a corner kick, Camara found himself sitting in the box. In the confusion as the ball squirted around, it made its way to Camara's feet, allowing him to flick it up to himself and get a shot off while sitting with his back to the net. Since the goalkeeper's attempt to defend the corner kick left him on the ground further up the pitch than Camara, there was no one to stop the shot from going in. Though the commentators in the video above didn't seem too impressed, it was a creative and wonderfully executed maneuver. But it wasn't enough to get a result for Montreal as they went on to lose 4-3.

With the Confederations Cup final between Brazil and Spain on Sunday, Neymarmania has reached new heights as the mere sight of the 21-year-old is making fans pass out from overexcitement outside Brazil's hotel. Neymar has surpassed the impossibly high expectations for him at this tournament scoring in all three of Brazil's group-stage matches and setting up both goals in their semifinal win against Uruguay to earn a place on the Golden Ball shortlist . And with that success, the squeals of fans young and old have only gotten louder. At least, from those who can maintain consciousness upon seeing him in person. When Brazil arrived back at their hotel after training Friday night, a now customary pack of young girls were waiting for them outside. Globoesporte picks up the story from there : The biggest problem was when Neymar got off the bus. Upon hearing his name, the ace turned, waved to the teenager and entered the hotel. The girl could not stand the excitement and fainted. As...

Independiente president Javier Cantero was forced to flee the stage in the middle of speaking to supporters at the club's basketball arena when a group of fans rushed the stage throwing chairs and other objects. This comes less than two weeks after the record seven-time Copa Libertadores champions were relegated from the Primera Division for the first time in club history. At the time, supporters put on display singing and cheering the players despite their own sadness and tears . But now the sentiment has apparently turned to anger, at least for the ultras (surprise!). From Goal.com : Cantero was due to speak with supporters for the first time since the club suffered relegation from the Argentine Primera Division, but was subjected to jeers and chants as he entered the room, with some fans throwing plastic bottles and even a pair of shoes in his direction. After speaking for a few minutes, Barra Brava hooligans entered and began to throw chairs at the podium where he was seated, ...

Xavi tears out the grass by its roots and shouting accusations of betrayal at it in a language that can no longer be recognized as Spanish. Despite the heat and smothering humidity, his jagged hair still stands on end, greasy like the face of a teenager who's running a marathon while massaging himself with a hamburger. He's dragged back to dressing room before he can pluck the whole pitch and there he sees a television for the first since arriving in Brazil. "Look," he says. "They're rioting in the streets because Spain have been violated! Even Brazilians will not tolerate the injustice of us losing." Though he isn't in the room, Bearded Andrea Pirlo laughs at this. He laughs so deep that the scene disappears, swapped for the realization that Xavi outrage which came so close being poured out was held back by smug satisfaction. Awake. Bearded Pirlo opens his eyes to let in the anonymous luxury of his Brazilian hotel room. Its expensive amenities mak...

If you're wondering why Leonardo Bonucci was the only player to miss a penalty kick in the shootout that finally brought an end to Spain and Italy's Confederations Cup semifinal , it might've been because he caught sight of this going on the stands. A Spain fan. Wearing a horse mask. And making out with the woman next to him. That's enough to make anyone miss. It's also enough to intrigue Dimitar Berbatov, but that's neither here nor there.

Monaco have already spent more than 120 million on transfers this summer as they prepare for their return to Ligue 1, but all their money won't prevent them from starting the season two points behind every other club in the league. Incidents during and after their final home match of last season, in which they sealed the Ligue 2 title and their promotion, have resulted in a three-point deduction (one of which is suspended, which means it will only be enforced if there's another incident). From Reuters : Fireworks were set off during Monaco's last home game against Le Mans before fans invaded the pitch after the final whistle. During the melee, the referee was struck by a fan, according to the match officials report. "Regarding the seriousness of the facts, Monaco are condemned to one match behind closed doors and a three-point penalty, including one suspended, for the next Ligue 1 season," the LFP said in a statement. Though the justification for the punishment is...

Spain beat Italy on penalties in a match that seemed like it would never end to reach their first Confederations Cup final. After 120 minutes of blown opportunities from both sides, the rematch of the Euro 2012 final went to a penalty shootout and all of the sudden, no one could miss. The two teams put on a flawless display of penalty kick brilliance that started with a Panenka from Italy's Antonio Candreva which had Spain goalkeeper Iker Casillas sitting on his butt and watching as it floated into the net. Eleven more excellent penalties followed. Xavi and Alberto Aquilani. Andres Iniesta and Daniele De Rossi. Gerard Pique and Sebastian Giovinco. Sergio Ramos and Andrea Pirlo. Juan Mata and Riccardo Montolivo. Sergio Busquets and...then Italy defender Leonardo Bonucci sent his attempt sailing over the crossbar (pictured above). Spain just needed to make one more to win. Jesus Navas then converted Spain's seventh successful spot kick to give them the win and set up a final agai...

Demonstrating how little they care about anything but themselves and what little use they have for tact, FIFA went and announced the official champagne of the 2014 World Cup that disenfranchised Brazilians really don't want to host. So as if to taunt the protestors who are paying for FIFA's extravagant events (in addition to the 2016 Olympics) against their will, Champagne Taittinger was announced as the official symbol of decadence of the World Cup to follow up their title as the official champagne of the Confederations Cup. From Just Drinks : The family-owned company announced today (27 June) that it has signed a sponsorship deal with global football body FIFA that will run until the end of 2015. The tie-up, for an undisclosed sum, will see Taittinger boast the title of 'official FIFA Champagne' at the 2014 World Cup in Brazil. Champagne Taittinger will manifest its presence at the 2014 FIFA World Cup in the months to come through various initiatives with the help of ...

Since the departure of Didier Drogba and Nicolas Anelka, Shanghai Shenhua have been in financial meltdown, and have been hovering above the Chinese Super League relegation zone since starting the season with a six-point deficit for their part in a match-fixing scandal. On Wednesday evening, they were 1-0 down to fellow strugglers Changchun Yatai when Australian midfielder Matt McKay went down clutching his stomach, in what appeared to be a cynical attempt to run down the clock. Brilliantly named Shanghai midfielder Wang Shouting took it upon himself to hurry proceedings along by dragging the play-acting Aussie from the field. He succeeded with his objective, but the referee decided the act of aggressively heaving a potentially injured player from the field was worthy of a second yellow card. This has been the Dirty Tackle of the Day: a chronicling of unfortunate events. Video H/T: 101GG

The melodrama that surrounded Jose Mourinho's decision to bench Real Madrid captain Iker Casillas after he returned from a broken hand consumed the second half of last season for the club. Now, while Casillas plays for Spain in the Confederations Cup, Real have replaced Mourinho with Carlo Ancelotti and Casillas apparently feels like it's safe to speak about the emotional pain from which he has now recovered. From Casillas' interview with FIFA.com : On your return [from injury], however, you found yourself in the unusual position of having to sit on the bench at Real Madrid. How did you deal with that period? By thinking of the team and wanting what's best for Real Madrid. I cried, suffered, felt bad and had nights where I slept little, if at all. I'm a Madridista through and through, and before everyone else coaches, presidents, directors of football, even myself the club always comes first. Yes, like Spain teammate Cesc Fabregas before him , Iker Casillas also s...

Juventus completed the signing of Carlos Tevez from Manchester City on Wednesday and excited fans were eager to greet the Argentine at the airport and outside the club's offices. Upon signing a three-year deal with the Italian champions, Tevez was given the No. 10 shirt formerly held by Juventus icon Alessandro Del Piero a man who never refused to enter a match at his manager's request or disappeared to go on golfing excursions or twice demanded a transfer or had to serve 250 hours of community service for driving while disqualified . It's hard to say what Tevez's next act of gross insubordination will be, but for now he has a unibrow buddy in Juventus chairman Antonio Agnelli and everyone is happy....

For the first time in this Confederations Cup, Neymar went a whole match without scoring a goal in Brazil's 2-1 semifinal win against Uruguay. But he did put his mark on the game by setting up Paulinho's 86th minute winner and taunting Uruguay's Alvaro Gonzalez just before he did it. With the score at 1-1, Neymar was preparing to take the corner kick as Gonzalez who had been receiving pitchside treatment for an injury offered a few choice words while walking around him towards the benches. Gonzalez had been subbed off and Neymar responded to his jabbering by mockingly blowing him a kiss goodbye. He then dropped a well-placed corner kick onto Paulinho's head for the goal that would put Brazil back in the Confederations Cup final. Something tells me Neymar isn't going to be a calming force in relations between Barcelona and Real Madrid once he moves to Spain next season.

With massive protests going on outside the stadium and an old rival waiting inside it, you might've expected a more sombre mood from Brazilian players ahead of their Confederations Cup semifinal against Uruguay. But if you did, you obviously don't know very much about Brazilian footballers. Dani Alves, Dante, Paulinho and Lucas Moura arrived at the Estadio Mineirao with instruments in hand, making music as they walked through the corridors before the game. It's probably safe to assume that when they reached manager Luiz Felipe Scolari, he did his Uzbeki wedding dance .

Former Germany goalkeeper Jens Lehmann doesn't think Pep Guardiola will have much trouble in his first Bundesliga season with treble-winners Bayern Munich. Though one of Lehmann's old clubs, Borussia Dortmund, reached the Champions League final along with Bayern, Lehmann (and just about everyone else) thinks the club that won the Bundesliga by a 20-point margin last season will stroll to another title. From Goal.com : "The 'Boredom League' will be rather one-sided in the upcoming season," the former Germany international is quoted as saying by Bild . "Guardiola will take his place in the Bundesliga in conditions similar to those he enjoyed in Spain. "[Bayern andBarcelona] are two financially very, very successful teams. The rest are so far behind. No challenge will come from elsewhere [for Bayern]. The only challenge will come in the Champions League, or maybe the Club World Cup." When you're looking to the Club World Cup as one of the only ...

Just when you thought no Ronaldinho merchandise could possibly top this light switch cover , the tricky Brazilian has put his signature to a new line of condoms, enticingly named "Sex Free". Ronny isn't the first football star to have his name in latex: Christian Vieri once launched his own line of rubbers, while David Beckham was the unofficial spokesperson for a Chinese prophylactic that helped Wangs cover up their... nevermind. Ronadlinho's new brand are Atletico Mineiro-themed, with the box carrying the slogan "Eu sou Galo". It means "I am Galo," which is a nickname for the Brazilian team. As luck would have it, "galo" means rooster, or for want of a better term, "cock". H/T: KCKRS

Carlo Ancelotti has officially been named Real Madrid's new manager and everyone seems very happy about this. His affable nature has been hailed as the soothing balm needed to heal the club's burns from Jose Mourinho's more divisive approach. But the ease with which Ancelotti can fix all of these problems can only be understood by those who know the root of his powers. On his face. The following is a transcript of Ancelotti's first day on the job. Ronaldo: Hi, boss. Welcome to Madrid. Can I talk to you for a second? Ancelotti: [nods] Ronaldo: Well, I was unhappy a lot last season and now the club would like me to sign a contract extension, but I'm not sure if I want to. I'm confused and I just don't know what to do. Ancelotti: Ronaldo: OK, I'm looking where you're pointing and oh my. ... Your eyebrow is mesmerizing. Suddenly everything makes sense now. I will never experience sadness or indigestion again. Thank you, boss! Thank you! Pepe: Hell...

Liverpool kitmaker Warrior recently launched a new boot called the Gambler , which has a "gloryholes" feature designed "for precision fit in sticky situations." This prompted giggles and questions as to whether the company employs anyone over the age of 12, but considering the "deal with it" slogan, it seemed likely that Warrior were very aware of the double meaning of their words. Just to confirm this, Dan, a DT reader, sent off a friendly email to Warrior to say, "The new advert for your Gambler boot claims the boot has 'Glory Holes, for precise fit in sticky situations'. Please google Glory Holes (safe search on!), you might want to change that ;)" Here's the response he received: Dear Dan, Thank you for taking the time to email Warrior.com. I am so sorry that you found our recent add offensive. We as a company try to push the envelope and bring an edge to our slogans and advertising. I will be sure to pass your feedback along for ...

In the 86th minute of a Peruvian first division match between Real Garcilaso and Inti Gas Deportes Ayacucho, the referee got a little card happy and the result was a curious sending off. Down 3-2, Real Garcilaso's goalkeeper attempted to spark a late attempt to equalize with a long throw, but he put a little too much muscle into it and the ball ended up leading his teammate out of play in Inti Gas' half. As the player made a futile sliding attempt to keep the ball in, Inti Gas manager Rolando Chilavert put a foot out and made contact with him. Chilavert's challenge appeared to be a lazy/slow attempt to stop the ball from going astray, but the referee saw it different and showed him a red card. One of Chilavert's players was also shown a yellow, and up arguing the bookings, his goalkeeper was shown one too. Given this level of strict managerial punishment, someone should remind Jose Mourinho to never work in the Peruvian first division. This has been the Dirty Tackle of ...

South African Premiership champions Orlando Pirates will compete in the group stage of the African Champions League next month, after defeating Congolese side TP Mazembe in the second round of the competition by an aggregate score of 3-2 over two controversy-strewn legs. After the first leg in Johannesburg on April 20th, a visiting TP Mazembe fan was miffed enough about his side's 3-1 loss to approach the referee and 'assault' him. The fan was then able to evade capture after hiding in Mazembe's dressing room with the players. The Congo champs have now been handed a $5,000 fine by CAF for harboring a football fugitive. The Times Colonist reports: [The South African Football Association] said the supporter, described as a Congolese living in South Africa, assaulted the referee after the African Champions League game against Orlando Pirates in Johannesburg on April 20, then "took refuge" in Mazembe's dressing room. The supporter "approached and assault...

Mario Balotelli has been sent home from the Confederations Cup with a thigh injury ahead of Italy's semifinal revenge match against Spain and suddenly the heavily protested tournament doesn't seem worth playing anymore. Balotelli had already been ruled out of Italy's attempt to improve on their 4-0 loss to Spain in the Euro 2012 final, so manager Cesare Prandelli decided to send him home so as not to risk further damage to his thigh or anything else that could be damaged by an unoccupied Mario Balotelli. Building on his three-goal performance at Euro 2012, Balotelli was a driving force in Italy's success at this tournament as well. He scored twice in the group stage, include the winner against Mexico . He also set up Emanuele Giaccherini's goal against Brazil with an absolutely brilliant pass ( which can be seen here ). Though the tournament comes to a disappointing and premature end for Balotelli, it was still quite productive both on and off the pitch. While his...

According to a report from Brazilian media giant Globo, several employees at Spain's hotel in Recife confirmed that there was a bit more to the news of players having money stolen from their rooms than was originally revealed. The initial story, as confirmed by FIFA, was that several players, including Gerard Pique, had cash stolen from their rooms while they played their first Confederations Cup group-stage match against Uruguay. Globo's sources, however, claim that this didn't happen until after a party that followed the match. The hotel employees told Globo that a band was brought in to entertain the players after their 2-1 win, accompanied by a group of women, beer and caipirinhas. The band played until 1 a.m. and then five women joined five players and members of the technical staff for a late-night game of strip poker. Some of the players then retired to their respective rooms with some of the women and when they woke up the next morning, the ladies were gone and so...