DT Exclusive: Pepe defends his stomp on Messi

After stomping on Lionel Messi's hand during Barcelona's 2-1 win over Real Madrid in the first leg of their Copa del Rey quarterfinal, Pepe is once again getting waves of criticism from fans, commentators and fellow professionals alike. Even Wayne Rooney tweeted, "Pepe. What an idiot." The following is our version of Pepe's defense of his actions.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, everyone. Before you all get angry at me (again), you need to do what I always do: Take a deep breath, devote several minutes to rational and meditative thought, then react in a calm and considerate manner. By doing something like hitting a complete stranger with a sack of coins or putting a baby in a slingshot.

Unfortunately for me, people often misinterpret my actions and find malice where there absolutely is none (if you say there's malice, I will hit you). This business with Lionel Messi is no different. First, let me start by saying that I have nothing at all against Lionel Messi. He's an amazing footballer and I only have respect for the way he always beats my team in the most annoying and infuriating manner possible. Every night I pray that nothing bad happens to him. Like, I don't know, getting pushed out of an airplane by someone wearing a green jacket similar to the one I'm wearing right now or getting fed to a large, man-eating tuna fish by a person who looks exactly like me.

So with that in mind, you really have to believe me when I tell you that I did not intend to stomp on his hand hoping to shatter every bone in his body and force him to immediately start a new career manufacturing needlepoint belts at a price that simply is not conducive to a sustainable business. You also have to believe t! hat I di d not think it was his hand I was stomping on.

You see, his hands are so weirdly small that I thought his fingers were tiny poisonous Gila monsters trying to bite him. So naturally, as a caring and selfless human being, I immediately tried to stomp on them and kill them before they could bite the irrationally beloved Lionel Messi, thus injecting their poison into his bloodstream and causing him excruciating, debilitating and unending pain forever -- one of the many scenarios I often pray against and giggle about.

Imagine my horror when I saw they weren't tiny Gila monsters I stomped on and that my actions had done exactly what I did not want. I was mortified. Completely mortified. The Gila monsters, they -- well, they could've been Gila monsters. And I was going to apologize right then, but I thought -- then Ronaldo. And, uh...

OK, I did it on purpose. I'd say I'm sorry, but I'd rather...not. It wouldn't unstomp Messi's hand. Plus his hair is stupid and I hate him. Happy Christmas, everybody!

Hugs, kisses and hand stomps,

Pepe