Soccer Sorcery

On Tuesday, reports of Mario Balotelli commissioning a statue of himself sternly flexing quickly blanketed the Internet. But according to Italian paper Corriere della Sera, an email written by Balotelli and sent by his brother, claims the tale of a Mario Balotelli statue to be housed in Mario Balotelli's house is false . Since only every fourth ridiculous Mario Balotelli story is true, we all should have seen this coming. "I just want to play football," the paper quotes him as saying. "The story of the statue is false." The emailer then goes on to say that he never met the artist interviewed in the original report and never approved the project he detailed. We've been down this road before. In an interview with Oasis songwriter Noel Gallagher last year, Mario debunked a string of oddball reports about him that the English papers fudged during his time in Manchester. And now it seems the Italian papers are picking up where they left off. Then again, this is...

Following Real Madrid's 3-1 win against Barcelon at the Camp Nou in the second leg of the Copa del Rey semifinal, Jose Mourinho's hometown of Setubal, Portugal has unanimously voted to name a street after him. This might seem like a nice gesture, but given Mourinho's unprecedented success in four different leagues across Europe, he clearly deserves to have the whole continent named after him. Or, at the very least, the entire town of Setubal itself. From Reuters : The Setubal town hall said in a statement it had made the decision because of Mourinho's "extraordinary role in international sport". "He is, in all fairness, one of the coaches in the world with the most prestige and qualification." The exact street or avenue has not yet been chosen but the town hall's general assembly voted unanimously to approve the naming. After Mourinho declared that he should be called "The Only One" since he is the only manager to win titles in three o...

Once a stalwart of the defence that helped relegate Blackburn, Gal Givet has effectively been frozen out at Ewood Park, having only played once since December. The Frenchmanwho is out of contract this summersays that he is "done" with Blackburn Rovers, and that relegation to the second tier of English football has been "very hard to live with." Frustrated by the fact that his club have priced him out of the market when approaches have been made by other sides, the 31-year-old gave an insight into the misery he has faced living and working in Lancashire. The Daily Mail reports: 'Luckily, I have my wife and two kids,' he said. 'If left alone in Blackburn, I'd have already hanged myself.' It's a ill-judged comment that Givet apparently gave in jest, but it's probably not going to sit very well with his employers, nor the Blackburn tourism board. That said, I did once visit Blackburn for a few days of work, and it is a little like being at D...

Had it out with the players last weekend. Now I just have to stick it to the fans and the board to complete the manager's hat trick. Fingers crossed. Time to go rogue. Paulo Ferreira and Yossi Benayoun in the starting XI. Stage five berserker. You f*** with me and you f*** with the best, Frank Lampard and Ashley Cole! I hope the bench gives you hemorrhoids. It would be so great if John Terry just disappeared in a puff of smoke like a Spinal Tap drummer. First half -- nothing happening. I thought lower division clubs were only supposed to play with 10 men. Note for the FA: Supporters traveling to away matches should be banned. They are always the most passionate and sing the most hurtful songs. It's as if they were paying money to watch something they want to enjoy. Squad rotation > playing Juan Mata, Oscar and Eden Hazard together. Should I try growing a full beard? Just realized that Chelsea giving me a contract that said "interim" manager probably wasn't an e...

It's a cliche to describe a chip as "cheeky." It seems virtually all chips are described that way. But if ever there was one deserving of such a label, it's Jozy Altidore's chip against Ajax from 40 yards out in AZ Alkmaar's 3-0 Dutch Cup semifinal win. Altidore already had one goal on the day (and set up another) and with the match in its final minute of injury time, the result was already certain. But with AZ on the counter, Altidore saw that Ajax's goalkeeper was way off his line and quickly decided to chip the ball over his head from distance. It was perfectly executed and Altidore added the finalexclamationof his superiority on the day by laughing heartily before he celebrated. With that brace, Altidore now has 23 goals in all competitions this season. According to Sports Illustrated's Grant Wahl, that matches the record for Americans (US national team eligible -- i.e. not Giuseppe Rossi) in Europe that Clint Dempsey set last season with Fulham. ...

Fulham striker Dimitar Berbatov is best known for his laconic artistry on the pitch, but over the last year or so he's used Facebook to show off the artistic pursuits contained in his sketchbook . At least, the ones that aren't too sensual for social media. Join us now as we take a look inside the mind of... The Continental . These are the celebrity caricatures of Dimitar Berbatov ... "When i see something on the web,and i like it,i try to draw it..In this case..one of my favorite hip hop artist..Snoop Dogg..if u like it,i'll put some more:)" -- April 3, 2012 Is there a resemblance between Berbatov's drawing of Snoop Dogg and himself? Either way, spelling out the name in smoke was a nice touch. "Like i said before,if i see a picture or caricature i like,i try to draw it,to see if i can make it the same...i am just having some fun,and sharing it with you:)......This is the Greatest of them all....2pac:))" -- April 5, 2012 Clearly Dimitar's work he...

Chelsea beat Championship side Middlesbrough 2-0 in the fifth round of the FA Cup with an odd hodgepodge starting XI. Though you might think the club's first win in three matches would bring a smile to despised interim manager Rafa Benitez's face, it actually proved to be the opening act to his inevitable press conference meltdown (video below). Perhaps his most notable since his infamous "facts" rant while at Liverpool. Although, calling Marco Materazzi a liar nine times in 30 seconds last month was also interesting. Said Benitez after the Middeslbrough game (via the BBC ): "Chelsea gave me the title of interim manager which is a massive mistake. I'm the manager." If it was a massive mistake, why did you take a job with that title? "The fans are not helping us. At the end of the season I will leave. They don't have to worry about me." Why not leave now then? Instead of complaining about the fans and your job title, if you just left you m...

Joey Barton took time out of his busy schedule of defaming people on Twitter to participate in this week's second edition of Le Classique , the derby between Marseille and Paris Saint-Germain. Much was made of the English midfield battle between David Beckham and Barton before the Coupe de la Ligue match started, but our favorite pacifist philosopher actually got on the wrong side of Zlatan Ibrahimovic instead. After losing out in a header to Ibrawho is six inches taller and has the power of a thousand dragons being ridden by an army of Jason Stathams swinging Thor-style hammersBarton reminded him that he has a big ol' toucan beak on his face. Which is a bit mean. Oversized schnozzle aside, at the time of writing Zlatan just scored his second goal of the evening and his third against Marseille this week.

There was a lot of luck in Diego Braghieri's two-footed challenge on Ronaldinho during Atletico-MG's 5-2 Copa Libertadores win against Arsenal de Sarandi. Ronaldinho was lucky he didn't get his leg shortened at the knee by the lunging tackle, which caught him square on the shin. And Braghieri was beyond lucky to get away without so much as a booking. I'll repeat that: Braghieri didn't even get a yellow card for this. Oddly enough, the top story on Brazilian site Globoesporte isn't an impassioned fist-shaking at the Argentine defender who threatened the career of a national treasure -- it's a summary of outraged English headlines on the matter . This has been the Dirty Tackle of the Day: a chronicling of unfortunate events.

A picture has surfaced of Jose Mourinho and his technical staff smiling and holding up three fingers each in the dressing room after Real Madrid beat Barcelona 3-1 at the Camp Nou to advance to the Copa del Rey final on a 4-2 aggregate score. The photograph appears to have been taken with a glazed ham. It wasn't exactly the 5-0 drubbing Barcelona gave Real a couple years ago, so Mourinho probably won't make bus ads out of this like the Barca players did . Still, it's a fun bit of antagonistic prodding with yet another Clasico mere days away.

Jack Rodwell only made 17 appearances for Everton last season due to hamstring troubles that also kept him out of Euro 2012 and the Olympics, yet Man City paid 12 million for the 21-year-old midfielder in August. This season, the problems have persisted, but after changing his car, house and his pillows he's finally healthy. From the Telegraph : I had a low sports car, Rodwell said. That wasnt necessarily the reason [for the injury], but it was a factor. I also changed my pillows and moved a bit closer to Manchester as well because I didnt want to be sat in the same position [driving] for an hour a day. I tried everything because it means that much to me, but Im finally over the line I think." Rodwell now drives an SUV, lives closer to the office and presumably started using actual pillows instead of rocks from the bottom of a river. Sometimes footballers make sacrifices too.

Vaslui and Bulgaria defender Zhivko Milanov required some emergency dentistry after getting kicked in the mouth by Cluj Cadu during a Romanian league match on Monday. Milanov bent down to try and head away a ball in the center circle shortly before halftime, but he did it was Cadu lunged with a hugh boot, causing the mouth to foot collision. According to Reuters, Milanov had two teeth knocked out by the kick and then three more removed at the hospital after he was stretchered off. Cadu, meanwhile, was shown a red card and hopefully spent the rest of the day purchasing a set of dentures for Milanov. After the match, Vaslui coach Viorel Hizo described Cadu's kick as "a crime." This has been the Dirty Tackle of the Day: a chronicling of unfortunate events. Video via 101gg

Real Madrid scored a late goal to get a 1-1 draw at home in the first leg of their Copa Del Rey semifinal against Barcelona. But the second leg at the Camp Nou was a story entirely different from the rest of this season as Real Madrid cruised to a 3-1 win to advance to the final. It was a bit of a shock and that begs the question, "What if it continued?" 97' -- Gerard Pique trips himself, begins to bleed, considers becoming a stay at home dad. 101' -- Cristiano Ronaldo earns another penalty to complete his hat trick, but Swansea's Nathan Dyer attempts to take it instead, arguing that he's still owed a chance to take one. 105' -- Iker Casillas feels alone. 108' -- Lionel Messi sees a boob. 111' -- Scouting Real Madrid ahead of the second leg of their Champions League round of 16 tie against Manchester United, Alex Ferguson tells assistant Mike Phelan to kill them all. Phelan smirks, as he knew he wore a scarf for a reason. 114' -- Barcelona coac...

Now that his camouflage Bentley has been urinated on by a Manchester United fan , Mario Balotelli needs a new possession to intimidate anyone who visits his home in Brescia, Italy. So he has reportedly commission a local artist to create a sculpture of him doing his famous death-stare flex goal celebration . From the always excellent Football Italia : I received the commission, but have never actually met Balotelli, so I am working from photographs, local artist Livio Scarpella told Il Giornale di Brescianewspaper. I presented various sketches, but Mario wanted to be immortalised in the pose after a goal: muscles in evidence and an expression to challenge the opponents. This seems to be the pose he adopted after scoring the second goal against Germany in the Euro 2012 semi-final. I imagined him as an athlete from ancient times. The statue will be between the classic and pop style, in platinum and coloured bronze with the eyes made of precious stones. This might sound like Balotelli has...

Didier Drogba and Orduspor's David Barral had a nasty clash of heads during Galatasaray's 4-2 win on Monday. The two players were going for the ball on a Galatasray corner kick and though both were laid out by the collision, it quickly became clear that Barral got the worst of it. The Turkish striker, who momentarily lost consciousness, was put on a stretcher and taken to a hospital, but Drogba turned out to be OK. After the match, Drogba, still in his match gear, was driven to the hospital where Barral was taken and stopped in for a visit. If he wasn't well liked in Turkey already (he was), this would've done it. Here's a picture from the Gala PR team... When asked why he didn't join Didier on the trip to see Barral, Kitier Katba reportedly said, "F*** that guy."

Still in his first season with Swiss club FC Sion, World Cup winning midfielder and nightmare warrior Gennaro Gattuso has been named player-manager after the sacking of Terek Grozny. A 4-0 loss to Thun was too much for impatient owner Christian Constantin ( seen here singing a song about Gattuso and embarrassing everyone) to take with the club in fourth place, so he decided that drastic action was necessary. "The club's board have decided to make the players face their responsibilities," said Sion's statement on the matter . "To do this, from now until further notice, they will take charge of their own affairs. The club entrusts the responsibility for the group to its captain Gennaro Gattuso." The following are new rules and regulations that will be implemented by Gattuso now that he has assumed power. -All training sessions will be held within a ring of fire on an abandoned offshore oil platform. Players will be responsible for their own transportation to ...

After revealing a 17.8 million pre-tax profit for the six months to the end of November 2012 and a cash reserve of 123 million, Arsenal announced that they will donate all of the club's profits to a London children's charity. "Everyone keeps telling us to spend, spend, spend," manager Arsene Wenger told reporters. "Well, now we will. But instead of spending it on overpriced and overpaid footballers in the pursuit of ultimately worthless trophies, we are putting the money to good use and giving it all to a local children's charity. So there you go. You can't complain now because you'll look like an awful person if you do. Suck on that for a while." "Would watching grown men win a pot make you feel better than allowing a needy child to eat or sleep in a warm bed at night?" asked Wenger. "Would it? Nothing to say now, huh? No clever joke to tell in a Facebook tweet? That's what I thought." Arsenal fans have grown increasingl...

Newcastle could become the first Premier League club with slides installed to take fans from the stadium to the metro station in an attempt to make the act of leaving a match more fun. Or, depending on who you ask, far more dangerous. From Sky Tyne and Wear : Submitted by business improvement district company, NE1 Ltd, the plans would see two slides installed on the banked area around the stadium in late 2013, if permission is granted. They would allow the 53,000 visitors to St James Park on match days to ride the slides to St James car park and Metro station instead of taking the long flight of steps. The new structures would be the first slides of their kind to be installed in a public place in the UK. Similar slides, known as 'travel accelerators', are already being used by commuters in Holland. You might think that these slides would be implemented in an attempt to speed up the mass exodus from St. James' Park after matches, but practicality doesn't seem to be the p...

The Capital One Cup final between Swansea and Bradford was supposed to be a reaffirmation of all that was good about football. It didn't wasn't yet another rematch between the same old big, evil clubs that usually produce close and/or entertaining matches. Instead it was two smaller clubs that are run "the right way" and filled with players identified solely by how much money they aren't making or which big club passed them over. And the result was a 5-0 thumping -- the biggest win in League Cup history -- that even made Swansea kind of feel bad for their lovable League Two opponents. With Swansea already up 3-0 and controlling the ball like an only child who doesn't like to share, Bradford goalkeeper Matt Duke was sent off for taking down Jonathan De Guzman in the box in the 56th minute. The match was long over and there was still more than half an hour left to play, leaving Bradford players to fear that their magical day at Wembley would be soured by a craz...

Bragantino's Leo Jaime scored in the first minute of the second half against Corinthians with a casual little backheel while running towards the endline. It was a skillful shot off a well-placed cross that Jaime gracefully executed and it put Bragantino up 1-0. The two sides then traded goals, with Pato equalizing for Corinthians and Lincom putting Bragantino back up 2-1 within the next eight minutes. But Corinthians' Paolo Guerrero came up with another equalizer from the penalty spot to end their first match since the midweek Copa Libertadores game against San Jose during which a 14-year-old Bolivian fan was killed by a flare .

Times are hard for the S.League, the top flight of professional football in Singapore. Despite some clubs having a rich histories that extend back into the nineteenth century , average attendances of the twelve-team league dropped to a pitiful 932 last season. The former British territory is passionate about football, but as someone who visited recently, I can attest to the fact that the locals are primarily concerned with watching the English Premier League. The domestic game, therefore, is neglected like a ginger stepchild. After the S.League Supergals somehow failed to draw in the punters, Balestier Khalsa FC have taken matters into their own hands. The side from Toa Payoh have sent their players out into local neighborhoods, knocking on doors to try and encourage new fans. Club chairman S Thavaneson is quoted by Reuters : "The more often the players go knocking on doors, the higher the chances of them becoming familiar with residents," Balestier chairman S Thavaneson to...

Dutch second division sides De Graafschap and SC Veendam were tied at 1-1 with a few minutes remaining of their match on Friday night. De Graafschap hit the post in the dying moments, gifting the ball to Polish striker Piotr Parzyszek three yards from the goal, with absolutely nothing obstructing him from scoring and claiming the glory for three points. It would have been much harder to miss the giant target in front of him, but somehow Parzyszek managed to put it over the bar, denying the promotion-chasing side a valuable two points. Understandably, the home fans were in a booing mood when the final whistle blew. Video via 101gg

According to Spanish digital newspaper El Confidencial, former Barcelona manager and next Bayern Munich boss Pep Guardiola used a detective agency to keep tabs on defender Gerard Pique when he started dating Shakira . And Pique supposedly wasn't the only player subjected to a bit of snooping to help Barca ensure the perfect harmony necessary to foster the unprecedented levels of success they achieved under Guardiola. From Football Espana : El Confidencial are alleging today that the clubs Coach from 2008 to 2012 ordered the detective agency Metodo 3 to follow the centre-back, before and during the early days of his relationship with pop singer Shakira, to see that he was leading an orderly life. [...] El Confidencial quote a source who worked at the club during the time and was close to the players as saying that Guardiola and [director of external relations Manel] Estiarte did not hesitate in using the detective agency if they suspected a player was leading an unhealthy lifestyle ...

The working relationship between footballers and ball boys was damaged last month when Chelsea's Eden Hazard tried to kick the ball out from under a time-wasting Swansea ball boy . It was an ugly incident for both sides, but in Italy, these situations are apparently avoided by employing the sons of footballers as ball boys. This was the case for Cagliari's match against Torino on Sunday, where Caglairi midfielder Daniele Conti's son served as a ball boy. After Conti scored with an excellent header in the 75th minute to equalize at 2-2, he ran to the other end of the pitch to hug his ball boy son and melt away some of the unsavory memories of the Hazard incident. The tender moment was just the beginning Conti would generate. Torino made it 3-3 in the 92nd minute despite having two men sent off just before stoppage time. Conti then scored a winner in the fourth minute of injury time with a deflected shot. Here's Conti's first goal of the day, which is worth watching.....

Oldham beat Portsmouth 1-0 on Saturday with the game's only goal coming in the 11th minute, but the strangest moment (of any match that day) came in the 50th minute when Pompey defender Sam Sodje was shown a red card for smacking scorer Jose Baxter in the crotch. Twice. Why Sodje felt this was necessary is unclear. He appeared to be having words with Baxter when he hit him the first time. Baxter then covered his sensitive parts with one hand and pushed Sodje away with the other. Sodje approached him again, though, and hit him again in the same spot even harder than before. After a bit of discussion, the referee showed Sodje a straight red. Sodje didn't argue it. Even more surprisingly, he didn't punch the official in the testicles either. This has been the Dirty Tackle of the Day: a chronicling of unfortunate events. Video via 101gg

Horror! In a drastic attempt to prove that Lionel Messi is an actual human being and not an elaborate hoax , Jesus Navas stepped on his hand and drew a liquid resembling human blood during Saturday's match between Barcelona and Sevilla. A match Barcelona won 2-1 in which Messi scored the deciding goal because of course he did. Barcelona posted close-up photographs of the incident and the trickle of crimson fluid on their official website in a gallery entitled " Another side of FC Barcelona vs Sevilla match ." A feature-length film will be made about Messi's suffering. In related news, a 35-foot maple tree has already sprouted up from the spot on the pitch where a drop of the Messi blood fell. Its syrup has been scientifically proven to cure sadness and gout.

Though it took 100 years, Swansea's first (relatively) major trophy in club history couldn't have come much easier. After beating League Cup holders Liverpool and the shadow of European Cup winners Chelsea on their way to the Capital One Cup final against League Two darlings Bradford City, Swansea finished the job with a 5-0 win to become the first Welsh side to win the competition. It was the biggest win ever in a League Cup final and after Bradford goalkeeper Matt Duke was sent off in the 56th minute, about the only disturbance Swansea experience came from within their own team. Here are some of the best images from the match... It took Swansea winger Nathan Dyer just 16 minutes to score his first goal and after he did so, he set a tone for the day with his celebration by turning his shirt around on his body so his surname was facing forward. This would prove to be a bit of foreshadowing for how he considers the name on the back of his shirt to be more important than the one ...

Almost a month after signing for PSG, David Beckham made his debut in Paris, entering Sunday's Classique against Marseille in the 76th minute. PSG had a 1-0 lead since the 11th minute thanks to a Nicolas N'Koulou own goal. But with his wife in the stands and most eyes (and even a special Beck-Cam ) on him, Beckham helped set up Zlatan Ibrahimovic for an injury-time goal that would seal the win for PSG and give his French critics a sampling of how he can contribute ( outside of the club shop , that is). Beckham flicked a looping pass off the side of his foot to Jeremy Menez, who then knocked the ball off Ibrahimovic's knee to put PSG up 2-0. As soon as the ball settled into the far side of the net, Beckham jumped into Ibrahimovic's arms to produce what Canal+ declared the "image of the night" ... Somewhere in Barcelona, Gerard Pique knows he's been forgotten .