Soccer Sorcery

Lionel Messi scored his first international hat trick in Argentina's 3-1 win against Switzerland on Wednesday and he is crediting the breakthrough to the intense hatred football fans have for FIFA's Swiss president, Sepp Blatter. Though Messi has scored six hat tricks for Barcelona this season and a total of 13 over the last three years for the Catalan club, he had never been able to score three goals in one match for his country. But that finally changed during Wednesday's friendly in Switzerland, home to FIFA headquarters and Sepp Blatter's birthplace. "I could feel the passion of all the football fans around the world," Messi told the Argentine press after the match. "All of their displeasure for Mr. Blatter fueled me to score those goals against his country. It felt very strange. I don't hate anyone, even Mr. Blatter, but lots of other people do. Even babies. And pelicans." Blatter has become an internationally despised figure as the leader o

When the producers of soon to be released animated film The Pirates! needed a voice actor to dub the Albino Pirate character into Spanish, the only logical choice was Barcelona midfielder Andres Iniesta. Sure, he's not a voice actor, but the character's name is Albino. It had to be Iniesta. In the behind the scenes video above, we see the injured Iniesta at work, voicing the character played by Russell Tovey in the original English. Andres apparently though that voicing the third act of the film was "harder than playing football." Then again, he had to do this without Leo Messi. Forget the cartoon, watching Andres say his lines while making those hand gestures for an hour and a half is all the entertainment anyone could need.

Klaas-Jan Huntelaar clashed heads with Chris Smalling as he scored the second goal in the Netherlands' 3-2 win over England at Wembley. Huntelaar entered the match at halftime for Robin van Persie and scored 13 minutes later. But the collision left him with a concussion, a broken nose, missing teeth and a mouthful of grass while Smalling was bleeding from the head. Both players had to be taken out of the match and chances are neither will remember it.

There were chants of "USA" in Genoa, Italy, as the U.S. beat Italy for the first time ever in Wednesday's friendly. Clint Dempsey continued the season of his career by scoring the match's only goal in the 55th minute with a great setup from Jozy Altidore. The U.S. then withstood a barrage of shots from the Italians to hold on for the biggest win in their first 10 matches under new manager Juergen Klinsmann. And they were able to do it even with Landon Donovan unable to play due to illness. When the U.S. last faced Italy, they lost convincingly by a score of 3-1 in the 2009 Confederations Cup in South Africa before going on to shock the world by beating top ranked Spain. In the group stage of the 2006 World Cup, which Italy went on to win, the U.S. took a 1-1 draw against the Azzurri thanks to an Cristian Zaccardo own goal. Dempsey's goal made him just the fourth American to ever score against Italy and the first to do it from the run of play (i.e. not a penalty)

It's tradition for women to be the ones who propose to men on February 29 and during a Wembley stadium tour before England's friendly against Holland on Wednesday, it happened right on the pitch. After taking the tour throughout the stadium and ending up at the center circle hours before the start of the match, a woman named Kate explained the tradition to her boyfriend Jon. Though his initial reaction was to groan "oh no," when Kate showed him a stone engraved with the words "Jon will you marry me? Kate x," he agreed and their fellow tourists cheered from back on the touchline. As Kate explains in the video, Jon's 30th birthday was coming up and he had never been to an England match, so she thought it was the perfect time and place to invoke the leap day tradition. Jon, meanwhile, seemed quite surprised.

The wind can be a goalkeeper's best friend. Just ask Tim Howard, who put his name on the scoresheet with a 100-yard effort earlier this year. But unfortunately for Maccabi Haifa shot stopper Assaf Mendes, a strong breeze can also make you look like a chump. In a friendly match against Dynamo Kiev earlier today, Mendes took a goal kick into a blast of wind so strong that the ball ended up in the onion bag behind him. Apparently, the gale blew so fiercely later in the game that there was a delay when one of the goals started floating away. When the weather starts getting Biblical like that, it's probably time for the referee to call it a day. H/T: 101GG

Fraizer Campbell warms up during the England training session at Wembley Stadium He was the player groomed to be an England international from the age of 10 when first spotted by a United scout. Now two-and-a-half years since being shown the door at Old Trafford, Fraizer Campbell stands on the verge of making his Three Lions debut in the post-Fabio Capello era. It is a remarkable reversal of fortune for the 24-year-old, who has spent the last 18 months just fighting to get back on the pitch, let alone represent his country. The Sunderland striker looked in danger of becoming yet another promising talent that fell by the wayside when leaving United for Wearside in a 3.5m deal in 2009. Struggling to force his way past Darren Bent and Kenwyne Jones at the Stadium of Light, when he ruptured knee ligaments not once, but twice, his very playing career was in threat. Before returning against Middlesbrough last month, he hadnt played since his injury against City in

Stopping to sign autographs for a group of fans in Malaga as Spain prepare to play a friendly against Venezuela, Barcelona midfielder Cesc Fabregas was presented with the shirt of Real Madrid's German midfielder Mesut Ozil and he signed it. Of course, this was simply the polite thing to do, but it appears even the kid holding the shirt is stupefied by the fact that a man renown for his Barca DNA would sign the Real Madrid shirt of a German player. Then again, if Cesc read everything he signed, he might've never gone to London.

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-winning Dirty Tackle... "Beat your own shadow," the ad says at the end. "What if you've already turned into a shadow?" asks Fernando Torres. [YouTube] There is going to be a book about Football Manager addiction. [ KCKRS ] France's new away kit is classy. [ TBG ] Gigi Buffon says what many in Italian football are thinking. [ TFB ] Edigol? Cavani - Batistuta's heir. [ IBWM ] Well, Zlatan just found the next person he's going to slap. [ Kickette ] The Mark Hughes handshake workshop. [ Fitba Thatba ] Everything you need to know about Arsenal's finances. [ Swiss Ramble ] You can't choose your fans. [ The FCF ] Paul Scholes comeback a lap of honor. [ STI ] Portlandia meets the Timbers Army. Kitier Katba approves. [ The Sideline ] Carlos Tevez and Roberto Mancini write a song together. [ The FCF ]

On the day that a report of Andre Villas-Boas being informed that he'll get the sack if Chelsea are knocked out of the Champions League by Napoli, Jose Mourinho used his international break to "secretly" visit London with his wife. According to tabloid trinity of The Mirror , The Sun and AS (only the English two are claiming it as a "World Exclusive" though), the Mourinhos were in town to pick out a new home in preparation for their supposedly inevitable departure from Madrid this summer. And so Jose could not smile in pictures with fans on King's Road in Chelsea . This is being taken to mean that Chelsea, Spurs and even Arsenal are all "on alert" that Jose is on his way back to London and ready to grace one of them (or all three?) with his presence. If this is true and not just Jose's way of keeping himself and the papers busy during an interlull, then his two most likely destinations appear to be probable England manager Harry Redknapp'

Steven Gerrard said that he would "be there" for his cousin Anthony, who missed the final penalty in Cardiff's heart-breaking shootout loss to Liverpool in the Carling Cup final. Steven stopped to console Anthony before celebrating Liverpool's win, but Anthony obviously wasn't in the mood to listen. The following is a transcript of Steven checking in on his distraught younger cousin a couple of days later. Anthony: Hello? Steven: Hi, this is your cousin, 2012 Carling Cup winner Steven Gerrard. Are you feeling as great as I am yet? Anthony: Hi, Steven. No. I'm not. Steven: Well you should be because your cousin won the Carling Cup and you shouldn't just think about yourself all the time because that's really self-centered and mean to the members of your family that are happy right now. Also I just named my winner's medal "Anthony" in your honor because I'm super nice like that so you're welcome. Anthony: Yeah, I'm sorry,

Galatasaray are on white-hot form at the moment, leading the Turkish Super League by nine points after overcoming fierce rivals Besiktas in the Istanbul derby on Sunday. Credit for their success is in no small part due to Fatih Terim, currently in his third stint managing the club. To show their appreciation for his efforts and to provide an elaborate distraction from the current match-fixing trial Gala fans helped construct an impressive 3D display in his honor, emotively choreographed to the Braveheart theme. But wait how is it hanging in the air like that? Is it magic? A complex system of mirrors and holograms? Or is it hanging on string? Yeah, it's probably the string one. Plans for a similar display at Ewood Park were recently scrapped when it was discovered no one can stand Steve Kean. Or watching Blackburn. H/T: @JamesHorncastle

As we have already established, being a teammate of Zlatan Ibrahimovic's can be very painful no matter if it's club or country . But even when Zlatan isn't actively trying to thwack his teammates, he still does. In fact, he seems to be even more dangerous that way. During a Sweden training session ahead of their friendly against Croatia, Zlatan made easy work of midfielder Anders Svensson with a shoulder check, sending Svensson tumbling to the ground and right onto Celtic defender Daniel Majstorovic's leg. According to Celtic's official website, the impact ruptured the cruciate ligament in Majstorovic's left knee . That will keep him out of the rest of the season and Euro 2012 this summer.

With his recent move to Tottenham and a recall to the French national team, things are going well for Louis Saha in the tail-end of his career. So, what else would he have to talk about besides the hooker habits of young footballers? Saha told a French newspaper while promoting his new autobiography (via the Daily Mail ): "Let's be honest: women are the greatest temptation. For a young player, it's an achilles heel. "They can quickly be taken in, seduced by the girl who will cash in with a kiss-and-tell to the newspapers. "So it's hard to know who to trust and you become paranoid where women are concerned. Some players therefore prefer to use escorts." But, as Cristiano Ronaldo and Wayne Rooney will tell you (when his wife isn't around), sometimes that plan backfires . Also, Louis Saha would like to assure you that he isn't talking about his own personal experience here. It's this friend of his. Yeah. A friend...

It's a foregone conclusion that Spurs manager Harry Redknapp is the FA's top choice for the vacant England job. But after a 0-0 draw against League One side Stevenage in the FA Cup and a 5-2 loss to Arsenal at the weekend, some doubts have arisen as to whether Harry is truly the right man to lead England. So, Harry decided to write to the FA in an effort to allay any fears they may have. Dear FA, This is Harry Redknapp (actually, this is Jim Quentin -- I'm a ballboy at White Hart Lane, but I also do all of Harry's typing because he doesn't know how to send an email and he thinks the word "pancake" is spelled with a "q" and a cross between a tilde and a 9). I just wanted to send you a quick note (well, it hasn't been that quick -- he took a nap after that first sentence) to tell you that despite Spurs' recent results, the England talk is not affecting me (he already has me making a list of people who can't touch the World Cup trophy af

Back in December, we brought you footage of a dimwitted St. Pauli fan throwing a roll of paper from a cash register roll onto the pitch during a match with Eintracht Frankfurt. Getting hit by a piece of paper may not seem like a big deal particularly in Germany where throwing stuff on the pitch appears to be customary but it has had great repercussions for the club. A sports court at the German Football federation (DFB) has ruled that St. Pauli must play their tie with Karlsruher SC on March 12th without 5,800 fans in the standing areas of their Millerntor-Stadion. The lower capacity will effectively cost them 63,000 ($85,000) in lost ticket sales no small amount for a 2. Bundesliga side. German news site speigel.de explains how the fan who caused this financial world of pain cried like a little girl in court: At the trial on Monday in Frankfurt am Main, the 20-year-old supporter made a personal appearance as a witness and described his actions in part, while sobbing. The blubber

Before Cristiano Ronaldo scored with his seeing-eye backheel against Ray Vallecano, Sergio Ramos was lucky not to get sent off even before the half hour mark. He picked up a yellow card in just the third minute, putting him on dangerous ground from the start. And about 15 minutes after that, he casually employed a defensive technique that is usually frowned upon (keyword: usually) by elbowing Diego Costa in the face. Yet, instead of getting booked a second time, Sergio Ramos went unpunished for this, while Diego Costa was shown a yellow of his own for arguing that fact. And somewhere, Batman wept. Video via 101gg

Cardiff shocked just about everyone by recovering from the loss of their 16th minute lead over Liverpool in the Carling Cup final and then falling behind in extra time to push the match to a shootout with an equalizer of their own in the 118th minute. Cardiff goalkeeper Tom Heaton then came up with another shock by stopping Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard's first penalty of the shootout. Cardiff wouldn't capitalize on Liverpool's two failed attempts in the first two rounds, however, and with the Reds up 3-2, Cardiff needed defender Anthony Gerrard -- Steven's younger cousin -- to score in order to stay alive. Instead, the 26-year-old who was on the bench for the first 99 minutes of the match skidded his shot wide of the post to give Liverpool their first trophy in six years. Familiar with Carling Cup heartbreak (Steven recently said he was "suicidal" after Liverpool lost to Chelsea in the 2005 final, a match in which he scored an own goal), Steven immediatel

After a nervy 120 minutes ended 2-2, the Carling Cup final between Liverpool and Cardiff went to a penalty shootout that proved just as manic as the rest of the match. Both sides failed to convert their first penalty and Liverpool also missed their second, but eventually won 3-2 when Anthony Gerrard, cousin of Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard, put Cardiff's final penalty wide of the post. That gave Liverpool the win and their first trophy in six years, which was reason to celebrate for their many fans at Wembley. One young fan (who looks like a miniature Dirk Kuyt) celebrated with such abandon that he accidentally poked himself in the eye with his own joyously flailing arm. But, since this was likely the first trophy he's been aware of Liverpool winning in his lifetime, he just kept on smiling and enjoying the moment with both eyes closed. If any one moment sums up the emotions of the day for Liverpool, it's this one.

Cristiano Ronaldo scored his 37 goal in 36 matches and proved that he can put the ball in the net pretty much however he likes in Real Madrid's match against Ray Vallecano on Sunday. Ronaldo chased down the ball as it rolled around the box after Mesut Ozil fired in a corner and though he was running away from the goal, Ronaldo then took a big wind-up and kicked his leg backwards, sending the ball trickling past a handful of frozen defenders, teammates and the goalkeeper. That gave Real a 1-0 lead on their neighbors, but only because you can't get a bonus for audacity. Ronaldo now has 123 goals in 125 matches with Real Madrid. He'll probably score his next just by yawning.

Ten minutes after Antonio Nocerino gave Milan a 1-0 lead in the first half of their battle for first place against Juventus, Sulley Muntari headed in a second goal for Milan and even though the ball was well past the goal line, it was not counted. Of course, this could be yet another example of why goal line technology is necessary, but being Serie A, there's always that chance the officials had reason to conveniently not see a bright yellow ball bounce a couple of feet into the goal before being pulled back out. Video this way...

Trailing MK Dons 1-0 at halftime, Bournemouth needed a kick in the pants to spur them on to victory in the second half. Usually, it's the manager who delivers a stirring team talk to achieve this, but in the Bournemouth dressing room on Saturday, it was the owner's wife who took it upon herself to address the team. And it didn't work. Bournemouth, currently sitting in 10th place in League One, lost 1-0. After the match, chairman Eddie Mitchell explained why co-owner/41-year-old Russian oligarch Maxim Demin's wife thought she was Brian Clough for 15 minutes. From the Bournemouth Echo : [Mitchell] said: "She and her husband have put a lot of energy and a lot of money into the club through me and I believe that she is entitled to express her opinion. "It was half-time and I think in the second half we did as well as we did in the first half, so it didn't affect the game. "I think the people that are putting money into football are entitled to their say

Mario Balotelli scored Manchester City's first goal in their 3-0 win over Blackburn and he celebrated his goal by lifting up his shirt to reveal another special message. It was Mario's first goal since returning from his four-match ban for stepping on Scott Parker's head, so you might expect another message along the lines of his "Why always me?" shirt . Instead, he went with the more pedestrian "Raffaella ti amo" ("Raffaella I love you"). It's common for footballers to use their undershirts to declare their love for significant others, which is why it's surprising Mario would go that route. Unless, of course, he had a pack of llamas delivered to model/girlfriend Raffaella Fico 's apartment before the match even though she's deathly allergic to them and this shirt was his way of saying "just kidding!" Which seems entirely possible.

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK: 1. VIDEO CAMERAS -- IF THERE IS A VIDEO CAMERA BEHIND ME RIGHT NOW THEN I AM NOT GOING TO BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF THERE IS NOT A VIDEO CAMERA BEHIND ME RIGHT NOW THEN I AM NOT GOING TO BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!! 2. EVER BANEGA RUNNING HIMSELF OVER -- ONE TIME MY CAR BACKED OVER ME BUT IT DIDN'T KNOW WHO IT WAS MESSING WITH!!!!!!!!! SO INSTEAD OF IT BREAKING MY ANKLE I BROKE ITS ANKLE!!!!!!!! AND THEN I REALIZED CARS DON'T HAVE ANKLES AND THAT MY LEG WAS BENT AT A 57 DEGREE ANGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!!!! 3. FILIPPO ASKING INTER NOT TO LOSE -- CHILDREN SHOULD NOT TEASE OTHER CHILDREN!!!!!! ESPECIALLY NOT ABOUT WHAT CLUB THEY SUPPORT!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN I WAS A KID I WAS TEASED BECAUSE I ALWAYS SCREAMED EVERYTHING I SAID!!!!!!!!!!! SO I SCREAMED LOUDER AND THEY ALL CRIED!!!!!!!!!!! THEN I SCREAMED LOUDER AND I STARTED TO CRY BUT THAT WAS BECAUSE OF A TOTALLY UNRE

After three years and a recent run of poor form, Andrei Arshavin, everyone's favorite misogynistic women's clothing designer is being sent back to Zenit St. Petersburg by Arsenal. It's only a loan spell that will last until the end of the season, but it seems this could be the end of Arshavin's stay in London. So we've decided to compile some of our best memories from one of our favorite footballer's time in the Premier League. The beginning -- Arshavin is too good for Blackberrys. And Nicklas Bendtner... As a follow-up to that clip, there was Andrei's fantastic revelations about his Arsenal teammates that we covered here . Andrei eating pickle-flavored Lays his grandmother sent him: Of course, we love Andrei most for the ongoing (though currently on a hiatus, it seems) Q&A he does with the bizarre readers of his official website . There have been far too many hilarious/strange/unhinged/unsettling moments to list (here's the full archive of our po

With the recent focus on racism in football, the fight against homophobia in the game has been overlooked by some. But, Real Madrid manager Jose Mourinho reminded us of this other scourge during international Football v Homophobia week in the wrong sort of way while inspecting the frozen plastic pitch in Moscow ahead of Real's Champions League match against CSKA earlier this week. As he lamented the state of the turf in front of a camera for Spain's Cuatro, Mourinho referred to absent match officials as "maricones" ( definition here ). Said Louise Englefield, co-president of the European Gay and Lesbian Sports Federation to The Mirror : "It's totally unacceptable as far as we're concerned. "UEFA need to do something about it. "The English FA are now dealing homophobia in the same way as racism and we would call on UEFA to do the same. "I would hope UEFA would want to sanction homophobia exactly as they would with racism." Of all the t

Iceland's Steinthor Freyr Thorsteinsson's is quite good at flip throw-ins and he demonstrated this fact repeatedly in a friendly against Japan. ( The Footy Blog has video ). The water bottles on the ground somehow make this picture even better.

Ghana finished fourth in the 2012 African Cup of Nations, which was ultimately a disappointment for the team that outlasted all other African sides in the 2010 World Cup. And now, Ghana's Serbian manager is blaming witchcraft and self-sabotage for their inability to meet expectations. From the BBC : Ghana coach Goran Stevanovic has revealed deep divisions within the squad, saying some players used witchcraft against their own team-mates. The Serbian made his claim in a leaked report on the Black Stars' failure at the 2012 Africa Cup of Nations, where they were beaten by eventual winners Zambia in the semi-finals. "We all need to help in changing some players' mentality about using 'black power' to destroy themselves, and also make sure we instil discipline and respect for each other," the coach said. Former Ghana player Sarfo Gyami told the BBC that witchcraft "has always happened" but only for good luck and never against their own teammates

Blackburn fans really don't like manager Steve Kean. They've expressed this through signs, protests and even planes throughout a season that has the Rovers teetering on the brink of the relegation zone. Their vehemence in their position has only grown the longer Kean remains in his position and since large segments of humanity aren't able to keep football in perspective, Steve Kean now feels the need to keep a karate expert with him at all times. And no, it's not Zlatan Ibrahimovic. From Sporting Life : [Kean] told The Times: "I was advised that it would be in my interest to have somebody with me at all times. "I was at a restaurant with my wife and children a few months ago and got a text message from a friend telling me to be careful. "There was stuff going out on Twitter from an activist group which identified the restaurant so that people could confront me. "I showed the text to my wife and we decided to leave straightaway. "We didn't t

As Chicharito can attest, scoring goals with your face produces an unusual mix of joy and throbbing pain. In an indoor match played under the threat of being smothered by a giant U.S. flag, the goalkeeper's weak attempt to clear the ball careened off an opponent's face and went into his own net. And as the scorer of that winning goal writhed around in pain, everyone cheered. Presumably for the goal.

Since moving to Arsenal and demonstrating the fact that he's pretty darn good at football, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain has become hot property in the advertising world. He's already hawked the wares of Nike and French car manufacturer Citroen, and the good folks at Disney were planning to use him in a photoshoot this week. That plan, however, has been vetoed by a concerned Arsene Wenger. Says The Mirror : The Gunners boss put his foot down because the shoot, proposed for this week, was too close to Sunday's north London derby against Tottenham. While it's fair for Wenger to want to limit distractions for the 18 year old, this news surely raises a baffling question: why on earth would Disney want to take pictures of The Ox? Is he going to be on Pinocchio's float at the Magic Kingdom parade? Has he scored a lucrative leading role in the much-anticipated sequel to Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2? DT can only conclude that he has been cast as the eighth dwarf. And that he'll

When a corporate sponsor buys the right to rename a part of a stadium, fans sometimes take issue with it and bemoan the loss of another piece of their club's soul. But this probably made it worthwhile to Copenhagen fans. Carlsberg recently bought the naming rights to the C-stand at Copenhagen's Parken Stadium, so to christen it, they rigged up a humongous bottle of Carlesberg and smashed it into the side of the stand, sending beer and glass cascading down the aisles. And why would they willingly cover an area where people have to sit in sharp glass and sticky beer? Well, considering the fact that the Parken Stadium has been around since 1990, this probably isn't the first broken bottle that stand has experienced.

With underwhelming results on the pitch and discord between the players and manager in the dressing room, Roman Abramovich must once again decide whether to keep his current manager or sack him and try another one. This, is the Roman Abramovich Game. This week's contestant: Roman Abramovich. Take it away, Roman... OK, this is going to be a difficult one, but I'm ready. Wish me luck, everybody! If I don't sack Andre Villas-Boas: -I don't get to sack him...yet. -Chelsea might not finish in the top four. -Frank Lampard's legs will shrivel like dried chili peppers as he sits on the bench. -Ashley Cole will probably shoot him with an airgun. -I still won't have anyone able to make the magical potion necessary to turn Fernando Torres and Raul Meireles back into good footballers (does it involve glue sticks?). -I'll get another mocking text message from Jose Mourinho. If I do sack him: -I'll get another mocking text message from Jose Mourinho. -I'll be one

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-winning Dirty Tackle... Sporting KC defender Aurelien Collin is making a run for Dimitar Berbatov's title of...The Continental. [YouTube] Run of Play is in exile. On Tumblr. Some lovely bits already. [ Tumblr ] There is a Steven Gerrard themed hotel in Indonesia. [ KCKRS ] The Internet has killed football fantasists. [ WSC ] A list of horrible and unusual footballer injuries. [ The FCF ] Good read: Vikash Dhorasoo made a documentary about his experience on the substitutes' bench during France's 2006 World Cup run. [ Soccernet ] The awesomest business cards you will ever see. [ TBG ] Lu-Lu-Lu Lukas Podolski in his usual garb. [ Kickette ] Barca's Scottish hero -- George Pattullo. [ IBWM ] A new YouTube channel worth checking out, starring DT's own Ryan Bailey. [ Kick ] FIFA 12 physics bloopers are always enjoyable. [ He did BBQ ] An interview Daniel Cousin, the recent attempted signing of cash-s

It's been a long time since Joey Barton was anywhere near an England shirt, but the QPR midfielder has today leaked an image of the brand new strip the Three Lions will wear in next Wednesday's friendly with the Netherlands. Barton spilled the image via his Twitter feed, presumably after attending some sort of Umbro preview (We're not ruling out a break-and-enter at this point). The sportswear brand can't be too annoyed with the leak, however, as the microblogging voice piece of the western world later posted an additional picture of the new strip. And now Umbro have posted more pictures on their blog : The new red and white design has already courted plenty of controversy the FA's latest contract with Umbro stipulates that the national kit will be changed roughly every 18 months, rather than the previous two-year cycle. This means the current strip ( a natty white and blue number ) has only had a shelf life of eight games, and the new strip will get the elbow midw

Manchester City pounded Europa League defending champions Porto 4-0 on Wednesday to advance on a 6-1 aggregate score. Porto defender Nicolas Otamendi got the worst of the team's misfortunes on the day when teammate Maicon went to kick a high ball that Otamendi was trying to head away in the 63rd minute, resulting in a boot to the face for Otamendi. The bloodied Argentine received treatment on the pitch before he had to be subbed off. Man City then added three unnecessary goals in the final 15 minutes. So at least Otamendi wasn't around for that.

Standing in the middle of the street is never a good idea -- especially when you're a reporter holding a microphone in the path of footballers trying to flee the training ground. One reporter outside of Milan's Milanello complex apparently thought that not only standing in the middle of the street, but sticking her microphone out to moving cars would be a great way to get an interview. Instead, she caught the rearview mirror of Zlatan Ibrahomovic's Audi A3 in the arm. According to La Gazzetta dell Sport, an ambulance arrived a short time later to treat the woman, who mentioned plans to sue Zlatan for what happened. Milan, however, have released an official statement clearing Ibra from any wrongdoing. A.C. Milan wishes to communicate that objective information regarding the incident means that Zlatan Ibrahimovic cannot in any way be held responsible for an eventwhich occurred yesterday and has been widelyreported by the media. Considering the face slaps and head kicks I

Existing in the shadow of Bayern Munich's much more popular football team, the club's title-winning basketball team wanted to draw some attention their way at the end of last season. So, head coach Dirk Bauermann came up with an idea. From the AFP : "With five games remaining, we won the championship (in 2011) and Bastian Schweinsteiger could have actually played for us at the time," Bauermann wrote in his new book, which has been serialised in German daily Bild. "The idea was discussed with our sponsors Adidas." But as much as Adidas probably enjoyed the profit potential of a two-sport star, the football guys weren't about to let their star midfielder risk injury for the basketball team. "The fact Schweinsteiger would not play for us was ultimately one of common sense, imagine if he he was knocked down or injured," wrote Bauermann, who has coached the national team. "There were just too many unpredictable risks." The risks on the foo

Three months and 10 million in fines after refusing Roberto Mancini's request that he warm up a second time during a Champions League match and then fleeing back to Argentina without permission, Carlos Tevez has apologized to the club that could not sell him. The following is a transcript of Tevez's apology, with the help of his adviser Kia Joorabchian, to the man who vowed that Carlos would never play for City again. Joorabchian: Roberto, if you have a minute, Carlos has something he would like to say to you. I will translate for him. Mancini: Fine. Go ahead, Carlos. Tevez: (clears his throat) Ungggh. Joorabchian: Carlos says, "I wish to apologise sincerely and unreservedly to everybody I have let down and to whom my actions over the last few months have caused offence. My wish is to concentrate on playing football for Manchester City Football Club." Mancini: He clearly did not say any of that. Joorabchian: Yes, he did. You know very well that Carlos doesn&

When you've had a long career, won a bunch of trophies, made enough money to finance a movie starring 50 Cent and merk'd half of England 2006 World Cup team , staying motivated on the pitch can be difficult. But not for Rio Ferdinand, who, as a 33-year-old adult man draws his motivation from the young hecklers who goad him as he walks his children to school. From The Sun : "When you're walking up the path to school, you don't want little kids laughing at you or making fun of you because you've been beaten. "That's what happens if you lose games or get knocked out of competitions. "Young kids can be unforgiving. There's nothing in their minds that goes, 'he plays football, leave him alone'. If anything, they're even worse for it. "And there's still a little kid inside me who has pride and an ego and wants to make sure I can walk up that path and nobody can say anything to me because we've won. "I know as soo

Paying attention is always important when you're a referee. Not only to ensure that you're enforcing the laws of the game, but to protect from looking like a spaz when the ball comes your way. The referee in this match between East Juniata and South Williamsport was apparently caught looking at something other than the goalkeeper kicking the ball because when it came at him, instead of getting out of the way, he tried to catch it and ended up falling over. He then showed everyone in attendance a red card for laughing at him.

The Uniao da Ilha samba school made the second night of the Carnival parade in Rio de Janeiro's Sambadrome even more enjoyable by dressing up as cartoonishly distorted footballers. And what better footballer to give such a treatment to than Wayne Rooney? In a representation that highlights the hair transplant he got this year, the dancin' Rooney marched along with his Brazilian counterparts. He was also far from the most unsettling member of the group... Is that Ronaldo or Schlitzie from Tod Browning's Freaks?

Following a disastrous week that included a 4-0 Champions League loss to Milan and getting knocked out of the FA Cup by Sunderland, virtually ensuring a seventh straight year without a trophy for Arsenal, manager Arsene Wenger has addressed growing calls for his resignation. "There has been a lot of conversation about whether I will remain with Arsenal or leave," Wenger told reporters. "But I will tell you that I am still committed to this project. So committed that I will continue to manage Arsenal until the day Theo Walcott wins the Ballon d'Or or the day Andrei Arshavin scores four goals in a Premier League match again. Whichever comes first. Or at all. Only then will my work here be complete." Walcott has thus far failed to keep pace with Wenger's own expectations of him developing into a " prolific goalscorer " like Thierry Henry. Arshavin, meanwhile, is the subject of a missing persons case in London that has prompted 12 detectives to suffer

The Bundesliga's rich tradition of fans throwing missiles onto the pitch continued over the weekend, when an unruly Hamburg supporter launched a plastic cup at Werder Bremen's Marko Marin. While heading towards the corner flag, the winger was struck on the ankle, creating such an enormous centrifugal force that he was swept off his feet. To be fair, it does appear that there is a solid object like a lighter within the cup, and that might hurt when thrown from distance. It's all very well to criticize Marin's reaction, but perhaps we should be aiming our contempt at the chumps who think it's great fun to try and injure the football players they pay to come and see.

Despite living and working an Atlantic Ocean away from England's capital, Thierry Henry is planning to demolish his $9.5m London mansion in order to build... a slightly different mansion. A significant difference will be a 40ft fish tank, which will span all six floors of the property. The Daily Mail reports: Stretching 40ft from the bottom of his house to the very top, it will take 5,500 gallons of water to fill, house 300 fish and cost a staggering 250,000 [$400,000] to build. His proposals detail the extravagant four-storey aquarium. As well as the vast cost of construction, the 15ft long by 3ft wide tank will set Henry back 12,000 [$19,000] a year to run, including weekly inspections at about 50 [$80] an hour. The annual bill for fish food alone would be 2,500 [$4,000]. That seems like an awful lot of money for fancy fish. If Henry wanted to see something witlessly float around without achieving anything, he should just watch some of Andrei Arshavin's recent highlights. Un

A young Lionel Messi superfan wanted his favorite player carved into his hair, so he went to his barber and let the masked man go to work. The result...is this. The image of Messi came out looking more like Leo after a face transplant performed by Pablo Picasso. Which, depending on how you look at it, is either unfortunate or kind of awesome. The kid is lucky that his barber can at least be trusted to actually stick to the Messi theme and not prank him with a Cristiano Ronaldo on the back of his head.

Barcelona came back from conceding a 9th minute goal to beat Valencia 5-1 on Sunday. Lionel Messi scored four of those goals just because he can, but with Barca up 3-1 in the 77th what seemed like a routine substitution of Thiago for Cesc Fabregas got a little frisky. Fabregas gave Pep Guardiola a hug as he made his way to the bench, but after the two exchange a few calm words, Guardiola shoved Cesc by the back of the neck. Cesc laughed it off, but Guardiola didn't seem so happy. Guardiola and Fabregas did share a laugh as they walked off the pitch after the final whistle, so this was probably just a "heat of the moment" type situation. Or Arsene Wenger temporarily seized control of Pep Guardiola's body and finally released some pent-up frustration.

Filippo, a 9-year-old Inter fan, was tired of his favorite club losing, so when he attended Saturday's match against Bologna, he brought a sign with a polite personal appeal written on it. "Can you win? Otherwise I'll get teased at school. Thanks. Filippo," his sign read in Inter's black and blue colors with an arrow pointing down to himself so they would know exactly who was asking. In the end, Filippo's attempt to avoid a bit of teasing was in vain as Inter lost 3-0 to lowly Bologna -- their third straight Serie A loss and third straight match without even scoring a goal. After the match, Inter tried to make it up to Filippo by inviting him to their training ground for a special gift . From Football Italia : He received his own personalised shirt from captain Javier Zanetti and President Massimo Moratti personally called the boy's family to organise the special trip. "I won't change team, as I remain an Inter fan," Filippo told Telelombardi

Footballers have suffered some bizarre injuries over the years -- like Ivano Bonetti's fractured cheek bone from a plate of chicken wings or Chic Brodie's career-ending broken kneecap from a dog that ran on the pitch . And now, Ever Banega can add his name to the list. From Reuters : Valencia playmaker Ever Banega will have surgery on a damaged ankle suffered after he failed to set the handbrake in his car at a petrol station and it rolled back and trapped his foot, Spanish media reported on Sunday. "The player Ever Banega has suffered an automobile mishap after training and will have an operation on an injury to his ankle this afternoon," Valencia said in a statement. As embarrassing as that may be for Banega, he can take comfort in the fact that he wasn't injured by a child's tricycle like David Batty.

With nearly nine million likes, Fernando Torres still enjoys a great deal of support on his Facebook page . But his continued inability to put the ball in the net has even led that bastion of support to promote the loss of faith in his abilities. On Saturday, before Fernando Torres was subbed off at halftime of Chelsea's 1-1 FA Cup fifth-round match against Birmingham for Didier Drogba, poll results from an outside website revealing that a majority of fans preferred Drogba in the starting XI was posted to the Facebook page by "Fernando Torres." And that posting went on to receive the second most amount of likes in the page's recent history. Though the story was likely auto-posted to the page simply because it contained his name, this is just another indignity Fernando Torres has been subjected to of late. Poor Fernando. Thanks to @PoojaM93 for the tip!

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK: 1. EDINSON CAVANI -- YOU ARE THE DEVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAYBE INSTEAD OF SCORING GOALS ALL THE TIME YOU COULD DO SOMETHING NICE LIKE WALK INTO THE DEEPEST OCEAN AND NEVER COME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! UNLESS THERE IS A REALLY GOOD SALE ON WIRELESS ROUTERS SOMEWHERE!!!!!!!!!! THEN YOU CAN COME BACK FOR A LITTLE BIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2. HERVE RENARD CARRYING HIS INJURED PLAYER TO ZAMBIA'S CELEBRATION -- AHHHHHHHHHHHH MY EYES ARE LEAKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP LOOKING AT ME WHEN MY EYES ARE LEAKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 3. ALESSANDRO DEL PIERO WAKING A GIRL IN A COMA -- SO WHAT?!?!?!?!??!! I DO THIS AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHENEVER I'M WATCHING THE LITTLE MERMAID AND THAT PART COMES ON WHERE ARIEL'S FIN TURNS INTO UNMUSCULAR HUMAN LEGS I ALWAYS SCREAM "NO ARIEL YOU DO NOT WANT HUMAN LEGS!!!!!!!!!! YOU DO NOT WANT HUMAN LEGS!!!!!!!!!!!!" AND THE NEXT DAY I ALWAYS READ A

"Remember, there's only one Zlatan and this is Zlatan and this is my story." -- Zlatan Ibrahimovic (seriously) And with that statement*, Milan striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic introduces what is claimed to be the world's first interactive biography app now available (in English) for the iPad. Based around his best-selling book, aptly titled "I am Zlatan," the app includes the full text of his story ( some fantastic, Guardiola-bashing excerpts here ), as well as an impressive number of images and videos all presented in a unique and visually pleasing interface at the price of $18.99 (13.49/14.99). Having bought the app, I can say that it truly is impressive and endlessly entertaining (both intentionally and unintentionally). It features Zlatan's video breakdowns of some of his greatest goals ("The journalists said I was shouting, 'Zlatan, Zlatan!' But that's not true. I was yelling, 'Showtime, showtime!'"), an interactive map spott

By now you have probably heard of the tenuous attempt to link Aaron Ramsey's occasional goal-scoring to several notable deaths that have happened in the days that followed. Osama Bin Laden, Steve Jobs, Muammar Gaddafi and, most recently, Whitney Houston have all coincidentally died in the days after a Ramsey goal for Arsenal (his goals for Wales apparently do not have fatal powers). And now, the bizarre news team at Taiwan's NMAtv have given Ramsey's "kick of death" their animated treatment. In NMA's version of events, each person's death is literally caused by a football. They show Steve Jobs' life support machine getting smashed by one and Whitney Houston gets hit in the head while she takes pills on the edge of a bathtub. Poor taste or just NMA being NMA? Previously in NMA fever dreams: Ashley Cole makes a kid's stomach explode , Mario Balotelli in Grand Theft Auto V and Ryan Giggs getting pooped on by Twitter birds

On Thursday, Newcastle took a crowbar to the St. James' Park lettering outside their stadium to make way for the Sports Direct Arena moniker they gave it back in November (free of charge!). A name change made to try and attract a corporate sponsor who isn't club owner Mike Ashley and will actually pay for the privilege. Outraged by this desecration of the home to Newcastle United since 1892, it only took one fan a few hours to spray-paint the "St James" back on the wall. He was then promptly arrested. From the Guardian : Overnight the old name was daubed in white paint close to where the lettering had been removed. More workmen were seen this morning removing the paint. A Northumbria police spokesman said: "At 1.57am today a man was arrested on suspicion of causing criminal damage after a wall was vandalised at the Newcastle United ground. Michael Atkinson, 29, of Hareydene, Newbiggin Hall, Newcastle, has been charged with criminal damage and is due to app

Following Milan's 4-0 win against Arsenal on Wednesday, Zlatan Ibrahimovic whispered something in the ear of his former Barcelona teammate, Thierry Henry. Thierry found it quite funny. This is what Ibrahimovic said: I am Zlatan. I have the power of eight million Spartan soldiers and the hairstyle of a deadly samurai who works at a hibachi restaurant on the weekends. Pep Guardiola smells so bad that his signature cologne would be made of the slime in a kangaroo's pouch and old people. I wrote a book called "I am Zlatan" because I am the world's foremost expert on being Zlatan. Pep Guardiola is not an expert on being Zlatan because he is the human equivalent to a pond of gonorrhea. Your shirt is the same color as Pep Guardiola's pants after he wets himself while thinking about how much better I am than him in all facets of life. Including Will Smith trivia. I am going to be the Prime Minister of the universe and I will make you my Secretary of Ninjas and Health

Since Chelsea bought Fernando Torres for a British record 50 million a little over a year ago. his complete inability to score goals with any semblance of regularity has gone from the hope of Liverpool fans to the jokes of all fans and, finally, to the befuddling expectation of everyone, including Fernando himself. While some of his problems can be blamed on inadequate service, Torres has invented ways to miss far too many astoundingly easy chances to brush it all off on external factors. Yet, even he is profoundly confused as to why his once prolific finishing ability has become the worthy subject of pity and punchlines. Torres told ESPN : "It is a difficult situation because I am happy in my personal life. We really like the club and we're very happy here to be involved with the staff and the players. [...] "Personally, I have to improve. In my time at Liverpool there were games where I would not be playing well or I would be doing nothing but every time I touched t

When you play in the Bundesliga, you don't get many chances to share the pitch with Lionel Messi, so Bayer Leverkusen's Michael Kadlec and Manuel Friedrich wasted no time in trying to snag Messi's shirts during the first leg of their side's Champions League tie against Barcelona. And now Bayer sporting director Rudi Voeller, himself a legendary footballer, is intent on punishing the two players for what he saw as an overzealous schoolboy pursuit of a fellow professional's shirt. From Reuters : Defender Michal Kadlec, who scored the Germans' only goal in their round of 16 first leg defeat, had sought the Argentine player's top at halftime but was beaten to it in the tunnel by fellow defender Manuel Friedrich. Kadlec then got Messi's shirt at the end of the match, much to the irritation of Voeller. [...] "I can guarantee you that these two players will auction off the tops for a good cause," Voeller told Bild newspaper on Thursday. "What the

Shortly before halftime in Flamengo's 1-1 Copa Libertadores Group 2 draw at Lanus, a young fan of the Argentine side repeatedly spit at Ronaldinho as he prepared to take a corner kick. Another fan, probably a toddler, threw a lighter. What kind of heathen spits at Ronaldinho though? Spitting at anyone is vile enough, but this kid should get a lifetime ban from every football ground in the world for spitting at someone who has brought so much joy to the game. Yes, the kid was Argentine and Ronaldinho is Brazilian, but that's no excuse. OK, maybe it is. Video via 101gg

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-winning Dirty Tackle... Since Mick McCarthy was sacked by Wolves, TalkSport put together a video to highlight his best moments in front of the camera. Come back soon, Mick. [YouTube] The makings of a football horror film: Aaron Ramsey scores, someone famous dies. [ Fitba Thatba ] Wayne Rooney couldn't name his horse Oceans Seven so he went with Switcharooney. Of course. The horse also has its own Twitter account. Of course. [ KCKRS ] Hope Solo has a new club. [ Sounder at Heart ] Best and worst of the African Cup of Nations. [ Guardian ] Some absolutely beautiful footballer posters. [ TBG ] Distorted perceptions of Zlatan Ibrahimovic's worth. [ Fox Soccer ] Should the away goals rule be scrapped? [ Just Football ] The real story behind Rangers' demise. [ Backpage Football ] Bonus video: Juan Mata buys a Taylor Swift CD and Raul Meireles pays Fernando Torres a compliment... Who knew Juan and Artur Boru

Thierry Henry I should have gone to Bolton. ... Wenger really needs to teach these kids how to use their hands. ... I wonder if they've come up with any good puns based on the surnames of Asian basketball players back in New York over the last two months. ... Andrei Arshavin: What's the deal with that guy? ... Can't wait 'til I can get back to playing in MLS, where no one even remotely cares about pre-match handshakes. ... Seriously...why is Arshavin still here and I'm not? Hipster Nicolas Anelka Playing in Europe and making less than 10 million a year is so mainstream. Florent Perradin Underpants!!! Kitier Katba It's time for the disgraces. ... First, another Chelsea player missed a vital penalty kick in a cup final and it happened to be my owner. That's a shameful f***ing disgrace. ... Then, cats become the celebrities of European football and some boney stray from Anfield gets to be a star instead of me. That's a weightist f***ing disgrace. ... Then,

Arsenal goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny stopped tweeting last month , citing a need to "grow up." But now he might want to stop granting interviews to magazines. Milan dismantled Arsenal 4-0 in the first leg of their Champions League round of 16 tie, making the second leg at Emirates Stadium an exercise in futility. After the game, Arsene Wenger admitted (via Reuters ) that "we were beaten everywhere" and that "realistically we are out of this competition." And so Szczesny's attempt to prod Arsenal's North London rivals in the latest issue of FourFourTwo magazine now seems all the more hilarious. "The draw is exciting," Szcesny is quoted as saying. "Tottenham beat Milan last year, so we're clearly capable of doing that!" Clearly.