DT Exclusive: Chelsea players confront Andre Villas-Boas

On the same day as reports that Chelsea players responded to Andre Villas-Boas harsh critique of their recent performance by giving it right back to him, Porto president Pinto da Costa announced that Villas-Boas is being undermined by players who still exchange text messages with Jose Mourinho. Though Villas-Boas is confident that he has Roman Abramovich on his side, this is a troubling situation for him. The following is a transcript of Villas-Boas' training-ground argument with his players.

AVB: Losing to Everton, wasting a three-goal lead on Manchester United. Chelsea should not do this. Chelsea must not do this. You are making too many errors and it is inexcusable.

Daniel Sturridge: You're inexcusable.

AVB: Excuse me?

Florent Malouda: Maybe we're not playing well because of you. I'm 110 percent sure that's why I'm not playing well. I'm also blaming the Mayans.

Frank Lampard: Everyone said you would be like Jose Mourinho, but you're not. If anything you're Jose Snoreinho.

Ashley Cole: Yeah. And you never let us shoot the work experience kids with air guns!

AVB: What? I'm quite certain that was never OK, Ashley.

Juan Mata: You insist on having a beard even though I also have a beard!

John Obi Mikel: I just texted Mourinho and he said you're like a skinny Rafa Benitez.

Lampard: I thought of that "Snoreinho" thing the first day you came here but I've been saving it for maximum imp! act.

Ramires: You're the reason John Terry keeps wanting to take pictures with me all of the sudden! It's annoying and I don't know why else he does it!

Fernando Torres: You seem nice to me, boss...

Romelu Lukaku: You're both Portuguese and a ginger at the same time! What is that about? Seriously.

Lampard: Yeah, and Jose used to tell me I was the best player in the world while I washed my balls in the shower. You just put me on the bench and never say anything at all while I'm washing my balls!

AVB: OK. Fine. I will compliment you while you wash your balls. What else do you want to blame me for? The weather? Tom Henning Ovrebo? Fernando Torres not scoring?

Torres: Yes? Please?

Malouda: No. Fernando! Bad Fernando!

Cole: Oh god! Why didn't anyone tell me that more than just air comes out of airguns?!