Soccer Sorcery

First there was our beloved Ice Cream Kid . Then there was Toothbrush Guy . Then the excited Chelsea fan with the troublesome collar . More recently, there was our young friend Crazy Eyes . Now, we have the Everton fan in massive hair curlers. She was spotted at Goodison Park during Saturday's 2-1 win over Fulham and, like the others, you can ask why but you'll never get a satisfying answer. She's wearing curlers and you're just going to have to deal with it. Photo via The Mirror

Real Madrid continued to crush Atleti souls with their eighth straight derby win over Atletico Madrid on Saturday. After joining in on a group hug to celebrate Mesut Ozil's brilliant goal in the 32nd minute to put Real up 2-0, Cristiano Ronaldo turned to complain to the referee (watch the bottom right corner near the start of the video above). He felt he deserved a penalty just before Ozil scored. So he decided to complain to the ref while everyone else celebrated his teammate's goal. Seriously. Seeing this impressive level of self-involvement manifest itself at such an inappropriate time, Jose Mourinho tried to get Ronaldo's attention and calmly put a finger to his lips, telling his disgruntled star to shut it. Atletico got one back in the 86th minute thanks to Kun Aguero, making Ozil's goal the decisive one in the 2-1 match. Which Ronaldo surely thinks his unrecognized penalty should have been. What a shame. He's not with Chelsea anymore (for now), but the message...

A year and half after the horrific car accident that killed a fellow passenger and left Charlie Davies with life-threatening injuries, the 24-year-old DC United striker on loan from Sochaux completed his comeback with not one but two goals -- both of which he sealed with a stanky leg. Davies, who had to have his face peeled off so doctors could repair multiple fractures, didn't enter DC's season opener against the Columbus Crew until the 52nd minute. Exactly 10 minutes later, his teammates let him take a penalty kick that he assuredly slotted into the back of the net. And 15 minutes after that, he got past a fallen defender and weaved his way around the charging goalkeeper for his second goal of the night and his second goal since the accident, that just so happened to have occurred in the very same city. After the game, which DC won 3-1, the Columbus Dispatch's Shawn Mitchell reports that Davies was understandably happy about the evening, saying, "The best night ...

Sunderland host Liverpool on Sunday which means Luis Suarez will visit two of the men whose World Cup dreams he swatted away with his heroic/evil deliberate goal-line handball in Uruguay's quarterfinal win over Ghana last summer. John Mensah and Asamoah Gyan (a.k.a. Baby Jet ), who missed the penalty awarded as a result of Suarez's handball, surely won't enjoy having to face those terrible memories of South Africa again. But, as Gyan says, he gets it and he's totally over it. His countrymen, however, still think Suarez is the devil's life coach. From the Telegraph : "He is not popular in Ghana," said Gyan. "He is the most hated person in Ghana. I really am sorry to say it, because I am a good sportsman and I understand why he did it, but will the fans understand what happened? Not really, and for that he is the most hated person in Ghana. "He is a hero now in his country, even if he is not in ours. I would have done the same thin...

At midnight on March 19, Valencia's Las Fallas festival honoring Saint Joseph (the patron saint of the carpenter's guild) will come to a spectacular end marked by the burning of large paper mache figures. And a sculpture of Jose Mourinho kicking Pep Guardiola in the crotch will be one of them. Last year, the festival featured a giant Cristiano Ronaldo looking at himself in a hand mirror , but the image of Jose, holding his FIFA World Coach of the Year award, kicking Pep, holding a spoon and a plate with the words "Champions Copa Liga" written on it, square in the junk easily tops that. Though the Golden Pep is his main and, for the most part, only rival at the moment, I really don't think Jose would ever resort to such a juvenile assault on him. Rafa Benitez, definitely, but not Pep. Photo: Getty Images

Greek football continued winning in the increasingly sad, depraved and played out Charlie Sheen sense on Wednesday during the Greek Cup semifinal second leg match between PAOK and AEK Athens. In the 58th minute of the match, which PAOK lost 1-0, AEK goalkeeper Sebastian Saja took a direct hit by a flare thrown from behind his goal. Not only did it give him an unwanted shock, but it burned a nasty hole in the side of his shirt. Saja wasn't hurt by the impressive flare toss, which proved to be just the prelude to PAOK fans' angry, pitch-invading flare attacks. From Reuters : Then, with barely a minute remaining, dozens of PAOK fans invaded the pitch and started clashing with riot police. TV cameras were also attacked as AEK players and the referee ran off the pitch. Play was suspended for 20 minutes before the referee returned to blow the final whistle. No stoppage time was played. The incident was the fifth pitch invasion of a season plagued by violence inside and outside Greek ...

Asian Football Confederation president Mohamed Bin Hammam announced that he is running for the FIFA presidency on Friday, making him Sepp Blatter's only challenger who isn't just trying to run so he can get more Twitter followers. Behind a podium in Kuala Lumpur, Bin Hammam showed off his genius new campaign slogan: "Future." That's it. Just future. Which reminds me of the opening of Plan 9 from Outer Space : "Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future." Yes, we will spend the rest of our lives in the future and Mohamed Bin Hammam wants to be FIFA president while we do it. Here are his campaign promises (via Reuters )... * Will expand the FIFA executive committee to 41, including the president, and rebrand it the FIFA board. * Will double FIFA member donations to $500,000 * Will support ...