Soccer Sorcery

Since accusing celebrities of adultery is the only hope the dying newspaper industry has at making money, much has been made about the not at all anonymous Premier League footballer who took out a superinjunction against the press to keep his name from being attached to stories of an affair with model Imogen Thomas. In doing so, he threw her to wolves, since she wasn't protected by the court order and before long, everyone seemed to know his identity thanks mostly to Twitter. Over the weekend, Scottish paper The Sunday Herald published Ryan Giggs' picture on their cover and tied him to the story , which has now prompted those silly scamps in Taiwan to give Giggs their special animated treatment. The highlights? -Imogen Thomas apparently being unable to button her shirt. -Ryan Giggs wearing John Stockton shorts. -Ryan Giggs crying waterfalls of tears in court, while surrounded by Twitter birds. -Said Twitter birds pooping on him and his podium. -Saying that the story's appea...

Once again, the last day of the Premier League season proved to be incredibly entertaining not because of what happened at the top of the table, but because of the fevered desperation playing out at the bottom. The relegation hobo fight was a tight one coming into the final round of matches with Birmingham, Wolves, Wigan and Blackpool the four most likely candidates for the final two relegation spots going down with West Ham. As you can see by Birmingham owner Carson Yeung reacting as if he just ate the sourest Sour Patch Kid ever, his side will be going down despite winning the Carling Cup after Roman Pavlyuchenko scored his second goal of the day in added time to give Spurs a 2-1 win. Here's how the other three sides fared in a handy photographic, no-literacy-required format... As you can tell by the fright induced paralysis of this young man's face, his head paint paid off not only in the form of a 1-0 win over Stoke that kept his beloved Wigan up, but he even got a nice sou...

Schalke goalkeeper Manuel Neuer's unwillingness to commit his future to the club has angered fans for a while now and during the celebration in Gelsenkirchen on Sunday after Saturday's DFB Pokal win, one supporter made his slappy feelings very clear to Neuer's face. The Bayern Munich and Manchester United target rode in the back of a slow moving convertible escorted by security personnel through streets crammed with happy fans. At one point, a man in a black cap apparently caught his attention and Neuer leader over towards him and grabbed his hand, which the guy then used to slap the team captain's cheek before scurrying away. Surprised by the unfriendly gesture, Neuer just sat back down as his fellow passenger held his giant glass of beer as if he was going to use it as a weapon. Which was pretty much the best part of the clip. And if Manuel Neuer had any thoughts of staying with Schalke now that they've won a bit of silverware, this incident probably killed them. ...

With their season-ending loss barely even qualifying as a memory, Chelsea wasted no time in sacking Double winner Carlo Ancelotti after just two seasons of service. Though Chelsea won nothing this season (well, aside from the reserve league title) and looked toothless far too often, as a Chelsea fan, Ancelotti's dismissal seems typically rash considering all he accomplished in his first year on the job. But, that didn't stop the club from getting rid of him and firing off a silly statement to announce the decision. From Chelsea's official site : Chelsea Football Club can confirm that Carlo Ancelotti parted company with the club today (Sunday, 22 May). The owner and board would like to thank Carlo for his contribution and achievements since taking over as manager in July 2009, which included winning the Double for the first time in the club's history. And what better way to thank him than to give him the boot mere hours after the final game of the season, a year after...

Schalke beat second division side Duisburg 5-0 in the DFB Pokal final and unlike so many others this season, they didn't drop their trophy. Why? Because they have Raul. In fact, not only did he not drop it, but he even taunted the almighty pull of gravity by tossing the shiny gold cup up into the air and, for the purposes of this photo, made it levitate using just his intensely superior life force. And as if that wasn't awesome enough, he even gave the German photographers a taste of Spain with a little matador routine using his flag... After that, he probably walked on water or invented a new kind of hat or did something else that is incredibly easy for him. Anyway, it's just a good thing Schalke don't have a Dutchman to drop the trophy like Maarten Stekelenburg did for Ajax . You know? Oh, Klaas. Photos: Getty , Reuters

Like a lovable Frankenstein's monster, AFC Wimbledon have made it into the Football League less than a decade after being pieced together by abandoned yet ardent supporters of the club that was stolen away from them. The Guardian explains : The enchanting rise of AFC Wimbledon goes on. The club formed by supporters after the original crazy gang was stolen away from them nine years ago and relocated to Milton Keynes are into the Football League after beating Luton 4-3 on penalties in the Blue Square Premier play-off final at Eastlands. It is now five promotions in eight years for the club but none will feel as sweet as this. The club started life in the Combined Counties League in 2002 and now find themselves just one more promotion away from playing in the same division as the likes of Sheffield United and Sheffield Wednesday and, oh so interestingly, MK Dons. What an encounter that would be. It might sound hokey and cliche to call it a fairytale, but it kind of is. This is...

Like a lovable Frankenstein's monster, AFC Wimbledon have made it into the Football League less than a decade after being pieced together by abandoned yet ardent supporters of the club that was stolen away from them. The Guardian explains : The enchanting rise of AFC Wimbledon goes on. The club formed by supporters after the original crazy gang was stolen away from them nine years ago and relocated to Milton Keynes are into the Football League after beating Luton 4-3 on penalties in the Blue Square Premier play-off final at Eastlands. It is now five promotions in eight years for the club but none will feel as sweet as this. The club started life in the Combined Counties League in 2002 and now find themselves just one more promotion away from playing in the same division as the likes of Sheffield United and Sheffield Wednesday and, oh so interestingly, MK Dons. What an encounter that would be. It might sound hokey and cliche to call it a fairytale, but it kind of is. This is...