Soccer Sorcery

By some grotesque strain of logic, it only seems natural that a season already wretchedly scarred by the " derby of shame " and PAOK fans hitting AEK players with flares would include a cup final that "set Greek football back over a hundred years," according to Atromitos president Giorgos Spanos. His side lost to AEK by a score of 3-0 in a Greek Cup final in Athens' Olympic Stadium on Saturday that was cut short when AEK fans stormed the pitch and fought Atromitos and riot police with broken seats, advertising hoardings and whatever else they could turn into weapons. From the AP : Referee Tassos Kakos was forced to blow the whistle just a minute into a nine-minute injury time after hundreds of AEK fans invaded the pitch. Many rushed to celebrate with their players, but others headed toward the VIP stands where family members and friends of the Atromitos players were seated, throwing projectiles at them. Atromitos coach Giorgos Donis asserted that some aimed...

Frank Lampard was the most blatant victim of FIFA's resistance to goal line technology during last summer's World Cup, but now it appears he's benefited from it, too. After a golazo from Sandro put Spurs up 1-0 and earned him the wrath of Harry Redknapp for not minding his defensive position in the 19th minute, Gomes let a long shot from Lampard just before halftime squirt through his legs and trickle towards the goal. He appeared to snatch it back just before the entire ball made it over the line, yet the linesman (who was in no position to make a call one way or the other) said it was a goal. The officials tried to even out their calls by denying Chelsea a clear penalty when Florent Malouda was taken down right in front of the goal, but Spurs suffered again when Kalou appeared to be a smidge offside before he poked in the 89th minute winner ( full highlights here ). So, in the end, Chelsea get a bit of good fortune and people get another reason to shake their fists at Se...

Sitting top of the table, Hertha Berlin appear likely to win promotion right back to the German top flight as they make the most of their stay in the 2.Bundesliga. One fan at Hertha's 2-1 win over 1860 Munich on Friday, with a cigarette casually hanging out of his mouth, made it clear what his priorities are and how he planned on spending his day by holding up a banner that read, "First Hertha then sex!!" Note how the two exclamation marks show just how emphatic he is about that statement. Clearly, this man means business. We don't know if this was wishful thinking or a public warning to his significant other. Either way, I hope it worked out for him. Photo: Reuters

Pele never played for a European club and, yet again, he's trying to ensure that today's talented young Brazilians don't, either. At least, the ones who play for Santos, his former club. With AC Milan looking to make a move for 21-year-old Ganso, Pele is planning to use his not at all famous powers of persuasion to convince Ganso to resist the allure of money, international fame and new challenges to stay with Santos. From Football Italia : Interviewed by Brazilian radio station Jovem Pan, Pele said: "Ganso and I will have a chat. I know that he is happy here. If it were to depend on me, he would stay for life." Translation: He would handcuff Ganso to a radiator in his basement. "I believe the situation is similar to that of Neymar [who turned down Chelsea a year ago], and I am confident. "A brief chat with Neymar was enough to convince him to stay and I also believe that Ganso will understand that it's the best thing for the moment. "I wi...

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK: 1. WHAT IS GOING ON -- WHERE AM I???!?!?!? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SHIRT?!????!?! WHY AM I ON TOP OF THE OCEAN!?!??!?!?!?! AHHHHHHHHHHH I THINK I JUST SAW AMELIA EARHART!!!!!!!!!! 2. THE ROYAL WEDDING -- EVEN THOUGH I WASN'T INVITED I GOT WILL AND KATE A FANTASTIC WEDDING PRESENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S A MANNEQUIN THAT SHOOTS ACTUAL HUMAN VOMIT OUT OF ITS MOUTH HOLE AND COULD EXPLODE AT ANY MOMENT IN A GIANT FIREBALL OF AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S SO FANTASTIC THAT I DECIDED TO KEEP IT FOR MYSELF AND JUST GET THEM A GREETING CARD INSTEAD!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH IT'S A WIN-WIN SITUATION!!!!!!!!!!! 3. VVV-VENLO SIGNING A ONE YEAR OLD -- THIS IS DISGRACEFUL!!!!!!!!!!! I COULD LITERALLY DESTROY THAT BABY WITH A SINGLE TACKLE!!!!!!!!!!! GOOD LUCK AGAINST THE PROFESSIONALS BABY!!!!!!!!! IF YOU SCORE AGAINST ME I WILL SLAM DUNK YOU INTO THAT TOY CHEST LIKE A BABY BASKETBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4. C...

Sometimes footballers try to pretend that they're going for the ball when they're really just trying to obliterate their opponent. This guy isn't one of them. In what appears to be an amateur match between French sides Dozule FC and Vicomtais, what starts as an attacking run ends with a harsh takedown from a player who had no intention of going for the ball whatsoever. He did immediately raise his hand as if to say, "Yep. Believe it. I just did that," and went over to see if his writhing opponent with the destroyed knee was okay before receiving his red card. But if he really cared about the guy, you know, he probably wouldn't have gone in so late.

Well, Davey Becks ruined the royal wedding. He was the only footballer invited to the shindig and he ruined the whole thing. William and Kate will probably get divorced. The United Kingdom will surely crumble. And it's all Davey's fault. It's been noted numerous other places, but if you haven't heard and you're somehow looking at the above picture of a nicely dressed man standing beside his wife and not seeing the pedantic mistake he made once he put on his custom Ralph Lauren suit, well -- he's wearing his Order of the British Empire medal on the wrong lapel. It's apparently supposed to be on his left lapel and he's wearing it on the right. He was awarded the order in 2003 and it seems he hasn't read the directions for wearing the thing yet. But in Davey's defense, this is a whirlwind trip for him. He's flying right back to the U.S. to try and prove he does care about MLS by making an effort to play in the LA Galaxy's match in Dallas on...

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-winning Dirty Tackle... Tennis legend John McEnroe proves his footballing talents in a celebrity match put on by the N.Y. Cosmos and Umbro last weekend. He even got a hug from Steve Nash and Claudio Reyna. [YouTube] Nike Brazil and France federation board shorts. Very nice. [ The Beautiful Gear ] Aston Villa go all out to wish its royal fan well ahead of his wedding day. [ YouTube ] Owl killer to do community service at a zoo. [ Guardian ] Op-Ed: Xavi is wrong and why I hate Barca. [ The Shinguardian ] A reworking of Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time" for the Philadelphia Union 's Jordan Harvey. [ Brotherly Game ] A tackle that resulted in a kidney being removed. [ The Football Ramble ] Checking in on Stu Holden as he recovers from injury at home. [ Kickette ] Google Translate has fun with Pep Guardiola quotes. [ The Offside ] Busquets tries to pull the face pain act at home. [ Studs Up ]

Bastian Schweinsteiger is a man who commands respect and he thinks you should know it! Hey, are you paying attention? Because you will listen to what he says! He can do 100 push ups in 20 minute! Now pay attention. From the AFP : Two days before Bayern take on Schalke Schweinsteiger threatened and insulted the reporter, then telling him: "It's a joke what you write, you don't understand anything, you should treat me with more respect." "I am a professional midfielder," Schweini probably said . "And people are scared of me!" The midfielder then left the conference room, only to return to criticise Robben, who the day before had questioned Schweinsteiger's lack of authority when he was captain. Without mentioning the Dutch international by name he said: "I'm not a small captain, when I say something everyone in the changing room listens to me." Schweinsteiger then shouted "I drive a Dodge Stratus!" and stormed out of...

It's a known fact that our friend The Continental learned to speak English by watching The Godfather films. And now, thanks to this clip from adidas, we can see just how wonderfully his close study of Marlon Brando's character paid off. The premise of the clip is that a guy named "Predator Kev" (and with a name like that, of course he's hanging out with The Berba) is presenting Dimitar with "three of the more random, stranger" challenges submitted by fans. Because what does The Berba like more than things that are random and strange? The first was to kick the hats off beefeaters on the day of the royal wedding. This did not please The Berba. Then, a dance-off. "It's not my thing," said The Berba. Finally, Night Stalker Kev offers up what he declares to be the weirdest suggestion (which immediately interests The Berba) -- a Godfather impression contest. The Berba wastes no time in craning his neck and jutting out his jaw as he launches into...

During Milan's 1-0 win over Brescia last weekend, Gaetano Berardi got a little grabby while defending Kevin-Prince Boateng in the box and ended up pulling the shirt off his back. As play continued, Boateng picked up his top and even got a shot off while carrying it around. Boateng and Berardi then exchanged unpleasantries and the Ghanaian international was able to get dressed again. When questioned by Boateng as to why he did this, Berardi most likely used lyrics Nelly's "Hot in Herre" as his defense.

Way back in October, Wayne Rooney halted the angry mob that was literally at his front gate and strangled a fat new deal out of Manchester United after claiming the club couldn't match his ambition and demanding a transfer. Shortly after this, it was reported that Rooney confessed to a fan that he never intended to actually leave Man United. But now, he tweaks his story once again and makes it clear that he wasn't just angling for a new contract and that he really did have delusions that the club couldn't match his lofty ambitions. And with the Man United sitting in first place in the Premier League and likely to make an appearance in the Champions League final, Wayne can see that he was being a bit of a silly goose before. From the Guardian : "I made a mistake," he volunteered and, up close, you could detect he felt uncomfortable with all the self-analysis maybe even a little foolish. "You know, when I look back at it now, I'll say it again, how w...

Despite a valiant effort to earn a 2-2 draw in the first leg of the CONCACAF Champions League final, Real Salt Lake surrendered their two year unbeaten streak at home and lost what would've been a historic spot in the Club World Cup to Mexican champions Monterrey. Yes, the team from a league that maintains a tight salary cap to ensure domestic parity lost out to a club that hasn't won in their last six matches. The only goal of the second leg came from Humberto Suazo, but that was enough to give Monterrey their first continental title in the club's 66-year history and end Real Salt Lake's 37-match unbeaten streak at the Rio Tinto Stadium. Also, it seriously bummed out Kyle Beckerman (a.k.a. Ras Trent ), who couldn't play due yellow card accumulation. Note how Beckerman's jacket has elbow patches and some kind of unusual lining. It's almost certainly made of hemp. Perhaps the favorable result at Monterrey, the overconfidence of that unbeaten streak at home a...

Jose Mourinho responded to Pepe's soft red card in the 61st minute of Real Madrid and Barcelona's Champions League semifinal first leg tie by winking at the officials and sarcastically applauding the decision. Which got him sent off, as well. So, having made his point then and there, he of course left it at that and congratulated Barcelona after then went on to win 2-0 thanks to the man advantage and Lionel Messi's brilliance. Except, he didn't. Once UEFA's momentary ban on both teams talking to the press after match was lifted, Jose had a teeny tiny verbal meltdown filled with sweeping accusations and doomsday rhetoric. From Soccernet : "The return game is mission impossible,'' he told the press after the game. ''Barcelona has qualified for the final. Sometimes I feel disgusted about this football world of ours. Yes, we have already been knocked out. ''We had the intention to keep the game at 0-0, then bring on a striker, then a thi...

After an hour of scuffles, handbags, dives and temper tantrums, in Real Madrid and Barcelona's Champions League semifinal first leg match, Pepe was sent off for a questionable high boot against Dani Alves and Lionel Messi took that as his cue. With Real a man down and Jose Mourinho (who was sent off himself for winking and sarcastically applauding the officials after the Pepe red card) passing notes from the stands, Messi once again proved how difficult it is for him to go a whole match and not score a goal by netting two in the final 15 minutes. His second goal (see video above) was something that is already getting compared to everything from video games to Maradona, but in truth, it's just Messi doing what he does. Sergio Busquets gave him the ball and let him go on his way like a super charged wind-up toy. So, Barca take a 2-0 lead into the second leg as Mourinho and his tactics were both vanquished in this round of the never-ending series of Clasicos. But, there's stil...

I'm Bert Tiddle and you've never heard of me. When I played for Ipswich Town in 1985, I attended a Norwich City match and started a chant about how their club is like a cross between gonorrhea and more gonorrhea. It was brilliant. But then Steve Bruce shouted at me from the pitch, telling me to shut up and everyone cheered. Steve Bruce is a numpty. Whenever I open a paper or turn on the internet these days, if I'm not getting eye-molested by hullabaloo about Prince Billiam marrying someone who isn't my daughter, then I'm forced to read bleeding hearts moan about insensitive chants. Whether it's Munich, Hillsborough, pedophiles or some other horror, the reasonable people who are outraged by drunken idiots saying these things forget that the more outraged you get, the more drunken idiots want to say drunken idiot things. It's science. And it's really quite easy to ignore the words of people who don't matter. Like when Migraine, one of my 18 kids, is bl...

YouTube videos have led to a number of footballers getting signed by clubs around the world, but this might be the first time it's worked for an 18-month-old. It's very much a publicity stunt, but the popular YouTube clip of young Baerke van der Meij kicking balls into his toy chest caught the attention of relegation-threatened Dutch top flight club VVV-Venlo and prompted the club to sign him to a 10-year professional contract. Though, it is made clear that the contract is a "symbolic" one. From the Telegraph : The toddler joined VVV's star midfielder Ken Leemans during a training session in De Koel Stadium on Tuesday before being offered the "symbolic" contract. "The toddler's favourite position has not yet been determined. However, we can speak of a right-footed player with a very good kicking technique, perseverance and, importantly: football genes via his grandfather," said a VVV Venlo press release. Baerke's grandfather used to pla...

Gremio's Fabio Rochemback didn't have the greatest Tuesday night ever. Not only did his side lose their Copa Libertadores round of 16 match to Universidad Catolica by a score of 2-1, but he also had Tomas Costa stand on his chest and kick him in the face like he was some kind of human door mat. Costa was shown a yellow card in the match (though it's unclear from the clip if it was for this) and former Barcelona and Middlesbrough man Rochemback was able to play the full 90 minutes. Still, Universidad Catolica have the edge for the second leg and Rochemback probably has stud marks all over his upper body. Video via 101gg

From Richard Swarbrick, the man who created the brilliant Gareth Bale animation last month, comes another artistic representation of footballing greatness. This time, Swarbrick worked with Barcelona's 5-0 win over Real Madrid earlier this season and, really, this is way all Barcelona matches should be broadcast. The menacing look of Jose Mourinho adds a fantastical touch to the whole thing, but it does appear David Villa's soul patch has been excluded from this artistic rendering. Which is a bit of revisionist history if you ask me. Still, as well done as this is, I think Richard should have done an animation of Sergio Ramos dropping the Copa del Rey under the bus instead.

Since my primary goal here is to fill your mind with useless information and images that will force you to forget vital data like the names of your immediate family members and what country you live in, I present here a photo of Cristiano Ronaldo jumping over Marcelo at training for your perusal. Is this an impressive feat? Should Ronaldo quit football and play for the Knicks? I'll leave that for you to decide. Just note that Marcelo is listed as being 5 ft. 7 1/2 in. tall. I'm assuming that 's not counting his hair, though. So with that, he's about 7 ft. 3 in. tall. Also, judging by the look on Marcelo's face, I'm going to assume Cristiano landed right on top of him milliseconds after this picture was taken. Photo: Getty Images

Spring is here and thoughts of sun-kissed beaches are surely starting to creep into your mind. So in the interest of helping you look good if you're able to reach that promised land this summer (or even if you're not), we've got two packages of gear from the Umbro Vs Huntington Beach line to give away to you lovely DT readers. You can see the whole collection here and read more about some of the key pieces at Umbro's blog , but to win one of the two gear packs you'll have to watch the video above and correctly answer the following question about it. The question: Which character from the Manchester 5 a-side team says he wants to live at Huntington Beach? Send your answers to BrooksDT[at]Yahoo.com and we'll announce the winners on Friday, May 6. Good luck!

Though he's been retired for 34 years, ask just about anyone (outside of Argentina) who the greatest footballer of all time is and they'll most likely say, "Pele." Including Pele. But the 70-year-old honorary president of the New York Cosmos isn't just a footballing legend. He's also a world-class third person speaker, with skills in that field that are about to blow your mind. From Soccernet : "Nobody did what Pele did," the former striker told CNN . "Being champion of the world at 17-years-old, won three World Cups, scored more than 1,208 goals, only him." OK. Pele referring to himself as "him" just gave me a nosebleed. "Then until now nobody did this, to me, Pele is the best. You can mention players that played for 10 years, for example [Franz] Beckenbauer, [Michel] Platini, [Eric] Cantona, Bobby Charlton, George Best, then come [Diego] Maradona, Zico. "Those players used to play a long time. Now the players the...

I've kept it a secret (until now), but I recently built a time machine that allows us to intercept football related news reports from the future. Why only football news and not things that are actually important? Stop asking questions and take a glimpse at what the future holds. The Royal Family was left stunned on Friday when professional footballer Mario Balotelli invaded the reception at Buckingham Palace following Prince William's nuptials to Kate Middleton. Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall was treated for shock and Several high-ranking officials have already been sacked for letting Balotelli and his stunning behavior spoil an otherwise dazzling event. When asked by the Queen herself why he would arrive uninvited, the Manchester City footballer responded, "Because I can." He then threw darts at her, prompting Royal Guards to ask him to stop. He didn't. Balotelli, who had numerous swear words carved into his hair and wore an equally offensive T-shirt with jean shor...

Ove Christensen was voted Denmark's manager of the year last season for saving Randers from relegation in the SAS-Ligaen. This season, however, the club is once again in series danger of going down and coming off two straight loses by a combined score of 8-1. So after their most recent drubbing at home against Bronby on Monday, Christensen was not in the mood for this reporter's baiting interview tactics. So, he concluded the testy exchange by smacking the reporter on the shoulder and trying to pass it off as an aggressive and sarcastic way of saying "good job." This awkward moment would prove to be Christensen's final act as Randers manager, though, as he was sacked on Tuesday. The club says he was dismissed in a bid to avoid relegation and not because of this. But this probably didn't help his cause. Video via 101gg

On the same day we made our 17th expedition into the odd interactions between Andrei/ey Arshavin and the readers of his official website, yet another posting of questions and answers was made that has so far gone unexplored. Until now. The URL on this one ends in "666" so strap in for some weirdness from the depths of doom. You've been warned. 1. From Semenovasvetlana Andrey! Hello. Where can I buy tickets for the game Arsenal - Manchester United that will be held on May 1, 2011? We got registered on the Arsenal official web-site but didn't manage to buy the tickets because they were all sold out in 10 minutes: (we already bought the tickets to London and booked a hotel). We really want to fulfill our dream and go to the Arsenal derby. The other sites, that sell tickets to this game, charge too much. Maybe you know somebody who sells discount tickets? Sincerely, Svetlana and Alexey AA : Guys, I know it's a big problem. Especially when it comes to s...

When Northampton Town's Liam Davis scored an injury time equalizer against Rotherham on Saturday, the home crowd went nuts as the point earned kept them out of the League Two relegation zone for another day. Of course, in moments like this, it's not too unusual for fans to invade the pitch out of unbridled joy. It is a bit unusual to see a young man in a motorized wheelchair methodically moving his way up the pitch, though. That's what happened after Davis' goal as 18-year-old quadriplegic computer games programming student Derry Felton decided to motor through the field of play. From the Daily Mail : [Felton] said: "I said to my mate 'If they score I will go on the pitch'. "But I didn't believe that they would. Then they did and it was a bit of a blur really. "I didn't know what was happening and then I was in the middle of the pitch and I just thought how did I get here? "It was just a spur of the moment thing and I never though...

Darron Gibson is far from the most popular Manchester United player, so his decision to set up a direct link to the fans in the form of a Twitter account was a very risky one. And, less than two hours after Gibson set up his @dgibbo28 account and had it promoted by Rio Ferdinand to his nearly 850,000 followers, the midfielder apparently realized he didn't like reading a continuous stream of insults and deleted the account. You can see some of the less than friendly tweets he received right here . Meanwhile, another controversial Man United player, Wayne Rooney, also just set up his own Twitter account on Saturday. He seems to be much better at ignoring the abuse, though, and his account remains an active platform for Wayne's unfiltered self-expression. And so the countdown to the day his management team wishes he pulled a Darron Gibson begins...

Well hello there. I see you've caught me stretching my Berba-business. This is by far the most important aspect of any footballer's training, which is why I spend at least seven to 10 hours a day exercising just this area alone. Ha-HA! ... No, I will not change my position so I'm not talking to you from in between my legs. I know it's exciting you, but this is why I'm doing it. Ha-HA! Groin injuries can happen at any time, you know. Even when your groin is as thoroughly exercised impossibly erotic as mine. In fact, I let Sir Alex decide to play Chicharito a.k.a. Little Berba instead of me against Everton so I wouldn't risk injury to the most precious groin on the team. Of course, Little Berba went on to score the winning goal in that match all because of tips I've given him about personal grooming, developing a tolerance for mace and how to apply mayonnaise to yourself in the most advantageous way possible. ... No, he did not score the winning goal because h...

(Warning: This is gross.) On Friday, the Seattle Sounders ' Steve Zakuani endured a nightmarish fracture of his tibia and fibula when the Colorado Rapids ' Brian Mullan plowed into him and made his leg go floppy in the third minute of the Sounders' 1-0 win. On Saturday, Zakuani underwent successful to repair the damage. And on Sunday, the 23-year-old displayed an admirably positive outlook on Twitter . Said Zakuani: "Overwhelmed by msgs of support/encouragement. Can't change the past, but I'm gonna control my future by remaining positive! One love! "Surgery went well and I am on the road to recovery. 'A journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step.' Speak to you all soon!" After the match, Mullan repeatedly apologized to Zakuani in an interview and probably didn't help his cause by stating that this was a tackle he has done "hundreds of times and I'd probably do it again." Seriously. He said that. Because he wants ...

Last week, we compiled a series of photographs that depicted the whirlpool of depression and disbelief that has sucked the life out of Arsene Wenger of late. Now we have more. A 90th minute goal from Tamir Cohen gave Bolton a shock 2-1 win over Arsenal on Sunday, ending their title hopes (like, for real this time...probably) and plunging Wenger deeper into a pit of depression that keeps finding a new bottom. And now, he's even piling all the blame for Arsenal's failures on himself. From the Guardian : "I feel the players had an outstanding attitude all season and are not to blame," Wenger said. "If someone is to blame, it is me. I pick the team, I choose the players. "It's very unsatisfactory because we have had one of our easiest run-ins for a long, long time and we didn't take our chances. That is frustrating because I feel the potential is there but we still lack something maturity and experience and calm in important situations." Hmm...

After having a real bomb that was sent to him intercepted by police and having loads of verbal abuse rain down on him during Sunday's 0-0 Old Firm match, you would think that Celtic manager Neil Lennon would quietly go back down the tunnel immediately after the game so as not to incite any more ugliness. Instead, he tried to show Rangers fans at Ibrox that they weren't getting to him standing on the pitch, looking right at them, and putting his hands to his ears. And this, apparently, caused someone to call the police. From the Press Association : A spokeswoman for the police said: "We can confirm we have received a complaint regarding Neil Lennon at the end of the Rangers-Celtic football match. Strathclyde Police officers were in attendance at the time and would have taken action at that time if they had deemed it appropriate." The Celtic chief executive, Peter Lawwell, said: "It is absolute nonsense. It is laughable that such a ludicrous complaint has bee...

Gerard Pique kisses Shakira while keeping an eye out for a jealous and enraged Zlatan Ibrahimovic. First we saw that Shakira reacts to watching Gerard Pique play for Barcelona in a losing effort like someone passing a large kidney stone. Now we see that reacts to watching Barcelona win by his side by attacking him with public displays of affection. The mix between Pique and Shakira's relationship and football clearly produces manic swings in the singer's emotions and this was once again on show during Barcelona's 2-0 win over Osasuna on Saturday. While an unselected Pique sat between his ladyfriend and Carles Puyol in the stands, the two celebrated Barca's rediscovered dominance by sucking face like they weren't surrounded by old men in suits. Pique and Shakira, I mean. Not Pique and Puyol. At least, not on this day. Here's some video for you seedy voyeurs to ogle... This is all getting to be a bit too much and obviously something that young Bojan should not be...

Almost exactly one year after Wayne Bridge made a point to skip John Terry in a pre-match handshake line because of spurious newspaper rumors that his former teammate slept with his ex-girlfriend/mother of his son, he did it again. This time on-loan to relegation-threatened West Ham, Bridge kept his head down and looked past Terry as the Chelsea captain shook the hands of every other member of the West Ham starting XI while flanked by two young mascots. Who still cares about this played out soap opera, you may ask? Well, apparently Wayne Bridge still does. Even though the papers eventually choked out apologies for those "untrue" rumors. Even though he's given up his international career just to avoid Terry. And even though Terry was renamed England captain after losing the armband as a result of all this, Wayne Bridge is still quietly stewing and trying to get some kind of passive-aggressive public revenge. Which is a shame. Not because he's wrong to hold a grudge (...

Things aren't going so hot for Blackburn manager Steve Kean. Though he's been given a contract to continue as gaffer until 2013 since taking over for Sam Allardyce in December, he's struggled to turn the club's fortunes around. They currently sit just two points out of the relegation zone and fans obviously aren't too happy with that fact. When a Rovers fan shouted at him just as he was about to head down the tunnel at Ewood Park this week, asking "When are you going to resign?" not once but three times, Kean responded by stating that it was a "stupid question." The fan wittily snapped back, "No it's not." According to whoever uploaded this clip to YouTube, Kean then called the fan a "doughnut," but it's difficult to make out and I couldn't really hear it. I hope it's true, though, because that's a hilarious insult. Much better than Rio Ferdinand calling someone an "egg." Anyway, the fan ends the ...

The Women's World Cup is fast approaching and the No. 2 ranked Germans aren't messing around in their preparations. Perhaps inspired by blackbelt Zlatan Ibrahimovic , the German team took part in a Taekwondo training session at their camp in Cologne on Friday. So now, as if their exceptional talent wasn't enough to propel them to victory when they play host to the tournament this summer, their martial arts death blows certainly will. Especially if Howard Webb is working the final. More pictures right this way... Alexandra Popp shows she can get better leg extension than Nigel De Jong. Fatmire Bajramaj kicks a guy who seems to be enjoying it a little too much. And Kim Kulig demonstrates a nose-smashing elbow maneuver that any footballer should ! know. Es pecially when Andy Gray is around. Photos: Getty Images

Nigel De Jong's kung fu kick to Xabi Alonso's chest in the 2010 World Cup final has become one of the lasting images of that match and even helped spawn a new term for getting viciously assaulted (DE JONG'D!). Now, the Netherlands and Man City midfielder speaks out about that wicked moment and the aftermath of what he claims was an accident. Because he was so focused on the ball and not the guy he was kicking in the chest. From Soccernet : De Jong told De Volkskrant : "At no time did I see Xabi Alonso because I was focused only on the ball. Actually, when I think back about it, it was not good at all. Of course the referee (Howard Webb) should have shown a red card for the foul. That is obvious." The incident left De Jong fearing for his safety. "I had the feeling that there were people who wanted to harm me," he said. "I've been public enemy number one on many occasions. Honestly, people treated me like a war criminal. It was an unpleasant...

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK: 1. THIS OLD PICTURE -- THAT'S ME ON THE FAR LEFT!!!!!!!!!!! AS YOU CAN SEE I WAS NOT HAPPY AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS ANGRY BECAUSE THAT CHRISTMAS TREE WAS HORRIBLE AND THAT OTHER KID WAS WEARING A VEST WITH A SQUIRREL ON IT!!!!!!!!!! WHO WEARS CLOTHES WITH DISEASE CARRYING WOODLAND CREATURES ON THEM?!?!?!?!??!?!?!!? AS A SIDE NOTE I TRIED TO PUT ON THOSE OVERALLS THE OTHER DAY AND WAS SHOCKED TO FIND THAT THEY DID NOT FIT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH I BET TOM IS STILL WEARING THAT SQUIRRELL VEST AND HAVING AN AWESOME TIME THOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2. SERGIO RAMOS DROPPING THE COPA DEL REY UNDER A BUS -- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!??!??!?!!? IF YOU'RE GOING TO DESTROY A TROPHY YOU HAVE TO DO IT ON PURPOSE BY COVERING IT IN BOTTLE ROCKETS AND PUTTING IT IN THE MICROWAVE!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST DID THAT WITH A BOWLING TROPHY OF MINE AND THAT'S WHY MY KITCHEN IS NOW ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!! WELL IT...

(Warning: Contains momentarily exposed man butt.) It's all fun and games at the training ground until someone gets dragged like a human sled by their underpants. Actually, that apparently qualifies as fun and games, too. At least it did at Celtic's training ground when club captain Scott Brown and his teammates pounced on staff member Bill Styles like a horde of crazed hyenas, pulling down his pants and then dragging him across the grass by the strained elastic of his underwear. Everyone found it quite funny when Styles was left with his rear end exposed and clutching his completely destroyed undergarment. Styles will get his revenge, though, by having night terrors about this incident for the rest of his life. And by "revenge" I mean "anxiety attacks." Video via 101gg

Former Real Madrid player Ruben de la Red tweeted this picture of the condition of the Copa del Rey trophy after Sergio "The Trophy Killer" Ramos dropped it under the moving bus . It looks like the top of the base popped off, the neck got bent and the cup appears to be squished. That should keep jeweler Federico Alegre (the trophy's creator) busy for a while. And while he's making the necessary repairs, he might want to go ahead and Ramos-proof the thing. Maybe attach a layer of Nerf material to the outside of it or just put an electric field around it that gives The Ramos a severe shock whenever he gets too close.

Since Thierry Henry and Juan Agudelo are teammates, the old story of the aging master imparting his wisdom on the promising young talent has written itself over and over again already, but now we see that it might be more than just a tired cliche. With New York up 3-0 on DC United thanks to two goals and an assist from Hobo Beard Henry, Juan Agudelo put a whole mess of exclamation points on the game with a fantastic bit of ball control in the box that resulted in an injury time goal to make it 4-0. And if that one-footed self-volley and shoot move looks a tad familiar, then you might have seen Arsenal's match against Manchester United on September 30, 2000 when a certain teammate of Agudelo's pulled off a similar move, albeit from a bit further out... Though Agudelo's was certainly a poor man's version of Henry's wonder goal from 11 years ago, the similarities are striking (pun intended). Still, the kid has a long, long way to go before he learns all of Thierry...

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-winning Dirty Tackle... Showoff. [YouTube] Bayern Munich's new kit. It includes a Ke$ha reference. [ The Beautiful Gear ] The Velvet Underground and Raul. [ Run of Play ] Lucas Leiva: An appreciation. [ LBitCR ] A David and Goliath relegation battle in Argentina's Clausura. [ The Football Ramble ] Promotion and relegation won't be coming to MLS any time soon. [ MFUSA ] The line between art and results in football blurred a long time ago. [ The Score ] Rio Ferdinand has a stalker. [ Unprofessional Foul ] Manager of Peru's Club Universitario de Deportes put up for sale online. [ The Beautiful Blog ] Arsenal to demand royalty payment every time ball is passed. [ The Gaffer ] The Continental and Little Berba in comic form. [ Studs Up ]

Sitting six points behind Milan in the Serie A table, Napoli are doing everything they possibly can to try and win their first Scudetto since 1990. And that apparently includes convening a WAG summit for the ladyfriends' of the club's players and instructing them how to behave as if they were children. At the Donn'Anna palace in Naples, Jacqueline De Laurentiis, wife of eccentric Napoli owner and producer of such films as Men Men Men and Yuppies 2 Aurelio De Laurentiis, hosted the women for a meal of bresaola, shrimp, artichoke and butternut squash risotto. Then they were each given a handbook entitled, "You married a footballer: The golden rules to make him a champion." From Eurosport : They were then presented with a list of eight 'golden rules', translated into each of their native languages, on how to help their footballer partners achieve glory. "Behind every great man is a great woman," La Gazzetta dello Sport quoted one of the instruc...

Stating that you could be leaving the club and arguing with your manager in training are not good ways to endear yourself to the fans. Unfortunately, Jeremy Menez recently did both of these things and then followed that up by making an appearance as a substitute in Roma's Coppa Italia semifinal loss to Inter on Tuesday. And with that trifecta of miserable elements come reports that Roma ultras threw rocks at Menez's car as he drove home from the match. From Football Italia : It is now reported by news agency ANSA that hooligans threw rocks at his car when he was driving home from the Coppa Italia defeat to Inter on Tuesday night. The report suggests his windscreen was broken and the police have launched an investigation. Menez was unharmed in the alleged attack. Well, if he wasn't certain that he wanted to leave before, this should do it. Even if the rocks said "We love you, Jeremy" and "Please don't leave us," chances are he probably didn't...

Wednesday's North London Derby got off to a breakneck start with three goals in the first 12 minutes and ended with Spurs coming back from 3-1 down to earn a draw. The match had a bit of everything and probably should have resulted in a win for Spurs, which brings us to that old question...what if it continued? 97' -- After being taken off at halftime due to injury, Gareth Bale tells the team doctors to step back as he heals himself. They are so impressed by this that none of them realize he hasn't scored a goal since January 1, 2011. 101' -- Nicklas Bendtner's own inability to score finally hits him and clashes with his supreme self-confidence. As he experiences self-doubt for the first time, he spontaneously combusts in a spectacular explosion. 102' -- Andrei Arshavin laughs like a wheezy elf. 113' -- Rafael van der Vaart scores to complete his hat trick, yet continues to be less awesome than his wife Sylvie. 115' -- Arsene Wenger realizes that he need...

Before Shakira's nerves were completely shredded, Ronaldo scored that lovely header and Sergio Ramos dropped the Copa del Rey trophy under a bus, the evening almost descended in a mass brawl when Alvaro Arbeloa stepped on David Villa's leg in the first half. Though it seemed deliberate, Villa embellished his reaction and Arbeloa did not appreciate that. So, as Villa writhed, Alvaro and the trophy killer grabbed him by the arms in unison and lifted him to his feet. David Villa took exception to the interruption of his performance and the Barca bench rose up, but stopped short of attacking. The referee maintained order in that heated moment, though, and kept his cards in his pocket. With two Champions League matches to go between these two sides, we might look back on this as one of the friendly times.

Chances of Pique bleeding on her shoulder: 100 percent. Because Gerard Pique and Shakira are the new Prince William and Kate Middleton, several cameras were diverted from the riveting action on the pitch during Real Madrid's 1-0 Copa del Rey final win to focus on the Barcelona defender's pop star girlfriend. Unlike a great many WAGs who attend their significant other's matches, Shakira was actually emotionally invested in the match to the point where she looked like she was in severe physical pain every time something didn't go Barcelona's way. She winced, she ran her hands through her hair, she yelled, she ran her hands through her hair, she gasped and she ran her hands through her hair. It was like she was having a baby, except instead of looking like Pique, it came out with gelled hair and the self-confidence of Will Ferrell character. Have a look... And after all that, she had to give Pique a hug and tell him everything would be okay. Meanwhile, she was probably...

Arsenal squandered a 3-1 North London Derby lead to finish with a 3-3 draw against Spurs in what was one of the great matches of this or any season on Wednesday. That drops Arsenal to third place in the Premier League and gives them five draws in their last six league matches (eight points from a possible 18). Needless to say, the combination of wasted leads, last second misfortune and unfavorable referee decisions have trapped Wenger in a manic see-saw between disbelief and depression. To be honest, it's amazing that the Frenchman hasn't had a complete nervous breakdown yet. Have a look at what he's been going through... Arsenal's 1-1 draw against Liverpool. Wenger slumps into his chair after his eject button fails him. Arsenal's 2-0 loss to Manchester United in the FA Cup quarterfinals. Arsenal's Champions League round of 16 loss to Barcelona on away goals. Arsenal's 0-0 draw against Sunderland. Arsenal's 2-1 loss to Birmingham in the Carling Cup final...