Soccer Sorcery

As soon as Andy Gray was fired by Sky Sports for his sexist banter with Richard Keys (and others), it seemed inevitable that he would lose his gig as Martin Tyler's commentary partner in the FIFA video game series as well. And now we know he has. EA Sports announced that Gray will be replaced by not fired Sky Sports man Alan Smith, which probably won't please the "Get Alan Smith off Sky Sports commentary!!" Facebook group . From The Sun : "Alan will bring a fresh, new perspective and insight to FIFA 12, working alongside the trusted [ read: not sexist ] and well-known voice of Martin Tyler," said David Rutter, senior producer of FIFA 12. "As one of the top-tier broadcasters on the UK football scene, he brings enormous knowledge and expert analysis to the game so that we can deliver the most authentic FIFA experience this year." EA also confirmed the introduction of a second commentary team for FIFA 12, with the duo of Clive Tyldesley and ...

Former Argentina goalkeeper Roberto Abbondanzieri recently played in a charity match with his young son on the opposing team. There would be no tender father-son moments, though. Unless you consider vengeful takedowns to be tender moments, in which case you should probably stop reading this and get back to training, Nigel De Jong. At one point, Roberto's son swiped the ball off him with incredible ease. Instead of laughing it off or applauding his boy out of fatherly pride, Abbondanzieri avenged his embarrassment by tackling his son from behind. He was shown a yellow card. And I'm guessing the car ride home was pretty awkward.

Many decisions on where people go in the world of football (and in the world of the world, I suppose) are chalked up to either money or family considerations. Or both. But new Chelsea manager Andre Villas-Boas revealed in his first press conference that he moved for neither. In fact, he even kind of did it in spite of his family. From The Mirror : "I can assure you that Porto could beat that offer," he said. "They were ready to make a competitive offer for me to stay, but I took the challenge. "I've made some very difficult moves in my life. One of them was leaving a crazy salary at Inter (Milan), as an assistant, to join the bottom club in Portugal (Academica). "So I just felt it inside me that I should take the opportunity and the move. "Against the will of everybody, against the will of my family, I took that." Explaining their concerns, he said: "We have spent seven years moving around from London to Milan to Coimbra to Porto and now to L...

When Fulham owner Mohamed Al Fayed put a tacky statue of Michael Jackson outside of Craven Cottage and told anyone who didn't like it that they can "go to hell," the consensus seemed to be that it's his club and his money so he can do what he wants. Though it was certainly strange, at the time, Al Fayed's intentions behind the tribute to his friend seemed positive and (relatively) selfless. Now? Not so much. And with that said, I present the " Michael at the Cottage tribute collection " now available in the official Fulham clubshop. Let's take a closer look at some of the ways Al Fayed is profiting from his old pal's death... First things first, here is the most expensive item in the collection. A Michael Jackson tribute umbrella. Actually, it appears to be an umbrella in tribute to the statute in tribute to Michael Jackson, but don't spend too much time thinking about that. Michael liked umbrellas. He used them a lot. He would want you to h...

In case you were somehow duped into believing that the official FIFA world rankings held any semblance of meaning or value at all, this should clear things up for you. In this totally real and not photoshopped screenshot of the latest FIFA rankings, that's England sitting fourth. Ahead of Brazil. You better take something for your developing migraine before reading this attempt at an explanation from the Guardian : The rankings, based on the results of all international "A" matches, rate England as the fourth best team in the world, up two places, and behind only Spain, Holland and Germany. The system was revised in 2005 in an attempt to improve its accuracy, taking into account the last four years of results, with allowances made for the importance of the matches and the strength of the opponents. Fifa said the aim was to combine "transparency and simplicity" with "the reality of world football". England's last three results were draws aga...

Sir Alex Ferguson That's right. Honorary doctorate. ... Now everyone will have to call me Dr. Sir Alex Ferguson. ... It doesn't get anymore awesome than that. ... Dr. Sir Alex Ferguson sounds like the kind of man who carries a sword and dresses in those baggy Renaissance clothes. ... Maybe I should start doing that. ... No one will mess with Dr. Sir Alex Ferguson. Not even Dalglish. ... We'll see who Boyzone invites to their concerts now... Neymar's Hair I feel dirty. ... So...so dirty... Kim Su-Gyong OK, this is not going well. ... We're going to need a good excuse or the Dear Leader will do to us what he did to the men's team last summer and make us watch the Green Street Hooligan movie on repeat until we believe Elijah Wood could actually beat up another human being. ... The horror. ... Anyway, excuses. ... Well, we could say that our team is just too young and lacking the necessary resources to succeed. But that probably wouldn't go over so hot. ... We c...

In this match against Welling United, Dorchester Town's Gary Bowles doesn't let the referee's whistle or the pile of bodies near him stop him from lunging at his opponent's ankles. This is an impressive level of focus and determination in seeing out his objective. The objective itself wasn't that great, though. He was sent off.

It is time once again -- the 20th time, in fact -- to dip into the mind-bending world of Andrei/ey Arshavin's official website and the readers who ask him questions on it. Repent. 2. From GavrilovaJulia Andrey, what was Artem's first word and how old was he when he started talking? What about Yana? Thank you in advance for your reply. Arshavin: To be honest it's hard to remember it now. I should ask Julia. Keep in mind that Andrei's kids are five and three years old. It's not like they're 68 and 72. Might be time to start taking the ginkgo biloba. 6. From Arshavin26 Hi Andrey, I am your greatest fan! It seems to me that you should come to the city of Penza Penza Penza in the summer time and sort out the situation with our football, please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Arshavin: I can come, but the other people should take care of this situation. Even Artur Boruc thinks that many exclamation marks was just excessive....

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-winning Dirty Tackle... The Colorado Rapids made the traditional MLS champions visit to the White House and presented Obama with the No. 10 shirt. Barry then proved that he knows who Lionel Messi is. [ 101gg ] Brazil stars will make you jealous with all of their Nike swag. [ The Beautiful Gear ] If you have heartstrings, "The Little Team" are about to yank them. [ KCKRS ] Kasey Keller pantsed his teammate. [ Kickette ] On being Mexican-American and picking sides in the Gold Cup. [ Good Men ] Gallery: George Best at Ipswich. [ IBWM ] Someone stole Fiorentina manager Sinisa Mihajlovic's sunglasses. I hope it wasn't Artur. [ Unprofessional Foul ] The Liverpool/Man United interface. [ Surreal Football ]

As Retired Ronaldo would be quick to tell you, footballers bringing prostitutes back to their hotel rooms can only lead to bad things. This is a lesson that eight members of the U-22 team that will represent Mexico at Copa America learned the hard way. It turns out that while Gio Dos Santos was chipping in his goal to beat the U.S. in the Gold Cup final, younger brother Jonathan and seven of his teammates -- Israel Jimenez, Nestor Vidrio, Jonathan Dos Santos, Marco Fabian, Jorge Hernandez, Javier Cortes, David Cabrera and Nestor Calderon -- were partying with prostitutes and having their valuables stolen. From Terra : The manager of Hotel Quito in Ecuador told ESPN that they have videos showing women entering the rooms of some Mexican players. "We have videos of females visiting (at least three), entering with the baggage of the team into the area of the players' bedroom," claimed Roberto Ramia. "In one of the rooms, the National Police found a garbage can with ...

A couple of second half goals gave the U.S. a 2-0 win over North Korea and a strong start to their Women's World Cup run. The 8th ranked North Koreans have the youngest team in the tournament with an average age of 20. Still, their discipline and skill gave the U.S. a lot of trouble in the first half before controversial starter Lauren Cheney justified her selection by heading in the first goal in the 54th minute and defender Rachel Buehler scored a second in the 76th minute. After the match, North Korea manager Kwang Min Kim shocked the congregated press by revealing that his side isn't just the youngest team, but they are also the only team in the tournament that's been struck by lightening. From the BBC : "When we stayed in Pyongyang during training our players were hit by lightning, and more than five of them were hospitalised," said coach Kim. "Some stayed in hospital and then came to Germany later than the rest of us. The goalkeeper and the four defe...

Following Lionel Messi's recent statement that he will only leave Barcelona to retire in Argentina, the Ballon d'Or winner has taken his devotion to the club a step further by announcing that even his ghost will only play for Barcelona. At a press conference at Argentina's Copa America training base, Messi tried to dispel any uncertainty about where he will play in the afterlife. "When I eventually pass on, I will only play ghost football at Barcelona. I am happy there. No amount of spirit money will tempt me," he told reporters. In recent weeks, there have been reports that Real Madrid would make a big money move for their rival's top scorer on the other side. Messi was clear that such a bid would not sway him. "Real can offer whatever they want, but I will not go. My ghost will play for Barcelona forever. Maybe it will fly around in the clouds for fun sometimes, but it will never scare people and it will never play for another club." Photo: Getty I...

The U.S. began their campaign for their first Women's World Cup title since 1999 on day three of the tournament and they did it in a new kit. Although they are once again in their usual all white home strip for their opening match against North Korea, the new design already has fans saying that it looks like a nurse's uniform. When the new kit was first revealed back in April, Dr. Jennifer Doyle of From a Left Wing summed up the problem critics have with it: A USWNT shirt can always be distinguished from the USMNT shirt by the two stars that the women's shirt prominently displays over the USSF badge - one star for each World Cup trophy they've won (1991, 1999). That difference is not enough for Nike and the USSF. They want you to know, for sure, that this is a not a man's shirt. So the FIFA #1 ranked women's team will go to Germany in a nurse's uniform. This is quite simply the ugliest women's football jersey I have ever seen. It's central p...

Violence is always lurking when Mexico and the U.S. play each other and Saturday night's Gold Cup final was no different. The skirmishes weren't limited to just the players, though, and they didn't stop when the final whistle blew. During Mexico's celebration after the match, the media battles began, with cameramen jockeying for position to get the best shots. While chasing the players as they ran around with the trophy, a TV cameraman mercilessly knocked a peer with a piddly little still camera out of his way. It definitely deserved a booking, unfortunately the referee didn't see it. Nor did he have authority over cameramen.

Back in April, in one of our excursions into the weird that is our attempt to chronicle Andrei/ey Arshavin's ongoing Q&A sessions with the readers of his official website, there was a question that was actually normal. It didn't ask for Arshavin's home address or an opinion on the macroeconomic policy of Honduras or his feelings about erotic stories written about him . No, this reader just wanted to know what Arsenal's kit will look like for their 125th anniversary season. And Andrei gave his usual honest answer . 12. From Nkitabozhok Hi Andrey, Do know what your new Arsenal uniform will look like? AA : I know, and I'll tell you. Our guest [away] uniform next season will look like jockey's clothes. As always, it looks like Andrei was right. Another pic of the new away kit right this way... But if yo! u think being dressed like a jockey is a bad thing, just look at how much joy they bring to Andrei: Then again, he does appear to be laughing at the jockey...

Though Santos president Santos president Luis Alvaro de Oliveira Ribeiro claims/hopes Neymar will stay with the Copa Libertadores winning club, some of Europe's biggest clubs are still trying to acquire his services. Real Madrid have been in pursuit for a while now and they apparently like their chances of landing the 19-year-old enough to start thinking about how they can stomp out all of his youthful indiscretions. According to Mundo Deportivo , one of Jose Mourinho's preferred directors at Real will travel to Brazil to urge the people close to Neymar to change his image. That change supposedly includes tighter control over who he hangs out with so as to avoid bad influences, a warning about avoiding brawls like the one that followed the Copa Libertadores final and a new haircut that shows a "greater seriousness." In other words, it sounds like they really don't want him to be like Robinho. Photo: Reuters

We're only two days into the Women's World Cup and there has already been a few tremendous goals -- all of which Monica Ocampo topped with her booming shot from distance to give Mexico a 1-1 draw against England in their first group stage match. And it's worth noting that Mexico not only earned this result with Ocampo's golazo, but with 16-year-old goalkeeper Ceci Santiago starting for them. Opposing goalkeepers should consider this a warning of Ocampo's impressive range. Corner flags should also consider her celebration a warning of her karate skills.

Though it ended in a scoreless draw, Saturday's match against San Jose proved to be an eventful one for LA Galaxy midfielder Mike Magee. When first choice keeper Donovan Ricketts left the match in the 23rd minute with an injury and backup goalkeeper Josh Saunders was shown a straight red for throwing an elbow at Steven Lenhart just before halftime, Magee put on the goalkeeper gloves and maintained a clean sheet for the final 47 minutes of the game ( highlights here ). As for the red card on Saunders, you might be inclined to forgive his attempt to connect with an elbow to the face after seeing how annoying Lenhart was being with his headbutts and attempts to get a cheap goal, which earned the San Jose striker a yellow for his efforts. After the game, even Magee wondered why he volunteered to take over (via ESPN ): "I have no idea why I nominated myself," Magee said. "When I first went in there, I wasn't nervous at all. I only thought I had to make it 10 minutes, ...

On the 15th anniversary of their second Copa Libertadores win, River Plate and their record 33 Primera Divsion titles were relegated in front of their home fans with a 1-1 draw in the second leg of their playoff against second division champions Belgrano. River lost the first leg 2-0 and several of their own fans invaded the pitch to shove them around. Those phsyical attacks didn't propel them to turn things around, though, and they now face life in the second division. Once their fate was sealed, the 60,000 fans in attendance went mental to the point where the referee didn't even add stoppage time so everyone could flee. Fire hoses were employed to try and drive them back in order to keep them from storming the pitch. Belgrano players had objects thrown at them as they scurried to safety and the River players had to be completely surrounded by a human shield of police officers. They were then hurried into an inflatable tunnel that protected them on their way to the dressing ro...

As hosts and back-to-back champions, the Germans were pretty much expected to dominate the 2011 Women's World Cup so completely that they would have to invent a new word for it. But on the first day of matches, Canada gave the rest of the field a sliver of hope by ending Germany's surreal record of not allowing a World Cup goal since the 2003 final against Sweden (which they still won 2-1). After Germany got out to an early 2-0 lead in front of a sell-out crowd of 73,680 at Berlin's Olympic Stadium (a new European attendance record for women's football), everything seemed to be going according to plan until the game's first scorer, Kerstin Garefrekes, produced an unbelievable miss on an empty net from point-blank range and Canada's Christine Sinclair remembered that she can pretty much score at will. Sinclair, who missed a golden chance early on to give Canada a lead and later took an elbow to the nose, executed a perfect free kick in the 82nd minute to end Germ...

One might think that losing 4-2 after starting a cup final against your biggest rival with a 2-0 lead would be sole focus of any and all post-match rantings from the losing team. But U.S. goalkeeper Tim Howard found time to do his best Didier Drogba impression over the language in which CONCACAF conducted the post-match trophy presentation after his side did just that. From ESPN : "CONCACAF should be ashamed of themselves," Howard said. "I think it was a f***ing disgrace that the entire postmatch ceremony was in Spanish. You can bet your ass that if we were in Mexico City, it wouldn't be all in English. "But that's not why we lost the game. They've got some special players who put us in some bad situations." Howard is right, though. They wouldn't have conducted the ceremony in English if the final was played in Mexico City. Because, like most everyone in the predominantly Mexico supporting crowd at the Rose Bowl on Saturday night, people in ...

We can't see the face of the person who took this sign to Mexico's 4-2 win over the U.S. in the Gold Cup final on Saturday, but I'm willing to bet it was USSF president Sunil Gulati. Or a representative of any of Manchester United's Premier League rivals. Whoever it was, their sperm doodles probably made Home Depot regret giving fans the space to write/draw whatever they wanted above their company's name. Photo: Getty Images

The U.S. came up with two goals in the first 22 minutes of their third straight Gold Cup final against Mexico, but Mexico, who were the better team throughout, proved it by piling on four goals after that to win 4-2. It wasn't quite as bad as the U.S.'s 5-0 loss to Mexico in the 2009 Gold Cup final, but that's not saying much. An early injury to Steve Cherundolo, giving Bob Bradley the chance to put the panic-inducing Jonathan Bornstein into a shaky U.S. defense didn't help at all. The terrible defending on display in the video above gives a sample size of what Tim Howard had to work with. Scoring the game's final goal with a flourish, Mexico's Gio Dos Santos controlled the ball in the box as Howard flopped around behind him before finally chipping the ball over Eric Lichaj's head and into the far corner of the goal. Dos Santos made a number of threatening runs throughout the match, only to come up with nothing, so for him to finish one like this was a dagge...

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK: 1. YESSSSSSSSSSSS -- I AM KING OF THE RAFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BOW BEFORE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I STILL FEEL INFERIOR BECAUSE I'M NOT WEARING A HEAD SCARF THOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2. OFF THE POST AND IN THE FACE SHOT -- THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!!!!!!!! NOT ONLY DOES HE NOT SCORE BUT HE SMASHES HIS OWN TEAMMATES IN THE FACE WITH HIS SHOT!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH WHY ARE MY DREAMS HAPPENING IN REALITY?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!? 3. THIERRY HENRY'S LAME RED CARD -- SO HE PUSHED THE BACK OF AN OPPONENTS HEAD A LITTLE THAT IS NOT WORTH A RED CARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE ONLY OFFENSES THAT SHOULD GET FOOTBALLERS SENT OFF ARE DECAPITATIONS AND TELLING SECRETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO ONE LIKES PEOPLE WHO TELL SECRETS!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH STOP LAUGHING AT ME WHILE YOU WHISPER!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4. CORN -- I DIDN'T SEE ANY EVIDENCE OF THE CORN CONSPIRACY THIS WEEK WHICH MEANS EVERYONE SHO...

Violence plagues football both on and off the pitch all around the world, so what better way to let fans release some extra aggression ahead of a cup final between fierce rivals than with an internet boxing game featuring two of the teams' biggest stars? That's what Mexican site Medio Tiempo must have figured when they produced " Soccer Knockout " as a way to get Mexico fans excitedly mashing their keyboards ahead of Saturday's Gold Cup. You are Chicharito and your nemesis in the ring is Landon Donovan, creating an odd matchup between two of the most easy-going guys they could have used. The game starts out criminally easy, with the player able to pummel Donovan with ease and Landon seems unwilling to punch back while his face turns purple, his teeth fall out and bandages magically appear on his forehead. But like the U.S.'s fortunes on the pitch against Mexico (except for the 2009 Gold Cup final, which Mexico won 5-0), Landon gets progressively harder to beat...

Count me as one who thinks goal celebrations in MLS have been lacking for the past few years. In a similar fashion to the NBA slam dunk contest, the level of creativity displayed by recent goal scorers is troublesome, and if it continues like this it could be detrimental for the future of showboating in our domestic game. We can't compete with the big leagues in Europe if we can't celebrate like them. How many of the same old airplanes, impromptu shirt-strippings, and karate attacks on the corner flag should we be expected to sit through without saying anything? We need Robbie Fowler on line one, because that's a guy who knew how to celebrate a goal with some creativity. And we also need Roger Levesque to keep scoring goals. Last night at the newly named CenturyLink Field, Red Bull's goalkeeper Greg Sutton received a backpass at the edge of the 18 yard box and completely bugged out once the ball reached his feet. Sutton was unable to find an open pass or any sense of ge...

It's Lionel Messi's 24th birthday, so to mark the occasion, here's a compilation of some of his finest work in evading the futile efforts to bring him down. You can elbow him, you can lunge at him, you can pull his shirt, but in the end, Messi will still find a way to embarrass you and then giggle at how easy it was to do so. Pele recently said yet again that Leo needs to score more than his 1,283 goals in order to be considered the best ever. But whether he's considered the best, second best or 145th best ever doesn't really matter. And I doubt he'll be counting goals in the hopes of sticking it to Pele. Though 1,283 could be a good target number for next season. Happy birthday, Lionel. I hope you get the Lego fire station we sent.

Following Barcelona's latest bid for Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas after years of publicly stating their interest and two rejected offers last summer, the player has announced that he has changed his mind and doesn't really want a move to the European champions after all. Despite making it clear in recent seasons that he considered a return to his hometown club his dream move, Fabregas declared his surprising change of heart during a news conference at Arsenal's training complex. "I just discovered this great tapas place in London," said the 24-year-old World Cup winner. "And, yeah, I've had better back home, but how can I leave now? This place is a find." This development will come as a shock to the Spanish giants, who were prepared to offer as much as 35 million for the midfielder. "I recently realized that whenever I'm in London I wish I was home and whenever I'm home I wish I was in London," Fabregas continued. "You know th...

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-winning Dirty Tackle... So why was Wolverine at Wednesday night's Philadelphia Union match? He's apparently buddies with the club's chairman. Also, Stu Holden and his jorts were there too. [ Brotherly Game ] Nike France and Brazil polos are pretty nice. [ The Beautiful Gear ] Germany are 6-5 favorites to win their third straight Women's World Cup. [ KCKRS ] Pep Guardiola: Obsession down memory lane. [ IBWM ] Russians still throwing bananas at Roberto Carlos. [ The Offside ] The new language of football. [ Kickette ] Villas-Boas at Chelsea: New era or deja vu? [ Backpage Football ] Abramovich getting impatient as Villas-Boas enters second trophyless day. [ News Thump ] DT nominated for an award! Vote for us in the "funniest and most entertaining football website" category here: [ Caught Offside ]

Since he has some free time on his hands, Gerard Pique accompanied girlfriend and public make-out partner Shakira on a trip to Israel as part of her work as an ambassador for the UNICEF conspiracy. And pretty much the whole time they were there, Pique looked lost and confused. That's the couple with Israel president Shimon Peres at the top of the post. While everyone else is forcing themselves to smile, Pique looks like he's watching a lion eat a gazelle. This was only the beginning, though... "I wonder what Zlatan's doing right now..." "Is that a moon bounce?!" "No one told me that my shirt, pants and belt were all supposed to be the same color." "Hahaha I had no idea Tony Blair still exists." Photos: Getty, Reuters, AP

As Leeds did their lap of honor after their final match of the season, 63-year-old great grandmother Margaret Musgrove invaded the pitch and was promptly escorted away by security ( video here ) and put in a holding cell. Now, the woman with 13 grandchildren and three great grandchildren has been given an automatic ban of one year by the club because football clubs don't like pitch invaders, even if they're great grandmothers. From the Yorkshire Evening Post : Margaret said: "It's not like I am a hooligan. People who do much worse than this get the same ban. "A suspension from a few games would have hurt, but I already feel like I have been punished enough." Asked what she intended to do when she ran towards the players, Margaret added: "I just wanted to shout, 'Lads, I love you'. "I had my Leeds United bag across my chest and a United flag tied around my waste. It was hardly threatening." She added: "I've followed Leeds ...

Down 2-0 in the first leg of their playoff against second division champions Belgrano and staring a once unthinkable relegation in the face (if it had a face), River Plate fans snapped. Their club has more Argentine Primera Division titles (33) than any other and since violence seems to the natural reaction to anything even tangentially related to football there, they handled their grief by attacking the players during the match. A group of fans slipped through a whole in the massive fence that was supposed to protect the participants from the spectators and shoved and taunted their own players around midfield. The invaders then ran back to the fence, climb up and over the barbed wire around the top. They then joined their peers in beating the crud out of that fence. The match was suspended for 20 minutes, but it didn't stop River from still being down 2-0 at the final whistle. The second leg will be at home for River and, if they lose, they'll probably have to declare a nation...

In a supremely bizarre scene in Australia, an amateur footballer was shown a red card for a series of events that resulted from him playing with a genitalia piercing. And making it all the more surreal, the referee followed him into the dressing room to make sure he removed it right before sending him off anyway. The player in question was Old Hill Wanderers captain Aaron Eccleston and during a VicSoccer league match against Swinburne University reserves, the subject of his body piercing (which, as jewelry, is forbidden under the laws of the game) became the focus of attention. The Old Hill Wanderers' official website explains what happened: During the first half, our player was struck in the groin by the ball, and left the field to receive attention. At this point the referee became aware that the he had a body piercing. He subsequently received two yellow cards, firstly for re-entering the field of play without the referee's permission, and secondly for privacy reasons b...

WIthin seconds of winning their third Copa Libertadores title and first since 1963, Santos took on Penarol in an all-out brawl that included a lot of kicking and even more pointing. It was an unfortunate way to end a second leg match that finished 2-1, with all three goals coming in the second half. Neymar struck first (because that was pretty much his destiny) and when the violence subsided, a joyous Pele came out and celebrated with the team. From the AP : "A (Santos) fan entered the field and provoked us," Penarol forward Alejandro Martinuccio said. "They have to learn how to celebrate, we had accepted the loss." A couple of Santos players were hit and stayed on the ground after the fight, but none were seriously injured. Penarol players later calmed down and came back to receive their runner-up medals. "They were a worthy opponent, but they don't know how to lose," Santos defender Leo said. So Santos don't know how to celebrate and Penarol d...

With a move he surely must have learned from the erotic teachings of The Continental, Chicharito followed up Aldo De Nigris' extra time goal by scoring one of his own using his crotch/arm in Mexico's 2-0 win over Honduras. Having already scored goals with his face, pancreas, and just about every other human body part, this further proves that Chicharito is capable of scoring with any section of his anatomy at any time. So, the seemingly inevitable Gold Cup final of the U.S. v Mexico is now set. It's the third straight time we've had this matchup in the final -- the U.S. won 2-1 in 2007 and Mexico won 5-0 in 2009. Will Freddy Adu continue to be the Americans' secret weapon ? Will Chicharito score with his earlobe? On Saturday, we will know.

Freddy Adu had not played for the U.S. national team in two years, yet in the Gold Cup semifinals, with the score 0-0 and the team looking unimpressive against a Panama side that already beat them once in this tournament, Adu was put in the game. The forgotten 22-year-old who was unfairly labeled as the "American Pele" at 14 and became the youngest to ever play for the U.S. team at 16 was subbed in because the team needed a spark and, to the surprise of many, he provided it. He showed glimpses of the speed and creativity that caused the hype and overwhelming expectations years ago and 12 minutes after he entered the game, he found Landon Donovan with a long pass from midfield and Donovan then supplied a great pass of his own for Clint Dempsey to finish at the far post. After the celebration, Dempsey gave credit to both Donovan and Adu for setting him up for the goal that gave them a 1-0 win and a spot in the Gold Cup final. Though he only played for about half an hour against...

Pele has never been known for handing out the best advice -- especially to young Brazilian footballers looking to make the jump to Europe -- but he has told 19-year-old Neymar at least one thing that was genius: Stop. Diving. From the AP : "He is a player with a body that can't take a lot of hits," Pele told a news conference. "A lot of times he will fall because he can't do anything else, but he was overdoing it. "Even when he is fouled, he can't make a spectacle out of it," he said. "I told him that he really needs to avoid that." So, Pele acknowledges that skinny Neymar can't take a lot of hits, yet he still decided to try and break him by having the kid carry him and his Velcro shoes a while back. Or maybe that was just some kind of Pele punishment for diving. "Every time you go down easy, you must carry Pele to his doctor's appointments! Tell your biceps to stop snapping!"

Chelsea announced that the incredibly expensive (15 million Porto buyout clause) and incredibly young (33 -- the same age as Frank Lampard) Andre Villas-Boas is officially their new manager on Wednesday. When Jose Mourinho took over as Chelsea boss (and brought Villas-Boas along as his assistant), he promptly declared himself "The Special One." Villas-Boas has already tried to stamp out the inevitable comparisons by declaring himself "The S*** One" (see video below), but in his first Chelsea interview, he starts by saying, "don't expect something from one man." At which point, Mourinho probably started giggling somewhere. Though he may not have the ego of Jose Mourinho, he does have the confidence. Which he displayed when he was 17 and hounding Bobby Robson at home about football. From the Independent : "When Mr Bobby Robson came to Porto to be a coach in 1994, he moved into my building. I was a small boy, but because I was so interested in foot...

Welcome to the very first edition of the fastest growing game in the world of football, "What's on Sam Allardyce's lip?!" This week, we have an image of the Big Sam from his unveiling as West Ham's new manager on Wednesday and, as you can clearly see, there's something on his bottom lip. Let's go to the guesses! -Remnants of the chocolate wedding cake he had for breakfast. -The result of fighting squirrels in the park. -Something he got after sharing a glass of wine with a hobo. -An attempt to one-up David Villa by growing a soul patch on his lip. -A mark he got from licking Sharpie pens. -The reason you don't tell Scott Parker that he has "the haircut of a greasy ponce who probably fondles himself to opera music." -And, of course, there's The Big Sam's explanation . Thanks for playing, everybody. We'll see you next time on, "What's on Sam Allardyce's lip?!" [Theme music plays, audience claps, everyone contracts ...

Most football managers are a bit wary of Twitter since it provides a way for their players to blast out their unfiltered thoughts directly into the eye holes of the public, but the manger of League One side Yeovil Town sees it as his scouting department. Terry Skiverton, who took over as player-manager in 2009 before hanging up his boots in 2010, is 35 years old, yet he looks like he's 12. So obviously he's down with Twitter, YouTube, and wispy Justin Bieber haircuts. And now, he's revolutionizing the way football clubs scout for players. Or something. From the BBC : [Skiverton] told BBC Somerset: "It's not a bit of fun for me - it's serious business. "I can't afford a scouting system. I've got 1,700 followers [ he has over 2,000 now thanks to this. ] and out of that I've got quite a few names and there's been some interesting ones." He continued: "There's been so many players who have come through and we are following a ...

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-winning Dirty Tackle... You really should be able to guess the winner of this little accuracy competition before you watch it. [ 101gg ] A football painting worth 5.6 million. [ The Beautiful Gear ] MLS better than Brazil...in attendance. [ KCKRS ] Sunderland pronounce Leeds United dead. [ IBWM ] Analyzing the 16 Women's World Cup rosters. North Korea's average age: 20.47! [ All White Kit ] SportsCenter prepares for Women's World Cup by learning from Sergio Busquets. [ The Shinguardian ] New England Revolution have their sweary fans banned and arrested. [ TDiF ] The real reasons Chelsea want Villas-Boas. [ Surreal Football ] Premier League fixture list announcement day -- as it happened. [ The Gaffer ]

It's been a while since the last installment of the eternal feud between Pele and Maradona. What better time to revive it than right before Argentina hosts Copa America? Seizing the moment, Maradona continued the old man insult battle and even roped Neymar into it, as well. Reacting to Neymar's comment that he didn't need a move from Santos to Europe in order to be better than Lionel Messi, Maradona said (via Goal.com ): "Neymar is bad-mannered, just like Pele," the Al Wasl coach told TVE . "Messi is an exceptional player and I doubt anyone can separate him [from being the best]." Speaking of Messi, he tried to pay tribute to Maradona on the 25th anniversary of the "Hand of God" goal that helped Argentina win the 1986 World Cup in Monday's friendly against Albania... He tried to say that he used his head instead of both his hands, but no one bought it. He did score one with his feet and set up a couple of others, but that's no surpris...

Rumors have been circulating that Liverpool are chasing Aston Villa's Stewart Downing, so when a picture of Downing and Liverpool striker Andy Carroll posing with a fan and a Liverpool scarf in a bar popped up on Twitter, it appeared someone jumped the gun. But, before Villa fans could refocus their nuclear rage from Alex McLeish to Downing, the club's official Twitter account declared it was just a bit of photoshoppery. According to Downing, he did pose with Carroll and the fan, but they weren't holding a Liverpool scarf. And so that squashes the latest rumblings of summer transfer related outrage. Unless he's lying. The picture of Carroll and Kenny Dalgish at a Boyzone concert , however, remains all too real.

BBC Radio 5 live set out on the impossible mission of trying to create a listenable song using only the musical talents (or lack thereof) of footballers. So, they bumrushed players past and present with musical experience and none whatsoever to contribute bits for a song they would put together and try to convince BBC Radio 1 to play. Here's the lineup they were able to put together: Florent Malouda (Chelsea) - drums & tambourine Neil Danns (Crystal Palace) - vocals & egg shaker Gareth Ainsworth (Wycombe Wanderers) - vocals Alexi Lalas (former U.S. international) - guitar Paul Mcveigh (formerly of Norwich City) - piano Jermaine Defoe (Spurs) - triangle Michael Dawson (Spurs) - giro block Dion Dublin (formerly of Aston Villa) - 'dube' Nobby Solano (formerly of Newcastle) - trumpet The result? A dance track with a trumpet part thrown in there that Radio 1 decided to broadcast. It's not the best song ever, but given some of the musical abominations footballers have...

Andre Villas-Boas resigned from Porto on Tuesday and is on the verge of replacing Carlo Ancelotti as Chelsea manager. The former Jose Mourinho assistant just has the small matter of his 15 million Porto buyout clause and personal terms with Chelsea to settle. The following is a transcript of those negotiations with Chelsea chief executive Ron Gourlay. Villas-Boas: I'm going to get right to the point. If I'm going to coach Chelsea, I need assurances that I won't be sacked as quickly as the others. I need time to build. Gourlay: Of course, Andre! I have spoken to Mr. Abramovich about this and I can completely guarantee that you will be given four whole months to win the Champions League before getting sacked. Villas-Boas: But it's June. Four months from now we'll barely be into the new season. Gourlay: Exactly! That's a long time, isn't it? Villas-Boas: No. It's not. I need a firm commitment here. Gourlay: Andre, baby, we're putting a lot of mon...

What looks like a young fan of Chinese Super League side Dalian Shide decided he had enough of the referee during a 1-1 draw against Tianjin Teda last week and he wanted to do something about it. So, he hopped over the advertising board and jogged over to the ref with his arms flailing. Once he got close, the wet pitch betrayed him and he slipped. He persisted, though, and continued to run after the ref using far more energy to chase than the ref used to evade. Finally, he gave up on that mission and decided to just enjoy the moment and go for a pleasure run. So, with his arms still flailing, he tried to outrun the police and he ended up getting tackled by his neck. In short, this is what a bad idea looks like. Video via 101gg

On Sunday, 22-year-old Northern Irish golfer Rory McIlroy won his first major when he finished the U.S. Open with an eight stroke lead. On Monday, Manchester United's official website republished an interview with McIlroy from March that details his love for the club. And how his dad (pictured above) is a Man City fan. What are your earliest memories of supporting United? All my mum's side of the family are United supporters but my dad's actually a City fan so we have a few rows in the house! My first memory is the FA Cup final in 1996. I remember the green and white that Liverpool wore and, of course, Cantona's late winner. Funnily enough, McIlory just so happened to be wearing City colors when he won. And though his clothing is dictated by his sponsor, it's still somewhat surprising that a "diehard United fan" would compete in City colors. Then again, it was Father's Day. Photos: Getty

Thierry Henry scored his eighth goal of the season in New York's 3-3 draw against Portland on Sunday, making him the league's top scorer (along with Landon Donovan). That was just the set-up for the joke that was his straight red card in injury time for giving the Timbers' Adam Moffat a firm pat on the back of the head (35 seconds into the video). Moffat responded by shoving Henry, but the two quickly seemed to resolve their dispute before the referee decided that he didn't like the initial touches. Moffat was shown a yellow card and Henry a red for "violent conduct." Because those slaps to the back of the mellon could've given Moffat a headache or something. After the initial shock of the strangely harsh punishment wore off, Thierry reacted in Mourinho-esque fashion by shaking hands with his opponents and the referee before walking away. Needless to say, New York was not happy with the decision and on Monday, sporting director Erik Soler ripped into the q...

Spain's magnificent run in last summer's men's World Cup was nearly overshadowed by a now deceased octopus named Paul , who successfully "predicted" their win over the Netherlands in the final as well as Germany's seven matches in the tournament. Now, it's the women's turn to share the spotlight with aquarium dwelling cephalopods. Germany, which was home to Paul and will host the Women's World Cup starting on Sunday, will also be the site of the search for Paul's successor. It will be an "Octopus Idol" or "The O Factor" of sorts, as the country's Sea Life centers try to recreate the worldwide interest ( and money ) generating delight that was Paul's massive fame that somehow lasted until his death last October at the age of 2 1/2. Instead of just one octopus choosing which mussel it would like to eat out of two boxes bearing the flags of nations participating in a given match and having the result called a prediction...