DT Exclusive: Robin van Persie tries to speed up his move from Arsenal

Despite Robin van Persie's declaration that he would not sign a new contract with Arsenal and publicly questioning the club's ambition on his official website, the team captain and leading scorer was still at their first preseason training session on Tuesday. The following is a transcript of Van Persie's conversation with manager Arsene Wenger as he attempted to speed up his departure.

RVP: So. Boss. You...read my website, right?

Wenger: Is your website called www.ProfitsandPodolski.com?

RVP: No...

Wenger: Then no.

RVP: Well, I was just wondering if you're going to sell me soon because this is kind of awkward.

Wenger: We'll see.

RVP: Alright. I didn't want to have to do this, but if ask me to warm up twice during a Champions League match, I'm going to refuse.

Wenger: That didn't work for Carlos Tevez and it won't work for you.

RVP: Fine. Then I'm going to demand a transfer to Man City.

Wenger: That didn't work for Wayne Rooney and it won't work for you.

RVP: Fine! Then I'm going to shoot one of the work experience kids with an air rifle.

Wenger: That didn't work for Ashley Cole and it won't work for you.

RVP: But I need to win trophies!

Wenger: And I need to ride a unicorn to Hobbit Town. Talking about things that don't exist won't help you, Robin.

RVP: That's it. No more messing around. Boss...I've been diagnosed with Barca DNA.

Wenger: What?

RVP: Yes. Barca DNA. I have it. I sha! red a wa ter bottle with Ibrahim Afellay during Euro 2012 and now I've contracted Barca DNA. You have to sell me now. I even have a doctor's note from Xavi that says I'm suffering.

Wenger: I see. We'll do the best we can, Robin. I promise.

Bendtner: Yeah, I have Barca DNA too, actually.

Wenger: Shut up, Nicklas.

Arshavin: I have chrome DNA :)))))))))))))))

Wenger: Sigh.

Arshavin: Hahahaha you said the word sigh instead of actually sighing.