Dimitar Berbatov isThe Continental

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me talking to the television about myself. In addition to my impressions of The Godfather, long periods of sensual but uncomfortable silence, references to bizarre sexual acts involving spoiled food sauces and mentions of how I won the Golden Boot award yet still didn't make the bench for the Champions League final, I am also revealing my latest plans for next season. ... No, I won't be spending the new year at least 500 yards away from you at all times as numerous courts have ordered. Ha-HA! You're gorgeous when you say silly things like that, you know.

In truth, my erotic revelation is that I will be staying with Manchester United. ... Shh-shh. Don't laugh. I realize that my diminishing playing time and the rise of my protege Chicharito a.k.a. Little Berba should be taken as warnings that the club does not value The Berba's arousing talents. But I am prepared to fight for my place here just as I fight for your affection and an invitation into your mayonnaise filled bathtub. ... Yes, I filled your bathtub with mayonnaise. Ha-HA!

Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of...The Continental...

Photo: Getty