Soccer Sorcery

With that Fernando Torres money burning a hole in their pocket before it even got there, Liverpool made Andy Carroll the most expensive British player ever, just three months after he signed a new-five year deal with Newcastle. So why did Carroll want to leave his beloved hometown club? Well, according to the texts he sent the editor of the Toon Talk fanzine as he completed the 35 million deal, he didn't. From The Mirror (and the Independent ): In a series of texts as the clubs did the deal, he toldfanzine editor Steve Wraith: They have kind of said we dont want u, but wantme to say I wanna go. And I said I dont wanna go. Asked what was going on, Carroll replied: I dont knowmate. Gutted tho. They said they wanted the money. Gutted to be leaving my homeclub but I was practically told to go. Dont want to leave. Thats why I signedfive-year deal. It was reported that Carroll put in a transfer request on Monday, "forcing" Newcastle to sell him for that giant bag of money, bu...

Fernando Torres' 50 million deal sending him from Liverpool to Chelsea is now complete and though he's only been at Stamford Bridge a short time, he's already said something that will probably drive the psychotic fringes of Liverpool fandom to burn more of his old shirts . Speaking to Chelsea TV, Torres said: "It's always very tough to play against Chelsea, they are one of the biggest teams in Europe, always fighting for everything. So after that there is no more to look forward -- it's the top level and this is the target for every footballer. To play in one of the top level clubs in the world and I can do it now, so I have to be very happy, as I am." Oh. Snap. Liverpool fans get very defensive whenever someone points to their recent struggles as evidence that they no longer have a "top level club," but to hear it from the player they once thought shared a special bond with them will be enough to cause more than a few mental breakdowns. Of cour...

Blackpool manager and press conference entertainer Ian Holloway last week followed through on his theatrical promise to offer his resignation if the Premier League fined him for fielding a "weakened team" in a close 3-2 loss to Aston Villa in November. Club chairman Karl Oyston refused to accept Holloway's resignation, so now, against Oyston's wishes, Ian has spewed another one of his trademark melodramatic performances when questioned on the matter. His points are sound and his frustration is genuine. "How am I a manager?" he asks in regard to some faceless panel deeming his team selection too weak. "I don't feel a manager anymore." "It's a disgrace," he says. "What would have happened if we won 3-2? Would they have fined me then? If not, why not?" After all, it would have been the same squad and even with the result as it was, it's not like Blackpool lost 5-0. Holloway goes on to express how he's tried to win ...

Fernando Torres departed from Liverpool for a Roman Abramovich mega-yacht full of cash on Monday and owner John Henry wasted no time in spending it all. Despite this, small groups of Liverpool fans caught up in the day's frenzied confusion decided to burn a Torres Liverpool shirt outside the club's Melwood training ground, showing just how they feel about him...and how willing they are to burn a Liverpool shirt without giving it a second thought. Of course, the vast majority of Liverpool supporters see just how stupid this as non-Liverpool fans, but holding any kind of bitter grudge against the player when his fee is paying for (the overpriced) Andy Carroll and Charlie Adam seems a bit silly. As Fredorrarci from Sport is a TV Show said, " It's disgraceful how Torres wants to leave Liverpool for the [Champions League] and lots of money after leaving Atletico for the CL and lots of money." Photo: Getty Images

Well hello there. I see you've caught me joyously celebrating with Chicharito a.k.a. Little Berba. As Manchester United's greatest ever goal scorer, I have groomed him in my image -- starting with the mayonnaise-filled gloves. While he doesn't have my devilish good looks, my charm, my wit, my arousing widow's peak, my raccoon-like scent or my ability to guess the color of your underpants, Little Berba is developing into a good scorer and reliable Berba-bait in bringing Berba-beauties back to my carpeted van. Ha-HA! ... Yes, I do try to smell like raccoon and no, I don't care if you think that's weird. My genius on the pitch and erotic excellence as a raccoon-odored mentor aside, I just wanted to reassure you on this mad day of footballers coming and going that your dear Berba will not abandon you. ... Yes, even if you get the police to demand that I do. ... The Berba will always be here for you, sitting awkwardly in a tree outside your window, holding used massa...

Werder Bremen goalkeeper Tim Weise likes to attack Bayern Munich players. In 2008, he kicked Ivica Olic in the face like some kind of flying monkey. Perhaps encouraged by the fact that he only received a yellow card for that, he decided to try a WWE finishing move on Thomas Muller during Saturday's match. This time, however, Weise was sent off for kicking Muller both in his chest and his back with one move and he seemed pretty OK with that. In related news, this was not a fun match for Thomas Muller. Between being the target of Weise's flying kicks and getting strangled by Arjen Robben , he might need some therapy after this. Video of Weise's attack on Olic and another look at the Muller kicks all set to the obligatory Drowning Pool soundtrack right this way...

The 2011 South American Youth Championship (aka the U-20 continental tournament) is ready to enter its final stage. Starting with ten sides in two groups, there are now six teams in one big pot. Each team will play each other once over five matchdays between 31 January and 12 February, with the winner on points being crowned under-20 champion of South America. Just as importantly, the top four qualify for the 2011 U-20 World Cup , and the top two qualify for the 2012 London Olympics. The final six teams are: Argentina Brazil Chile Colombia Ecuador Uruguay Stay tuned to find out if well see any more one-man shows from Neymar, or any of the other young talent on display. The full schedule can be found on our South American U-20 fixtures page, but if anyone is wondering (and you know you are), Argentina vs. Brazil is set for February 6th.

League One's Notts County put in a valiant effort to earn a 1-1 draw and an FA Cup fourth round replay against Man City at Meadow Lane on Sunday. While they were certainly outmatched in the talent department by the ultra expensive City side, they made up for it with their fight. Particularly in the form of punches to the face while going for headers. Ah, the magic of the FA Cup. Photo: Reuters

Osasuna fans tried to help their side defend a 1-0 lead against Real Madrid on Sunday by throwing extra footballs onto the pitch. On two different Real attacks in the second half, balls came flying out from the stands behind Osasuna's goal, halting play and frustrating the visitors further. It's amazing they got away with this not once, but twice. I guess after the Liverpool beach ball incident , the ref figured it was only a matter of time before their plot backfired. Real Madrid ended up losing 1-0 to 16th-place Osasuna, putting them seven points behind Barca in the table and in a " much more difficult situation ," according to Jose Mourinho. But that's fine with him. He wasn't even trying to win La Liga this season anyway. He's just been pretending to care so Barca feel like they're accomplishing something. Next season it's totally on. Unless, you know, something goes wrong again. Video via Caught Offside

Fragile Arjen Robben breaking several bones in his hand while trying to strangle Thomas Muller. Arjen Robben does not appreciate it when his teammates moan about his wayward free kicks. When Thomas Muller gestured to express his disapproval of Arjen Robben's second half free kick in Bayern's 3-1 in over Werder Bremen on Saturday, Robben took exception. So, the glass Dutchman who scored Bayern's first goal of the match got in Muller's face and grabbed him by the throat (pictured above) then hit him in the face (below). After the match, Robben explained why he snapped. From Sky Sports : "I hate it when team-mates constantly raise their hands and complain," said Robben. "It is disrespectful. We are a team. We don't need to do that. We have got to be role models and should not make such gesticulations." Right. And I suppose physically attacking your teammates in the middle of a match is a much better example to set as a role model. Arjen Robben: Ex...

Referee Paolo Tagliavento tries to make van Bommel feel more at home. By sending him back to the dressing room. In his first match in Serie A (his Italian debut with a midweek Coppa Italia win over Sampdoria), rough-houser Mark van Bommel lasted just 54 minutes against Catania before being shown his second yellow card and getting sent off. Did you expect anything else? Luckily for Milan, Robinho scored just four minutes later and Zlatan Ibrahimovic made it 2-0 in shortly before full time, so they still got a win despite their 33-year-old new signing. Have a look at the van Bommel-y contact that got him sent off... After the match, manager Massimiliano Allegri said van Bommel needs to be a little more subtle in his efforts to constantly foul people (via Football Italia ): Its fair enough, said the Coach of the red card on Van Bommels Serie A debut. The referees make decisions based on what they see and this is an example. Van Bommel shouldve been a bit sneakier, but it is his second gam...

Moroccos architectural jewel Stade de Marrakech After competing against South Africa for the 3rd time in the last decade to host an international tournament, Morocco finally came out on top. The North African country, who competed against South Africa to host both the 2006 and 2010 World Cups, was selected by the Confederation of African Football to host the 2015 edition of the African Cup of Nations . South Africa , who were also in the running to host the 2015 tournament, were named hosts for the 2017 ACN. Despite wanting to host the earlier edition of the tournament, South Africa could hardly complain about receiving their second choice We would have liked to host the 2015 edition. We made a presentation that we have the infrastructure ready as well as all the volunteers that worked during the Fifa World Cup to call on a short notice, but like we say, we welcome the decision as there was no losers. And while a few criticized South Africa for riding the coattails of its recent suc...

When Japan lost a meaningless World Cup qualifier to Australia 2-1 in June of 2009 (both sides had already qualified), captain Yuji Nakazawa couldn't believe it. "We were beaten by pizza eaters," he told the Fuji newspaper . "They were on a different level to us." Though Nakazawa couldn't play in the Asian Cup due to injury just like he couldn't play in that match due to a migraine, he must have been more pleased with the result against those people who eat all that delicious pizza. After a scoreless 90 minutes, the Asian Cup final went to extra time on Saturday and Japan ended up scoring the match's only goal in the 109th minute. An off-balance Yuto Nagatomo found a wide open Tadanari Lee in the box with a perfect cross and Lee volleyed it into the back of the net. The lights of the Khalifa International Stadium in Qatar danced, the Australians were stunned and Lee celebrated by shooting an invisible arrow into the sky. And somewhere, Yuji Nakazawa ...

This is the start of a new series both here at World Cup Blog and over at The Offside, in which I will be talking to our bloggers from around the world about their thoughts on big upcoming matches. Today, I talked to Aidan Williams from Japan World Cup Blog and Jack Spencer from Australia World Cup Blog about Sundays Asian Cup final, where one of those two sides will be crowned champions of Asia. First off, it has to be said that after the 6-0 over Uzbekistan, Australia has a bit more of the momentum coming into the final. Jack do you think that puts more pressure on the boys? Jack: Yes and No. Australias previous Asian cup was overshadowed by complacency and never really hitting our full potential. Respecting Uzbekistan and hammering them without conceding suggests we have a proper cohesive team this time around. However, yes it does put pressure on the team as it would normally. Matt Mckay has been a shining light so far and i have concerns for him and some of the younger player...

Liverpool acquired Luis Suarez from Ajax on Friday and to celebrate the occasion, the club's official website posted a collection of lovely picture of the talented goal scorer. That's just fine, but it hardly shows all sides of Suarez. So, here are some other images of him. (Note: Not all captions are 100 percent accurate.) Laughing at a person trapped under a car. Here he is with a baby he stole. Failing at one of his many attempts to fly. Forcing his teammates to perform unspeakable acts on him. Trying to turn the World Cup into a volleyball tournament . Laughing moments before attempting to throw Diego Forlan off the stage. And finally, this is Luis Suarez surprising an opponent with his favorite hobby -- Twilight role play . None of this should make Liverpool fans think any less of their great new signing. It's just always nice to have the complete view of things so as to avoid shock, horror and knee-jerk reactions down the road. Photos: Getty Images, Reuters, AP

Hope Powell holds up her medal for being more awesome than Andy Gray. As a result of Richard Keys and Andy Gray's sexist comments about match official Sian Massey and West Ham executive Karren Brady, English Football Hall of Fame member and women's national team coach Hope Powell says this whole thing has been great for the women's game. Once again, we see that no publicity is bad publicity. Unless you're Andy Gray or Richard Keys, who are now out of jobs they loved, or Sian Massey, who has been withdrawn from two consecutive matches (through not fault of her own) as the PGMO waits for the attention to die down. From the BBC : "Obviously it's a shame, you don't want to hear those sort of comments," Powell told BBC Sport. "But to flip it on its head, we've had really good publicity this week."[...] Powell added: "Sian earned the right to be there and run that line. More importantly she made some really fantastic calls, which can only...

AHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK: 1. THIS BALL - IT IS THE COLOR OF THE DEMON VEGGIE!!!!!!!! I WILL HURL IT INTO ANOTHER UNIVERSE SO SPACE CREATURES FROM WHATEVER PLANET MILEY CYRUS IS FROM WILL BE FORCED TO DEAL WITH THE HORRORS IT CONTAINS!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH I AM JUST REALIZING THAT MY ARM ISN'T STRONG ENOUGH TO EVEN THROW IT OUT OF THE EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS UNSETTLING!!!!!!!! 2. RICHARD KEYS AND ANDY GRAY -- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?!?!! IF I WAS A WOMAN AND YOU MADE THOSE COMMENTS ABOUT ME I WOULD BEAT YOU WITH A BABY!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT A WOMAN I WOULD STILL LIKE TO DO THAT BUT NO ONE GIVES ME THEIR BABIES ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!! 3. KEVIN MUSCAT'S AWFUL TACKLE -- THIS IS SICKENING!!!!!!!!! COMPLETELY SICKENING!!!!!!!!!!!! I VOLUNTEER TO HEADBUTT KEVIN MUSCAT UNTIL HE REALIZES HOW IT FEELS TO HAVE SOMEONE DISREGARD YOUR SAFETY!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I LIKE TO HEADBU...

This is why you don't park behind a goal, even if there is a giant net between your automobile and the pitch. It seems like our Keisuke Honda impersonator (at least, I think it's an impersonator) might have been trying to do this or could have been aided by a bit of computer trickery, but it's hard to say whether that's the case or whether we've become too jaded by corporate attempts to create viral videos. See what modern society has done to us? We don't even know when to laugh at a YouTube video of a shot gone wrong or dismiss it as something more sinister. The horror. The horror.

You are...magnificent. Now that Wayne Rooney is a shell of his former self at the age of 25, it's time for England to focus all their crushing hopes and impossible expectations on another young player. And manager Fabio Capello has come down from the mountain to reveal who that next deity will be. Welcome to the inferno, Jack Wilshere. Capello told the Telegraph that starting with England's upcoming friendly against Denmark, the 19-year-old Wilshere will play in the "Makelele role" for the team. Except Fabio says he's better than Makelele so you might as well start calling it the "Wilshere spot of marvelousness": "Wilshere is better technically than Makelele. He's slower than Makelele but when he receives the ball he is more dangerous than Makelele." So, Wilshere is Claude Makelele, but slower and more awesome. Got it. "Wilshere is the best young player. He now plays all the time with Arsenal. If you play with Arsenal, you are a r...

Bayern Munich thumped 2. Bundesliga side Alemannia Aachen 4-0 in their DFB Pokal quarterfinal match on Wednesday. This can easily be chalked up to the superior side doing what they were supposed to do, but it also may have been a bit of karmic payback for the Alemannia fan who decided to tag their bus before the match. Police caught the guy with spray cans in his pockets as he tried to run away and could now charge him with criminal property damage. Marking Bayern's bus is turning into something of a trend for opposing supporters, though. Back in December, Borussia Dortmund fans put their club's stickers on it as a reminder of who sat atop the table going into the winter break. None of these people appear to be the next Banksy, though. Screencap: Bild

With the threat of an NFL lockout looming, it turns out Chad Ochocinco isn't the only player feeling out the possibility of switching to another kind of football during the potential layoff. Indianapolis Colts punter Pat McAfee is training with the Columbus Crew this week as the team prepares for the upcoming MLS season. He really is training, too -- not just talking about it like Ocho. According to the Crew's official website , the 23-year-old who played both types of football at the University of West Virginia was "a three-time first-team all-conference selection in the sport [soccer] in high school." From the Columbus Dispatch : Crew coach Robert Warzycha [says] McAfee is slated to stick around for a few more days and that the former college soccer player "showed us he is a pretty good player." "He wanted to be in a pro environment and try it out, Warzycha said. "I dont think we would close the door to anybody just because they play a differ...

Iker Casillas I feel sleepy and my head hurts, but why? ... Did Pepe kick me in the back of the head? ... Did someone throw Cristiano's baby at me? ... Whatever it is, someone's probably going to blame my girlfriend for it. ... And now -- now I feel like crying. ... But I can't. I can't do that anymore. ... Come on, Iker. Be a tough guy. ... Be tough, Iker. You don't have to cry about every little thing that happens to anyone anywhere. ... Even if it's a small child coming up to you after a match and saying thank you for winning the World Cup and- ... Maybe if I keep my face buried in the grass no one will see my tears... Steven Gerrard Eskimo kisses! Jorge Rodriguez OooooOOOO-OOooooo! ... This is my new super awesome goal celebration. ... Everyone is going to be so jealous of how awesome it makes me look. ... I think I'm going to call it The Guapo Man. ... Oh. Yes. ... Also, the hand ears are key to this whole thing. ... God, I bet I look so awesome right ...

Videos of people getting hit in the face with balls are easily about 35% of all the clips YouTube (the rest are about Justin Bieber), but this is one of the better ones. From last week's San Diego Sockers indoor match, an over-enthusiastic shot from distance flies well over the goal and smacks a child in the face in the "Kid Zone." The kid quickly recovers, collects the ball and jogs off like a junkie who just found a money clip on the sidewalk. Now, I'm no expert on the indoor game, but I'm pretty sure that if you hit a kid in the face with a shot, you get an automatic win and all the old hot dogs you can eat at the concession stand. So this was obviously a success no matter how you look at it.

In Ryan Babel's first match with the club, Hoffenheim lost their DFB Pokal quarterfinal match against 2. Bundesliga side Energie Cottbus. Even more surprising than the result, though, was the fact that Babel played. His fictional release date from his fictional stint in #TwitterJail isn't until January 31 , after all. But hey -- at least he started a football match. That hasn't been happening too often for him. Photos: Reuters

Since Cristiano Ronaldo joined Real Madrid and has been forced to watch as Lionel Messi not only runs rampant against his team, but wins league titles and personal awards while doing so, many have assumed growing resentment from Ronaldo aimed at his Argentine rival. Well, Ronaldo would like to tell you that that's just not true and that he hates Messi no more than any other footballer who isn't him. From Soccernet : "I don't have an obsession or a direct rivalry with Messi," Ronaldo told La Gazzetta dello Sport. "I feel the same way about other players. But, one thing is certain: I want to be the best of all footballers. "I don't envy Messi at all. My priority is to win La Liga and the Champions League with Real Madrid, not Ballon d'Or awards." That's right. He doesn't care about La Liga titles and Champions League wins. Which, you know, all happen to be things Messi also has. The proof lies in Ronaldo's own house. He doesn'...

I'm Bert Tiddle and you've never heard of me. During a match against Aston Villa in 1985, I kicked Andy Gray in the head for no reason, knocking whatever sense he had right out of him. Since then I have offered many times to kick him in the head again to see if it fixes him, but he keeps refusing. Andy Gray is a numpty with a dented head. So Andy Gray and Rico Keys spouted their man banter near cameras that they were too dumb to realize could be turned on and now people want to stone them to death in the center of London. This is fantastic. I always hated those two, so like everyone else, I hope their lives are forever ruined by these things they said. Now we just have to hope that some twunt doesn't see them shivering on the street and offer these chuckleheads new jobs after mistaking them for those hobos with commentating talents that are roaming around these days. That would be a travesty. Sexism is stupid. I tell my 18 kids that all the time. It doesn't matter if y...

Scoring with his penalty kick aside, this was not the greatest series of events for Bahia's Rafael. In the Copa Sao Paulo de Futebol Junior final loss to Flamengo, Rafael was kicked in the neck by two Flamengo players at the same time as he went to head a bouncing ball off a corner. This earned Rafael a penalty, which he converted after a long run up to the ball. Then, overjoyed by his success, he ran towards the fans -- hurdling the advertising hoarding only to find that there was a staircase on the other side of it. He somehow avoided falling all the way down the stairs and recovered to continue his celebration. Once the adrenaline subsided, he realized that his fall into the staircase was, in fact, quite painful, so he laid on the ground for a bit and then rode the cart off the pitch...

Rafael will miss Saturday's FA Cup tie with Southampton after being carried off on a stretcher at Blackpool last night with concussion. The Brazilian defender was involved in a sickening collision with Marlon Harewood and was taken to hospital for X-rays. Thankfully, he was quickly given the all-clear and was able to return to Manchester with his team-mates following the dramatic 3-2 win. However, as with all cases of concussion, United will ensure Rafael gets the correct break from physical contact and the 20-year-old will not travel to the south coast for this weekend's fourth-round tie. Meanwhile, Javier Hernandez has admitted he should have had a hat-trick at Bloomfield Road. The Mexican nabbed the equaliser 16 minutes from time, having failed to beat Richard Kingson with a similar opportunity not long after his introduction as a second-half substitute for Wayne Rooney. It took his tally for the season to 10, but Hernandez might have also added to his si...

Once Lionel Messi converted his penalty in Barcelona's 3-0 win over Racing Santander on Saturday, he pulled up his shirt to reveal a message scrawled across his undershirt. It wished his mami a happy birthday for all the cameras to see. A nice gesture from a grateful child to the woman who carried him around inside her body for nine months before enduring labor and allowing the world to be graced with his abilities, but also one that the killjoys at the Spanish football federation felt compelled to punish. From Reuters : The referee did not book the Argentine forward for the celebration but mentioned the action in his match report. The federation's disciplinary committee punished Messi under their article 91.1 for goal celebrations, which carries a fine of between 2000 and 3000 euros, and awarded him a yellow card. To someone who makes as much as Messi does, a fine of a couple thousand euros is hardly worth caring about and probably something he knew would happen before doing ...