Artur Borucs Friday Rage List

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. MEMORIES -- I HATE MEMORIES!!!!!!!!!!!! WHENEVER I THINK ABOUT CELTIC I CAN'T HELP BUT MISS IT A LITTLE!!!!!!!!! MY TEAMMATES HEADS WERE ALL SO CRUSHABLE!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I STUCK EIGHT PENCILS IN MY EARS AND I'M STILL NOT FORGETTING ANYTHING YET!!!!!!!!!!

2. WALTER PANDIANI'S PROLIFIC SWEATING -- I TOOK THIS AS A CHALLENGE!!!!!!! FIRST I TRIED TO WILL MYSELF TO SWEAT THROUGH MY SHIRT USING ONLY MY MIND BUT THAT DIDN'T WORK AND I JUST GOT DIZZY SO THEN I DECIDED TO STOP WASTING TIME AND SET MY CLOTHES ON FIRE!!!!!!! IT GOT REALLY HOT BUT I THINK THE FIRE BURNED OFF ALL THE SWEAT AND ALL I GOT WERE SECOND DEGREE BURNS IN MY ARM PITS!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH YOU WIN THIS ROUND PANDIANI BUT I WILL SWEAT MORE THAN YOU ONE DAY!!!!!!!!!

3. HOPE SOLO DANCING -- I HAVE THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT HOW I WOULD CUSTOMIZE MY GOALKEEPER'S KIT TOO!!!! INSTEAD OF HEELS AND A BELLY SHIRT I WOULD COVER MINE IN BEES AND WELL I WOULD PROBABLY WEAR A BELLY SHIRT TOO JUST SO HOPE AND I CAN MATCH WHEN WE DANCE ALL NIGHT AND GIGGLE!!!!!!!!!!! AND THEN AFTER THE GIGGLING WE CAN DO KARATE ON PLATE GLASS WINDOWS AND SCREAM AT OLD PEOPLE UNTIL THEY STOP BEING OLD!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH OLD PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- I HEARD THAT CORN IS THE REASON THAT OCTOBER EXISTS!!!!!!!! STAY VIGILANT!!!!!!!!!!!

5. FREAKY LEG STUFF IN FIFA 12 -- I CAN DO THAT WITH MY LEGS IN REAL LIFE!!!!!!!!! NOT IMPRESSED!!!!!!!!!

6. CARLOS TEVEZ REFUSING TO PLAY -- OHMYGOD IF HE WAS MY TEAMMATE I WOULD HAVE SLOWLY DESTROYED HIS SELF-ESTEEM THROUGH A SERIES OF BACK-HANDED COMPLIMENTS AND UNSETTLING GLANCES!!!!!!!!!! THEN I WOULD BEAT HIM WITH A NINTENDO 64 CONTROLLER UNTIL HE YELPED LIKE TOAD IN MARIO KART!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH WHY DID WARIO ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SUCH A TURDFACE?!?!????!

7. FANS CHASING THE VISITING TEAM OFF THE PITCH -- ANY FANS THAT TRY TO CHASE ME OFF THE PITCH WILL GET A MOUTH FULL OF SPIN KICKS AND AN EAR FULL OF PENCILS!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I HATE CORN SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!

8. DAVID DE GEA STEALING A DOUGHNUT -- RULE NUMBER ONE OF GOALKEEPING IS THAT YOU DON'T STEAL DOUGHNUTS!!!!!!!!!! IT'S WRONG!!!!!!!!! IF YOU'RE GOING TO STEAL ANYTHING YOU STEAL SOMETHING IMPORTANT LIKE NAPKINS!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH NAPKINS!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWKSI -- SO I WAS MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS AND PUNCHING MANNEQUINS IN THE FACE LAST FRIDAY WHEN MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI SHOWED UP!!!!!!!!! HE SAID THE SHOP CALLED HIM AND TOLD HIM TO COME DOWN AND STOP ME FROM PUNCHING THEIR MANNEQUINS AGAIN EVEN THOUGH I ALWAYS PAY FOR THE DAMAGE SO BACK OFF!!!!!!!!! HE ASKED ME IF I WOULD PLEASE STOP SO I SAID "THANK YOU FOR ASKING SO NICELY!!!!! OF COURSE I WILL!!!!!!" EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I WISHED THOSE MANNEQUINS WERE ALL DAN WYKOWSKI VOODOO DOLLS AND MY LIGHTNING FAST KNUCKLE EXPLOSIONS WERE VENEREAL DISEASES ATTACK! ING HIS IMMUNE SYSTEM!!!!!!!!!!! ANYWAY I WENT OVER TO HIS HOUSE AFTER THAT AND DID SOME BAKING WITH HIS GOOBER KIDS SO THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T DO A RAGE LIST!!!!!!!!! IF YOU COMPLAIN I WILL PUT FIRE ANTS IN YOUR SPINAL CORD!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE DAN'S BAKING SHEETS ALL GOT DOUGH STUCK TO THEM SO IT TAKES FOREVER TO SCRUB IT OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

Photo: Getty