DT Exclusive: Steven Gerrards plan to fix Liverpool

Following a 4-0 loss to Spurs, Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard is set to return from his long injury layoff at a time when the club needs a spark. And he could be it. The following is a transcript of Gerrard's most recent planning session with Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish.

Dalglish: Steven, how are you feeling?

Gerrard: Great. I feel like Batman, but if Batman had a super strong groin that could rip a dictionary in half and teach disabled people to read Chinese.

Dalglish: That's, uh, that's good, Steven. Because we could really use you back on the pitch.

Gerrard: I know. I was just talking to Stewart Downing because I'm a nice guy and I don't want people to feel lonely. And he was like, "Oh, Steven Gerrard, we really need you back because your hair is combed so perfect and you're the best captain ever who doesn't have a boat." And I was like, "Actually I do have a boat and it's name is the Xabi Titanic." And he was like "..." and I was like "..."

Dalglish: I don't see what that has to do with anything, but it's nice that you're keeping up with the others. Do you think you're ready to play again?

Gerrard: I was actually just thinking that I was, so stop reading my thoughts because that's just creepy.

Dalglish: I really wasn't! -

Gerrard: Anyway, I was making sandwiches with my nephew who's five years old but already listening to Phil Collins on a mature level. And he was like, "Oh, Steven Gerrard, you make the best ham sandwiches in the world and I think you're definitely ready to play again." And I was like, "I know that, Randy. I could definitely win the Carling Cup in my first game back." And he was like, "I don't think that's possible!" and I was like "..." and he was like "..."

Dalglish: Well, no, that's not possible. I do appreciate your enthusiasm, though. Wait, your nephew calls you "Steven Gerrard"?

Gerrard: Yeah, he used to call me Fernando Torres, but I asked him not to do that anymore.

Dalglish: I see.

Gerrard: So enough with the chit-chat, the reason you wanted to talk to me is because I have so many ideas about how to turn our season around and who is going to win all the reality TV shows.

Dalglish: I don't, uh- you just wandered into my office so I felt I had to say something. I would like to hear your ideas, now that you mention it. What are they?

Gerrard: Step one is to have everyone watch me make a ham sandwich because that's a valuable life skill. Step two is to make jokes about how many midfielders we have then ignore the ones aren't as good as me and step three is to get me a cupcake. So where's my cupcake?

Dalglish: ...

Gerrard: ...

Dalglish: You want a cupcake right now?

Gerrard: Yes.

Dalglish: I'm sure we can find someone who can get you one.

Gerrard: Yes!

Photo: Reuters