Random musings of footballers before they fall asleep

Wayne Rooney

Ah squinting really hard isn't helping me stay awake. ... Meat. ... Is that Mark Zuckerberg standing in the tunnel there? I have to tell him that I've been playing Facebook for years now and I still haven't won yet. ... Meat. ... I'm starting to regret using my own hair for my transplant instead of wolf hair. That would've been so dench. ... Meat. ... The squinting is starting to give me a headache now. ... Meat. ... When I get home I'm going to teach Kai how to jump a computer with a dirt bike so you can get to level 27 on the Facebook game...

Gerard Pique

Oh, I'm bleeding again and I don't know where it's coming from. ... This is bad. ... Feeling faint. ... Need the man who's about to get a liver transplant to carry me. ... Someone tell Shakira I love her. ... And tell Zlatan I forgive him. ... Everything is getting so bright. ... I feel like I'm outside on a glorious sunny day. Next to a pool. ... I can see Messi and -- and he's laugh. He's assembling a Lego Forbidden Forest and he's laughing. ... Waka waka eh eh. ... Waka waka eh eh. ... This time ... this time for Africa...

Klaas-Jan Huntelaar

THIS DOES NOT FEEL SAFE

Pele

Gather around, children. It's time for a Pele bedtime story. ... This one is called "Lionel Messi: The Worst Little Footballer." ... Once upon a time there was a footballer called Lionel Messi and people wouldn't shut up about him. ... They kept annoying me, Pele, with questions about this dingus even though he is A) not as good as me, Pele, and B) 100 percent l! ess Braz ilian. ... So one day, me, Pele, went to Messi's house and had a bear eat him like a Tic Tac. ... Maradona cried and then me and Neymar decided that Europe is full of diseased penguins and everyone lived happily ever after. Especially me, Pele, and definitely not Messi the dingus. ... The end. Pele!