Soccer Sorcery

David Gill Fans labelled as "anti-people" by Manchester United chief executive David Gill have launched a furious defence of their opposition to the Glazer family's ownership of the club. Although Gill claimed the vast majority of United fans worldwide were supportive of the club's controversial American owners, he accepted there were some who would never change their view. Among those are the Manchester United Supporters' Trust (MUST), who have campaigned against the Glazer family once it became obvious father Malcolm was intent on buying the Reds with borrowed money. Such leveraged takeovers were among the issues criticised by the Department of Culture, Media and Sport select committee, when it released the findings of an exhaustive analysis of the English game last week that called for reform at the Football Association and stricter regulations on club ownership. MUST chairman Duncan Drasdo believes if Gill thinks their argument is purely about...

German sports magazine 11 Freunde decided to go with a Star Wars theme for their Bundesliga preview issue and the cover of it is something wonderful. Featuring Borussia Dortmund manager Juergen Klopp as Luke Skywalker, Raul as Han Solo, Wolfsburg manager Felix Magath as Darth Vader, HSV manager Michael Oenning as Chewbacca, the constantly broken Arjen Robben as C-3PO, Marko Marin as R2-D2 and, most unsettling of all, a smiling Mario Gomez as Princess Leia. I can't quite put my finger on why, but Gomez as Leia makes total sense. And it's only a matter of time before he actually starts wearing his hair like that. Thanks to @nijusaroan for the spot!

Losing a trophy (albeit a meaningless one) you've won three of the previous four years and getting booed by your home fans is not the most desirable way to start a new season, but we're talking about Arsenal and this is what happens to them these days. The New York Red Bulls , led by one of Arsenal's own legends in Thierry Henry, lifted the cup after a 1-1 draw against their hosts on a rare trip to Europe for an MLS side. They won on points (four from two matches) with PSG finishing second, Arsenal third and Boca Juniors fourth. Of course, with differences in schedules, the Red Bulls were in midseason form while the likes of Arsenal are still gaining fitness. And just in case you're starting to think this tournament was anymore than a tiny step about complete farce, after the match Henry expressed his disgust in the "stupid rules" cited by the referee when he and Arsene Wenger asked if he could play the final minutes of the match for Arsenal. Highlights, inc...

So much is made of Fernando Torres' inability to score during his stretches without goals that when he does finally score -- even if it's in a game of FIFA 11 on the easiest difficulty setting -- it must be a monumental event. On that basis, here is Fernando's second goal of the preseason and third in a Chelsea shirt. It came in Chelsea's 2-0 win over Aston Villa in the Asia Trophy final to give the club their first silverware of the year and something Andre Villas-Boas can write "Champions League Trophy" on later in the season and present to Roman Abramovich if things get hairy. Now, you might challenge the YouTuber's assessment of this as a "brilliant goal" from Torres, but remember -- Fernando doesn't do this too often, so any goal from him is a brilliant goal. Even if it's in a game of FIFA 11 on the easiest difficulty setting.

The time has come, once again . The readers of Andrei Arshavin's official website continue to ask him questions and we continue to document it for purely scientific purposes. So put on your lab coat and let's get back in it. 3. deni9403 Hi Andrey! I have started studying English not long ago and I would like to ask you what methods you use when learning English? Thanks in advance. AA: In school and at the institute our English program was a standard one, developed by the Ministry of Education. In Zenit we had a teacher. His name was Mark. He had his own interesting methods of teaching language. But, well, when I came to London, I realized that I should communicate with people more, listen and memorize, read in English and watch local TV. Although, frankly, I'm not quite happy with my knowledge of English and want to study it more seriously. Not long ago we went to the premiere of Harry Potter and at some point I felt quite uncomfortable when the audience...

In a video that is perhaps even more appropriate now than it was when it was filmed, this is a young Juergen Klinsmann -- the new manager of the U.S. national team -- singing about making it "all the way in America" with his German teammates and the Village People(!) ahead of the 1994 World Cup. Klinsy's close-up comes around the 50 second mark and he makes the most of it by singing along and bobbing his blonde locks like he has the neck strength of a newborn. Though this uplifting tune only propelled the Germans to a quarterfinal loss to Bulgaria that year, it's true purpose is only just being realized now, 17 years later. This will be the anthem of Klinsmann's reign. Let's go! All right! Thanks to @rogbennett for the spot!

Juergen Klinsmann is officially the new manager of the U.S. national team . With him comes the promise of radical new ideas and an attacking style of play, but exactly how he will transform the team (or not) remains a mystery. Here's one aspect of the game from the 1990 World Cup final that Klinsmann clearly mastered. When Argentina's Pedro Monzon went in with a studs-up challenge, Klinsmann sold the drama of the moment with an epic leap followed by a fish out of water flop. With Klinsmann lying face down, the referee quickly showed Monzon a red card for his poor challenge and West Germany would go on the win 1-0 thanks to an 85th minute penalty. This kind of thing might come in handy during Klinsmann's first match in charge of the U.S. team, which will be a friendly against Mexico on Aug. 10. Here's something else he might be able to teach them, too...

The same day Kun Aguero officially became a Manchester City player, his old club, Atletico Madrid hosted a Europa League qualifier against Stromgodset. So, the fans Aguero left because he prefers colder weather took the opportunity to hang a farewell banner at the Vicente Calderon that read "die Kun traitor." How sweet. Even without the player they swapped for 35 million, Atletico still won 2-1 and over in Manchester, Sergio had a big smile on his face and a new shirt on his back. Photo: Marca

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-winning Dirty Tackle... Barcelona attempt to train near the White House, park ranger quickly shuts them down. [ KCKRS ] Boot that are apparently good enough to bear the name of Johann Cruyff. [ TBG ] Spain has had enough of Pique and Shakira. [ Kickette ] Hulk's agent just might be lying. A lot. [ The Offside ] Man United's tour of the U.S. was meaningful only in that it made them money. Obviously. [ WSC ] The dangers of a European Super League. [ twohundredpercent ] The Bojan brain twister. [ Back Page Football ] The first question of Kun Aguero's first official interview for Man City's website is about Man United. [ MCFC ]

Following an embarrassing loss to Mexico in the Gold Cup final and five frustrating years with just enough to success to keep his job as long as he did, Bob Bradley has officially been sacked as coach of the U.S. national team. And in case your teary eyes are deceiving you, here's the announcement from the USSF's official website : "We want to thank Bob Bradley for his service and dedication to U.S. Soccer during the past five years," said Gulati. "During his time as the head coach of our Men's National Team he led the team to a number of accomplishments, but we felt now was the right time for us to make a change. It is always hard to make these decisions, especially when it involves someone we respect as much as Bob. We wish him the best in his future endeavors." This announcement comes after a meeting at The Home Depot Center in Carson, Calif., between Gulati, Bradley and U.S. Soccer CEO Dan Flynn. [...] U.S. Soccer will have a further announcem...

They've done it. Tottenham have successfully cloned prized possession Gareth Bale and are well on their way to creating a their dream team comprised solely of Bales and Luka Modrics. And if that isn't true, then it seems they have resorted to signing lookalikes in the hope that they will also be playalikes. That's actually first year academy player Kenneth McEvoy pictured above, or "Baby Bale" as I imagine Harry Redknapp calls him. This has to be the most successful of Spurs' cloning efforts, though. The abominations that were the Peter Crouch clones all had to be put down. Photo: TottenhamHotspur.com via BJ O.

Arjen Robben Not again. ... There's no way I can be hurt again. ... Ah! I just tried to wiggle my toes and now I think they're all broken. Normal people don't break their toes by wiggling them. ... Maybe it's time to start playing inside a bubble. Maybe that will save my career. ... I can see the headlines now: "Arjen the Bubble Boy scores World Cup winner with his protective bubble." ... Yeah. That will be grand. ... The good news at least is that the hospital said they would throw me a little party with cake for my one millionth visit. ... Cake is good... Nani SCREW YOU GRAVITY Fidel Castro Ugh, what is he talking about? ... Didn't he get the memo that we were all going to wear tracksuits today? Instead he wears jean shorts. No class. ... Did he just say he wants to start his own country called "Diegoland"? What is going on? ... Good, Chavez looks lost too. ... I'm too old for this junk. Maybe if I just go to sleep he'll get the hint. ....

Brazilian football at its most Brazilian was on display when Ronaldinho's Flamengo beat Neymar's Santos 5-4 (it could've been 5-5 if Elano didn't have a weak penalty kick saved) on Wednesday night. Though Ronaldinho scored three goals to Neymar's two, it was the 19-year-old Real Madrid target who provided the most dazzling goal of the night to put Santos up 3-0 in the 25th minute. Flamengo simply couldn't take the ball off of him as he dominated their attempt at defense, weaving through opponents, then passing it off to a teammate so he could sprint towards the box, get the ball right back, pass it around an opponent to himself, then just barely chip a shot over the keeper as he finally loses his balance with two more defenders converging on him. And all while his fauxhawk was uncharacteristically flat. Not one to be shown up, Ronaldinho scored just two minutes later to begin Flamengo's comeback from three goals down to win the match. Still, this highlight j...

I didn't know the Sergio Busquests School of the Dramatic Arts took match officials, but this linesman from the MLS All-Star Sacrifice to Manchester United is clearly a graduate. Desperate to avoid a ball coming his way early into what would be a 4-0 win for Man United, the linesman hurled himself to the ground in a failed attempt to get out of the way. Patrice Evra got a chuckle out of it, as did the linesman. And somewhere, Sian Massey scoffed and called him a wuss.

For the second straight year, Manchester United faced the MLS All-Stars and for the second straight year, they made easy work of the hastily assembled squad. With Man United already up 2-0, our dear friend Dimitar Berbatov showed off some of his effortless yet oddly sticky brilliance by chasing down a ball and chipping it over Houston Dynamo keeper Tally Hall. Instead of nestling inside the goal, however, the ball bounced off the crossbar. But The Continental is never one to be denied, so he displayed some of his trademark persistence, chested the ball up and volleyed it into the net from point-blank range. "I always tend to think my goal are beautiful," says Dimitar . And I'm sure the Berba-babes will all agree. Ha-HA!

Eccentric/insane Napoli owner Aurelio De Laurentiis stormed out of the televised Serie A fixture draw for the 2011/12 season, upset that his club's first season back in the Champions League won't be as easy as he had hoped. The move producer who took the club from bankruptcy in Serie C to a third place finish in Serie A last season has never been afraid to blurt out whatever he feels like and the fact that this event was broadcast on live television didn't change that. From Football Italia : The patron had hoped his team would not have difficult fixtures close to the Champions League games. After only a few fixtures had been revealed by the computer, De Laurentiis reacted very angrily. He swore at the gathered Serie A club Presidents, FIGC members and media in the Lega hall as he walked away. "It's all been mapped out against us," he blasted. "Enough is enough, I'm going back to cinema. "I'm ashamed to be Italian! I want to change citizenship...

Barcelona needed a penalty shootout to beat Internacional in the Audi Cup. Though it's only preseason, this did not please Pep Guardiola. When Internacional equalized to make it 2-2 in the second half thanks to some poor goalkeeping from Jose Pinto, Guardiola lost his cool and resorted to Arsene Wenger's signature move: The water bottle spike. Wenger did this many times last season as a way to keep from spontaneously combusting after Arsenal's many disappointments and it seems Guardiola was paying attention. The fact that Pep is doing this in preseason is a bit troubling. At this rate, he could be wearing a bubble coat and claiming temporary blindness by December.

Chelsea beat Kitchee 4-0 to reach the final of something called the Barclays Asia Trophy with goals from Frank Lampard, Didier Drogba and Daniel Sturridge. But the play of the game has to go to Yossi Benayoun, who tried to pull off an overhead shot and ended up kicking the ball directly into his own face. Now Chelsea will face Aston Villa in the preseason tournament final and Benayoun probably won't try another overhead kick for a while, mostly because he might still be unconscious. Video via 101gg

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-winning Dirty Tackle... Just a reminder that Neymar is still a kid. [ 101gg ] Umbro shows you how to turn your grill into a pitch. [ TBG ] This is what an MLS commissioner's house looks like. [ KCKRS ] Ever Banega forgets he plays for Valencia, wears Real Madrid shirt. [ The Offside ] Cristiano Ronaldo is idolized by professional baseball players too. [ 700Level ] Thierry Henry and David Beckham. Amazing picture is amazing. [ Kickette ] Uruguay's Copa win transforms the notion of "garra charrua." [ The Score ] The Bojan sale wasn't really a sale. [ Unprofessional Foul ] United States of Liverpool? [MFUSA ] Somewhere, Lionel Messi is giggling: Lego football stadiums. [ IBWM ] Grampus 8 tour southwest England to capture lucrative west country market. [ The Gaffer ]

Like Gareth Bale's performance against Inter and Barcelona's 5-0 win over Real Madrid , Wayne Rooney's overhead kick against Man City is the latest to get Richard Swarbrick's animated treatment. Unfortunately, the video is also an ad for The Sun, but don't let that completely ruin it for you. Admire the glimpses of animated Berba and the now retired Paul Scholes, as well as the generous amount of hair Swarbrick gave Rooney. If only entire matches could be broadcast this way.

Though he led the Premier League (along with Carlos Tevez) with 20 goals last season, Dimitar Berbatov is often accused of being lazy on the pitch and even lost his spot in the starting XI to Chicharito by the end of the season. But in an excellent interview with the Manchester Evening News' Simon Stone, our dear friend The Berba clears up some common misconceptions about himself while also sharing some life lessons along the way. Here are some choice excerpts, along with added commentary from... The Continental . Q: Dimitar, I have spoken to you before about your charity work. Do you have wider responsibility for Bulgarian football because you are an icon in your country? A: I am not an icon. I just try to use my status and popularity back home to do some stuff for good causes. For instance, I have my charitable Foundation, which supports talented kids. Obviously there are a lot of Foundations that support people with problems but I decided to support the talented kids beca...

Though Fernando Torres did notch his second goal in a Chelsea shirt during their first preseason match against Wycombe, he has once again gone silent on the scoring front during the Asian tour. But fear not, Chelsea fans! Speaking to the press in Hong Kong, Fernando made the bold declaration that he has not, in fact, forgotten how to score goals. From the Telegraph : "I'm 27. Don't worry I don't forget to score goals... I will score," said the World Cup-winning Spain international. "It's going to be a big season. My form is ok, it's time to be fit and ready. We're trying to get into the best form. We have got big expectations and I can see the winning mentality we have (at Chelsea)." After saying this, Torres leaned over to Kalou and whispered, "scoring a goal is when you hiccup and sneeze at the same time, right?" Photo: Getty

How has your week been, Mario? Not so good. Everyone got upset about my backheel in the match against L.A. -- the manager, the fans, everyone. But that was whatever. I also didn't have any money on me when a homeless man asked for some and I tried to save a family of geese, but one died. You saved a family of geese? How did that happen? I'd rather not -- it's still very painful. Can't we talk about the backheel? I was just trying to give the people a show and- Please Mario? Fine. Well, I left the L.A. match at halftime to blow off some steam. I sped off in a rental Maserati that was a lot like the one I have back home, except it smelled like someone I don't know. Anyway, I was driving around the city and listening to Elliott Smith because it seemed appropriate being in L.A. and because his music just really speaks to me. Right in the middle of "Speed Trials" I saw this family of geese trying to cross the street, but all the other cars ignored them. It seem...

The importance of making a good first impression on Twitter is debatable, especially if you're a professional footballer with supporters willing to follow you no matter how inane your abbreviated ramblings are. Regardless, Leicester City striker Paul Gallagher decided to immediately fulfill his promise of "banter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" with a second tweet worthy of all those exclamation points. Said Gallagher: Off to bed to smash @ HayleyGa11agher back doors in ,, It's important to note that @HayleyGa11agher is his wife, whose initial reaction ("Omg!!") was followed by regret over getting him on Twitter in the first place ("Good lord what have I done introducing him to this!"). The best part, however, is that Gallagher's mother-in-law, who is also on Twitter, apparently found his comment hilarious . So with first impressions mastered, Gallagher's next challenge will be figuring out that punctuation business.

Arsene Wenger loses his balance while contemplating what it would cost to sign a top goalkeeper. Arsenal fans wondering why Arsene Wenger has been so reluctant to spend money made available to him during transfer windows may finally have their answer. The gaffer apparently suffers from a crippling case of transfer vertigo. From the Independent : "When you see all the fees around you become dizzy. We do what we want and we look first at the quality of the player and after if we have the money we spend it," Wenger told www.arsenal.com. Though he seems to be working through his condition, signing Gervinho with the help of Arsenal's board and encouragement of the club's supporters, there is no known cure for transfer vertigo. But hopefully one day there will be, so proud men like Arsene don't have to suffer such torture. Photo: Getty

Alex Morgan's awesome finishing did not stop with the end of the Women's World Cup. In fact, it seems to have only gotten more ridiculous. Coming off the bench to play the second half in the Western New York Flash's match against Boston, Morgan came up with an amazing equalizer in the 87th minute to earn a 2-2 draw. Despite her opponents' eye-stinging neon pink kits and a field lined for about 18 different sports, Alex pulled off a spinning shot with her back to the keeper and using the outside of her foot that pinged off the bottom of the crossbar and in the goal. Madness. While this goal and the positive reaction it has received surely made Mario Balotelli jealous, it probably also sparked 40 more marriage proposals for Morgan.

Well hello there. I see you've caught me wearing sunglasses while reading erotic nonfiction as I jet around the United States on Manchester United's Berba-bang tour. Will you be my personal air hostess for this flight? ... Well, if you change your mind, I could use a new water bottle filled of chloroform. Ha-HA! I'm joking with you. The Berba doesn't need erotic enhancers like that. Simply reading a magazine while wearing sunglasses inside a plane is always enough to get the Berba-babes like yourself in the mood for sensual oddities... No, I can't see what I'm reading. But that's not important, because I usually just make up the words to whatever I'm reading anyway. For example, it says right here that Sir Alex Ferguson once fainted after thinking about incomparable and highly benchable goal scoring talents. It also says that you will join me in the plane's bathroom so we can tell secrets and tickle each other's toenails. ... Please stop accusing...

The violent hatred between Egypt and Algeria apparently hasn't simmered down since their vicious 2010 World Cup qualifiers against each other. Right after Algeria beat Egypt 1-0 to win their sixth gold medal at the Military Games in Brazil, Egypt's Ahmed Eid, who is notorious for his bad temper, decided to interrupt his complaints to the officials by running over to a nearby Algerian player and kung fu kicking him square in the back. Others got involved after that and a shirtless Algerian player turned into Jean Claude Van Damme, kicking everyone in sight (worst at 23 seconds into the video). Maybe it would be best if these two teams didn't play each again other for a while. Video via 101gg

Man City goalkeeper Joe Hart has apparently been playing a lot of Street Fighter while holed up in hotel rooms around North America because after blasting in the winning penalty to finish off the shootout that followed his side's World Football Challenge match against the L.A. Galaxy , he celebrated with a Hadouken (pictured above). Sadly, he did not produce a visible ball of energy that shoots out of his hands like in the video game. He did the special attack move several other times during the match, so this must be something he's trying to make his trademark move. And since we're all about making dreams come true here at DT, we've slapped together an image to help Joe realize his... Top photo: AP

It's been a quiet preseason for Mario Balotelli. He hasn't fought any bibs, saved any children from bullying or thrown darts at youth team players in a while, so you could say he was overdue for a controversial moment. And in Man City's friendly against the L.A. Galaxy , the world's most entertaining footballer delivered with a hilariously poor attempt to score with a spinning backheel after getting past the Galaxy defenders. Infuriated by Balotelli goofing around in a friendly, Roberto Mancini immediately subbed him off even though it was just the 32nd minute and Balotelli had scored with a penalty earlier to put City up 1-0. According to the Guardian's Daniel Taylor , Balotelli did not come out with the team for the second half and stayed in the dressing room. Clearly, Mario is already in midseason form. And the world is still a more interesting place with him a part of it.

Arsenal just signed 19-year-old defender Carl Jenkinson last month and in just his third appearance for the club, already has a memory with the club that he would like to forget. Just before halftime in a friendly against Cologne, Jenkinson attempted to clear a long Cologne pass from the halfway line over his own goal. Instead, his looping volley went over the head of Arsenal goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny but under the crossbar to put Cologne on the scoreboard. Jenkinson was understandably upset over it, but it was just a friendly and Arsenal went on to win 2-1, so aside from a little confidence lost it really didn't matter much. As 101 Great Goals points out, this wasn't even the prettiest own goal scored by an Arsenal player. That distinction remains with club legend Lee Dixon, who had a bit more time on the ball before putting his rainbow show into his own goal against Coventry in 1991. Have a look... So don't feel too bad about this, Carl. There's worse company to ...

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK: 1. EXERCISE -- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I THINK MY SPINE IS SNAPPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2. NORTH KOREANS BLAMING POSITIVE DRUG TESTS ON LIGHTNING STRIKE TREATMENT -- I HAVE NEVER HAD STEROIDS SNEAK INTO MY MUSK DEER GLANDS!!!!!!!!!! NEVER!!!!!!!!!!! I DIDN'T KNOW MUSK DEER GLANDS COULD HELP LIGHTNING STRIKE INJURIES THOUGH!!!!!!!!!! I JUST LIKE THE WAY THEY TASTE!!!!!! I MIGHT HAVE TO TRY THAT THE NEXT TIME I GET STRUCK BY LIGHTNING!!!!!!!! WHICH WILL HAPPEN ON TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 3. THE BACKHEEL PENALTY KICK -- THIS IS AN ABOMINATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF ANYONE EVER SCORED ON ME WITH A BACKHEEL PENALTY KICK I WOULD MAKE THEIR BACKHEEL THEIR FRONTHEEL AND PUNCH THEIR FACE WITH A CARBURETOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4. CORN -- THERE IS A NEW PLANET OF THE APES MOVIE COMING OUT ABOUT HOW THEY GAIN POWER AND DOMINATE HUMANITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS TOTALLY IRRESPONSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!...

FIFA 11 glitches are often amusing, but this one is both amusing and something I wish would happen in real life. When the ball gets stuck between a writhing player's legs, both an opponent and one of the injured player's own teammates decide to repeatedly jump over him like some kind of circus act. If done in real life, this could be the way that we finally shame divers and fakers out of the game.

Though this series only sometimes veers into the pornographic, it seems fitting that we've reached the XX milestone. Mostly because the thoughts that go through the minds of the people who ask Andrei/ey Arshavin questions on his official website are not safe for life. But that's what makes this all so special. Let's get back in it. 1. From fedotov Hi Andrey! You're my favorite player since 2006, I'm 13 now so I've been supporting you since I was 8 years old, I'm from Kemerovo :) How long are planning to play professional football? I've been at your football match against Valuev, thanks for coming to Kemerovo and my last question: are you are registered on the social networking site Vkontakte?? AA: You asked me the questions I'd answered before but since you are from Kemerovo :) I'll answer. 1. Till I'm 35 2. In the social networks my name is used by crooks. You can pass them this. Crooks! Hear that @Andrei_Arshavin? You are a c...

While Real Madrid were training at UCLA, Will Ferrell (who is a Chelsea fan) stopped by with his kids to meet the team, say a few words to Jose Mourinho and get a shirt signed by Iker Casillas. Unfortunately, Real's official website had the one guy who apparently doesn't know who he is do the write-up about it. So, we have the headline you see above. Will Ferrer. In the posting below the picture , they are able to accurately identify him as an actor, but he's called "Will Ferrer" a second time. Then again, maybe Will Ferrell decided to incorporate Iker's name into his own after meeting the goalkeeper. Such is the emotional power of San Iker. Thanks to @tblewitt for the spot!

It seems that trying (and failing) to prevent tabloids from reporting your affairs with topless models and your own sister-in-law has a more positive influence on shirt sales than forgetting how to score goals. As (indirect) evidence of this, the annual list of the top 10 Premier League replica shirt names has been released and Ryan Giggs is on it for the first time in the four seasons the list has been published, while Fernando Torres has dropped from the top spot for the first time since 2007/08. Here's the full top 10 for 2010/11 (via Sporting Intelligence ): 1. Wayne Rooney (up 2 spots from previous season) 2. Fernando Torres (-1) 3. Steven Gerard (-1) 4. Chicharito (new entry) 5. Robin van Persie (re-entry, No. 7 in 2007/08) 6. Frank Lampard (unchanged) 7. Didier Drogba (unchanged) 8. Luis Suarez (new entry) 9. Andrei Arshavin (-4) 10. Ryan Giggs (new entry) Rooney actually gets a sales boost from inciting the wrath of Man United fans by demanding a transfer away from the club...

Is a Peruvian prison inmate dressed as the Copa America mascot more terrifying than the actual Copa America mascot ? I'm voting no. Anyway, this prisoner wasn't forced to wear the costume as some kind of cruel and unusual punishment. It was for the Castro-Castro prison's mock Copa America tournament, which included 250 inmates and was run by Peru's prison authority to "help prepare inmates for life on the outside." As football tournament mascots. So who won the tournament? The team representing Peru. Of course. Photos: Reuters

It seems Cristiano Ronaldo has been watching his Vladimir Putin judo instructional videos over the offseason because he put those moves to use against Chivas on Wednesday night. Getting a little frustrated, Ronaldo took Patricio Araujo down with authority, earning a yellow card in the process (see the judo comparison at the end of the clip to check his form). Of course, shortly after that Ronaldo scored a hat trick in a span of nine minutes to give Real Madrid a 3-0 win. And he did it with his collar popped. Video via 101gg

Paraguay are now in the Copa America final for the first time since they last won in 1979. Three of their five matches have ended 0-0 and they haven't won a single game outside of a penalty shootout. So it's really quite fitting that they reached the final with a 0-0 match against Venezuela that they won 5-3 on penalties. Even if it is also incredibly boring. Which it was. Perhaps to remind themselves that they were all still alive, the two sides engaged in an ugly brawl after the match. It was the kind of thing you never want to see, but after a game like that it was kind of nice just to see something. So now the 2011 Copa America final is set and it is a battle of the -guays -- Uruguay v Paraguay. The winners will not only be champions of South America, they will also get to rename their country "Totalguay." The losers will be forced to name themselves the first word out of Larissa Riquelme's mouth that isn't "Paraguay" or "naked."

American defender Oguchi Onyewu made his debut for Sporting CP recently, entering the match at the same time as 24-year-old midfielder Andre Martins. At 6'5", Onyewu is a full foot taller than Martins, which makes this look like a before and after shot of a young Bruce Banner Hulking up to play football. It's unclear whether Sporting put them in at the same time in order to have them join together (i.e. have Martins sit on Onyewu's shoulders) in order to form a SuperFootballer (sponsored by Super Bock!). I'm guess that's the ultimate goal. Thanks to Andre (not Andre Martins) for the picture!

(Skip ahead to 2:48 into the video for the taxi shootout.) As part of the returning U.S. women's team New York media whirlwind, striker Abby Wambach and goalkeeper Hope Solo went on The Show Show with David Letterman for an interview and a delightful new a game. Outside the Ed Sullivan Theater, the two footballers joined Dave to see who could kick a ball into the open door of moving New York City taxi cabs. After telling Dave that, as a keeper, she "doesn't ever shoot," and having Dave respond by asking, "do you have any kind of a shot?" Solo reacted strongly, saying "Yes, I have a shot!" And she was intent on proving it. So the players and the late night host all took their shots at the same time as each cab drove by. On the fourth go of blasting balls off the side off a cab, it was the keeper (and not the striker) who hit the target and actually got one inside. Of course, Wambach probably would have hit it on the first try if she was heading the ...

With the collapse of his 40 million return to Corinthians and the possibility of being forced to remain with Manchester City, Carlos Tevez has sensationally announced that he never wanted to leave the club in the first place. "It was all a misunderstanding. I love Manchester," he told reporters at a press conference near his home in Argentina, forcing a smile and laughing awkwardly. Despite compromises made by Man City, Corinthians were unable to shatter their current transfer record of 9.4 million from when they first signed Tevez in 2004 to reacquire the Argentine striker. Since no other firm have been made, Tevez now faces another season in the city he has disparaged in the recent months. When asked about the time he said Manchester "has nothing," Tevez replied: "I didn't say that. It was a demon who lives inside my mouth who said that. But he's gone now, so let's not talk about him. I love Manchester. Parts of it. Well, there's a KFC there t...

Already down 2-0 after Luis Suarez scored twice in five minutes in the Copa America semifinal, Peru's Juan Manuel Vargas expressed his frustration in the form of an elbow to Uruguay defender Sebastian Coates' face. That earned Vargas a straight red card and get him sent off in the 68th minute, seriously damaging Peru's chances of a comeback. And Coates' chances of smelling anything for the next for hours. Uruguay held their 2-0 lead until the end, sealing their spot in the final and a chance at winning the tournament for a record 15th time (Brazil only has eight wins).

Since returning to the States, U.S. women's team haven't had much time to feel down about losing the World Cup final to Japan on penalties. For example, Hope Solo and Alex Morgan, the two members of the team most likely to appear on Entourage, were at the show's final season premiere in New York on Tuesday and...yeah, that's about it. Here are a couple more pictures... But the benefits of finally get the country to recognize their hard work and talents extend beyond getting to rub elbows with Turtle and Matt Dillon's brother. Solo and Abby Wambach also appeared on The Late Show with David Letterman ( video here ) and Wambach's homecoming match in WPS is expected to have the second highest attendance in the league's brief history. The sleep deprivation is starting to catch up with them, though, as evidenced by Morgan and Solo's attempt to introduce an ESPN ! program. They just weren't sure which it was. In their defense, all those show are pretty ...

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-winning Dirty Tackle... When not subjected to racist abuse, Roberto Carlos seems to be having a pretty fun time in Russia. [ 101gg ] Davey Becks' special pink boots. [ TBG ] Chinese Arsenal fans really don't like Barcelona. [ KCKRS ] Sky Sports apologize to John Terry for making up quotes attributed to him regarding Luka Modric. [ Sky Sports ] Birmingham's newest director is 18 years old and named after Ryan Giggs. [ Telegraph ] When the Women's World Cup buries sportswriters in a black hole of questions. [ Unprofessional Foul ] Andrea Dossena: Destiny fulfilled. [ Surreal Football ] Gareth Southgate reveals his phone was hacked by Shoot! in aftermath of Euro '96. [ The Gaffer ] The best intentions of the Women's World Cup quickly go out the window. [ Studs Up ]

Tottenham clearly have a wicked sense of humor because their response to his very public accusations of broken promises and very unwelcome plea for the club to sell him to Chelsea was to give him the captain's armband for their friendly against South African champions Orlando Pirates . Slapping the armband on him (I imagine this caused his to wail like a toddler getting a shot at the doctor's office) shows that they're serious about not wanting to sell him. Or that they don't want Arsenal to be the only North London club that gets attention for begrudgingly selling their captain this summer. Photo: Getty

With Real Madrid in the U.S. for their preseason tour, Spanish TV channel Cuatro sent their cameras out to the States to track the movements of the team out in the wild. Naturally, the cameras zeroed in on Cristiano Ronaldo and they ended up with a piece all about him watching an attractive blonde woman who happened to be in his field of vision. This is basically what would happen if Mtv produced nature documentaries. It starts out with Ronaldo first spotting her (even with the distraction of music pumping through his earbuds). He watches the woman from a distance with sidekick Marcelo. He stares at her, probably thinking about his devotion to swimsuit model girlfriend Irina Shayk. Jose Mourinho eventually joins Ronaldo to scope her out, too, covering his mouth like a mafioso trying to hide from government lip readers, then busting up with laughter before walking away. And then the tale of Ronaldo looking at a woman comes to an abrupt end. This video has well over 100,00 views on YouTu...

Cesc Fabregas still has not been sold to Barcelona as Arsenal wait for the Spanish champions to meet the 40 million price tag. So while members of Barca continue to publicly discuss Cesc, his supposed suffering and their desire to "fight" for him , they are also plotting how they can free him from the clutches of Arsene Wenger. The following is a transcript of one such strategy session. Guardiola: Cesc is suffering. We all know this. So how can we help him? Xavi: We can have Cesc's hometown mayor say that Wenger is a terrorist and that he will soon cut off Cesc's fingers! Guardiola: Good. I like that. Andres, do you have an idea? Iniesta: We could pay what Arsenal want for him? Guardiola: No. That's too easy. Stupid idea, Andres. Anyone else? Pique? How can we save Cesc? Pique: Who? Guardiola: Cesc Fabregas. Pique: Who's that? Guardiola: Arsenal's captain. You know -- he plays for Spain. Pique: He plays for Spain? Guardiola: Well, he comes off t...

Before Brazil started blasting penalty kicks at everything but the goal in their Copa America quarterfinal loss to Paraguay, there was a scuffle in extra time time involving the better part of both sides. As the players pushed and shoved each other, the referee blew his whistle and made a move to get to the center of the human mass to break up up. But then he decided he wasn't going to do that, took a step back and just watched the show. Once everyone walked away, the ref handed out red cards to Paraguay's Antolin Alcaraz and Brazi's Lucas and after the match, he had the two of them act out a blow-by-blow recreation of the fight scene from They Live behind the stadium for his own enjoyment.

After numerous suspensions for nightclub brawls and other indiscretions at both Werder Bremen and the Austrian national team, Marko Arnautovic says he wants to change his ways. "Much was written about me last season. I provided the stories. That was clearly my fault and I want to change my behaviour," Arnautovic told Kicker magazine . So Marko is going to lay low, settle down and find a nice lady to spend his time with. A woman good taste in music and strong family values. Hahaha just kidding -- he told Austrian magazine Seitenblicke what he really wants (via Bild ): "You must be tattooed. And have black hair and silicone breasts." This honest description of the sum total of what footballers look for in a partner of course made headlines and Arnautovic decided he didn't want a part of it. So he released this statement on his official website: "In recent days, several German newspapers articles from Austria spread quotes which are falsehoods about Marko A...

If clattering your new manager in preseason training is a good way to endear yourself to him then Man City's 20-year-old defender Stefan Savic is off to a great start. Ahead of Monday night's 2-1 win over Vancouver, Roberto Mancini was playing alongside his team in training when Savic took him out with a tough challenge. From the Telegraph : Mancini received no sympathy from any of his sometimes rebellious players, though, with Joe Hart declaring: "It was awesome, I was watching it. Brilliant. The gaffer was training and Stefan properly did him. I think that's a statement of intent. The gaffer took it well, I think he'd love all that. "Everyone had a laugh about it, I was roaring with laughter. I liked it. You train as you want to play." "If the boss wants to get involved in training I think he should realise he will get the treatment off the players. Mancini reportedly limped away from the tackle and had to ice his ankle, most...

Do you like to place bets on transfer rumors and believe that Wesley Sneijder will move to Manchester United? Well, Dejan Stankovic has a wager for you. From Football Italia : Reports continue to link the Dutchman with a 39m transfer to Old Trafford despite both clubs denying these stories. "I bet you a pizza and a beer that Wes is staying with Inter," grinned teammate Stankovic. "In a couple of days, you'll see that he takes the microphone himself and declares he is 100 per cent sticking with us." A pizza AND a beer?! Stankovic is really putting it all on the line here. Either Stankovic has some insider information about his teammate's plans or this is just his sneaky way of getting you to go on a pizza date with him. Photo: AP

Well hello there. I see you've caught me talking to a local news station in America under the alias for my secret seduction identity, "Dimi Berbaton." Yes, my summer holiday spent photographing nude beaches and then running away -- to stay fit -- has come to an end and now, I have begun Manchester United's preseason Berba showcase of sexy tour in the USA. I must say that it's good to be back with my teammates, even though I have forgotten all of their names. Ha-HA! Why are the words "Amber Alert" below my erotic alternate name? Well, as I understand it, these alerts are made in the United States when the public needs to know that someone exceptionally arousing is on the loose, waiting for you to find him and rub mayonnaise on his earlobes. Ha-HA! ... No, I don't know what a "swatstika" is or why the scroll beneath the alert says I have one. It also fails to mention my widow's peak, which I'm sure is melting your loins even though yo...

With Chelsea leading their preseason friendly against Portsmouth 1-0 thanks to a horrible/perfect header for an own goal from Tal Ben Haim (who did more in that moment for Chelsea than in his entire time with the club), John Terry decided to introduce his boot to Luke Varney face late in the match. Terry kept his boot face-high after an attempt to clear the ball from his own box and caught Varney square in the kisser with his studs. Though Varney would be OK, it probably wasn't a fun experience for him. Still, it was nowhere near as bad as the time Terry himself got kicked in the face and nearly swallowed his own tongue... Four years later and that's still awful to watch.

The day after Argentina were knocked out of Copa America on penalties , Fox Sports Argentina's Julian Fernandez tweeted the above picture of a "Return Diego!" banner hung at the team's training ground by fans. Apparently these fans believe that getting eliminated in the quarterfinals of the World Cup is preferable to getting eliminated in the quarterfinals of a Copa America on their own soil. Current manager Sergio Batista is not about to surrender his position, though. From the Independent : "It never went through my head to resign," Batista said. "I signed my contract five months ago, and I must keep working. The balance [of the side] was not what we'd have liked, but it takes time and hard work." ...and several more Lionel Messis.

I really hope Brazil fans didn't mock Argentina too much for getting knocked out of Copa America after a penalty shootout against Uruguay on Saturday, because on Sunday the same thing happened to their side. But worse. According to Opta, Brazil became the first team to ever miss all of their shots in a Copa America penalty shootout with their abysmal effort against Paraguay on Sunday. Paraguay only won the shootout 2-0 since Brazil missed four attempts, including Elano's moonshot to start things off. So with Colombia, Argentina and Brazil all out of the tournament in the quarterfinals, it looks like Uruguay might be thew favorites. But at this rate, who knows. Maybe it will be Peru.

Alex Morgan came off the bench for the U.S. to finally break the deadlock in the Women's World Cup final in the 70th minute after so many near misses for her side. In the euphoria of her excellent finish, a young boy in the crowd lifted up his shirt like Brandi Chastain did after winning the 1999 World Cup (11 seconds into the video). The only difference being that his version was hilarious. And he was not wearing a sports bra. Japan went on to score an equalizer in the 80th minute because of a terrible bit of defending from the U.S., sending the match to extra time.