DT Exclusive: Barcelona plot to free Cesc, part 3,412

Cesc Fabregas still has not been sold to Barcelona as Arsenal wait for the Spanish champions to meet the 40 million price tag. So while members of Barca continue to publicly discuss Cesc, his supposed suffering and their desire to "fight" for him, they are also plotting how they can free him from the clutches of Arsene Wenger. The following is a transcript of one such strategy session.

Guardiola: Cesc is suffering. We all know this. So how can we help him?

Xavi: We can have Cesc's hometown mayor say that Wenger is a terrorist and that he will soon cut off Cesc's fingers!

Guardiola: Good. I like that. Andres, do you have an idea?

Iniesta: We could pay what Arsenal want for him?

Guardiola: No. That's too easy. Stupid idea, Andres. Anyone else? Pique? How can we save Cesc?

Pique: Who?

Guardiola: Cesc Fabregas.

Pique: Who's that?

Guardiola: Arsenal's captain. You know -- he plays for Spain.

Pique: He plays for Spain?

Guardiola: Well, he comes off the bench for Spain.

Pique: Oh. So why do we want him again?

Xavi: Because this is his home and he is suffering!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pedro: Maybe Gerard can get Shakira to hypnotize Wenger with her truth hips!

Pique: Wait, are you guys sure you aren't talking about Fernando Llorente?

Guardiola: Yes.

! Pique: OK, then I'm officially confused. And when I'm confused my head starts to bleed, so I'm going to walk away now.

Xavi: And I'm going to run to London! Cesc! I'm coming for you!

[Xavi runs, disappears over the horizon]

Photo: Reuters