Dimitar Berbatov isThe Continental

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me wearing sunglasses while reading erotic nonfiction as I jet around the United States on Manchester United's Berba-bang tour. Will you be my personal air hostess for this flight? ... Well, if you change your mind, I could use a new water bottle filled of chloroform. Ha-HA! I'm joking with you. The Berba doesn't need erotic enhancers like that. Simply reading a magazine while wearing sunglasses inside a plane is always enough to get the Berba-babes like yourself in the mood for sensual oddities...

No, I can't see what I'm reading. But that's not important, because I usually just make up the words to whatever I'm reading anyway. For example, it says right here that Sir Alex Ferguson once fainted after thinking about incomparable and highly benchable goal scoring talents. It also says that you will join me in the plane's bathroom so we can tell secrets and tickle each other's toenails. ... Please stop accusing me of being illiterate. I've actually been diagnosed as "selectively literate." And incurably titilating. Ha-HA!

Oh-OHHH! We hit a patch of turbulence and now my water bottle filled with chloroform has spilled all over me! Oh, this is terrible! I know I said there wasn't actually chloroform in the water bottle, but I just wanted to surprise you when I used it on myself so you could do all the sexy things you dream of doing to me while I'm unconscious! Now the presentation of my surprise has been ruined and I am quickly losing consciousness. Quick! Find a jar of mayonnaise and get to work. Just don't remove my sunglasses and be sure to tell me everything you did once I wake up.

Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of...The Continental...

Photo: Getty