The underwhelming adventures of Barry Ronaldo

I'm Ronaldo. Barry Ronaldo. Cristiano Ronaldo's identical twin brother. Since everybody always thinks I'm him, sometimes Cristiano lets me actually take his place and pretend to be him. You probably think that sounds like fun, but it's not because everything always goes wrong for me. For example, I'm pretty sure I'm starting to lose my hair and I've developed this weird thing where all my burps taste like eggs even on days where I only eat one or two of them. What is that?

Cristiano let me play in last weekend's El Clasico even though I screwed up in a few of them before. I was very confident about this match going in, but then I missed a couple of easy scoring chances and Real Madrid lost. I don't know what Cris was doing while I was playing, but he was probably with his bikini model girlfriend. I have a girlfriend, too. Her name is Shedan. She looks like if Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz was permanently on the verge of sneezing. In other words: Hot.

My brother has a new iPhone game called Heads Up with Cristiano Ronaldo. You should buy it. I never learned how to read. You should also buy my new iPhone game called Barry Ronaldo's Pictures of Shedan. It's not really a game and iTunes refuses to put it up for sale. I'm hoping to change that as soon as I get this egg burp business under control.

Photo: Getty