Artur Borucs Friday Rage List

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH --- I'M LEVITATING AND I DON'T KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. NICKLAS BENDTNER DEMANDING FREE PIZZA AND BEGGING GIRLS FOR MONEY -- YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG!!!!!!!! FIRST YOU GO TO YOUR LOCAL DOMINO'S PIZZA SHOP!!!!!!!!!!!! THEN YOU MEET SOME GIRLS!!!!!!!!!! THEN YOU INVITE THOSE GIRLS BACK TO YOUR HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEN YOU STRAIGHTEN ONE OF THE GIRLS' HAIR ALL NIGHT WHILE THE OTHER SLEEPS IN YOUR GUEST BEDROOM!!!!!!!!!!!! THEN THE SUN FINDS OUT ABOUT IT AND PUBLISHES THE STORY AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND HAS TO TELL THEM THAT THE PICTURE THEY HAVE IS ACTUALLY JUST OF YOU STRAIGHTENING YOUR SISTER'S HAIR AND THEY HAVE TO RETRACT THE STORY EVEN THOUGHT IT IS THE GREATEST STORY EVER!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH WHY DO YOU INSIST ON DISAPPOINTING ME NICKLAS BENDTNER?!?!??!!???!?!

3. (HEAVY BREATHING) -- JUST WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!!!!!! WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!!!! THAT LAST ONE WAS LONG AND NOW I HAVE TO CATCH MY BREATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH WHY CAN'T THIS TALK AND TYPE SOFTWARE UNDERSTAND MY SCREAMING!?!?!??!!?!??!

4. CORN -- BRAZILIANS ARE STEALING THE CORN!!!!!!!!!!!! BRAZILIANS ARE STEALING THE CORN!!!!!! THIS HAS TO BE SOME KIND OF CORN PRISON BREAK WHICH MEANS BRAZIL IS A PART OF THE NEW WORLD CORN ORDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEONE DEFEND US FROM GILBERTO SILVA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. GOALKEEPER BITING AN OPPONENT IN THE FACE -- WHAT KIND OF DEMON TAINT BITES ANOTHER MAN IN THE FACE?!?!??!???! I BLAME THE TWILIGHT MOVIES!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY MADE ABSTINENCE AND BITING PEOPLE SOUND LIKE A GOOD IDEA!!!!!!!!!!! WHY CAN'T CHILDREN TODAY HAVE QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT ABOUT PARTIAL BESTIALITY LIKE THE LITTLE MERMAID?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

6. TOM CRUISE TRYING TO PUT DAVID BECKHAM IN AN ACTION MOVIE -- I WANT TO DO THAT!!!!!!!!! THE ARTUR BORUC ACTION MOVIE WOULD MAKE RAMBO LOOK LIKE A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT A PACIFIST ITALIAN CHILD!!!!!!!!!!! IT WOULD BE ONE 90-MINUTE EXPLOSION BECAUSE I WOULD GET RIGHT TO THE POINT AND BLOW EVERYTHING UP IN THE FIRST SCENE WITH A VICIOUS HEADBUTT TO THE SPHINCTER OF GOAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. I'M STILL LEVITATING -- I KNEW EATING AN ENTIRE TANK OF HELIUM WAS A BAD IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT IT TASTED SO GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!

8. BALL EXPLOSION -- AHHHHHHH SOMEONE STOLE THE IDEA FOR THE SEQUEL TO MY MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SHOULD HAVE NEVER TOLD THAT BABY AT THE COFFEE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS PUNCHING A CACTUS WITH A STAPLE REMOVER IN MY JACUZZI TUB WHEN MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI JUST APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE IN MY BATHROOM DOORWAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I SAID "DAN WHY ARE YOU IN MY BATHROOM??!?!???!?!?! I BRIEFLY THOUGHT ABOUT DOING THIS NAKED!!!!!!!!!!!" HE SAID HE THOUGHT HE HEARD ME TELL HIM TO COME UP AFTER HE KNOCKED ON MY FRONT DOOR BUT THAT WAS JUST ME SCREAMING AT THE CACTUS!!!!!!!!!!!! HE SAID HE CAME OVER TO SEE WHAT I WANTED FOR CHRISTMAS BUT I TOLD HIM "I DON'T WANT ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT A GREEDY PERSON!!!!!!!!" BUT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I ! HOPE HE DOES GET ME SOMETHING ANYWAY BECAUSE I GOT HIM SOMETHING AND I DON'T WANT HIM TO FEEL BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE HE DOESN'T GET ME THE SAME PORTABLE FURNACE WRAPPED IN BARBED WIRE I GOT HIM BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLY AWKWARD!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

Photo: Getty