Artur Borucs Friday Rage List

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. APPLES -- WHY DON'T I HAVE ANY?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?

2. THAT COSTA RICAN KID -- AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I WANT TO ADOPT HIM SO WE CAN SCREAM AT EACH OTHER ALL DAY FROM POINT BLANK RANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PUYOL!!!!!!!!!! PUYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!! WE CAN ALSO PLAY YAHTZEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. BALOTELLI WEARING THE WRONG SHIRT -- SO WHAT?!!??!??!? ONE TIME I CAME OUT FOR THE SECOND HALF WEARING AN ORANGUTAN AS A SHIRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE NO IDEA HOW HE GOT ON ME OR WHAT HE DID WITH THE SHIRT I WORE IN THE FIRST HALF!!!!!!!!! HE STOPPED FOUR SHOTS FOR ME THAT DAY AND HE ALSO BIT A SQUIRREL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HIS NAME WAS HERMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LAST I HEARD HE WAS DEVELOPING IPHONE APPS FOR DEAF KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH I MISS YOU HERMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- I WAS LEISURELY SPRINTING DOWN THE STREET AND HEADBUTTING THE AIR THIS WEEK WHEN I HEARD SOMEONE SAY THE WORD "CORN" AS I WENT BY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I TOOK THIS AS A CLEAR SIGN THAT THE CORN MENACE HAS BEGUN BRAINWASHING PEOPLE TO JOIN ITS KERNELED ARMY!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT TURNS OUT THE PERSON ACTUALLY JUST SAID "HORN" THOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SINCE I KNOW NOTHING OF AN EVIL HORN CONSPIRACY I RESUMED SPRINTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. SEPP BLATTER -- OHMYGOD WH! Y HAVE Y OU NOT EXPLODED YET?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?! I WANT TO USE YOUR OLD MAN HEAD AS THE TEMPLATE FOR A PINATA THAT CHILDREN WILL BASH WITH STICKS UNTIL IT BREAKS OPEN AND YOU FALL OUT OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. THE IRELAND FAN WHO SNUCK ONTO ESTONIA'S BENCH -- THIS IS WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE IMPRESSIVE IF HE WAS WEARING AN ORANGUTAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. SZCZESNY SENDING HIS PHONE NUMBER TO A WOMAN WHO ISN'T HIS GIRLFRIEND THROUGH TWITTER -- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?! AS MY SUCCESSOR ON THE POLISH NATIONAL TEAM YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THINGS LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING AWESOME THINGS LIKE PUNCHING SOUP AND DRINKING CLEANING SUPPLIES IN PUBLIC!!!!!!!!!!!! GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER!!!!!!!!! IF NOT I WILL HAVE TO RETURN TO THE POLISH TEAM AND THAT WILL BE AWKWARD FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ESPECIALLY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. MESSI TAKING A PICTURE OF A CAB DRIVER -- BIG DEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LAST MONTH I SHAVED A CAB DRIVER'S HEAD WITH A SHARD OF GLASS I HAD STUCK IN MY LEG!!!!!!!!!!! HE DIDN'T ASK ME TO DO IT BUT I DID ANYWAY BECAUSE I AM A NICE GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALSO I LIKE STYLING PEOPLE'S HAIR WITH FOREIGN OBJECTS STUCK IN MY BODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T JUDGE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- I CALLED MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKWOSKI "ALBERT" ALL WEEK AND HE DIDN'T CORRECT ME ONCE!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT A TURDANKLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALSO HIS GOOBER KIDS ASKED HOW I WAS DOING AFTER THEY CAME HOME FROM SCHOOL ON TUESDAY AND I SAID "FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" BUT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO THEY WOULD KNOW THAT NOT ONLY WAS I FINE BUT I WAS ALSO DERIVIN! G GREAT ENJOYMENT FROM CALLING THEIR FATHER "ALBERT" EVEN THOUGH THAT'S NOT HIS NAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I JUST REALIZED THAT HIS MIDDLE NAME MIGHT BE "ALBERT" AND HE MIGHT JUST THINK THAT I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN LISTENING TO HIM WHEN HE TALKS ABOUT HIS STUPID PERSONAL INFORMATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS PLAN HAS COMPLETELY BACKFIRED ON ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

Photo: Getty