Artur Boruc's Friday Rage List

AHHHHHHHH we AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. EVERYTHING -- WHY IS EVERYTHING SO BRIGHT?!?!?!??! BETWEEN THE BALL AND MY KIT MY EYES FEEL LIKE THEY ARE WEARING THE SUN!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH we THINK MY EYEBROWS ARE ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. MOURINHO INJURING HIMSELF DURING A MATCH -- WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM?!?!?!? WHEN we HIT MY HEAD we NEVER LET THE PHYSIO TOUCH IT!!!!!!! we JUST LET IT BLEED UNTIL we PASS OUT WHILE DRIVING!!!!!!!!!!!! we ALWAYS WAKE UP IN THE STRANGEST PLACES LIKE ON THE THIRD FLOOR OF A STRANGER'S HOUSE OR IN THE HOSPITAL!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH IT'S AN ADVENTURE EVERY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. ADRIANO WINNING THE BIDONE D'ORO -- FIRST OF ALL I'M JUST GLAD we DIDN'T WIN THIS!!!!!!!!!! IF RAI RADIO 2 EVER NAMES ME THE WORST PLAYER IN SERIE A we WILL LITERALLY BURN DOWN THE RADIO!!!!!!!!!!! THE ENTIRE OUTDATED TECHNOLOGY WILL NO LONGER EXIST!!!!!!! WHICH WON'T BE THAT DIFFERENT FROM RIGHT NOW ANYWAY!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OH SNAP!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- we WENT TO A RESTAURANT THE OTHER DAY AND BEFORE we ORDERED ANYTHING we ASKED THE WAITER IF THEY HAD ANY CORN AT ALL!!!!!!! HE SAID "YES WE DO WOULD YOU LIKE A DISH THAT COMES WITH IT?" AND we SAID "NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT we WANT!!!!!!!!!!!" AND THEN we CALLED HIM A "SLAVE TO THE DEVIL VEGGIES" OR SOMETHING WITTY LIKE THAT!!!!!!!! we DON'T REMEMBER!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH THE CORN IS EATING AWAY AT MY MEMORY!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. SEPP BLATTER JOKING ABOUT SERIOUS BUSINESS -- YOU ARE NOT FUNNY SEPP BLATTER!!!!!!!!!! WELL YOUR NAME IS FUNNY BUT YOU ARE NOT!!!!!!!!!! REMEMBER THAT!!!!!!!!!! ALSO REMEMBER THAT we WILL DROPKICK YOU IN THE NECK WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT!!!!!!!!! ACTUALLY NO DON'T REMEMBER THAT OR IT WILL MAKE MY JOB HARDER!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. OWEN! COYLE B URYING STUFF IN THE GOALS -- we DO THIS SOMETIMES TOO!!!!!!!! EXCEPT we BURY LANDMINES ON THE GOAL LINES HOPING THE OPPOSING KEEPER WILL STEP ON THEM AND HAVE TO FORFEIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO FAR IT HASN'T WORKED OUT YET BUT SOMETIMES we STEP ON THEM MYSELF WHEN we GET BORED!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH THE ONLY THING MORE FUN THAN THAT IS DRIVING WITH AN OPEN HEAD WOUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. LITTLE KIDS PUNCHING EACH OTHER IN THE FACE -- THIS IS AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY ARE THE PARENTS NOT TEACHING THESE KIDS THAT VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER?!!??!?!??!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH we WANT TO BEAT THOSE PARENTS UNTIL THEY REALIZE THE JOYS OF PACIFISM!!!!!!!!!

8. LITTLE GIRL MEETS XAVI -- I'M NOT GOING TO LIE!!!!!!!!!!! THIS MADE ME CRY MORE THAN A TAYLOR SWIFT SONG ABOUT LOVING PEOPLE WHEN YOU'RE A TEENAGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH CRYING MAKES ME SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE NEXT TIME we SEE XAVI I'M GOING TO HUG HIM UNTIL HIS FACE MELTS OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO we WAS WATCHING "HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS" AND MAKING CHRISTMAS COOKIES FILLED WITH SHARDS OF GLASS WHEN MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI CAME OVER AND ASKED IF we COULD DO HIM A FAVOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we SAID "OF COURSE DAN!!!!!!!!! IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME AND we HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN DO FAVORS FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!" HE THOUGHT we WAS BEING SERIOUS BUT we WAS NOT!!!!!!!!!!!! HE ASKED ME IF we COULD PLAY SANTA CLAUS THIS YEAR AS A SURPRISE FOR HIS TWO GOOBER KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!! we TOLD HIM THAT THE LAST TIME we PLAYED SANTA EIGHT PEOPLE DIED AND SEVERAL CHILDREN CHANGED RELIGIONS BUT HE SAID THAT'S OK AND HE KNOWS I'LL DO BETTER THIS TIME!!!!!!!!!! SO we SAID "I'LL DO IT!!!!!!!!" BUT we SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE KNOWS THAT we HOPE THE REAL SANTA CLAUS TOUCHES HIM INAPPROPRIATELY WHILE HE SLEEPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

Photo: Getty Images

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