Soccer Sorcery

After failing to get their desired moves before the close of the summer transfer window on Wednesday, Tottenham Hotspur's Luka Modric and Manchester City's Carlos Tevez have shockingly announced in separate statements that they are both quitting football to pursue other careers. Both players cited a desire to avoid the "unbearable awkwardness" of being forced to stay in situations they were so vocally against during the transfer period. "There was a time when a footballer could demand a move to any club he wanted and get it," Modric said from Croatia's training camp. "I guess that era ended with Cesc Fabregas. I just last week I literally told the manager [at Spurs] not to put me in the starting XI. How can I go back there? It would be more awkward than accidentally seeing your uncle naked everyday for a year. It would be unbearable. I'm retiring from club football. I'm going to be a mechanical engineer or something." Modric had made it...

Tired suffering momentary head injuries that force him to fall to the ground clutching his face, even when little or no contact is made to other parts of his body, Sergio Busquets is apparently doing head strengthening exercises during Spain's training camp. With Andres Iniesta as his spotter, Busquets appears to be piledriving his own head into the ground to try and harden it. Whether this works or just makes things worse remains to be seen, but you have to admire his determination to better himself like this. Photo: Getty

Joe Cole is already in France to begin his season-long loan with Ligue 1 champions Lille. The following is his first letter home. Dear England, I don't know if you heard, but I'm in France now to play football for a club called Lil like Lil Kim. I think she's the owner or something, but when I told them I was very upset when her friend Biggie Smalls died, they all looked at me weird. Maybe they didn't understand me. I've tried grunting and making noises like they do, but they don't understand that either. Talking French is harder than I thought. I know I'll learn their language quick, though. I first learned English really fast when I was 15, so now that my brain is even bigger now, I'll probably learn French even faster. I'm not worried about that or playing football on another continent. I just want to find this Eyeful Tower. I first heard about the Eyeful Tower yesterday when my wife told me about it. Since they call it an eyeful, I thought it wo...

The zombie apocalypse is upon us and Argentine striker Nicolas Guevara is spreading the disease. In a Uruguayan Primera Division match, Guevara was apparently playing Twister against an opponent when his rival made the mistake of putting his arm near Guevara's mouth. Unable to resist temptation, Guevara chomped down on the limb and gnawed on it like a dog with a tennis ball. This, of course, earned him a red card and converted one more to the army of the undead.

David de Gea Wayne Rooney feels Manchester United new boy David De Gea has the strength of character to succeed at Old Trafford. Signed for 18million from Atletico Madrid by Sir Alex Ferguson in the summer, De Gea endured a difficult start. He was defended by Ferguson, but blamed by many others, for Manchester City's two goals in this month's Community Shield at Wembley. And there was no doubt who was culpable for West Brom's leveller in the opening Barclays Premier League game at the Hawthorns seven days later. Progress has been made since then though. De Gea kept a clean sheet against Tottenham and although eyebrows were raised on Sunday by the Theo Walcott effort that went through his legs against Arsenal, the 20-year-old's penalty save to deny Robin van Persie earlier in the 8-2 triumph came at a far more important part of the game. "He is still young and has probably got a lot to learn," said Rooney. "But he is working hard a...

SUMMER SAGA: Inter Milan playmaker Wesley Sneijder If United had started the season poorly and the bold youth policy had fallen flat on its face, would the Reds now be working like crazy on a last-minute deal for Wesley Sneijder? The saga surrounding the Dutchman has dragged on all summer, with the Reds believed to be keen to lure the playmaker from Inter Milan. Sneijder himself is reported to have been equally all ears about a move to Old Trafford and the Premier League. Now the 27-year-old has said that it wont happen. Until the transfer window actually shuts tonight at 11pm, youd never rule anything out with canny Sir Alex Ferguson. Sneijders 35m fee and, particularly, his astronomical salary of 250,000-a-week, have been the stumbling blocks throughout. But the Reds have gone that extra mile in years gone by and more recently for Wayne Rooney last season and had Fergie felt there was a need for Sneijder, then I bet hed have persuaded the Glazers to shell out. ...

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-winning Dirty Tackle... I find this video oddly hypnotizing. [YouTube] If Liverpool seem better than they should be in FIFA, this might be why. [ KCKRS ] Great read -- Barca and futbol: A widely diverse people's passion. [ IBWM ] Real Madrid dance party! [ Kickette ] Forlan moves to Inter in search of passes. [ The Score ] Jozy Altidore loves him some Justin Bieber. [ YouTube ] Distraught Arsenal fans announce formation of breakaway club: AFC AFC. [ The Gaffer ] Man City make audacious 50m bid for Man United's Champions League group. [ News Thump ] The infatuation continues... [ Studs Up ] DT on Facebook. Hit the Like button to support the fight for football nonsense. [ Facebook ]

Paolo Di Canio took over as Swindon Town manager towards the end of May and to the surprise of many, he went a good three months without to beat up one of his own players. But it turns out the reason for that might've been because Leon Clarke didn't join the team until two weeks ago. Following Swindon's 3-1 Carling Cup loss to Southampton on Tuesday, Di Canio got into it with Clarke, who played the full 90 minutes. It started with Clarke not appreciating Di Canio's hand on his neck and tugging at his shirt, then things really kicked off once they went down the tunnel. This kind of behavior might get a different manager sacked, but with Paolo Di Canio, you have to expect this kind of stuff going in, right?

The Miss Universe pageant will be held in Sao Paulo on September 12 and just because everyone who enters Brazil is legally required to play football, the contestants played a match against each other on Monday. Brazil great Cafu was there because, well, why not? Here's video of the match and Cafu smiling a lot... Miss Costa Rica has some skills. Photo: AP

It seems Owen Hargreaves' series of YouTube training videos to prove his fitness has finally worked as Man City had him undergo a medical on Tuesday. If City offer him a contract, he will be the latest player to switch from Man United to Man City, following Carlos "Welcome to Manchester" Tevez. The following is a transcript of Hargreaves' negotiations with City executive Garry Cook. Cook: Owen, I have the results of your medical here. Hargreaves: Yeah? How'd I do? I'm in the best shape of my life. Cook: It says you have the body of an 87-year-old car crash victim riddled with scurvy. And that you're legally dead. Hargreaves: Is that good? Cook: No. But the great news is that we hate United so much that willing to overlook this so we can use you against them. Hargreaves: Use me how? Cook: Well, we were hoping you would be able to actually play football, but we are prepared to just give you a kit, put you on a billboard and maybe catapult your mangled...

We've had a rash of headbutts around the world lately, but this is the first to come in the middle of an elbow/headbutt/dive sequence. During a J-League match between Nagoya Grampus Eight and Ventforet Kofu, Nagoya's Australian striker Joshua Kennedy delivered an elbow to the ribs of Brazilian defender Daniel, who responded with a casual headbutt to the face. That sent Kennedy to the ground and, for some reason, Daniel too. Though Daniel stayed down longer, the referee pegged him for the man to be sent off. It's tough to get away with a headbutt AND a dive. Even if you play dead.

Sir Alex Ferguson M.E.N. Sport's Stuart Mathieson cannot see anyone surpassing the magical powers of Sir Alex Ferguson in this season's top-flight battle. Here he argues why: MANAGER/TACTICS Sir Alex Ferguson 12, Premier League bosses 4! Thats the emphatic title scoreline the Reds boss has racked up against his counterparts contesting the top flight this season. Arsene Wenger makes up three-quarters of that tally but the Frenchman is now in disarray at Arsenal. Liverpool boss Kenny Dalglish has a 1995 Premier League crown on his CV but his Anfield title wins as a manager were over two decades ago in 1986, 88 and 1990. No mean achievements but they were pre-EPL. Citys Roberto Mancini has three Serie A triumphs to call on and that cannot be dismissed but its not the cut and thrust of the battle for Englands crown. The rest of Fergies managerial opponents can offer little except a smattering of triumphs, like Roy Hodgsons Danish S...

Owen Hargreaves leaves the Bridgewater Hospital on Tuesday Owen Hargreaves is in line for a shock move to Manchester City after undergoing a medical at the Bridgewater Hospital. The 30-year-old midfielder was released from Manchester United at the end of last season after four injury-plagued years at Old Trafford. Earlier this summer he released a series of videos on YouTube to prove his fitness, and he was strongly linked with a move to West Brom. What is your verdict on the move? Have your say. Tweet

Nemanja Vidic Nemanja Vidic has been linked witha shock move to big-spending Russian side Anzhi Makhachkala. Anzhi signed Samuel Eto'o for 20m on wages reported to be in excess of 300,000 per week and are now keen to land a central defender, report the Sun. And they are primed to make a move for 29-year-old Serbian Vidic. The Reds have a wealth of centre-backs, with youngsters Jonny Evans, Chris Smalling and Phil Jones competing with experienced duo Rio Ferdinand and Vidic. However, it seems unlikely Sir Alex Ferguson would part with Vidic, normally top of the defensive pecking order when fit. Vidic cost 7m from Spartak Moscow in 2006. Should United consider selling Vidic? Have your say. Tweet

STRONG START: Ashley Young Ashley Young believes Manchester Unitedssquad strengthcan underpin a 20th Premier League title. The 16.5m newcomer from Aston Villa has pinpointed Uniteds substitute line up against Arsenal as evidence the Champions can retain the Premier League crown. The clubs most successful player Ryan Giggs, 30m England defender Rio Ferdinand, last seasons second top scorer Chicharito, the Reds 30.75m record buy and number one striker last term Dimitar Berbatov were among those who didnt make Sir Alex Fergusons starting XI against the Gunners and had to settle for seats on the bench. The strength of our squad is the difference, says Young. Look at our bench, and even people who didn't make it or are injured, Vida, Carrick, just to name a few. The squad the manager has built is terrific. There is competition for places and you have to be on your toes. I haven't experienced anything like that against Arsenal. We went about our job from the ...

Fulham defender Philippe Senderos made his appearance on ESPN's Talk of the Terrace a memorable one by stating that, "With Joey Barton you know what to expect. He's going to come strong in the tackle and he's going to come in your face." This started a gigglefest and Senderos realized that he chose his words about as poorly as he possibly could. Well, Bolton midfielder Stu Holden took to Twitter to ask Barton if it was true , to which Joey responded: So there you have it. Barton admits that he does have a history of dirtiness, but even he has his limits. It seems someone else has been coming in Philippe Senderos' face then. Maybe he's confusing Joey for Alan Smith? And yes, the fact that this follows the post about Philipp Lahm's sexuality is purely coincidental.

German captain Philipp Lahm has a new book coming out and to ensure it sells more copies than Michael Ballack can burn, he's done his best to say controversial things in it. He's already apologized for criticism in the book of the DFB and it also takes shots at his international teammates, as well as Jogi Low and former coach Juergen Klinsmann . But in addition to all that, he addresses rumors that have apparently been circulating about his own sexuality. From the AP : "First, I am not a homosexual. I am not married to my wife Claudia for appearances and I do not have a friend in Cologne with whom I really live," Lahm wrote in the book entitled "A Subtle Difference." "This speculation doesn't matter to me," he said referring to rumours about a male companion in Cologne [ that he takes the time to deny in the very same book ]. "I have nothing against homosexuals and I find that there is nothing wrong with homosexuality." "But ...

Napoli midfielder Marek Hamsik joined a little neighborhood game in the streets of Villaggio Coppola (near Naples) and showed the children what it's like to play against a pro. Minus the ankle-snapping tackles and personal insults (presumably). After scoring a goal (20 seconds into the video), Hamsik celebrated by doing a victory lap in a nearby shop. Thankfully, he did not celebrate by doing this... Overall, it's a nice clip that shows that a world-class footballer can be just another guy in the neighborhood who still likes to play in the streets. I just hope he gave those clothes back to whichever kid he borrowed them from. Photo: Reuters

Well hello there. I see you've caught me posing for a magazine cover that doesn't exist. I often do this in discount clothing stores and hospital gift shops to show the Berba-babes in my presence just how erotic real life can be. They usually roll their eyes and walk away, but they always come back for more. Usually with the police accompanying them. Ha-HA! While you admire my posing ability and try to determine that unusual smell, allow me to inform you of the news that Manchester United beat Arsenal 8-2 over the weekend. ... No, The Berba didn't score any of the eight goals. ... No, I didn't even play in the match. But I was the sole reason we won by such a titillating margin. You see, The Berba doesn't need to be on the pitch to inspire his team to a resounding victory. My musk is so strong that it can seep into the nostrils of my less talented teammates even when I'm on the bench, drawing cartoon women with generous proportions. Also, Wayne Rooney is driven ...

Borussia Monchengladbach manager Lucien Favre put the fear of God into Schalke midfielder Alexander Baumjohann during Sunday's match. Baumjohann chased an errant ball into the technical area and attempted to kick it a little too close to Favre, who reacted by grabbing his collar and screaming in his face. Baumjohann didn't scream back, though. Instead, he slowly backed away, wide-eyed and close to needing a new pair of shorts. Afterwards, Favre seemed to find the funny side of it all, while Baumjohann will probably have night terrors over this for weeks. But the video really doesn't do the incident justice. Have a look at it in pictures... Favre might not have been trying to scare him. This just might be how he goes in for a kiss. Video: 101gg ; Photos: Reuters

Danny Welbeck and Tom Cleverley Tom Cleverley insists his rapid elevation into Manchester United's starting line-up has not changed him. Although he had a successful spell at Wigan last season, Cleverley could hardly have predicted he would start United's first three Premier League games. Not only that, he has gained England recognition as well, keeping his place in Fabio Capello's squad for the Euro 2012 qualifiers against Bulgaria and Wales after initially being called up for the postponed friendly with Holland earlier this month. Yet the 22-year-old is refusing to get carried away by all the plaudits, which will only magnify following Sunday's 8-2 humiliation of Arsenal at Old Trafford. "Although I feel I improved in pre-season, I am still the same player and the same guy," he said. "Just because I am playing in United's first team, that doesn't all of a sudden make me a great footballer. "It is a bit strange when ...

Wesley Sneijder Who needs Wesley Sneijder? The summer long saga concerning the Reds and the Dutchman has taken a distinct back seat following the Champions start to the season. The 8-2 annihilation of an Arsenal without Cesc Fabregas and Samir Nasri proves that losing key inventive midfielders is disastrous. Anderson and Tom Cleverley have begun the campaign in top gear. Darren Fletcher and Michael Carrick are now itching to get a sniff of the action. But there are many fans who still believe without Sneijder pulling the strings in Europe the Reds will end up the Champions League bridesmaids at best again. They hope the impressive destruction of the Gunners will not mean a late bid before Wednesdays transfer window shuts for the Inter Milan playmaker is ditched. Would you still like to see a late bid for Sneijder? Have your say. Tweet

CALL UP: Phil Jones Manchester United defender Phil Jones has received his first call-up to the England senior squad ahead of the Euro 2012 qualifiers with Bulgaria and Wales. The 19-year-old, whoplayed in United's8-2 annihilation of Arsenal at Old Trafford, was part of Fabio Capello's provisional squad for the friendly with Holland that was postponed earlier this month, but did not make the final cut. However, along with fellow Reds youngsters Chris Smalling and Tom Cleverley, Jones has made it this time, helped by the absence of Rio Ferdinand, who has not played since injuring his hamstring at West Brom a fortnight ago. Jones is part of a five-strong United presence, which would almost certainly have been bigger still had Danny Welbeck not been ruled out by a hamstring injury he suffered after opening the scoring in this afternoon's game. The teenager has caught the eye since moving to Old Trafford from Blackburn, where old boss Sam Allardyce once...

Real Madrid opened the slightly delayed new season in Zaragoza and one fan came to the stadium prepared. Wearing snorkeling goggles and a cardboard sign that read "gafas anti Mou" (anti-Mou glasses), the guy in the SpongeBob shirt wasn't risking a sneaky Jose Mourinho eye-poke . The special goggles did not prevent Mourinho's team from absolutely dominating Zaragoza 6-0, though. But regardless of that, don't be surprised if Pep Guardiola wears these for the next Clasico. Photo: AP

The Western New York Flash beat the Philadelphia Independence in a penalty shootout to win the WPS title in their first season on Saturday. Christine Sinclair gave the Flash a 1-0 lead that was nearly enough to win it in 90 minutes, but Amy Rodriguez equalized in the 87th minute to extra time and then penalties, which the Flash won 5-4. All of that late excitement was preceded by a crazed, perhaps rabid squirrel, who invaded the pitch at Sahlen's Stadium in Rochester, New York during the first half. It claimed the area occupied by Philly goalkeeper Nicole Barnhart as its own. It then ran in circles until security staff eventually put a cardboard box over it and slid the box off the pitch. Eight minutes of stoppage time were tacked onto the end of the first half because of the squirrel, but an announcement made over the PA system later in the match informed fans that it was OK. Well, as OK as anything tripping that hard can be.

Following Manchester United's 8-2 win over Arsenal, Arsene Wenger said he was " humiliated. " Man United scored five times in the final half hour, with Wayne Rooney notching a hat trick and Ashley Young finishing with a brace. As awful as it was for Arsenal, it's hard not to ask that one question we keep coming back to: What if it continued? 97' -- Wayne Rooney scores. 101' -- Wayne Rooney scores. 103' -- Ryan Giggs scores (in a non-euphemistic manner). 108' -- Arsene Wenger decides his team desperately needs a young, speedy midfielder. 110' -- Wayne Rooney scores. 114' -- Dimitar Berbatov scores from the bench. 116' -- Bebe scores from Besiktas. 119' -- Samir Nasri texts the score to Cesc Fabregas. Cesc reads it and goes back to sleep. Xavi makes him eggs. 122' -- Wayne Rooney scores. 127' -- David De Gea lets in a weak shot from Marouane Chamakh just to remind everyone that Man United aren't invincible. 130' -- Eric Dj...

Wayne Rooney carries the match ball as he shakes hands with Arsenal goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson was surprised by the ease of his side's8-2 victory over Arsenal. Danny Welbeck, Wayne Rooney (three), Ashley Young (two), Nani and Ji-sung Park all scored for the Reds, with Theo Walcott and Robin van Persie on target for Arsenal. David de Gea saved a penalty from Van Persie with the score at 1-0. "It is (a surprise) because when you play Arsenal you expect a difficult game,"Ferguson said. "If you look at Arsenal the team is weakened - but we still did the job. "We got careless at times and they made chances because they still have quality up front "But overall we are very satisfied that we kept the performance levels up." With his counterpart Wenger likely to come in for more criticism this week, Ferguson again leapt to the Frenchman's defence. "I think it is unfair to cr...

Manchester City travel to Tottenham and Manchester United host Arsenal on an intriguing day of Premier League action. Follow all the action as it unfolds and have your say below by clicking on the grey box. United webchat Tweet

PSV scored all five of their goals in the second half of their Europa League qualifier against SV Josko Ried on Thursday, but the second goal was the one that stood out most. Josko keeper Thomas Gebauer came charging waaay out of his area to put in a sliding challenge on PSV's Jeremain Lens, but lens managed to hop over him and recover from a slight tumble to chase down the ball and get off a shot on the empty net from the corner, just before the end line. As the shot floated toward the far post, Gebauer tried to run it down, but couldn't get there in time. Instead, he ran into the net and used it as some sort of hammock chair. The goal is being compared to Bobo Vieri's against PAOK during his season with Atletico Madrid in 1997/98. Have a look...

Samuel Eto'o showed why Anzhi made him the world's highest paid footballer (and maybe highest paid athlete altogether) this week by scoring in his first appearance for the club. Entering Anzhi's match against Rostov in the 58th minute, Eto'o scored an equalizer just 20 minutes later from right in front of the net thanks to the fine work of fellow new signing Yuri Zhirkov. See? If you don't think about it, you really can't come up with a better way to spend 20 million a year. Seriously, don't think about it.

Chelsea came away from their home match against Norwich with a 3-1 win capped by goal from Juan Mata, making his club debut as a substitute, but it was Didier Drogba's scary collision with goalkeeper John Ruddy that was of far more concern. Drogba had to be stretchered off in the 71st minute after Ruddy, who was later sent off for taking down Ramires in the box, caught him with an elbow under the chin. Drogba was knocked out immediately and limply hit the ground face-down. He appeared to be bleeding from the nose and/or mouth as team doctors carefully put him on the stretcher and, after a considerable amount of time, carried him off. Dan Levene of the Fulham Chronicle said that Drogba was unconscious for 30 minutes and was taken to the hospital, but, thankfully, it's thought that he only has a concussion. Here are the pictures of what happened... Get well soon, Didier. Photos: Reuters, Getty

Phil Jones (left) has made an impressive start at United Jonny Evans looked across at his central defensive partner on Monday night and struggled to remind himselfthat Phil Joneswas a teenager. Jones has made such an impression at Manchester United since his 18million summer move from Blackburn that he is already being touted as a possible member of England's Euro 2012 squad. Making his first Premier League start earlier this week, Jones performed like a veteran. Happy to bring the ball out of defence, solid in the tackle and not afraid to make his opinions known, little wonder Evans felt Tottenham were taking on someone far older than 19. "Phil was outstanding," said the Northern Ireland international. "It is hard to believe he is only 19. "He has shown a lot of confidence, has a great physical presence you don't get in many players of his age, is quick and has great ability on the ball. "He has settled in really well, just...

Manchester United will face old rivals Leeds in the third round of the Carling Cup. Sir Alex Ferguson's Barclays Premier League champions wereon Saturdaydrawn against Simon Grayson's npower Championship side. Ferguson will be looking to avenge the 1-0 FA Cup defeat to the same side two years ago at Old Trafford when Leeds were in League One. CARLING CUP THIRD ROUND DRAW IN FULL Cardiff v Leicester Wolverhampton v Millwall Chelsea v Fulham Aldershot/Carlisle v Rochdale Arsenal v Shrewsbury Burnley v MK Dons Leeds v Manchester United Brighton v Liverpool Nottingham Forest v Newcastle Manchester City v Birmingham Blackburn v Leyton Orient/Bristol Rovers Swindon/Southampton v Charlton/Preston Everton v West Brom Crystal Palace/Wigan v Middlesbrough Aston Villa v Bolton Stoke v Tottenham Ties to be played week commencing September 19. What do you think? Have your say. Tweet

Cesc Fabregas has now won three pieces of preseason silverware in three matches with Barcelona since forcing a move from Arsenal, scoring two goals along the way. And after Barca's 2-0 win over Porto for the UEFA Super Cup, Cesc quickly got on Twitter to share the latest image of himself holding their new shelf ornament and remind everyone that he didn't get it with Arsenal. His tweet : "Thank u all for your great support. And all i can remember in this moment is in what AFC has done for me in my career. Always in my heart." Yes, all he can remember right after winning a Super Cup with Barcelona is everything Arsenal did to put him in position to win things with another club. How sweet. Anyway, his goal (and Messi's setup) to seal the win was quite nice. Have a look... And here's further evidence that Carles Puyol never takes off his plaid shorts ... Photos: @Cesc4Official

Vegalta Sendai were up 1-0 in the first half of their J-League match against defending champions Nagoya Grampus Eight when the losing home side's keeper, Yoshinari Takagi, came out of his area to collect the ball and took too long to clear it. This allowed Atsushi Yanagisawa to take the ball off him for a seemingly easy chance at a wide open net. But, he decided to shoot from outside the box instead of going in a bit closer and ended up putting his shot wide of the far post. Yanagisawa fell over in shock, while Takagi quickly resumed play in the hopes that no one would remember his goof-up to start the series of goof-ups. In the end, the combination of flubs didn't matter, though, and Vegalta held on to win 1-0.

It seems our friend Artur Boruc is starting to rub off on his teammates. With Fiorentina leading 2-1 late in their first Coppa Italia match against Cittadelia earlier this week, Stevan Jovetic had a shot from right in front of goal deflected away. And Jovetic reacted by letting Hulkamania course through his veins and ripping his shirt down the middle. Some might call that a bit of an overreaction for an early season cup match against a second division side, but club chairman Mario Cognigni loved it. He told Fiorentina's official website : "Jovetic tearing his shirt apart after missing a goal is the best way to represent the current spirit of the Fiorentina team that is about to kick-start a new season, a very important one." Now that the rest of the team knows that the chairman is on board with this kind of reaction, the kit man may want to order a few dozen extra shirts. And prepare for when Artur takes it a step further by ripping off his entire kit and setting himsel...

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS NOT A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK BECAUSE WE ARE ON STRIKE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I TOLD THE OTHER PLAYERS THAT I WOULD GET THE OWNERS TO AGREE TO OUR DEMANDS BY HEADBUTTING THEIR GARAGE DOORS AND ROUNDHOUSE KICKING THEIR EMAIL BUT THEY ALL IGNORED ME AND DECIDED TO GO ON STRIKE INSTEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO NOW I HAVE TO SIT AT HOME AND WATCH SINBAD MOVIES WITH MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI AND HIS GOOBER KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS HAS TO BE THE WORK OF THE CORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOPEFULLY THIS STRIKE ENDS SOON!!!!!!!!!!!! A REPORTER ASKED ME HOW I FELT ABOUT IT SO I SAID "IT'S UNFORTUNATE BUT I'M GOING WITH THE FLOW!!!!!!!!!" EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I WANT TO SEVERELY BEAT THE FLOW WITH A WAFFLE MAKER!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'M GOING TO DRINK A BOTTLE OF PAINT THINNER AND WATCH HOUSEGUEST !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS NOT BEEN MY RAG...

(Warning: Fergie says "s***.") Fresh off winning Manchester United's record 19th title to surpass Liverpool and with a perfect start to the new season that included a Community Shield win over Man City, Sir Alex Ferguson is, of course, feeling a twinge of bitterness. When asked about the number of Man United players in the England squad -- which could be as many as eight for next month's qualifiers -- Fergie broke out a little violin and began playing it for himself, saying: "It is fantastic. The FA may realize who has produced more players for their country than any club in the world. "Maybe they will get some joy from it and realize how important we are to England instead of treating us like s***. I am pleased for the players. They are outstanding.'' Yes, they treat Man United like dung by handing over all their trophies when you win them and punishing your players when they do something wrong -- the very definition of being treated terrible. I...

Sir Alex Ferguson Sir Alex Ferguson has complained the Football Association treat Manchester United "like s***" as he prepares to send a sizeable portion of his squad away on international duty. England boss Fabio Capello is due to name his squad for next month's Euro 2012 qualifiers against Bulgaria and Wales on Sunday evening. Although it will require a number of fringe players, including Michael Carrick, to get the nod, United could have as many as eight representatives in the squad. The likes of Chris Smalling, Phil Jones, Danny Welbeck and Tom Cleverley could receive a call up. Ferguson is delighted about that. However, he used it as an opportunity to highlight his unhappiness with the FA, which covers a range of issues in recent times, including a touchline bans he served last season plus a controversial two-match suspension imposed on England striker Wayne Rooney that ruled him out of last season's FA Cup semi-final defeat to Manchester City. A...

The same Samir Nasri who went on Twitter and called Arsenal fans " really disrespectful " for singing about his lack of commitment to the club just two weeks before his big money move to Man City can't stop taking pops at his former home. First, he said City supporters are more passionate and Arsenal fans are less passionate since the move from Highbury to the Emirates (apparently he forgot how "disrespectful" they were two weeks earlier), even though he never once played at Highbury . And now, just like Wayne Rooney, he says the club he was with just couldn't match his ambition. Nasri told L'Equipe (via Sky Sports ): "Why did I not sign a new contract with Arsenal? We started talking in October but by June I did not have any news and I didn't see anything happening in the transfer market. There comes a time when you have to invest. "I have heard people say I have moved for money. I make a good living at City, that is true, but I am 24 ...

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-winning Dirty Tackle... The above video was a totally unedited documentary of true events that occurred in real time. [ Z czuba ] Hulk's special gold boots for the UEFA Super Cup. [ TBG ] A NSFW cartoon of Iker Casillas' trip with his girlfriend. [ KCKRS ] Alex Ferguson ends BBC boycott. [ Guardian ] Petition to get the BBC to boycott Alex Ferguson. [ TPS ] What did Gordon Ramsey do to Cruz Beckham?!?!? [ Kickette ] The head of Italy's coaching association chained his leg to FIGC headquarters. [ The Offside ] Ghana in Fog: An awesome video of the Ghanaian national team training in a park. [ Nutmeg Radio ] As DJ Pauly D would say, Lukaku is stalking Didier Drogba's whole life. [ Studs Up ]

The Champions League draw is a classy affair for the world's premier club competition and includes some of the biggest names in the history of the sport on its guest list. Being held in Monaco makes it even glitzier and the participants wear only the finest designer clothes. Except for Carles Puyol, who had the important task of bringing out the Champions League trophy and wore club issued Nike shorts and sneakers. The Telegraph's Henry Winter clarified that Puyol did not just come off the beach , but was still in his traveling gear for Barca's UEFA Super Cup match against Porto on Friday. Still, as finalists for the new Best Player in Europe award, both Xavi and Lionel Messi showed up wearing suits, so I think Puyol probably couldn't done the same. At the very least he could've dried his hair. Photo: Globo

Every year, an attempt is made to transform the practice of old men picking club names out of bowls into something that's actually exciting by declaring one cluster of teams the GROUP OF DEATH. Even though no human life has ever actually been ended by the formation of a Group of Death. This year, Champions League group A gets the honor for including Bayern Munich, Villarreal, Man City and Napoli and this year, someone (or a lot of someones) might actually die because of it. That may sound silly. That may sound like a typical media exaggeration of the Champions League draw. But it's not. Because this group includes Mario Balotelli. Here are several ways that Mario Balotelli can turn Champions League group A into a real Group of Death: -He could throw poison-tipped darts at Italy teammate Giuseppe Rossi as a joke and accidentally hit Marcos Senna. -He could run over Marek Hamsik while attempting to speed off somewhere in his Maserati. -He could frustrate Roberto Mancini with his...

Lionel Messi Great. ... Another trophy that's not made out of Legos and is no fun to play with. ... This is just what I never wanted. ... Maybe if I give it to Mr. Mourinho he won't try to poke me in the eye. ... I just hope Xavi doesn't try to give it to Cesc as a present like he did with my shampoo... Samuel Eto'o This is how I sleep now! Rod Stewart WTF IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW Rod Stewart THE VIAGRA IS WORKING Didier Drogba Time for the disgraces. ... First, Andre Villas-Boas' breath smells like cat food. That's a Kitier Katba f***ing disgrace. ... Then, Fernando Torres gets to start instead of me. That's a f***ing insane f***ing disgrace. ... Then, Man United got the easiest Champions League group since every other year that they got the easiest Champions League group. That's an incomprehensibly lucky f***ing disgrace. ... Then, Chelsea got Bayer Leverkusen in our group, so that means we have to see Michael Ballack again. That's an awkward f***ing ...

Though the flying spin kick to his opponent's stomach doesn't help this defender gain possession of the ball, it does put his victim in the fetal position. And the referee turned away just in time to miss it. So...success? According to the YouTuber, the kid who executes the spin kick is an "MMA champion." Clearly his form is nowhere near as good as MMA legend Nigel De Jong, though.

Danny Welbeck and Tom Cleverley Danny Welbeck and Tom Cleverley have provided ManchesterUniteds Academy staff with two new shining examples to promote the Reds youth system. Sir Alex Ferguson has stuck true to his doctrine that home-produced players will always form the backbone of his Old Trafford squads. From the Class of 92 and beyond to the likes of Wes Brown, Phil Neville, Darren Fletcher, John OShea and Jonny Evans, Uniteds much-envied conveyor belt has always regularly churned out first team material of the highest order. But following the retirements of Gary Neville and Paul Scholes and the departures to Sunderland of Brown and OShea, the Academy needed some fresh new cases to illustrate the potential to wannabe new kids and their parents at the starting point of the long road to United stardom. And Welbeck and Cleverley have broken through on cue to provide Academy director Brian McClair and his team with brand new up-to-date role models. Both pl...

Following the latest round of ugliness between Real Madrid and Barcelona, Iker Casillas lived up to his saintly reputation and called up Carles Puyol and Xavi in the hopes of making peace before the Spanish national team convenes for their next round of friendlies. According to less than reliable Marca, Jose Mourinho -- fresh off apologizing only to Madridistas for his part -- did not like this and decided to punish the captain for going behind his back and being nice by holding him out of the Santiago Bernabeu Trophy match and starting Adan in his place . After the 2-1 win over Galatasaray, Mourinho told reporters that "Casillas can talk on the phone with anyone" right before leaving the press room. But, this is a man known for fostering an "us against the world" mentality within his teams and one week removed from launching a sneaky finger attack on a Barcelona assistant's eyeball. So benching his captain for being friendly with The Enemy doesn't seem ...

From the same official club website that brought you their guide to pretending how to be a Man City fan and the bold claim that they beat Man United in the Community Shield comes yet another first. The site reveals that on the same day City finalized the signing of Samir Nasri, the former Arsenal player scored his first goal for the club...in a video game that isn't even finished yet. Yes, under the headline of "Samir Nasri scores first City goal" is a picture of the virtual player in his new kit kicking the ball towards what we can only assume is an out-of-frame goal against the only other club that exists in City's eyes -- Manchester United. Have a look... According to the posting, the image was created using "an early version of the upcoming FIFA12 game." But as Deadspin and the Guardian point out , the real City won't p! lay Man United at home until April 28th, so Nasri will have to wait a while to recreate his first goal for the club in real lif...