Dimitar Berbatov isThe Continental

Well hello there.

I see you caught me standing here acting casual. This is how I train for big matches. It's also how I lure in gorgeous Berba-babes like you. And it seems to be working. Ha-HA!

But aside from standing here and holding onto this net in a manner that makes you want to fondle my kneecaps, The Berba has been quite busy. ... No, I haven't been busy forwarding vulgar Internet videos to your private email account. That actually takes very little of my time, since my cousin Timitar Berbatov is the one who actually finds/films many of the strangely exciting videos himself. Especially the ones involving taxidermied goats wearing sunglasses and pictures of Justin Bieber's non-existent twin sister. Ha-HA!

Instead, I have been spending the vast majority of my time making sure Chicharito a.k.a. Little Berba is back in good health and ready to play instead of me. How have I been doing this? ... I know you didn't ask that, but I'm going to tell you anyway: I've been doing it by instructing him to massage curdled mayonnaise into his concussed head while singing made-up lyrics to smooth jazz songs. I also made him watch Timitar's videos with the goats and Bieber's non-existent twin sister. Chicharito said that all of this made him even dizzier. I told him that that's how we know it's working. Ha-HA!

Oh-OHHH! I think my fingers are stuck in this netting! Oh, this is terrible! I was just about to gently caress your face before you slapped me and/or sprayed me in the mouth with your giant canister of mace, but I am completely unable to dislodge them from this decidedly unsexy restraint! Oh, this is terrible. Oh! Oh, wait. I just had to let go of it.

Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of! ...The C ontinental...

Photo: AP