Dimitar Berbatov isThe Continental

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me peeking at you. Ha-HA! Don't be alarmed. But do be aroused. The Berba actually does this quite often, so it's surprising that you haven't caught my enviable widow's peak invading your personal space before now. You're enjoying it aren't you? ... Well, the manner in which you recoil from my intense, fish-odored breathe tells me that you are very turned on by what's happening here. Ha-HA!

Just to tease your undeniable urge to caress the inside of my nose with your tongue, I will continue to talk to you from this very close, very awkward angle. Just gaze into my unblinking and hypnotic eyes and let your body quiver like the vibrating bed in my carpeted van. ... Oh, you're actually dry heaving? Well nevermind that. Think about how just 16 minutes after The Berba made his fashionably late entrance into Manchester United's season opening match against some team with a name I can't remember. And think about how those players who are not The Berba were so distracted by my erotic presence that they actually deflected the ball into their own net to let me win. Ha-HA!

Oh-OHHH! You poked me right in the eye! Oh, that hurt so much! I think I might be half blind forever! How will I go through life only able to see half a beautiful Berba-bosom or Berba-backside? Oh. Oh wait. It's better now. My rejuvenative powers are quite strong, you know. And I don't just mean my eyes. Ha-HA!

Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of...The Continental...

Photo: Rio Ferdinand's USA tour diary