Artur Borucs Friday Rage List

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. FIREMEN -- THESE GUYS ARE THE WORST!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERY TIME I TRY TO SET MYSELF ON FIRE TO UNNERVE MY OPPONENTS AND/OR JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO DO THAT THEY COME OVER AND PUT ME OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FIND SOMETHING BETTER TO DO WITH YOUR TIME!!!!!!!!! BECOME AN ABSTINENCE TEACHER OR MICROWAVE REPAIRMAN!!!!!!!!! I COULD ACTUALLY USE ONE OF THOSE!!!!!!! I BREAK A LOT OF MICROWAVES!!!!!!!!

2. BAYERN FANS HAVING SEX AT A MATCH -- THIS IS GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!! THE ONLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE TO HAVE SEX IS INSIDE THE WALK-IN FRIDGE AT A CHAIN RESTAURANT THAT'S BEEN SHUT DOWN FOR HEALTH CODE VIOLATIONS!!!!!!!! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. GOALKEEPER TRICK SHOTS -- THIS WAS INTERNET DECEIT AT ITS WORST!!!!!!!! AT ITS WORST!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE BIRDS WERE NOT EVEN CLOSE TO ANGRY ENOUGH FOR MY LIKING AND TRICK SHOT VIDEO DOESN'T INCLUDE AT LEAST THREE PEOPLE LOSING VITAL ORGANS?!?!??!?!?! YOU PEOPLE ARE WAY TOO EASILY AMUSED!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH I THINK MY LIVER JUST FELL OUT!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- THE CORN IS MORPHING ITSELF INTO A COMPLEX MAZE SYSTEM DEDICATED TO AN AMERICAN GOALKEEPER!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS TERRIFYING!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S FAR MORE INTELLIGENT THAN EVEN I COULD HAVE IMAGINED!!!!!!!!!! IF ANYONE OFFERS YOU CREAM! ED CORN THIS WEEK KICK THEM IN THE BRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. HOPE SOLO NAKED -- AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'LL BE IN THE FRIDGE AT THE ABANDONED TGI FRIDAYS IF YOU NEED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. RONALDINHO MASSAGING HIMSELF -- THE POPE MAKES IT VERY CLEAR THAT THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT WE'RE NOT GOING TO TELL THE POPE WHAT I JUST DID IN THAT FRIDGE!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I'LL NEVER THINK OF BBQ RIBS THE SAME WAY AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. FERNANDO TORRES AS A GOALKEEPER -- I'M SORRY BUT ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS HOPE SOLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE'S A TAYLOR SWIFT SONG PLAYING IN MY HEAD WHILE I THINK ABOUT HER AND IT'S ALL SO PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE TO SET MYSELF ON FIRE TO CALM ME DOWN SO IF THAT FIREMAN GETS IN MY WAY I WILL NOT HESITATE TO DROPKICK HIM TO THE FOURTH MOON OF JUPITER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF JUPITER HAS FOUR MOONS!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THE CORN SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. DE GEA AND HIS DOUGHNUTS -- I WON'T BE IMPRESSED UNTIL YOU GET FREE CANDIES SHAPED LIKE EARTHWORMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LIKE TO PRETEND I'M EATING REAL EARTHWORMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ESPECIALLY WHEN PUNCHING THE GROUND DOESN'T MAKE THEM COME OUT SO I CAN EAT THEM!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I JUST PUNCHED A SPRINKLER AND THE FIREMAN WON'T STOP LAUGHING AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS DRINKING PAINT THINNER LIKE IT WAS GOING EXTINCT ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT WHEN I DECIDED TO GET A LITTLE CRAZY AND GO OVER TO MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR ! DAN WYKO WSKI'S HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOCKED ON HIS DOOR BY SMASHING MY KNEE THROUGH HIS WINDOW!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN HE CAME DOWNSTAIRS AND FOUND ME STANDING IN HIS DINING ROOM WITH A SHARD OF GLASS IN MY HEAD HE ASKED IF I HAD BEEN DRINKING PAINT THINNER AND I SAID "YES!!!!!!!!!!!!" BUT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I REALLY LIKE PONIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE TOLD ME I SHOULD GO HOME AND GET SOME REST SO I TRIED TO SMASH THROUGH HIS WALL BUT THAT DIDN'T WORK BECAUSE I'M NOT THE KOOL-AID MAN AND I FORGOT TO SAY "OH YEAH!!!!!!!!" ANYWAY I JUST LEFT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND WENT HOME AND HEADBUTTED AN XBOX UNTIL I ACHIEVED A LEVEL OF FURIOUS JOY THAT NO ONE CAN COMPREHEND!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE DAN GETS SOFTER WALLS SO I CAN BUST THROUGH THEM EASIER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

Photo: Getty