The news according to Carlo Ancelotti

What's up, crackers?

I'm joking, I don't really talk like that. Forget it -- I'm Carlo. Hello, how are you? Nice to meet you and all that. Since Chelsea sacked me for winning the double, I've had a lot of free time on my hands and I've been using that time to read the papers and surf the spiderwebs and sometimes I have a coffee, but that's neither here nor there, so just stop it and pay attention. The point is, I've got all this news inside of me and it's got nowhere to go. I feel like I'm leaking news -- oozing news -- so, I'm going to share some of it with you now.

Everybody's angry with John Terry -- What else is new? Am I right or am I right? Yeah, John Terry said something or maybe he didn't and now everybody's angry at him again. Rio Ferdinand won't talk to him, but that's pretty much the only good thing to come out of this for him. My advice for John? Carry around a puppy. People like puppies. Call it Mandy or Jim. Don't ask me about the name. I don't have a name book for this thing.

Snooki -- I kept reading about this Snooki, but I didn't know what it was, so I called up Andriy Shevchenko on the telephone and I said, "Andriy, what's this Snooki I keep hearing about?" and he said "It's a girl on a TV show. I watch it all the time." Then he started talking about how he's been crying for no reason and that he was really glad to hear from me. Once he told me about the Snooki I stopped paying attention. Watch the Snooki.

Lindsay Lohan appearing in Playboy -- I used to call Fernando Torres "Lindsay Lohan"! because he has the freckles and the hair. I'd say "Hey Lindsay Lohan!" and he'd say "What?" and I'd say "Mean Girls!" Anyway, it was funny if you were there, but if not it's whatever.

Now it's time for the weather with Rafa Benitez. What's the weather like, Rafa?

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Tornadoes.

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OK, I don't know what that means, but that's good. Thank you, Rafa.

So, yeah, that's about all the news I have right now, but you know the news -- it doesn't stop. Come back later and, uh, I'm sure I'll have some more of it for you.

Arrivederci.

Photos: Getty, Reuters