Soccer Sorcery

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-winning Dirty Tackle... Patrice Evra did his Sergio Ramos impression during Manchester United's victory parade. [YouTube] A former CONCACAF insider reveals the strip cluby details of life with Chuck Blazer. [ Big Soccer ] Chuck Blazer sacked. [ Yahoo! ] Barca's champions T-shirt. [ The Beautiful Gear ] Remembering Paul Scholes. [ Run of Play ] Pepe Reina imitates his new baby. [ Kickette ] Football on the moon. [ Just Football ] Ferguson warns Barcelona that Man United will fight on in the second leg. [ The Gaffer ] Finally time to catch up. [ Studs Up ]

There has always been a lot of pontificating about athletes and celebrities and their poisonous affect on the impressionable minds of kids eager to emulate them -- especially this year with Wayne Rooney shouting obscenities into a TV camera. But it turns out young children don't care about these people nearly as much as adults do. From the Guardian : Simon Brownhill, an education expert at the University of Derby, said children aged eight or below were unable to grasp the concept of role models. In a survey of 178 men working in nurseries and primary schools, Brownhill found that footballers such as Rooney and others from the Premier League's elite, thought to be idolised by many children, actually have little influence. [...] "The men surveyed in the study, who work with young children every day, supported the idea that children are more likely to be influenced by people who are their own age, who share the same experiences and who live close by, such as friends a

Though the Premier League season just ended, teams are already looking ahead to how they can improve next season. Some will pin their hopes on new players or different tactics, but Jack Wilshere thinks he has a different answer for Arsenal: complaining harder. From Soccernet : "It's no use just Robin van Persie going because it looks like it's just him having a go at the ref. If we all get round him..." Wilshere said. "You just see the other teams do it and you think 'we need to do it as well'. Man United are the best at it. They get round the referee. We have to be more of a team and be more aggressive and show more authority." It shows something, but I'm not sure "authority" is it. Hopefully this was just a joke and a dig at Manchester United that was lost in translation. If this is seriously considered a reasonable method of improving results by professional footballers though, it might be time to start letting referees use tas

Sadly, parents fighting at their kids' sporting events happens pretty much everywhere, but few get as vile as this. During a match between Levski Sofia's youth team and Cherno, former Bulgarian international Daniel Borimirov (who has a son on Levski) and member of the 1994 World Cup team started a fight with other dads on the touchline that even prompted some of the kids to get involved. The worst comes at the end of the video, though. With the police doing nothing, Borimirov comes running in and sucker punches a guy in a white shirt just as he turns around (1:10 into the video). Then, as a final exclamation point, one of the kids throws something at the guy who got clocked. This is why some people shouldn't be allowed to have kids. Credit to Tri Korni for sharing.

As soon as Sepp Blatter asked "what is a crisis?" and immediately followed that up by stating that "football is not in a crisis" (whatever that is), it was made explicitly clear that logic and coherence had no part of his press conference on Monday. This is nothing new for a FIFA press conference, but what was new was how it ended -- with attacking journalists unnerving the man at the top of an organization with absolute power. Though he, of course, dismissed questions about how Qatar allegedly "bought" the 2022 World Cup and how reports of corruption keep popping up from both outside and inside FIFA, Blatter couldn't keep the frustrated press at bay. When they demanded answers and refused to settle for his non-answers, Blatter told them that they were "not in a bazaar." And concluded with a lecture on respect and elegance. It was very different from Blatter's normally calm and supremely confident approach. Anyway, according to the Pres

Plagiarism is never a fun subject, but when the world's most popular news website is the one doing it, something needs to be said. In a post about Shakira trying to teach several Barcelona players how to dance during her concert on Sunday night, I ended with a reference to our running joke from the "If it continued... " series. Here are the last two sentences: Pique then felt up his girlfriend while a stadium full of people watched ( again ) and the footballers returned to their place in the front row. At which point Busquets fell down clutching his face. Hardly anything worth plagiarizing there, right? Well, The Daily Mail disagrees ... Not only is the last sentence copied word for word, but so are the 11 boring words that end the sentence before it. Lame! In a kind of flattering way. Of course, the Daily Mail's reputation is far from admirable! , but ri pping off lines from nonsensical football blogs is pretty low even for them. And in other plagiarism news, Bl

Inside the costume for Lille's creatively named "Doggy Dog" mascot is French international Adil Rami. Sunday's 3-2 win over Rennes not only marked the end of Lille's double winning season, but also Rami's last match with the club before joining Valencia. He promised a surprise to celebrate the occasion and this was it. Though his moves may not have been as good as Kevin Prince-Boateng's (who celebrated Milan's Scudetto win with a Michael Jackson routine ), I think Rami wins because you would have no way of knowing it was him just by watching this clip. Rami's other tribute to the club -- dying part of his hair red like a poor man's Rufio -- did help him stand out, though... Photo: Getty

Swansea City beat Reading 4-2 in an epic Championship playoff final on Monday to become the first Welsh club to win promotion to the Premier League and the tens of millions of pounds that come with it. Once the final whistle blew, the entire time put on T-shirts with Besian Idrizaj 's name and picture on them in tribute to their former teammate who died in his sleep of an apparent heart attack shortly after last season. He was just 22 years old. Despite the fact that Idrizaj played just three matches for Swansea a whole season ago, it was nice to see that even in a moment of such joy, they still value and promote his memory. Another part of the tribute was prompted by a Facebook group started by Swans fans. It called for a remembrance of Idrizaj in the 40th minute of the match, since that was his shirt number. Said Swansea defender Angel Rangel before their playoff semifinal against Nottingham Forest the day after the anniversary of Idrizaj's death (via Wales Online ): "W

After all the jokes about Sergio Busquets falling down and clutching his face for no good reason (including the one at the end of this post that The Daily Mail plagiarized ), it finally happened for a reason. And at the very beginning of the Champions League final, no less. Michael Carrick blasted him with the ball square in the head and, as he's practiced so many times before, Busquets went down clutching his face. Was it karma? Was it some kind of chronic premonition Busquets has been having? Or was it just an inevitability of life? We may never know. But in that moment, the universe was in perfect harmony.

Inter beat Palermo 3-1 in the Coppa Italia final and they got a special two for one deal for their troubles. In addition to the usual TIM Cup, the winning side also received a special trophy commemorating the 150th anniversary of Italy's unification. The weird part? With Javier Zanetti busy with the main trophy, Marco Materazzi got to hoist the anniversary cup. Even though Materazzi didn't play in the match, only made one Coppa Italia appearance this season and 10 appearances for Inter in total. But he is the senior Italian player/mascot in the squad. After winning the treble last season and losing to their city rivals in Serie A this season, this must soften the blow a bit. And Jose Mourinho will probably take the credit. Both for the trophy and the unification of Italy. Photo: Getty Images

Because everything just happens to work out perfectly pretty much all the time in Barcelona these days, Gerard Pique's girlfriend Shakira just so happened to be performing in town the day after they returned from their Champions League final win over Manchester United. Fresh off their open-top bus parade earlier in the day, Pique and several of his teammates continued their celebration by attending the concert. During the show, Shakira called them all up on stage one by one to the shrieking delight of the crowd and once everyone got their hugs from the Colombian pop star and former Real Madrid fan, a public dance lesson commenced. Shakira demonstrated her signature hip-shaking moves for the six footballers and told them to follow her lead. Out of the freshly crowned European champions, Sergio Busquets probably did the best job of mimicking her, while Xavi thrusted like a stripper and Bojan automatically failed for wearing jean shorts (seriously, Bojan?! Jorts?!). Pique then felt up

CONCACAF president Jack Warner threatened a "football tsunami" would soon hit FIFA, and after he learned of the suspension handed to him and the Asian Football Confederation's Qatari president Mohamed Bin Hammam over allegations of handing out cash bribes, he unleashed the first storm. Via highly professional information outlet that is the Trinidad and Tobago Soca Warriors Facebook page . In Warner's rambling, cut-throat response to his punishment, he shared a message from FIFA secretary general Jerome Valcke (pictured above, center) that casts even further doubt over how Qatar managed to win the 2022 World Cup, which has already been subjected to one round of vote buying accusations . Says the utterly unreliable source that is FIFA vice president Jack Warner: On May 18 when I realised that the political battle between Blatter and Bin Hammam was getting out of hand I wrote Secretary General Valcke telling him, among other things, that the outcome of the elections m

While everyone was distracted by the Champions League final, Mohamed Bin Hammam withdrew from the FIFA presidential race. But, according to Mohamed Bin Hammam, that has nothing to do his impending bribery case or how the details of it were reported by the Telegraph shortly after his announcement. From the AP : "Recent events have left me hurt and disappointedon a professional and personal level," bin Hammam wrote on his personal website. "It saddens me that standing up for the causes that I believed in has come at a great pricethe degradation of FIFA's reputation. This is not what I had in mind for FIFA and this is unacceptable. "I cannot allow the name that I loved to be dragged more and more in the mud because of competition between two individuals. The game itself and the people who love it around the world must come first. It is for this reason that I announce my withdrawal from the presidential election." Bin Hammam decided to run for the presid

(Select the closed captioning option on the YouTube page for English subtitles.) Clubs try a lot of things to prove that they care about far away fans in order to squeeze the most cash out of them during summer tours. This is one of those things. In a scene reminiscent of Wayne Campbell from Wayne's World trying to learn Cantonese to impress Tia Carrere, several Arsenal players and their manager (who picked up some Japanese when he took charge of Nagoya Grampus Eight for a season) try to show their Chinese fans just how much they care by butchering their language. Some give valiant efforts, while others resort to holding up cue cards and making funny faces (Johan Djourou). Wenger, meanwhile, speaks as if he's doing mouth exercises. Kieran Gibbs thanks you for eating Arsenal. Video via 101gg

Since Shakira wasn't around to make out with him in public , Gerard Pique celebrated Barcelona's Champions League victory like the goofball that he is. When the sprinklers on the pitch went off as Barcelona began their party, Pique stuck his head directly in the line of fire, which may or may not have reminded him of the time he took a blast of magic spray directly into his mouth . Like the winner of a college basketball tournament, Pique also cut the net off one of the goals... And what did he do with it once he removed the whole thing? He wore it like it was some kind of Lady Gaga costume. Taking blasts of water to the head and pretending he was being eaten by a net monster wasn't all, though. He also found time to fall into a team picture. I! 'm not s ure what happened here. But I'm quite certain it made him bleed. The world would be a worse place without Gerard Pique. Photos: Getty, Reuters

Two short months ago, Barcelona defender Eric Abidal underwent surgery to have a tumor removed from his liver. Less than six weeks later he returned to training and since then he's resumed playing to win a La Liga title, earn a recall to the French national team and start in a Champions League final. But that wasn't enough. Since Barcelona's 3-1 win over Manchester United for the European crown played out as if it was a script transcribed by one of the magical cherubs that Pep Guardiola keeps as house servants, the finishing touch that any Hollywood producer would love came when it was time to receive the trophy. Instead of regular captain Carles Puyol or match captain Xavi being the first to lift the trophy, Abidal was given the armband before the walk up to collect their winnings so he could carry out that duty in a show of personal triumph. And if you had trouble getting the dust out of your eyes after seeing that, we'll understand. Photo: Getty Images

Barcelona's second Champions League final win over Manchester United in the last three years once again proved just how dominant they are. There's no denying it. There's no way to blame it on a UEFA/UNICEF conspiracy. They're just that good. Many observers wondered if this side was on the brink of a downturn after winning every trophy available to them in 2009, so how do they respond? With a 3-1 win over Man United in London for Europe's top prize that included all three of their forwards scoring, all three of their midfielders providing the assists and maintaining possession so consistently that, at times, you would forget their opponents were even on the pitch. And to top it all off, the deciding goal came from a typically great shot from Lionel Messi, who's astonishing 31 goals in 33 Spanish league games this season were only bested by Cristiano Ronaldo's record-breaking 40 goal season. Man United's defenders stood and watched as the reigning World Pl

This is it. Manchester United play Barcelona at Wembley Stadium in London in what has become the most watched annual sporting event in the world . It's a rematch of the 2009 UEFA Champions League final (which Barcelona won 2-0) and both sides are looking to claim the cup for the fourth time. Are you excited? Because Dimitar Berbatov certainly is . Ha-HA! You can find serious business previews and primers for this match pretty much everywhere else online and in print. So here we'll just do it the Dirty Tackle way. How They Got Here Barcelona: Playing fierce rivals Real Madrid a dizzying five times across three competitions this season (including four times in 18 days last month), Barcelona won their third straight Spanish league title this season. Making through that gauntlet against Real was more demanding than a Champions League final in many ways. But according to Real Madrid manager Jose Mourinho, they were only able to do so thanks to a conspiracy that involved both UEFA

Lionel Messi and Wayne Rooney are getting just about all the attention ahead of the Champions League final, but the guy most likely to score with his liver is, of course, Chicharito. But if you think Chicharito wants to be a superstar like those two, you're wrong. He just wants to run. Forever. From the Telegraph : [W]hen he was asked if he aspired to the status of the Argentinian double Ballon d'Or winner, Hernandez was quick to play down his achievements. "No. I am a player of this great team," he said. "What obsesses me is sweating this shirt to death, and I will never stop running. "I don't aspire to be like Messi. I'm just a simple footballer." "I'm not obsessed with goals. The goals are the result of the work of the whole team. The forwards only have the good fortune to score them. In a team like ours, even Edwin (van der Sar) can claim the goals." Has there ever been someone so humble and dedicated to murderi

There is absolutely no way this wasn't done on purpose. Two giant Champions League final match balls were put in London's Trafalgar Square for the weekend's festivities and, combined with Nelson's Column, they create a graphic image that represents the match's standing as the biggest annual sporting event in the world. The photographer knows it. And the woman touching those balls knows it. Also, because of this, visiting Barcelona fans may or may not have started referring to Trafalgar Square simply as "Piqueton." Photo: Getty via The Offside

Bitter former Real Madrid president Ramon Calderon is apparently still holding onto a lot of anger for the club and what more reasonable way to express that anger than to go on the radio and compare Jose Mourinho to Adolf Hitler? From Goal.com : Despite the inability to overtake rivals Barcelona in the league and in Europe, Mourinho is thought to still have the backing of supporters, something Calderon was keen to comment on. "You can have millions of fans cheering for you, but Hitler was also acclaimed by millions of people before he took a tumble," the lawyer told Catalan radio station ONA FM . He just compared a football manger to Hitler. Where do you even begin with that? I mean, that's the kind of statement that you don't even dignify with a response. Unless you're Jose Mourinho. In which case, this will probably be something he hammers away at all summer. He's probably feverishly drafting up a whole catalog of responses right now, in between trying

Coming off a 4-0 win over Avai (in which Ronaldinho scored), you'd think everyone at Flamengo would be happy and getting along. They're not. During a training session this week, cameras caught Willians delivering what really looks like a deliberate elbow to the face of Negueba as they both went for the ball. Negueba reacted, uh, dramatically and Willians was taken for a walk over the surrounding woods as some kind of timeout. So, yeah, looks like there might be some trouble brewing at Flamengo. Video via 101gg

Viktor Kassai: Does not take guff from Sergio Busquets. Howard Webb became the youngest Champions League final referee last year at age 38 and on Saturday he will lose that record when 35-year-old Hungarian Viktor Kassai takes charge of this year's final. So will Kassai be working for the UNICEF conspiracy or does he sing "Glory Glory Man United" in the shower? Here's what the Guardian says about him: Kassai is highly regarded within refereeing and has a reputation for letting the game flow. He refereed the World Cup semi-final between Spain and Germany last summer [ as well as the U.S.'s loss to Ghana ] and has taken charge of four Champions League matches this season, including United's 1-0 win in Valencia in the group stages. [...] Kassai, who speaks fluent English and German but not Spanish, has been a Fifa referee since 2003. He has officiated at more than 60 Uefa matches and he took charge of the 2008 Olympic final. He speaks English but not Spani

Lyon beat Potsdam 2-0 in the Women's Champions League final at Craven Cottage on Thursday and this is how defender Laura Georges reacted upon lifting the cup. Now, the women's trophy is quite nice. Nicer than the men's, I'd say. Still, there's no way the trophy alone could elicit a facial expression more fitting for someone looking inside the briefcase from Pulp Fiction. Was there a squirrel in there? A cartoon stick of dynamite? Whatever it was, congratulations to Lyon. I hope whoever wins the men's trophy can muster a response half as spectacular. So that wins best reaction, but best hair goes to goal scorer Wendie Renard... Even Potsdam's Fatmire Bajramaj was in awe. Perhaps this epic diversion helped Lyon win. I would suggest that Wayne Rooney tries to quickly grow a similar hairdo to use against Barcelona, but, you know, that wouldn't really work for an infinite number of reasons. Match highlights and analysis can be found at All White Kit . Photo

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-winning Dirty Tackle... Who knew that learning what not to do in the event of a horrific disaster could be so much fun? [YouTube] Nike Champions League final player exclusive boots. [ The Beautiful Gear ] Is the Champions League final going to be the last hurrah for this Barca team? [ Slate ] Breaking down Arsene Wenger's end of season letter to Arsenal fans. [ ATD ] Could Guardiola cut it away from Barcelona? [ Guardian ] Rino Gattuso considering a move to Russia. [ Football Italia ] Expansion fee for MLS's 20th team could be between $75 and $100 million. [ SBD ] The best Champions League final moments from recent years. [ The Spoiler ] Michael Carrick: The ghost hides himself behind success. [ Futfanatico ]

Accusations of corruption against top FIFA officials keep piling up and now they're even being made by other top FIFA officials . Though these accusations damaged FIFA's already ravaged public image, brought calls for a postponement of the upcoming presidential election and sparked the possibility of a revote for the 2022 World Cup hosting duties, FIFA has been keen to do all their "investigations" in the privacy of their own back room. Why? Because they don't have to answer to anyone. They hold supreme power over their international kingdom. Well, almost supreme power. There is the small matter of keeping their sponsors -- the corporations that hand over the vaults of cash that serve as FIFA's lifeblood -- happy. And it seems the so far ambivalent sponsors are finally realizing that all this bad press for FIFA is also bad press for them. From the AP : Asked about the problems facing FIFA ahead of the presidential election, Adidas said in a statement: "th

Lionel Messi Hahaha I stole Pique's face hair. ... I hope Shakira doesn't think I'm him and try to kiss me. ... Kissing is gross. ... This Pique beard is itchy. Maybe that's why he bleeds all the time. ... I really hope we beat Manchester United. ... I can't believe Pep promised to buy me all the Lego Pirates of the Caribbean playsets if we do. ... The boat is going to be so much fun. ... I can't wait to play with the boat. ... And give Pique his beard back... Sir Alex Ferguson SAY "GIGGS" AND I WILL BAN YOU FROM LIVING Xavi We must win for the good of football. ... We must win for the good of mankind. ... We must win for the good of the plants and the animals and whatever lives in Puyol's hair. ... We are football. Everyone else is anti-football. ... Including Gandhi, the Dutch and whoever invented balls used for sport. ... I'm trying so hard to shoot laser beams out of my eyes that I think I might pass out. Wayne Rooney It's time for the

When fans throw something on the pitch, play usually stops. That's not how Dinamo Bucharest's Elis Bakaj does it, though. When his own fans threw a large blazing firecracker just in front of him as he made a move towards goal in the Romanian Cup final against Steaua Bucharest, he tried to play on like dodging firecrackers is a part of the game. The referee did stop play for a moment after that, however, and it seems being unable to take advantage of the diversion hurt Dinamo because they ended up losing the match to their rivals by a score of 2-1. Video via 101gg

No matter how you feel about Manchester United, it's hard not to like Park Ji-Sung (or at least hate him less than his teammates) and the relentless way he plays the game. In 2009, he became the first Asian to play in a UEFA Champions League final and he will be the only one again this year if he plays on Saturday. By the Associated Press' streamlined logic, this supposedly means that he will have the support of the entire continent behind him. Regardless of whether this is true or not (note: Barcelona are pretty popular in Asia, too), his fans sound pretty fantastic. But apparently not fantastic enough to make him enjoy being famous. From the AP : Little wonder then that the Old Trafford mail room is so full of parcels for him, even rivaling star striker Wayne Rooney's haul of fan-mail. "They send me everything from food, clothes, sweets," Park said. "I have been sent money before because the notes in South Korea changed and they sent me the new ones so t

Spurs manager Harry Redknapp will never be confused with Mark Twain, but that didn't stop The Sun from giving him a regular column and for that, we should be thankful. The latest example of his hilarious brand of nonsense comes in the form of a timely and ridiculous comparison between Lionel Messi and Wayne Rooney. This is what old Harry has to say about Messi: A mate of mine said to me the other day, after watching Messi destroy a team on his own, that the Argentine looks like the sort of bloke you'd find sitting in a bookies in the afternoon, smoking a fag and betting on horses. He's a skinny runt who looks nothing like a modern-day footballer really. He has funny little legs that move awkwardly when he runs and if he turned up at your club as a 16-year-old, you'd send him away with a pat on the head and tell him he'd no chance of making it. Don't get him wrong, though. Even though he describes Lionel as some sort of goofy gnome who looks like he spe

Well this is just sad. Scotland played Wales in a Nations Cup match on Wednesday at the Aviva Stadium in Dublin and it looks like about 18 people showed up. Scotland won 3-1, but when you have so few people in a 51,700-seat stadium, it's kind of amazing they even bothered to finish the match. Was this match supposed to be a surprise? Did they go with the Eric Cartman " you can't come " marketing technique? I know a midweek match between Wales and Scotland isn't the biggest draw in the world, but come on -- you'd think they would be able to fill at least one full section of seats. Here's the most depressing picture of a goal celebration you'll see today... Wales' Robert Earnshaw does his trademark acrobatics for a ball boy and a guy who isn't even watching as he claps. Wales then gave up three goals in the second half to lose the game. Photos: Getty

"Everybody is doing it!" laughed FIFA president Sepp Blatter at a press conference to announce the governing body's latest initiative to convince the public that corruption is actually a good thing. Assembled as a response to bribery allegations against Asian Football Confederation leader Mohamed bin Hammam and FIFA vice president Jack Warner, as well as their retaliatory bribery allegations against Blatter and several other top FIFA officials, the men joined together to launch the "Corruption is Cool" campaign. "Look," Blatter said as he propped his feet up on the table, "we took an inventory and discovered that everyone at FIFA -- even the janitors -- are corrupt in some way. And since we don't have to answer to anyone and our sponsors couldn't care less, we decided that it would be easier to convince the people that corruption is what's best for football than to end the good thing we have going here. So, the 'Corruption is Cool

Tuesday was not a good day for Helsingborg goalkeeper Par Hansson. When his side scored first against Malmo, the home fans did not appreciate it and threw a firecracker that landed near him. With a ringing in his ears, Hansson received treatment on the pitch and while that happened, a Malmo fan marched up from behind him and gave him a shove before being taken down by a delayed swarm of police and Helsingborg players. The referee ordered all the players off the pitch after that and the match was abandoned 20 minutes later . A series of incidents involving fireworks at Swedish matches has prompted the SvFF to ban them from stadiums and referees are required to stop play if they see them in the stands. Anyway, hopefully Hansson just went home and took a nap after all this.

Davey Becks skipped an L.A. Galaxy league match to play in best friend Gary Neville's testimonial against Juventus at Old Trafford on Tuesday. The mere fact that he was back at his former home and wearing a Manchester United shirt for the first time since 2003 was, of course, more than enough to gobble up the spotlight that was supposed to be on the retiring Neville (but was actually going to be on scandal subject Ryan Giggs). And as if putting in a fine performance and playing the full 90 minutes while prompting giddy chants of " Fergie sign him up " wasn't enough, Davey even played the part of security enforcer by catching a young pitch invader late in the second half. Becks was preparing to take a corner kick when a couple of kids attempted their invasion. One was caught right away while the other fulfilled his desire to waste everyone's time by scampering around the pitch and evading a trio of stewards. Becks, meanwhile, just stood with his hands on his hips,

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-winning Dirty Tackle... Tennis player a Liverpool fan Caroline Wozniacki is in Paris for the French Open and between matches, she's apparently spending her time doing keepy-uppys. [YouTube] Nike reveals Manchester United's 2010/11 home kit. [ The Beautiful Gear ] Premier League managers name their best players of the decade. [ The Offside ] Ryan Giggs chooses an unfortunate place to sit. [ Kickette ] The Guatemalan Manchester City. [ IBWM ] The importance of not believing everything you read about superinjunctions. [ Twisted Blood ] Respect The Adu! American Pele! He used to date JoJo! [ The Shinguardian ] Serie A team of the season. [ Unprofessional Foul ] The thought process of the amateur footballer. [ Surreal Football ] Slighted Aston Villa players invade the stands after nonplussed fans fail to come onto pitch. [ The Gaffer ] Davey Becks' new underpants line. [ Studs Up ] And finally, thank you s

Not pictured: Mario Balotelli. It seems so much was made of the possibility that Carlos Tevez would opt to travel back to Argentina to see his family rather than attend Man City's FA Cup parade on Monday that no one bothered to make sure Mario Balotelli would show up. So, while Tevez hoisted the trophy from an open-topped bus surrounded by thousands of fans, Balotelli was in Milan doing whatever it is he does. From the Telegraph : Balotelli's failure to attend could lead to the former Inter Milan player, who earns 170,000 a week, being fined a fortnight's wages. Club sources suggested he had been allowed to return home for family reasons. Twenty-four hours earlier, Balotelli was also absent from the club's Player of the Year awards and prompted the embarrassing situation of full-back Micah Richards collecting the Young Player of the Year award, given to Balotelli, due to the Italian's absence. So just what was Mario Balotelli doing instead of atte

Kevin-Prince Boateng set the bar for celebratory dances quite high with his Michael Jackson routine , so Udinese manager Francesco Guidolin opted to set the opposite end of the scale. Udinese finished the Serie A season in fourth place to earn a Champions League qualifying spot and following their 0-0 draw against Milan on Sunday, they set up a small stage on the pitch. From there, the spastic dancing began. From Football Italia : The tactician [Guidolin] had promised to do the Moonwalk after securing Champions League preliminary round qualification, but his efforts were a little underwhelming. "Let's not go there," he laughed. "I kept my pledge, but I really am a terrible dancer! "As a Coach I am one of many, and I won't complain about that, but nobody can beat me at cycling mountain ranges in the over-50 class. I have to say, I am the best at that!" Cycling mountain ranges in the over-50 class? That's...pretty specific. Meanwhile, despite Guidolin

Carlo Ancelotti was unceremoniously sacked in a corridor at Goodison Park following Chelsea's season-ending loss to Everton on Sunday. The following is a transcript of how we imagine his conversation with Chelsea chief executive Ron Gourlay went. Gourlay: Carlo, I have a message from Mr. Abramovich for you. Ancelotti: OK. What is it? Gourlay: He says he hopes you have a nice summer, that you're welcome to use one of his less favorite yachts whenever you want, that you're sacked and that he hopes you have a nice summer. Wait, did I already say that? Ancelotti: I'm sacked? Gourlay: Right. And you can use one of his less favorite yachts. How great is that?! Ancelotti: But I'm sacked? How can you tell me such news like this? Gourlay: (shrugs) We do this kind of a lot. At this point it's like sneezing. Ancelotti: Where is Mr. Abramovich? Can I hear this from him? Gourlay: Uh. I don't know where he is. He's definitely not here. He's probably havin

Jose Mourinho has finally broken his most recent self-imposed silence to take a few thinly veiled shots at Barcelona and UEFA (and, of course, their shady partner in crime and charity UNICEF) in a video message to Real Madrid supporters. Jose hasn't spoken to the press since being given his five-match ban from UEFA after the first leg of the Champions League semifinal last month. But since spontaneous combustion becomes an increasingly real possibility with the passing of each day he doesn't make a public statement, Jose finally got his shots in. From the Independent : "Finally, I want to end with a very simple wish, which is that next season we recover certain principles that nobody should ever forget, and which this season some football professionals and some institutions have sometimes forgotten, and which must be the basis of our sport. "To talk of fair-play, of respect to your opponents and of the red card to racism must not just be words, they mu

When Sampdoria sealed their relegation from Serie A with a loss against Palermo, captain Angelo Palombo was so distraught that he wept on the pitch like he just put down Old Yeller. It was a disastrous season -- going from fourth place last year to finishing 18th being dropped down to Serie B -- and one that will hurt Sampdoria fans for some time. So to poke those wounds while they're still wide open, fans of fierce city rivals Genoa CFC (who finished 10th this season) held a massive mock funeral in the streets for their doomed neighbors. From the Guardian : With nothing riding on their last game against Cesena, Genoa's supporters took the time to enjoy the relegation of their neighbours Sampdoria. A five-minute silence was held by supporters during the game to mark Samp's passing, and afterwards a 30,000-strong 'funeral' procession carried a coffin draped in Sampdoria's colours through the city. 30,000! 30,000 people poured into the streets to take part in an

Prepare to call the five-second rule as you pick your jaw up off the floor because 21-year-0ld Javier Cortes is about to put it there. Pumas won the Mexican Clausura on Sunday by beating Morelia 2-1 thanks to Cortes' brilliant 77th minute winner. The 21-year-old weaved through three defenders and fired a shot past one more diving opponent and the goalkeeper to give Pumas the title and prove they deserved it. After the match, even Cortes himself couldn't hide how impressed he was with Javier Cortes. From Reuters : "Really, that was the move of my life, that was the goal for the championship," Cortes said. "I dared to have a go, I dared to shoot and how good it was to get that goal," he told reporters after the Pumas' lap of honour. And after that, he dared to party all night long.

Hearing that Maradona took drugs won't shock anyone. But hearing that FIFA vice president and Argentine Football Association head Julio Grondona knew about systematic doping among his national team? Well, that probably won't surprise anyone either. In an interview on Monday, Maradona made accusations against the man who dismissed him from his post as Argentina's manager after last summer's World Cup. Prompted by Grondona's recent references to Maradona's struggles with drug addiction, the football legend revealed Grondona's hypocrisy and the measures taken to ensure Argentina qualified for the 1994 World Cup in the U.S. -- from which Maradona was sent home early after failing a drug test. From the AP : "Why weren't there any anti-doping controls in the match with Australia if we had them in all the other games?" Maradona asked during an interview on The Football Show. "They give you 10 anti-doping controls and only the match that decide