Artur Borucs Friday Rage List

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. FRIDAY THE 13TH -- IT'S FRIDAY THE 13TH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALREADY TODAY I HAVE ELECTROCUTED MYSELF MICROWAVED MYSELF AND I ALSO RAN MYSELF OVER WITH A CAR!!!!!!!!! SOME PEOPLE SAY THIS DAY IS BAD LUCK BUT THOSE PEOPLE ARE WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS HAS BEEN THE GREATEST DAY EVER!!!!!!!!!!

2. ZLATAN IBRAHIMOVIC STILL KICKING TEAMMATES -- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!?!???!? YOU KEEP DOING THIS AND NOT ONE PERSON HAS TRIED TO PUT YOU IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION YET!!!!!! MEANWHILE I KICKED A TEAMMATE AT CELTIC ONCE BY ACCIDENT WHILE I WAS TRYING TO SHOW GARY CALDWELL HOW CLOSE I COULD KICK TO HIS HEAD WITHOUT ACTUALLY KICKING HIM IN THE HEAD AND THEY ACTED LIKE IT WAS AN INTERNATIONAL CRIME!!!!!!!!! AFTER THAT I WAS GLAD THAT WAS ACTUALLY TRYING TO KICK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!

3. MARIO BALOTELLI CONFRONTING SCHOOL BULLIES -- HE'S STEALING MY BUSINESS!!!!!!!!! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT I HAVE A VERY LUCRATIVE SIDE BUSINESS WHERE I SCREAM IN THE FACES OF SCHOOL BULLIES UNTIL THEY LITERALLY MELT OUT OF FEAR AND CONFUSION BUT MARIO IS RUINING THAT WITH HIS HANDSHAKES AND MASERATIS!!!!!!!!!! HOW DARE YOU SIR!!!!!!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- LOOK WHAT THE POLISH FOOTBALL ASSOCIATION CHANGED THEIR LOGO TO!!!!!!!!!! DO YOU SEE WHAT COLOR THEY ADDED!??!?!?!!? YELLOW!!!!!!!!! THE COLOR OF THE KERNELED EMPIRE!!!!!!!! THE CORN HAS INFILTRATED POLISH FOOTBALL!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH NO ONE IS SAFE!!!!!!!!

5. RONALDO GIVING A SHIRT TO THE FAN HE BLASTED IN THE NOSE -- I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUCH A NICE GESTURE THAT I WENT AROUND KICKING BALLS AS HARD AS I COULD INTO THE FACES OF PEOPLE AT OUTDOOR CAFES JUST SO I COULD GIVE THEM A SHIRT AFTERWARDS!!!!!!!!! EXCEPT NONE OF THEM SMILED AND THANKED ME FOR IT AND THE POLICE EVEN TOLD ME TO STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH CLEARLY THERE IS A DOUBLE STANDARD AT WORK HERE!!!!!!

6. CURIOSITY -- IF YOU'RE STILL WONDERING HOW I RAN MYSELF OVER WITH A CAR I DID IT BY PUTTING THE CAR IN NEUTRAL AT THE TOP OF A HILL AND THEN TRYING TO OUTRUN IT TO THE BOTTOM!!!!!!!!! IT'S A GAME I CALL "GETTING RUN OVER BY A CAR!!!!!!!!"

7. THE HEARTS FAN THAT ATTACKED NEIL LENNON -- THIS IS HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!! HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!! IF I EVER SEE THAT GUY I AM GOING TO SNEAK ATTACK HIM IN THE HEAD WITH A FORK MADE OF ASBESTOS!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXCEPT I WOULD NEVER DO THAT BECAUSE VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER TO PROBLEMS!!!!!!!!! EXCEPT WHEN IT IS!!!!!!!!!

8. MARADONA FALLING ASLEEP BEFORE EATING HIS PLANE FOOD -- AHHHHHHHH I HATE WHEN THIS HAPPENS!!!!!!!! I BLACK OUT ALL THE TIME AND SOMETIMES I WAKE UP WITH FOOD IN FRONT OF ME!!!!! !!!!!! I T'S THE CREEPIEST THING EVER!!!!!!!!!!! IF PEOPLE ARE PUTTING FOOD IN FRONT OF YOU WHILE YOU'RE UNCONSCIOUS WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE THEY'RE DOING TO YOU!!!!!!!!! THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS CARRY SEVERAL HOME PREGNANCY TESTS WHEREVER I GO!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- I ACTUALLY WENT THE WHOLE WEEK WITHOUT TALKING TO HIM!!!!!!! IT WAS FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!! BUT HE DID ORDER A PIZZA THAT WAS ACCIDENTALLY DELIVERED TO MY HOUSE AND THAT WAS ANNOYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT MADE ME WANT A PIZZA OF MY OWN BUT ALL THE LOCAL SHOPS STOPPED TAKING MY ORDERS WHEN I DEMANDED TO HAVE SQUIRREL BLOOD INSTEAD OF TOMATO SAUCE AND CHEESE MADE OF METAL!!!!!!! WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?! AHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE DAN BURNED THE ROOF OF HIS MOUTH ON THAT PIZZA SO BAD THAT IT STILL FELT MILDLY UNCOMFORTABLE THE NEXT DAY!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

Photo: Getty Images