The uneventful life of a retired footballer

I'm Bert Tiddle and you've never heard of me. The year I won the FA Cup with Coventry, one fanzine put me in their team of the season. They said they did it "ironically" but I was still in there and I still had a guy called Tony buying me beers for a week because of it. Tony was a numpty.

Everyone's going on about their team of season like anyone but them actually cares what their stupid opinion is. But since my opinion actually is important -- no matter what my Cirrhosis, one of my 18 kids, says -- I figured I would put all those other teams of the season to shame by doing one of my own. So, here's the best Old Bert's seen this season. You're welcome.

(Tiddle Note: You won't be finding any defenders on this team. The lot of them are all overrated glory sponges and the rarely score goals. Worthless. Twits.)

-Jens Lehmann. I heard that his first day back at Arsenal he decapitated the kit man and wore his head as a party hat. Legend.

-Charles Ronaldo. Some say he leads the Spanish league in goals. I say, since when does Spain have a football league?

-Darryl Bent. "There's no way he's worth 24 million," you people moaned. Third in the Premier League in goals and he has nine in 15 matches with Villa. In other words: You're a twunt.

-Joe Jordan. He's got three teeth left in his head and he didn't even have to step on the pitch to rile up the Italians. Plus, taking a headbutt is worth more than a clean sheet.

-Chinkarito. Secretly 12 years old but he can score with literally any part of his body. He gets bonus points for having Charo the "cuchi-cuchi" lady as a mother, too.

-Leo nard Messi. What can you say about Len? The two YouTube clips I saw were brilliant. They weren't of him, but they were brilliant.

-The big Swedish fella with the nose. He's mental. Goes around kicking his teammates like that's a thing to do. When I did it, Cyrille Regis tried to have me arrested. But he gets away with it.

-Pierre Odemwingie. Scoring 15 goals on West Brom is like scoring 60 goals for Manchester United. That's science.

-Kenny Dalglish. Since he started playing for Liverpool again, they've been a completely different team. I almost left him off for going to Boyzone concerts and failing to sign me after I sent him a fruit and porn basket in 1989, but I'm not petty like that.

-Ryan Giggs. Not for what he did on the pitch, but what he did off it. Well done, granddad.

-"David Silva." No idea who he is. Just copy and pasted a name to fill this thing out before the three kids I left at the super market find their way home and start screaming.

And the manager: My pal Sam Allardyce. He's been hovering over my shoulder while I do this, breathing on me like a baboon and telling me that if I don't mention him, he'll leave an upper decker in my toilet. Well, you've already done it twice today, Sam. Doing it again won't smell any worse. And stop eating bran muffins like apples. It's turned your digestive system into a slip and slide.

So that's it. The team of the season. May all other teams of the season lists get a terminal illness and die. I'm going to fix my toilet.

Photo: Reuters