Soccer Sorcery

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-wining Dirty Tackle... Forget the skills, I just like the music. [YouTube] My report on a shocking transfer rumor that will shock you. [ Futfanatico ] Fourth official with a giant condom board. [ The Spoiler ] Johan Cruyff's rebel streak strikes again as entire Ajax board resigns. [ The Score ] Tribute to David Rocastle. [ Caught Offside ] This interactive Cosmos map of New York is pretty slick. Just wondering why it's only dudes in the pictures. Who knew only men lived in New York? [ Umbro ] One nation, indivisible? Rebranding American history. [ FALW ] The Total Soccer Show discusses the U.S. friendlies and Chad Ochocinco. [ TSS ] A U.S. fan's ode to Chicharito a.k.a. Little Berba. [ MFUSA ] The former Playboy model that would be the unexpected savior for a Polish club. [ The Football Ramble ] Neymar 2011 mixtape. [ The Original Winger ] The racist banana is German! [ Studs Up ]

Manager Kenny Dalglish (center) with two players who are not Asian, and thus, are totally worthless to Standard Chartered. Standard Chartered is in its first season as Liverpool's shirt sponsor and since the end of it is nearing, the company is naturally asking what this football club could do to better help them. Yes, that uncomfortable feeling rumbling in your bowels right now means what is to follow will probably prompt a thousand independent blog posts that curse the day football and business started humping each other. Said Standard Chartered executive Gavin Laws to the AP : "The real power for what Liverpool could do for us, and I think for the English Premier League, is if there was a way they could nurture foreign players from Asia a great Asian playeryou see what Park Ji-sung does for Manchester United," Laws, the bank's head of corporate affairs, said at the SoccerEx conference. "The markets in Asia and the Middle East are so nationalistic, they ar...

It may seem like Lionel Messi has a supernatural ability to score goals. And that's because he does. Seriously, it's science. Here he is warming up before Argentina's friendly against the U.S. and displaying that the cosmic field of magnetic energy he creates not only drives the ball he kicks into the net, but any other balls that might be sitting stationary between him and goal, as well. Was he trying to hit the ball that was sitting in front of the goalkeeper with the one he actually kicked? Pshhht. He doesn't have to try. And after both balls hit the back of the net and even the goalkeeper applauds his trick, Messi just walks away, because to him that's nothing. Plus, those Legos aren't going to play with themselves. Note: We will be announcing the winner of our Messi autographed adidas F50 adiZero boots giveway on Friday, April 1 (and it won't be an April Fool's!) So hit the Like button on the DirtyTackle.net Facebook page to be sure you're ente...

U2's 360 tour is currently plopped down in Argentina for three shows at the Estadio Unico de La Plata with opening act Muse. During the first show of the series on Wednesday night, Bono further endeared himself to the adoring Argentine crowd that paid to see him by tailoring his band member introductions (1:35 into the video) to their shared interest -- the Argentine national team. First, Bono introduced drummer Larry Mullen Jr. as "the youngest member of U2 [he's 49], with the feet of a ballet dancer and a truly great dribbler. Our very own La Pugla [Lionel Messi]..." They also have the same initials! So there's that. Next up, bass player Adam Clayton -- "the man who likes to score three at a time, the handsome, the suave, the El Pipita of U2 [Gonzalo Higuain]." Hmm, OK, both are constantly overlooked. I'll go with that one. Then comes The Edge. "He's like God, he's omnipresent, he's everywhere at the same time, always in the right ...

As Real Madrid prepare to face Spurs in the Champions League quarterfinals, two members of the Spanish superclub are perhaps more excited than anyone else to be on the same pitch as Peter Crouch. Yes, Peter Crouch. Real Madrid defenders and Spanish national team compadres Raul Albiol and Alvaro Arbeloa apparently developed an intense love of Crouch during their downtime in South Africa last summer as they passed the hours playing the World Cup 2010 video game on the Playstation. Said Arbeloa of his role-playing as his former Liverpool teammate to the Guardian's Sid Lowe : "During the World Cup we were on the PlayStation constantly," Arbeloa smiles. "It was always el Chori [Ral Albiol] and me against Sergio Ramos and Jess Navas. They were Spain, we were England and it got pretty intense. We always put Crouch up front and he scored loads. We bought ourselves England shirts. You'd be there in the Spain hotel and there were two guys in white, "Gerrard...

Lionel Messi So bored. ... I think I'm sleeping with my eyes open. ... Hahaha not blinking feels funny. ... It's like what Maradona talked about. How he would snort a bunch of sugar and not blink for days. ... I wonder if Pique is kissing Shakira right now. ... If they kiss so much that they get a baby, I wonder if they would let me name it. ... I would name it Lego. ... Even if it's a girl. ... I can't wait to go back to Barcelona and play with my new Prince of Persia Lego set. ... That will be so much fun that it will probably make me blink a lot hahaha... Andy Carroll I AM FLYING BUT NOT VERY HIGH Karim Benzema I really hope Ribery doesn't put my hand in warm water again. ... That's so embarrassing. ... Even after the 50th time. ... Gotta remember Mourinho's secret to being a good footballer: "Play well or he will cut me with a knife." ... That secret always motivates me. ... If Ribery draws a dong on my face again I am probably going to cry... ...

Not being able to stop before getting upended by the ledge is never a good thing, but disappearing into the abyss after you get taken out is just creepy looking. We don't know how far he fell -- it looks like the other side of their makeshift pitch was at groundlevel, but the side he was on appears higher -- so we're left with whatever image our imaginations produce of what's on the other side of that wall. I say alligator pit.

It's been a somewhat disappointing season for cash-strapped Everton as they sit eighth in the table (exactly where they finished last season) and David Moyes realizes that he's lucky the roving wave of impatience hasn't washed over him yet. After nine years with the same club (the third longest term in the Premier League right now), Moyes isn't hanging to his job until an angry mob pries his cold, dead hands off his club track jacket like so many other managers when things turn nasty. He'll go whenever the fans want him gone. Said Moyes on TalkSport's Keys & Gray Feminist Football Hour : "I've always said I wouldn't want the supporters to get fed up of me because at the end of the day it's their football club, it's not mine. I'm there to do the job and try and do it to the best of my ability. "If I got the feeling they were fed up with me then I'd do something about it. But I don't at the moment, I still see it as on...

Shakira posted the above photo of herself with Barcelona defender and no longer secret boyfriend Gerard Pique to Twitter on Tuesday. Fans swooned, tabloids plotted pregnancy rumors and, according to AS and Marca , Real Madrid pulled her music from their pre-match playlists. Though Shakira jams have been a staple at the Santiago Bernabeu over the years, her romantic alignment with a member of Real's rivals has apparently made her musical stylings no longer welcome. The Spanish press says that there was no official reason given for the change, but it seems unlikely that Real Madrid's stadium DJ would coincidentally just happen to stop liking her tunes independent of her getting slobbered on by Pique. Also, Real Madrid president Florentino Perez would like you all to know that, as of now, this never happened... It may look like he was giving her a Real shirt with her name on the back in 2004, but he was actually pulling it away so he could burn it.

Crystal Palace introduced American football style cheerleaders -- The Crystal Girls -- last December and in the time since, Palace have won just three of 18 matches and dropped to just outside the relegation zone in the Championship. So as frustrations rise and irrational thoughts take old, some fans have decided that the Crystal Girls are to blame for this. From Metro : 'They are just pole dancers on grass and they should be stopped they are not doing the team any favours,' said one internet blogger. Gareth Pollock, 24, said: 'When they come out waving their pom-poms I just hang my head.' He added: 'They put everyone off the game you see the players eyeing them up when they should be focusing on the game. The sooner they go the better.' Captain of the unpaid Crystal Girls, Charlotte Duffy, points out how stupid that is (via the News Shopper ): "I think people need to look at the facts, because the team are doing well at home and have not lost a gam...

I'm Bert Tiddle and you've never heard of me. I record many unknown facts about the inner workings of professional football during my playing days with Ipswich Town, Coventry City, Sheffield United and several other clubs that I can't remember right now -- all before the Premier League came along and ruined everything. Most of these facts involve me getting blackout drunk and laughing at Sam Allardyce and Alan Shearer. Hell. I've already ruined the secret bit, haven't I? Sam Allardyce is a numpty. Keenan, one of my 18 kids, has been reading these Secret Footballer columns in the Guardian to me while I eat my breakfast, even though I never asked him to and he can't read. Which is really quite embarrassing for him since he has to be at least 16 or 19 years old at this point. I always tell him that, too. Enough about slow Keenan, though. The point is, these Secret Footballer columns are a waste of anonymity and don't tell you much. So old Bert is going to do y...

Uruguay jumped out to an early 3-1 lead in the first half of their friendly against Ireland on Tuesday, but defender Martin Caceres helped Ireland get back in it with a bit of comedy. In the 48th minute, Caceres tackled two Irish players at once with a desperate challenge in the box that actually made his opponents look sillier than him. Caceres wasn't booked for his two for one deal, though the ref did award Ireland a penalty that Keith Fahey converted. Still, it wouldn't be enough for Ireland, as they lost 3-2. Martin Caceres next goal? Taking out four opponents with one tackle. He sets his goals high.

When Roman Abramovich paid Phil Scolari 7.5 million to leave Chelsea in February of 2008, many laughed and said it was another example of Russian billionaire being rash and failing to let his football people do their jobs. Of course, when Guus Hiddink came in, salvaged the season and won the FA Cup, those shouts quieted just a bit, but the jokes about that massive payout persisted. Now, it seems it was worth every penny, though. Said Scolari in a Brazilian TV interview (via the Guardian ): "I didn't leave Chelsea because of sabotage from the players but it is true that it was difficult to control the dressing room," Scolari said. "Drogba believed he was the star in the squad and I did have conflicts with him. He wanted to go to a hospital in Paris because of an injury but I said no. "That was my first problem because [Nicolas] Anelka did well in his absence and scored many goals. But when Drogba came back he wanted to go straight back into the team, but I ...

Franck Ribery and Patrice Evra were back in the French squad for Tuesday's first home match since their roles as leading punks in the punk parade that was France's World Cup implosion. Neither one started the friendly against Croatia, but that didn't keep fans from getting their boos in. From Reuters : Both were booed when the stadium announcer read the substitutes' names at an unusually fast pace before kick off and the picture of the players sitting on the France bench disappeared from the big screen. In the second half, though, Ribery got the chance to have the crowd's emotions rain down on him like asbestos as he entered the match. Huge boos came from the stands when the influential midfielder replaced Florent Malouda on the hour but other parts of the stadium began to chant his name. "It was a bit special. It is true that there were some boos when I came on, but then some fans chanted my name," Ribery told French TV channel TF1. Always looking on the...

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-winning Dirty Tackle... Robin Van Persie's son, Shaqueel, makes Arsene Wenger drool. [ WAATP ] Shakira now tweeting pictures of her and Pique. [ Kickette ] Goalkeeper Rogerio Ceni reaches 100 career goals scored. [ The Offside ] How England fell out of love with its own national team. [ twofootedtackle ] Russian club pays player $256,000 for sending thugs to beat him into voiding his contract. [ The Beautiful Blog ] The FIFA presidential race turns into a verbal smackdown. [ Unprofessional Foul ] Sir Alex gets no touchline ban for lewd comments, injury time lapdance. [ FistedAway ] Fans boo England and Wales players during terrible national anthem performances. [ The Gaffer ] Racist banana strikes again. Even though he wasn't Scottish. Or racist. [ Studs Up ]

Thierry checks to make sure Keane's name isn't on that Man Utd shirt. Manchester United will once again make a summer trip to the U.S. to grab some much needed cash and for the second straight year, that trip will include a match against the MLS All-Stars on July 27 at Red Bull Arena . Going on the assumption that Thierry Henry makes the MLS side (which is definitely an "if" after his first two matches this season), Sir Alex Ferguson decided to begin his mind games months in advance of the game at Tuesday's press conference. When asked about possibly facing Davey Becks and Henry, Fergie joked: "We've got a special plan to sort Henry out...I'm bringing Roy Keane back!" And then Roy Keane appeared out of nowhere and drove his foot through Thierry's chest cavity. OK, that didn't happen, but from now until July 27, Thierry will probably try to convince Patrick Vieira to join MLS and act as his human shield just in case Keane does show up. Ph...

Speaking to the press ahead of England's friendly against Ghana, Fabio Capello mentioned how he had a discussion with Andy Carroll about the young striker's beer consumption . "I spoke with him privately. I think not only Andy likes to drink beer. Not only Andy. He needs to improve, to drink less," said Capello. The following is a transcript of what we imagine was said in that private conversation. Capello: Andy -- what are you drinking?! Carroll: What? Water! Capello: That looks like beer! You drink too much beer! Carroll: No -- look, see, it's clear -- it's water, I swear. I finished all the beer before training. Capello: Andy, tell me. How often do you drink beer? Carroll: I don't know. Maybe seven, eight days a week. Capello: That's what I thought. And when you drink, how many beers do you drink? Carroll: Um. How much beer fits in a bathtub? Like, one of the big ones. Capello: Andy, you must stop this. You must drink less. Carroll: Haha...

Manchester City put together a little video of Carlos Tevez and David Silva trying to show off their skills, so Tevez naturally started things off by jumping on kit man Les "Chappy" Chapman's back and riding him to the ground. Credit to Chappy for laughing his way through it, though, because Carlos Tevez jumping on you like some kind of giant rabid squirrel seems like it would be the stuff of nightmares. Chappy did come close to getting his revenge later when he nearly kicked the ball in Tevez's face, but that probably just sparked another round of Carlos imitating the Ultimate Warrior. David Silva, meanwhile, just smiled and remained quietly awesome as per usual.

More than 3,000 people watched the live internet stream of Chad Ochocinco's appearance in Sporting KC's reserve match against Premier Development League side Kansas City Brass and, as expected, wasn't mistaken for Lionel Messi. But that was never the point of this little adventure. Ochocinco played the last 30-plus minutes of the match on the wing for the Sporting KC reserves and didn't do much of note. His crosses were off target, his attempts to muscle past defenders were largely unsuccessful and his overall tentativeness kept him from making an impact despite a good number of touches. By the end, he looked tired and spent, but he clearly enjoyed every second of the experience. After the match, Chad spoke with the humble honesty and appreciation that he's had throughout his time in Kansas City. From the AP : "I've been away from the game since I was a little kid," [Ochocinco] said. "I'm just having fun. The skill set is not there like it sho...

Schweini ridin' dirty. As the international break rambles on, it seems even the national teams themselves are having a hard time finding ways to keep from slipping into comas. That, combined with corporate obligations just might be why the German squad took a trip to a safe driving training course and drove some cars from team sponsor Mercedes-Benz on Monday. Let's see how super fun that was... They got to play with walkie-talkies, too?!?! This might have been the best day ever. "Roger, 10-4. I'm riding shotgun with ComingKlose and we got ourselves a convoy." Oh no! Michael Ballack slicked the road! Lu-Lu-Lu Lukas Podolski fist pumps as he listens to his theme song . Thomas Muller continues to make his case for becoming our next...The Continental. And then he did this. In the end, Tim Wiese won the driving competition (and a video game, it appears), Bastian Schweinsteiger finished second (he got a miniature car) and Captain ThumbsUp finished third (not sure what ...

A 17-year-old fan of Colombian side Cucuta Deportivo was shot dead while playing in a neighborhood park on Saturday -- allegedly by hired assassins. So on Sunday, his fellow members of the Barra del Indio fan group took a coffin supposedly filled with his corpse to the club's match against Envigado. Seriously. Welcome to the hardcore world of South American football. From Colombia Reports : After his wake, friends from "Barra del Indio" took the cadaver from the funeral home and paraded it around and then into the stadium in an attempt to pay homage to the slain soccer fan. The medic for the soccer club, Julio Rivera, told the press, "They don't let in the "barras" (fanatics) but yes, a cadaver. This is the only part of the world where this has happened." Colonel Alvaro Pico, a local police [official] said that the boy's death had nothing to do with his love for the soccer team rather it was a consequence of criminal actions in the area w...

With many of his players out on international duty, Jose Mourinho decided to put on the goalkeeper's gloves and show why he's known as The Special One for his managerial ability instead of his playing ability. The training ground match pitted a team of Real Madrid's coaching staff and employees against a squad comprised of Jose's enemies in the press. According to AS, Mourinho -- whose father earned one cap for the Portuguese national team as a goalkeeper -- made a few good saves, but couldn't keep the press from winning 3-2. When one member of the media slotted a penalty kick past him (1:14 into the video above), you could almost see his invincible self-confidence deflate a bit after he belly flopped onto the grass in his attempt to make the save. But in the end, he knew everything would be okay once everyone returned to their usual positions and he could resume outwitting the media every time they ask him a question.

Well hello there. I see you've caught me getting swarmed by my many overjoyed young fans. It's like I'm being mauled by a pack of hormonal bear cubs drunk on my Berba-brilliance. Ha-HA! ... No, this young lady does not mistakenly think I played the Archy character in Guy Ritchie's 2008 film, RocknRolla. She seems quite certain that she is about to receive the debonair pen strokes of Manchester United's greatest ever goal scorer. ... Ha-HA! No, not Bobby Charlton. He's just an old man who rides on the plan with us. I am of course referring to an erotic gentleman that is me. I realize this scene is probably making you incredibly jealous right now, but this is simply what I do during international breaks now that I'm retired from the Bulgarian national team. I go out in public, wearing my shades and a sensually large-cuffed shirt, and I sign autographs while holding an orange cloth and not wearing any pants. Ha-HA! ... Yes, I'm sure the police will soon arr...

The French national team apparently didn't have a real net for their training ground game of football tennis and I'm sure Franck Ribery now regrets deciding to play with metal fencing instead. He probably also regrets falling on said metal fencing. Maybe he did just fall, but it almost looks like he was pushed by some invisible force looking to get even with the noted prankster. That invisible force's name? Luca Toni. Video via 101gg

Remember when a remorseful Mario Balotelli admitted to Italian national team manager Cesare Prandelli last week that he " needs help "? Well, it seems he still needs it. Or he was just joking. According to The People and Soccernet, Balotelli threw darts in the direction of Man City youth team players through a first floor window at the club's training complex because he was "bored." Thankfully, nobody was hurt by Mario boredom and the club told Soccernet that they view the dart throwing as "a misguided prank rather than a serious transgression." Still, a club spokesman also said that, "The matter will be dealt with internally." And by that they mean Ashley Cole will be brought in to shoot him with an air rifle . Photo: AP

It's been a minute since Zlatan Ibrahimovic last attacked one of his teammates at AC Milan. First, there was the time he kicked Rodney Strasser in the back for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Then, he tried to kick the ball out of Robinho's shirt during a goal celebration. Then, there was the infamous training ground fight between him and Oguchi Onyewu. Maybe he grew bored of picking on his club teammates, so as Sweden prepare for their Euro qualifier against Moldova on Tuesday, he decided to turn his training ground assaults on his international brethren. While talking with Christian Wilhelmsson during a training session, Zlatan casually took a seat. Seconds later, something snapped and Zlatan jumped up to deliver a stinging kick to Wilhelmsson's backside. Clearly surprised by this, Wilhelmsson charged back at Ibra, but stopped short of getting retribution and merely nudged Zlatan's thigh with his boot. So what the funk is wrong with Ibra? Who knows. But it might b...

During Friday's Euro 2012 qualifier between Spain and the Czech Republic, Milan Baros, who apparently did not cease to exist on the Czech team once I stopped playing the World Cup 2006 video game, had a bit of trouble seeing what was right in front of him. After chesting down a Petr Cech goal kick, Baros had no idea where the ball went. Panic set in as he looked in every direction like a lost child in the mall. Finally, he realized it had been resting right at his feet the whole time, so he made a doomed break toward goal that Spain promptly launched back the other way. In the end, Spain won 2-1 thanks to a David Villa brace and Milan Baros probably went to bed early.

It seems Chad Ochocinco's " don't cut me " plea at the end of his second day with Sporting KC worked (either that or the fact that he bought dinner for the team later that night), at least temporarily. On Friday, Sporting KC manager Peter Vermes asked Chad to extend his four-day trial so he could play in a reserve match on Monday. Chad, of course, eagerly agreed. Vermes explains the decision in the video above, stating that the reason his trial was extended wasn't so much because he's been amazing on the pitch -- though he has improved each day. It's really because he's a gentleman and a super nice guy -- exactly the opposite of how those jerkholes in the media portray him. So now Ocho's footy dream will carry on through the weekend a culminate in a run-out during a reserve match. And if the free press and equally free dinners keep coming, maybe even longer than that.

The head of mechanical and industrial engineering at Qatar University announced plans this week to develop an " artificial cloud " that will be positioned in the sky to provide shade and help reduce the heat in stadiums for the 2022 World Cup. The incredible plan has made news around the world with many wondering how Qatar University could come up with such a fantastical concept. Well, they didn't. The Simpson did. In the legendary two-part 1995 episode entitled " Who Shot Mr. Burns? " nefarious power plant owner C. Montgomery Burns devises a plan to create a giant shield that will block the sun and keep Springfield in perpetual darkness. Springfield's wacky residents soon turn on Mr. Burns and the mystery of his shooting ensues. So, as Globoesporte points out , while Qatar may have added their own twist by making the artificial cloud remote controlled, the core idea is clearly ripped from a 16-year-old cartoon. Even the idea of ripping off this idea isn...

It's been a while since we last saw a DTotD from the next generation of footballers. Maybe today's youth simply aren't as violent on the pitch as the professionals of the world? Maybe the future of football will be kinder and gentler? I mean, this clip starts out nice enough. The kid in green takes the ball off the kid in red with ease. And just when it appears green is about to pass the ball -- BAM! -- the kid in red hauls off and punches him the face from behind. That's not a foul, that's an assault. Seriously, that kid should be in jail right now. Nigel De Jong watched this clip, gasped at the horror of it, then vomited all over himself. So what does the future of football look like? Ultraviolent. No one is safe.

Umbro recently gave DT and a few other blogs the opportunity to ask Chelsea and newly re-named England captain John Terry a few questions as he prepares for Saturday's Euro 2012 qualifier against Wales. The following are the questions I asked along with John's answers. When on England duty and holed up in the team hotel, which of your teammates is the most fun to have around and why? "Obviously Wayne has always got some good banter around the changing room, and he's always buzzing around, he can't sit still! You can be half way through a film and then he'll come in and you won't be able to watch the rest of it! He's always looking to get involved in the banter, and he's one of the funniest." Wayne Rooney not being able to sit still really isn't surprising at all, is it? But now I'm curious how Wayne makes it impossible to watch the rest of a film once he comes in. Does he smash the screen with a cricket bat? Does he stand in front ...

More relaxed and already showing signs of improvement on the pitch, Chad Ochocinco returned for day two of four with Sporting Kansas City on Thursday. Enlisting Teal Bunbury and Kevin Ellis as expert witnesses to sing his praises for him, Ocho seems to have already taken over KC despite his repeated sweary references to "eating humble pie" and needing more than just athletic prowess to adapt to the game. When the video shows highlights of his better crosses, Chad honestly admits it was pretty much all luck. "I'm not gonna sit here and be like, one day I just got crosses now. No. The one f***ing cross was lucky," he said, cracking up his temporary teammates. As Chad says, he's not delusional and he's trying to make that clear between the giggles. And as if making friends, cracking jokes and bring all that sweet, sweet media attention weren't enough, Chad even announced that he would be taking the whole out to dinner. "The bill is on me," he ...

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-winning Dirty Tackle... A lot of sites are saying this just happened, but it's actually from an adidas event in Vancouver two years ago. Still, Zidane bein' Zidane. And the apology afterwards was a nice touch. [ 101gg ] Giveaway: Pele Sports gear up for grabs. [ The Beautiful Gear ] Mario Balotelli says Retired Ronaldo can cure him. [ The Spoiler ] Real Madrid: The soap opera. [ Kickette ] Why we (secretly) love the New York Cosmos. [ MFUSA ] Harry Redknapp wouldn't sell Luka Modric even for a billion pounds. [ FourFourTwo ] The Good Men sweet 16 bracket, including our favorite bro, Landon Donovan. [ Good Men ] The pretty red shirt for the U.S. national team's new third kit. [ TBG ] Fabio Capello admits "I don't give a f*** who is England captain. [ The Gaffer ] Learning the Welsh national anthem. [ Studs Up ]

Prompted by Kolo Toure's recent failed drug test, former Spurs and Toronto FC player Rohan Ricketts decided to use his column for The Sabotage Times to claim that drug-taking among footballers is "far more common than we might think." Rohan's first revelation is a dubious, yet not at all shocking one. We still don't know whether the Manchester City player is guilty or not of intentionally taking illegal substances but it's not the first I've heard of big name players taking drugs. I've even heard about one England international who likes to take Charlie [cocaine] and go out clubbing with his partner. Oh, you've heard, have you, Rohan? Well that settles it. Then again, I could just as easily say I've heard of one former Spurs player who does a fistful of mescaline before every match. Which is why he now plays for SV Wilhelmshaven in the German fourth division. Rohan's most sweeping allegation is reserved for MLS, though -- where he play...

Start screaming like you're an audience member at the Oprah show because I've got something awesome for you, my friends. Thanks to the astoundingly generous people at adidas, Dirty Tackle is giving away perhaps the coolest bit of swag we've ever had -- Lionel Messi autographed adidas F50 adiZero Prime boots. Now, before we go any further and you start convulsing and/or foaming at the mouth, here's how to ensure you have a chance at winning these beauties: All you have to do is "like" Dirty Tackle on Facebook before next Friday (March 31). While you're there, you should also check out the adidas soccer page and upload your game face for a chance to be in an ad that will run during the Mtv Movie Awards. So get to it. With that out of the way, I had a chance to talk to adidas director of soccer Antonio Zea about the new F50 adiZero synthetic and the F50 adiZero Prime boots. He told me that these boots don't feature any real differences to previous F50...

I remember, way back when I was little, making clouds in school for a science experiment. They didnt cost $500,000 a puff. Very little does, unless an anti-doping agency is knocking for the ominous post-game pee test. Of course, they werent trying to save a World Cup, either, which is what Qatari scientists have offered as yet another solution to the oppressive summer heat in the Middle Easts summer. Real, traditional football, fake clouds. Qatar officials say they will air condition the stadiums via solar power and now scientists at Qatar University have designed the cloud, which can be produced at a cost of $500,000 (309,000) each. Saud Abdul Ghani, the head of the mechanical and industrial engineering department, told Gulf News the clouds are made from a lightweight carbon structure carrying a giant envelope of material containing helium gas. Four solar powered engines move the structure via remote control. The supposed structure: Now cue another epic, possibly corrupt, bidding proc...

Nothing about this picture looks right. Hannover 96 are enjoying a splendid season in the Bundesliga, currently sitting third in the table. One of the secrets to their success has been a machine that helps keep the club's players with back problems, like Didier Konan Ya (pictured above), healthy. A machine called a "Melting Dome." Which, admittedly, doesn't sound like something you'd want to put humans in. It's also called a "back toaster," but that doesn't sound much better. Anyway, according to Bild , the machine was first used in the Bundesliga by FC Cologne to treat Lu-Lu-Lu Lukas Podolski and is now a regular part of Hannover 96 players' daily routines. They typically spend 20-30 minutes in the heated tube to treat the muscles and deep tissue. Says physio Ralf Blume: "It is sort of a one-person sauna. This creates a heat build up that purifies the body. This gives the players a lot less back problems than before." Sounds won...

Upon arrival in Kansas City on Tuesday for his four-day media frenzy/ super serious MLS trial , Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocino tweeted , "Headed to bed with a (humble pie) in the oven on low tempature,to be able to grace the pitch with elite futbol athletes is #Epic goodnight." And after his first training session on Wednesday, Sporting KC manager Peter Vermes said the uncharacteristic trepidation implied in that message was evident when he first stepped on the practice pitch (via the AP ): "He was a little bit hesitant early on, a little bit tentative," said Vermes. "But I think now he's got a good feel for what a day goes like for us. You can see he's very coachable. I wouldn't try to make any determinations at this point." That hasn't stopped the hoards of onlookers from trying to make snap judgments, though. There were 40 members of the media on hand for the session (four times the normal amount) and the club strea...

Not long after Roberto Carlos left the more violent abuse of Corinthians fans for a big money deal with Russian side Anzhi, he's already facing the racist taunts the 2018 World Cup hosts are famous for. Before Monday's match at Zenit St. Petersburg's Petrovksy Stadium, a fan was pictured offering a half peeled banana to Roberto Carlos. Once local media published the picture after Zenit's 2-0 win, the club announced they would launch an investigation. From Reuters : "In regards to a published photo of a man making an unethical act towards Anzhi captain Roberto Carlos, Zenit officially state that the club together with the police will investigate this matter," Zenit said on their website (www.fc-zenit.ru). To his credit, the 37-year-old Brazilian legend didn't let it get to him. "I didn't get offended," the 2002 World Cup winner who joined Anzhi from Brazilian club Corinthians last month, was quoted as saying by Russian media. "In my 37 ye...

I'm Bert Tiddle and you've never heard of me. When I played for Ipswich Town in 1985, I led the fans in a chant of "Norwich City is a venereal disease!" I made that up myself and the eight drunks who joined in freaking loved it. Terry Butcher said it was in poor taste. Terry Butcher is a numpty. All these footballers are apologizing for nonsense these days and it makes me sick. What's happened to the world? There was a time when being a professional footballer was better than being God and you could do things even the almighty would get put in jail for. Now, all in one week, Newcastle players who didn't even travel with the club are forced to apologize for making a sober nightclub appearance the evening before a match and Mitchell Ballack had to do the same for screaming foreign curse words about a rival club at his own supporters. As I told Glaucoma, one of my 18 kids, while he helped me fix lunch today, this is just depressing. And you're burning the toa...

At one point during Sunday's match between Standard Liege and Germinal Beerschot, the ball flew over the advertising board along the touchline, took a bounce and smacked a little girl in the first row right in the face. While the man and woman to the right of her made weak attempts to try and deflect the ball, the guy in red to her left did nothing. He just kept his arms crossed and even moved aside slightly so the ball could have a clearer shot at her face. So then she starts to cry, because getting hit in the face is one of those things that just isn't fun for a little kid and the guy in red seems like he's just glad the ball didn't scuff up his jacket. Sure, you could assume he has no relation to her and simply lacks the common decency to protect the child next to him, but there is a chance that that's her dad and he just doesn't care for her as much as his other children.

"Guess who's back, losers!" Patrice Evra and Franck Ribery have been brought back into the French national team for Friday's Euro 2012 qualifier against Luxembourg. The pair received a combined eight match ban for their leading roles in the team's revolt at the World Cup last summer. And new manager Laurent Blanc is making it clear to them that those kinds of shenanigans will now have severe consequences. From Reuters : "They had a certain status in the France team because of their experience. They need humility to return to the group with the same status as everyone else. (If not) I will be uncompromising and will not hesitate to take radical action," said Blanc, who had overlooked Evra for last month's friendly win over Brazil despite the left back's ban ending. Radical action! This can only mean that Blanc will not hesitate to zap them with a bear taser if they show even the slightest lack of humility. Well, I guess it might also mean he could...

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-winning Dirty Tackle... Mario Balotelli couldn't put on a bib , so Man City teammate Edin Dzeko decided to mock his struggle on Sunday. I like the self-assured high five at the end of the clip. "Yeah, huh. I showed him." [ 101gg ] The new all black Brazil shirt is pretty Batman. [ The Beautiful Gear ] Pato was caught smooching the boss' daughter. [ Kickette ] Rene Higuita is running for mayor. [ BBC ] One bright spot for troubled Juventus. [ IBWM ] Michel Platini is insanely creepy. [ The Offside ] Manchester United losing while winning. [ Unprofessional Foul ] Mario Balotelli: The glorious protagonist. [ The Equaliser ] To celebrate Ronaldinho's birthday, here are some of his best moments. [ Complex ] Lehmann is starting to get to Almunia again. [ Studs Up ]

Contrary to popular belief, Michael Ballack does still occasionally play football. After one such instance last Sunday -- Bayer Leverkusen's 2-0 win over Schalke -- Ballack trudged over to the Leverkusen fans, took hold of a megaphone ( video here ) and led them in a chant that included the phrase "S*** FC Cologne!" Even though the day's match was against Schalke and not rivals Cologne. Though the Leverkusen fans obviously loved it, many other people kind of didn't. So it was time for Ballack to issue an apology on his club's official website, which went like this (via Eurosport ): "It was certainly not clever of me to shout the comments about Cologne. "This can happen in the euphoria of victory, but it should not. Therefore I have no problem apologising to the fans of Cologne and to the club." Yes, unfortunate things can be said when a 34-year-old former captain of his country is in the throws of euphoria. In fact, you should all just be hap...

Since it's an international break and nothing interesting is happening, the England captaincy is once again being over-scrutinized as it reverts back to John Terry from the injured Rio Ferdinand on a permanent basis. England manager Fabio Capello didn't speak to Rio about the change before doing it, leaving the Manchester United defender 'appalled.' The following is a transcript of how we imagine Rio finally confronted Capello on the matter. Ferdinand: Fabio. Capello: Rio! What are you doing in my money closet? You surprised me. Ferdinand: What's up, Fabs? You have anything to tell me? Capello: Um. Your hair looks nice. Ferdinand: You know what I mean -- why didn't you tell me you were giving John my armband? Capello: I have no idea what you're talking about. Ferdinand: So am I still captain of England? [Capello looks around.] Ferdinand: Say yes or no -- am I still captain of England? Capello: Yes or no. Ferdinand: Wow. I am going to merk you so h...

This is just embarrassing. Racing Club de Ferrol's Rafa Casanova took as shot to the eye from his own teammate during a group hug to celebrate a goal in their Spanish fourth division match. It was a pretty hearty blow right to the eye from an oblivious later comer to the celebration and it sent Casanova to the ground. Even stranger is the fact that Casanova had to be taken off on a stretcher. I'm not sure how getting hit in the face would make your legs not work, but that was apparently the case for Rafa.

"Hi there. You can call me Harry Pain." Jens Lehmann appeared for England's training at London Colney, which Arsenal also use, on Tuesday. So why was he there during an international break? Well, he probably just needed to do a bit of extra training to get fit after coming out of retirement, especially now that he could soon replace Manuel Almunia as the starter. Or maybe he figured that since he already rejoined Arsenal, perhaps he could get in with the England squad, too. Who knows, it's Jens Lehmann -- the one person Ashley Cole most definitely should NOT shoot with an air rifle. Photo: Getty Images

Last Saturday, Newcastle lost 4-0 to Stoke. The night before, the injured pair of Stephen Ireland and Leon Best, along with reserve player Stephen Folan had their picture taken in a nightclub that was later posted on Facebook. Even though none of the three were to play against Stoke, this revelation still offended the club and a number of supporters. And, oddly enough, not because they all posed for the photo like The Situation from Jersey Shore. According to the players, their Friday night at the Tup Tup Palace nightclub (awesome name, by the way) in Newcastle was brief and did not include the consumption of delicious alcohol. On Monday, Ireland and Best even put out an apology on Newcastle's official website : "Although we had both been ruled out of the game at Stoke, and didn't travel with the team, we realise that going out to a bar was inappropriate ahead of Saturday's game and we fully regret doing so. "We were asked to have our photograph taken and we re...

Between his hair, his tenacity and his unexpected goal scoring, but David Luiz has done more than enough to endear himself to his new club. And now we find out that even his limited English is fantastically charming. In an interview with Chelsea TV after his spectacular goal against Man City, Luiz was asked (through personal translator Paulo Ferreira) how his English lessons were going and if he could give a message, in English, to Chelsea fans. He smiled, looked a little embarrassed, and quietly said, "I love football. I love...Chelsea." Of course, we all know that Luiz is secretly fluent in English and sounds remarkably similar to Kelsey Grammer when plotting against Bart Simpson, but the quiet young man who only knows how to say "I love" routine is still quite effective. Meanwhile, Fernando Torres would like to tell all Chelsea fans while he isn't scoring goals at the moment, he can speak English and he'd be more than happy to wash their cars or do just a...

You may not have thought it possible, but it seems Mario Balotelli has realized that he is prone to astonishingly dumb behavior. First, he issued a public apology for the high boot on Goran Popov that got him sent off in the second leg of Manchester City's doomed Europa League tie against Dynamo Kiev last week. And now, after getting left off the Italian national team squad for their upcoming friendlies due to that violation of their code of ethics, he's admitted to national team manager Cesare Prandelli that he has a problem. From Football Italia : "I have heard from Balotelli," said Prandelli. "He understands that he made a fool of himself. "He said to me: 'I need help. I always ruin everything but I care a lot about the national team.' Maybe it was Roberto Mancini calling him stupid. Maybe it was his epic struggle to put on a bib . Who knows what made Mario realize he's hit rock bottom. This is the first step to eradicating his ill-advised...

Luiz Adriano probably doesn't remember much from Sunday's match between Shakhtar Donetsk and Volyn. Early in the second half, Adriano took the full, terrible force of goalkeeper Vitaliy Nedilko's knee to his face. But instead of immediately checking to see if the guy he just smashed in the head was still alive, Nedilko got up to excitedly show the ref his hands. The ref, however, was more concerned with the guy on the ground whose nose is now an innie. Video via 101gg

"What stinks? Oh yeah -- the Europa League." Bayern Munich are sitting in fourth place in the Bundesliga, just outside the third and final Champions league qualification spot, and they're starting to freak out about the possibility of missing Champions League play next season. First, Arjen Robben spoke up and declared the Europa League the worst thing of all-time ever. From Reuters : "I cannot imagine that (playing in the Europa League)," the 27-year-old Dutch international, who has played 52 games in the Champions League with PSV Eindhoven, Chelsea, Real Madrid and Bayern, told Bild newspaper. "That is the worst that can happen. I think it is better if you don't play in it at all," said Robben, who has a contract with the German champions until 2013. Robben was involved in both Bayern's goals but an 88th- minute strike enabled Inter to win 3-2 and snatch qualification on the away goals rule. "Even winning the Europa League would not mean ...