DT Exclusive: How Capello told Andy Carroll to drink less beer

Speaking to the press ahead of England's friendly against Ghana, Fabio Capello mentioned how he had a discussion with Andy Carroll about the young striker's beer consumption. "I spoke with him privately. I think not only Andy likes to drink beer. Not only Andy. He needs to improve, to drink less," said Capello. The following is a transcript of what we imagine was said in that private conversation.

Capello: Andy -- what are you drinking?!

Carroll: What? Water!

Capello: That looks like beer! You drink too much beer!

Carroll: No -- look, see, it's clear -- it's water, I swear. I finished all the beer before training.

Capello: Andy, tell me. How often do you drink beer?

Carroll: I don't know. Maybe seven, eight days a week.

Capello: That's what I thought. And when you drink, how many beers do you drink?

Carroll: Um. How much beer fits in a bathtub? Like, one of the big ones.

Capello: Andy, you must stop this. You must drink less.

Carroll: Hahaha why?

Capello: Because it is not good!

Carroll: Actually, I quite like, boss. I think it's delicious.

Capello: See -- this is because of Kenny Dalglish. He is a bad influence on you! I see him taking you to depraved Boyzone concerts. Writhing around in your seats next t! o middle -aged women!

Carroll: OK, yeah, I admit that was pretty freaky. I think one of those ladies did something weird with my ponytail after I blacked out.

Capello: So you will stop drinking the beer?

Carroll: Depends. What can I drink instead?

Capello: Appletinis are nice. Zima, maybe.

Carroll: Zima? What's Zima?

Capello: Here, you try.

[Carroll chugs a warm Zima]

Carroll: Oh God! It tastes like fizzy water that an old man gargled with after taking out his teeth!

Capello: Yes. It's nice, isn't it? You will stop drinking beer now?

Carroll: Fine. But I'm not drinking that. I'll just stick to whiskey and vodka.

Capello: Excellent. Very wise decision, Andy. Very wise.