DT Exclusive: Lehmanns talk with Arsenal about a return

Retired crazy person Jens Lehmann seems set on returning to Arsenal as emergency cover for their injury-depleted group of goalkeepers. In 2008, Manuel Almunia said he was convinced that Lehmann hated him. Now, Lehmann says he would be happy to support the Spaniard. The following is a transcript of Lehmann's comeback conversation with Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger.

Wenger: Jens, thank you for coming.

Lehmann: Ha ha ha. Please. Call me Harry Pain.

Wenger: What?

Lehmann: Nothing. Continue speaking to me.

Wenger: Well, as you know, we are in dire need of another goalkeeper. And since you are available, you know Arsenal so well and every other available goalkeeper has mysteriously disappeared within the last 72 hours, we immediately thought of you.

Lehmann: Thank you, Mr. Wenger. Fabregas will surely cry tears of self-pity if I come back and tear the captain's armband from his weak child arm. Ha ha ha!

Wenger: Eh...actually, Jens, you would not return as the captain. You would return as a backup to Almunia.

Lehmann: Silly me. But that is just fine. I would experience giddy delig! ht sitti ng on the bench and watching Almunia. Waiting for him to crumble under the pressure of my stare and covert practical jokes that will surely deteriorate his weak mind within a few days. If he wears glasses I will steal them! I will also impregnate his dog! Ha ha ha!

Wenger: No, Jens, please -- this brings me to my next point. If we do bring you back, you must promise to not act like a lunatic. Can you do that?

Lehmann: I don't understand what you are saying to me.

Wenger: You can't act like a person who is insane.

Lehmann: That combination of words does not make sense.

Wenger: You can't steal fans' eyeglasses outside the stadium. You can't urinate behind the advertisements during matches. You can't hide opponents' boots. You can't fight with the ball boys. You basically can't do anything that Jens Lehmann would do.

Lehmann: Ha ha ha! Of course not. Who do you think I am, Jens Lehmann? Gaze into my eyes and listen to me, Mr. Wenger. I am honored that you would consider bringing me back and I can assure you that with my help, Arsenal will beat Manchester United to the title and all of your other players will wet their beds out of eternal fear every night.

Wenger: I like the part about winning the title. I'm not sure about the bed-wetting part.

Lehmann: We can worry about that when it happens. Now. You must sign me.

Wenger: The way you're smiling at me makes me feel very uncomfortable, but you've made a number of excellent points. I don't see how this could possibly go wrong.

Photo: Getty Images