Dimitar Berbatov isThe Continental

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me squatting over a ball. Do you find this arousing? Because it is. ... I will assume you're gagging because of an unrelated matter that has absolutely nothing to do with my squatting, my widow's peak or my pungent aroma that may or may not be related to the mayonnaise I slathered on myself earlier. Here's a Berba-secret: It is related to the mayonnaise. Ha-HA!

Why am I doing this? ... I know you didn't ask that, but if you weren't still gagging, I fantasize that you would. Well, the answer is that I'm doing it because it's my job now. Yes, since I am Manchester United's greatest and most sensual player ever, I lead the Premier League in goals and I've trained Chicharito a.k.a. Little Berba in the art of scoring in 37 seconds both on and off the pitch, Sir Ferguson has given The Berba the most important job at the club -- keeping the balls warm during training. Not only is it highly erotic, but it gives me a chance to see just how much better I am than all the other footballers at this club. Ha-HA!

No, this isn't a made up position intended to distract me while Little Berba steals my place in the starting XI. Without warm balls, no one can play the game. ... Yes, even in May. Now, perhaps you'd like to come a little closer and do your gagging while The Berba warms you up as well...

Oh-OHHH! One of the Brazilian clone boys just kicked a ball before I was able to warm it! Oh, this is horrible. Everything is ruined. If we lose the Premier League and/or the Champions League final because of that, I will refuse to clap for either of them I will belittle them with my laughter from the bench. Ha-HA!

Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of...The Continental...

Photo: Reuters