Soccer Sorcery

Like former Manchester United teammate Roy Keane , Notts County manager Paul Ince has had enough for these modern footballers and their various wearable atrocities. After warning a group of snood-wearing hoodlums to get off his lawn, the 43-year-old launched into full-on rant mode. From the BBC : "Back in my time, and I sound old now, it was black and white boots and that was it," the Notts County boss told Midlands Late Kick Off. "Now you've got snoods, people wearing headphones when they are doing interviews, which I find disrespectful, pink boots, green boots, you name it they've got it, tights - they'll be wearing skirts next." Clearly that's the natural progression. Headphones, colored boots and accessories to help players keep warm lead directly to cross-dressing. They'll be trading lipstick instead of shirts after matches by the end of the season. "You try to bring your kids up the right way and I think somewhere down the line manager...

In the 40th minute of Lazio and Cagliari's 0-0 match on Sunday, Lazio defender Andre Dias generously offered his clumsy assistance to Robert Acquafresca's off target shot. The ball was clearly destined to go wide, but Dias spastically ushered it into his own empty net. It was especially generous considering the match would end 1-0 in Cagliari's favor. In the wake of the unsporting behavior in the Foggia v Gela match that led to a gang fight, it's nice to see footballers are still willing to help out their opponents from time to time. Still, it's amazing Lazio goalkeeper Tommaso Berni was willing to help Dias up out of the net instead of slapping his hand away and covering him in used needles. Video via The Original Winger

Udinese embarrassed Palermo with a 7-0 drubbing on Sunday (Fabrizio Miccoli's pants and body language said it all) and despite Palermo fans' recent petition begging owner Maurizio Zamparini to keep manager Delio Rossi, this marked the end for the gaffer. The sack-happy Zamparini has been itching to cut ties with Rossi like a junkie on a church retreat and immediately after the match, he made it clear whom he blamed. From Football Italia : Rossi has a one per cent chance of staying on the bench, you can bet on that, blasted Zamparini on Sky Sport Italia. The team has been completely destroyed. He ruined my Palermo. Rossi has destroyed this squad." "I'll think it over tonight and at most tomorrow morning, but I am seriously considering handing the side to the youth team Coach. I should've kicked Rossi out at Christmas." That one per cent might have given Rossi a sliver of hope, but on Monday, Zamparini snuffed it out by handing the job to former Livorno m...

Well hello there. I see you've caught me preparing for this week's match against Chelsea. ... Yes, I prepare for big matches by flashing my chest at attractive women and sitting in front of a mirror and a painting of a fat horse. Does this excite you? Because it should. Ha-HA! ... You are, of course, correct. Other footballers actually train before big matches, but as the greatest goal scorer in Manchester United's history, The Berba doesn't require such silly exertions. I do, however, require cuddles from you. Before you roll your eyes again and spray me with the bear mace I know you carry in your bum bag, you should know that if you agree to touch me, I will mention you when I am presented with the Premier League trophy, the Golden Boot award and the nude statue of me that will be built outside Old Trafford. I can't promise I'll get your name right because there are so many Berba-babes that I have come into erotic contact with over the years, but- ... No, I wo...

The match between Lega Pro Primo Divisione B sides Foggia and Gela over the weekend proved that no good deed goes unpunished and that the punishment for that good deed will start a massive fight. With Gela up 2-1 late in the match, a Foggia played went down with an injury, so Gela did the gentlemanly thing and kicked the ball out of play so he could be treated. Well, the non-injured Foggia players saw this as an opportunity, so they immediately threw the ball back in and launched a quick attack on goal, which, after a bit of fancy footwork, resulted in an equalizer. As soon as the ball hit the back of the net, instantly irate Gela attacked the Foggia players, sparking a bench-clearing fight that stopped the match with only a few minutes left to play. And that's how sportsmanship died.

It is time to weep the tears of unfathomable joy and confusion, my friends! The angels have answered our pleas and bestowed upon us yet another glorious installment of Andrei/ey Arshavin's ongoing Q&A experiment with the wacky readers of his official website . In the many months since we last plunged into the depths of the weird and accidentally brilliant last November , there has been despair and nervous questioning as to whether this ahead of its time series would continue. Well it is. So lets all take an aspirin and get back in it. 2. From Vladislav23 Andrey, when are you going to have another masterpiece of a goal? I want to make a stake on a goal. P.S. They are all your masterpieces =) AA : Hopefully, in February. Well, by Vladislav23's standards, Andrei was certainly right. He even knew the exact day, hour, and even minute it would happen, but he felt like typing a =) instead of all that. 3. From Trellis Hi Andrey, I'm a Chinese woman. I have many questions, bec...

Ronaldinho expertly curled a 71st minute free kick just inside the post to give Flamengo a 1-0 win over Boavista and the club's 19th Guanabara Cup (the first stage of the Rio de Janeiro state championship). Even more fun than his goal was the conga line celebration he organized right after, which was just flat-out hilarious. Here's your new computer background... Photo: Reuters

Arsenal's Twitter trashing-talking goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny and saboteur defender Laurent Koscielny capped off a slapstick end to the 2011 Carling Cup final and gave Birmingham's supposedly 26-year-old Obafemi Martins an 89th minute winner on an empty net ( see it here ). So Arsenal's six-year stretch without a trophy marches on as Birmingham win their first major (well, relatively major) trophy since the last time they won this competition in 1963. As if that wasn't painful enough for the North London club, Martins poured salt on his finger then stuck it in Arsenal's open wound by saying (via Soccernet ): [O]n-loan Rubin Kazan player Martins admitted afterwards on Sky Sports : "I think this is the easiest goal I've ever scored in my career - and it's very important. I'm glad I scored today and I'm glad we won. I think it was my second touch. I'm very happy." That's Obafemi Martins saying Arsenal gave him the easiest goal of ...

Borussia Dortmund manager Jurgen Klopp's glasses could not withstand the group hug after his side's 3-1 win over Bayern Munich on Saturday. But beating Bayern away and having a 13-point lead over second place kept his smiling through the prospect of having to wear his ugly old back-up glasses for the next few days. Prior to the match, Bayern's electric scooter riding president Uli Hoeness predicted the exact opposite of what actually happened. From FIFA.com : "(Against Dortmund), I expect a clear victory. I can totally rule out a draw or a defeat. We are the better team and Dortmund have no chance against us, and that is that. We will win by two goals." That's just...wow. Making predictions is a fool's game for an audience of suckers, but this is something to behold. I mean, Uli couldn't have been more wrong if he tried. Even if he declared the match would be abandoned due to the arrival of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse on racist unicorns, he wo...

According to the News of the World, the worst publication in the history of humankind, Ashley Cole has joined the grand tradition of footballers shooting people with air rifles. The report, which, again, comes from the News of the World -- a paper that has previously had to pay 100,000 in damages to Cole for falsely reporting that he took part in a gay orgy -- says that he accidently shot a Chelsea intern in the side with a .22 caliber air rifle at Chelsea's Cobham training ground last Sunday. Still, the News of the World is billing this as " Ashley Cole SHOOTS Chelsea teenager " and a " gun horror " even though the intern he shot is 21 years old and didn't die. From Soccernet : A source told the News of the World: [...] "Ashley pulled the rifle from a box and started larking about with it in the changing room, not realising it was loaded. It ended up pointed at Tom just five feet away. "The gun went off with a loud pop and Tom screamed as this ...

A couple weeks ago, Schalke manager Felix Magath started a Facebook page as a way to try and reconnect with the club's fans in what has been a disappointing season so far. On Saturday, the fans showed off a banner with a feature they think his page is missing -- the thumbs down "Don't Like" button -- as Schalke extended their winless streak to three matches with a 1-1 draw against Nuremberg. This could mark the beginning of the end for Magath and it could give Mark Zuckerberg inspiration to make Facebook a much more honest and vengeful place. Photo: Reuters

AHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK: 1. AHHHHHHHHHHHH -- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2. OLYMPIAKOS FANS TEARING DOWN GOALS UNLEASHING FIREBALLS AND ATTACKING PLAYERS AFTER A WIN -- HOW COULD YOU BE SO CRUEL!?!?!???!?!?!?! MAKING MY DREAMS COME TRUE AND NOT INVITING ME TO TAKE PART IS INCREDIBLY MEAN AND DISHEARTENING!!!!!!!!!!! IF I WAS A PANATHINAIKOS PLAYER I WOULD HAVE FOUGHT YOUR FIREBALLS WITH A SERIES OF ROUNDHOUSE KICKS SO POWERFUL THAT THEY WOULD HAVE MADE YOU ILLITERATE!!!!!!!!!! 3. RONALDO WEARING DIAPERS IN 1999 -- THIS IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF!!!!!!!! SOMETIMES THE THINGS PEOPLE INGEST WHETHER IT'S XENICAL OR GALLONS OF PAINT THINNER OR BOTH MIXED WITH CHARCOAL AND PASTA SAUCE MAKE THEM LOSE CONTROL OF THEIR BOWELS!!!!!!!!!!! IT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE ALMOST CONSTANTLY!!!!!!!!! AND IF YOU SAY IT DOESN'T I WILL QUICKLY CHANGE THE SUBJECT TO HOW STUPID YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!! 4. CORN -- I WAS READING A ...

I have no idea what's going on here I don't think the kids in the video know either, but whatever it is, I find it hilarious. This is the league Mark van Bommel dreams of playing in one day. Between the body checks, the gang assaults, kids getting rammed into doors and walls, it's pretty much an amateur referee's nightmare. So watch and revel in the recklessness of Norwegian youth.

Thursday night, in an event space on Mulberry Street in New York City, the group in possession of the legendary Cosmos crest had a party. Their Umbro merchandise was on display along with their old NASL trophies under the words "Welcome to Cosmos Country." There were hipsters, there were fashiony fashion people, there was a guy who looked like Rob Zombie (but wasn't), and there were even a few people interested in football. All of which were mostly dudes. Among the first of the odd collection of guests to appear in the room, as DJ Soul pumped the jams in front of a wall of classic Cosmos photos and video clips, was MLS president Mark Abbott , scoping the scene put on by the group hoping to join his outfit in two years. Unfortunately, he didn't breakdance. He just kind of stood there. Honorary president Pele wasn't there. Eric Cantona -- the man with the title of "director of soccer" for a group working towards getting an actual team and whose image loome...

Brazil has produced many great footballing showman over the years, so it only seems natural that they produce a visionary in the art of inappropriate physio gymnastics like this man. Every time a Comercial player went down in their Copa do Brazil match against Palmeiras, the team's medic, "Bomba," would come sprinting out with his bag of tricks and just before attending to to the writhing player, he would do a cartwheel. He did this three times. Each time, the fans called for him to do it and gave a big cheer when he did. Perhaps this shows he was more concerned with entertaining the fans than helping the injured players or perhaps it shows his Patch Adams approach to his work. Either way, this could become something young aspiring medics around the world watch and try to emulate, bringing that Brazilian flair to a new facet of the game. Video via 101gg

When Marek Hamsik scored in the 18th minute to give Napoli a lead and an away goal against Villarreal in their Europa League match on Thursday, he celebrated in front of his side's traveling fans. And the first few rows of those traveling fans took an unexpected trip to join him on the pitch when a barrier broke, sending them tumbling to the ground like a waterfall of bodes. Scenes like this conjure flashbacks to tragedies past, but thankfully only a few people suffered relatively minor injuries in the group tumble and most climbed back up to watch Villarreal score two goals just before halftime to win 2-1. Since the first leg ended 0-0, Villarreal advance, dumping Napoli from the Europa League like their fans from that stand. So, in a way, this incident was really just a bit of foreshadowing.

Of all the many things accounted for in the bid for Polkraine 2012, they probably didnt include having to consider, or being asked for, a stand exclusively for gay and lesbian football fans. Thats changing . A movement of sorts has erupted in Poland to allow a gay fan club their own special stand at Polkraine 2012. But other gay rights activists criticized the proposal Wednesday, saying it would single gay fans out and put them at greater risk. Teczowa Trybuna 2012, or Rainbow Stand 2012, calls itself the first gay fan club for Polands national team. It says on its website that its members fear aggression from other fans and want to feel safe during the championship in Poland and neighboring Ukraine. During trips to matches of our beloved clubs we unfortunately are often faced with unpleasantness, harassment and violence from the real fans, it said. We dream of being able to relax in the standswe cant imagine not being at the Euro 2012 matches, which will be held in our country! Hardl...

Mario Gomez scored a late goal to give Bayern Munich a 1-0 lead over Inter going back to Germany for the second leg of their Champions League tie on Wednesday. It wasn't exactly revenge for last season's Champions League final as some have declared, because, you know, there is still a second leg to play. Yet, Inter goalkeeper Julio Cesar is taking it rough. He's blaming himself for allowing Gomez the chance and, like a sad Charlie Brown, he decided to walk home from the San Siro after the match. From Reuters : Media reports said the Brazilian left his car in the SanSiro car park and walked the short distance home having alreadyapologised to fans and team mates for failing to cling onto theball before Mario Gomez scored in the last minute. "A bad night can happen," Inter president Massimo Morattitold reporters on Thursday after the repeat of last year'sfinal. "Julio Cesar has performed so many miracles in the past." OK, so it sounds like he didn...

Pictured: St. Pauli's accounting division. St. Pauli are in a bit of a predicament at the moment. A rash of injuries have left them thin in defense and desperate for people they can put in a kit. So, instead of making an unsigned and desperate footballer's dream come true, they've decided to look within the club for someone they can put in the squad for Saturday's match against Hannover 96. More specifically, they decided to look at their media department. From the Guardian : Hauke Brckner, 30, who works as a press officer for the alternative Hamburg club and has played for the Under-23 team, received a call from the coach, Holger Stanislawski, who told him to turn up at training "in one hour". "Against Hannover we only have four fit defenders so it makes sense to bring in Hauke," Stanislawski said. Brckner, who played 10 games in Germany's second division in the 2002-03 season, said his new team-mates were surprised to see him. "When I walk...

Theo Walcott Why do I always have to get hurt? ... Maybe I should go play in Spain or something. ... At least Cesc and Robin hang out with me in the physio's room. They're nice. ... I wish Arsene would just agree to let me replace my body with a stainless steel exoskeleton, complete with assault rifles, a stereo that plays the Karate Kid soundtrack on a loop and a Stoke defense system. That would be awesome. ... Oh well, just means more time to write my children's books. I'm coming for you, J.K. Rowling. Watch out for my stretcher... Christian Gimenez I've seen enough Jean Claude Van Damme films to realize that this will not end well for me. ... Monaco Forever was the best... Pato The shirt -- the shirt is attacking me! ... This is awful! ... Why is van Bommel cheering it on?! ... God, that guy is a turd! ... This shirt is an intelligent adversary. It has successfully disabled both my head and my hands. ... Why is van Bommel telling the shirt to kick me in the groi...

When people get desperate, they tend to do weird things. This is one of those weird things. Down 1-0 to Ecuador in the 76th minute of a match to decide fourth place in the Campeonato Sudamericano and the final South American qualifier for the U-20 World Cup, Chile's Bryan Carrasco decided that a drastic measure -- like using an opponent's hand to hit himself -- was necessary to get a free kick for his team. So, that's what he did. At regular speed it looks like a standard case of Ecuador's Fernando Gaibor reaching back and hitting Carrasco as he tries to get position on a defender. But as the replays slow down, it looks more and more like Carrasco grabs Gaibor's wrist and slaps himself in the face with his opponent's hand. The match commentators couldn't hold back the shock and laughter as they realized the despicable yet goofy-looking lengths to which Carrasco sunk. But while the commentators busted a gut, the referee was tricked by what A Football Report ...

While South Africa struggles to find uses for all those dazzling new World Cup 2010 stadiums it can't afford the upkeep on, at least the country won't have to worry about their friends at FIFA suffering through similar financial concerns. Or any financial concerns at all. Because Sepp Blatter and his boys have $1.2 BILLION locked away at the "non-profit" governing organization just for giggles. From the AP : FIFA President Sepp Blatter says it has reserves of$1.2 billion thanks to the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. Blatter tells African football leaders that the financial results werebetter than the 2006 World Cup hosted by Germany. [...] FIFA began the World Cup year with reserves of $1.06 billion. FIFA said that money could sustain it for 18 months if a World Cup wascanceled. Blatter opened the Confederation of African Football assembly sayi...

While South Africa struggles to find uses for all those dazzling new World Cup 2010 stadiums it can't afford the upkeep on, at least the country won't have to worry about their friends at FIFA suffering through similar financial concerns. Or any financial concerns at all. Because Sepp Blatter and his boys have $1.2 BILLION locked away at the "non-profit" governing organization just for giggles. From the AP : FIFA President Sepp Blatter says it has reserves of$1.2 billion thanks to the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. Blatter tells African football leaders that the financial results werebetter than the 2006 World Cup hosted by Germany. [...] FIFA began the World Cup year with reserves of $1.06 billion. FIFA said that money could sustain it for 18 months if a World Cup wascanceled. Blatter opened the Confederation of African Football assembly sayi...

While some men would have sullenly contemplated the heavily hyped importance of finally getting Real Madrid past the Lyon and the Champions League round of 16, a playful Jose Mourinho spent the moments before the first leg low fiving the match's young mascots. He gave each child on both sides a little hand slap, bringing smiles to each of their faces -- except the last kid in blue, who nearly elbowed Mourinho in the ribs when The Special One surprised him with an ear tickle. The only thing missing from this moment was a musical number about imagination, candy and how dumb Rafa Benitez is. If Willy Wonka dressed in all black and wore and snood instead of a top hat, he would be Jose Mourinho. Which might explain reports that Karim Benzema looked like a giant blueberry for several days last November. Video via 101gg

In the final minutes of ADO Den Haag's 2-2 draw against Feyenoord last Sunday, the home side's Ahmed Ammi completely disregarded the ball and delivered a brutal flying elbow smash to Ryo Miyaichi's face. Miyaichi's teammate, Diego Biseswar was understandably upset by this and tried to go after Ammi, but when the referee finally settled things down, the punishments were a yellow card for Ammi and a yellow card for Biseswar. Meanwhile, Miyaichi is going to be having cold sweats for a while -- nervous that whenever he least expects it, Ahmed Ammi and his elbow could come swooping down out of the sky among a swarm of hungry and relentless seagulls. I assuming he doesn't likes seagulls, either.

Chelsea played well, finally, in the first leg of their Champions League tie against Copenhagen and got two away goals out of Nicolas Anelka. Still, Carlo Ancelotti feels compelled to remind you that a certain match against a certain English club in a certain town formerly known as Constantinople keeps him from feeling overly confident about the situation. From the Telegraph : Asked whether he now felt the tie against Copenhagen was over, Ancelotti issued a reminder of that Champions League final when he was coach of AC Milan and lost to Liverpool in 2005. Dont forget I lost a Champions League final when I was leading 3-0." While that night in Istanbul is the subject of stage plays in Liverpool , it is no doubt still the fuel to endless night terrors for Carlo. In his memoir, he described it as "six minutes of blackout," "a pneumatic void," and "a perfect machine in total breakdown.'' So his continued willingness to mention it in public show...

Back in 2006, when Steve McClaren left Middlesbrough to begin his ill-fated stint as England manager, a 25-year-old armed with vast experience in the highly addictive and cripplingly detailed Football Manager video game and a brief spell in charge of a real-life Under-11 team decided to apply for the vacant position. John Boileau was working through a list of things he wanted to do before he turned 30 (which would even earn him a write-up on the BBC ) when he sent a brilliant letter to Middlesbrough chairman Steve Gibson declaring his interest and qualifications for the vacant position at the then Premier League side. And he got an equally brilliant response form Gibson himself. The supremely excellent Letters of Note reminded us of this bit of delightfulness and republished their correspondence, which you can see right this way... At the time, Boileau concluded that Middlesbrough and Steve Gibson " are ace " and I have to agree. From Boileau stating his "very reasona...

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-winning Dirty Tackle... Tunisia beat Congo in the African Nations Championship and topped it off by mocking opposing goalkeeper Mutebe Kidiaba's signature goal celebration. [ 101gg ] Gerard Pique and Shakira are staring at you. [ Kickette ] Barcelona and the many flavors of arrogance. [ Twisted Blood ] Fernando Torres, Carmelo Anthony, and liberated fandom. [ Good Men ] AS is kind of sorry for doing a bit of tricky photoshoppery to make Dani Alves look offside. [ Deadspin ] Ronaldinho as the baby on the cover of Nirvana's Nevermind album. [ Original Winger ] Philipp Lahm is an intense thinker. [ The Offside ] MLS looking for TV broadcast feedback on Twitter. [ MFUSA ] Your weekend in Freddy Adu. Respect The Adu! [ Avoiding The Drop ] If you use Messi's image to further your homophobic political career, he will sue you. [ Unprofessional Foul ] Is Xavi secretly pretending ! to be vi deo-game Xavi? [ Run...

Rino Gattuso has been given a four-match ban for his headbutt-laced chats with Spurs assistant Joe Jordan last week. Added to the fact that he was already set to miss the second leg after picking up a yellow card between run-ins with Jordan in the first and that brings Gattuso to a five-match ban in total. Which he considers to be like a month-long prison sentence. He told an Italian TV show (via Football Italia ): They gave me a five-match ban... they may as well have put me in prison for a month! I wanted to be at the second leg in London, but was advised not to go. Theres 37,000 of them in that stadium, Id have returned with a swollen face from 37,000 slaps. For some reason, I don't think Gattuso sees that prospect as a bad thing at all. Still, by "advised not to go" I think he means that Silvio Berlusconi is going to put a muzzle and a straight jacket on him and lock him in a cage at Milanello while the rest of the team makes the trip. As for the scuffle with Jordan...

Though the Internet was made for the sole purpose of allowing people to semi-anonymously spew hate and bile about others in a public forum, Brugge have proved they are intent on punishing this staple of modern life. First they demoted former Belgium national team goalkeeper Stijn Stijnen to the reserves for being the person they believed was behind a series of messages on a Brugge fan site slamming the team's other goalkeepers and new business managers. Now, following his brother and girlfriend's admission that they were the ones writing the comments, they've "decided to end their cooperation with immediate effect." Which is Belgian for "We don't care if your contract runs until 2015, get out. Now." From the AP : In comments linked to his entourage on the fan web site blauwzwartforum.be,the goalkeeper was described as a hero or wonderful and top, whilefellow Brugge goalkeepers and management were denigrated. Very weak game of (Geert) De Vlieger, one ...

Now that Jens Lehmann is retired and no longer bringing the crazy to pitches across Europe, he's decided to work towards his coaching badges with the ultimate goal of becoming a transfer-dealing sporting director. He will be taking courses later this year, but he told the Daily Mail that he will be given a head start by coaching youth players for a few days next month at his former club, Arsenal . The following is a transcript of the trial session that convinced Arsenal to give him this opportunity. Lehmann: Hello. Welcome, welcome, children. It is an honor to be here. My name is Harry Pain and I will be your coach for the day. Frimpong: Excuse me, sir. But aren't you Jens Lehmann? Lehmann: Very good. When I am a player, yes, I am Jens Lehmann. But when I am your coach, I am Mr. Harry Pain. I wear a suit. I have a dog. I eat peanut butter for lunch. Now, we will begin by watching a film about a tidal wave that destroyed a small island village. Freeman: Mr. Lehmann -- I mean...

From Graeme Souness' player-manager days at Rangers we have another example of how to clear defenders out of your way in a blatantly violent and ill-advised way. As the defender got dangerously close to his ball, Souness delivered a devastatingly stompy kick to his inner thigh, then immediately tried to divert the watching referee's attention to a discoloration on the back of his sock. It didn't work, though. This does make you wonder who chews out the player-manager for assaulting an opponent. It would be too easy to just sit in his office and yell at a mirror, so I like to think the kit man has inflated authority in situations like this.

Yes, the woman in the bottom left corner is most likely possessed by the devil. Andy Carroll is apparently ahead of schedule in his recovery from a thigh injury and could make his Liverpool debut this weekend, so to prepare for that momentous occasion, Carroll and his new manager, Kenny Dalglish, did a bit of bonding...at a Boyzone concert. The pair was spotted at Liverpool's Echo Arena on Tuesday night for the Irish manband's show by a Twitter user , which prompts a great many questions. Namely, of all the things these two could have done together -- bowling, tandem bike riding, For anyone blissfully unaware of what Boyzone does, here's a taste of what Kenny and Andy took in... It's nice to see Dalglish picking up where Kevin Nolan left off by taking Carroll under his wing, but this could set a very time-consuming precedent. I mean, he might have to take Steven Gerrard to a Phil Collins performance now. Or Raul Meireles to a Wavves show. "I hope they play 'Ke...

David Beckham's training spell with Spurs has come to an end, but before he begrudgingly returns to the LA Galaxy for one last season in his American prison, he gave his Premier League training partners one final gift (aside from the experience of practicing with him). From the Independent : The midfielder left Spurs after training on Monday, but not before ordering in pie and mash, a traditional working-class London meal. Redknapp teased reporters at the club's training ground when he said: "You don't know what it is. "It's only us Cockneys that know - I had three actually; I nicked an extra pie. I was brought up on it in the East End, it was fantastic. "He had them delivered but I think some of the foreign lads were not too sure what to make of it - so we had their portions!" In light of his tax evasion charges , Harry Redknapp probably shouldn't go around announcing that he's stealing pies. That aside, between this, the brillian...

Roma suffered their fourth straight loss after going up 3-0 against Genoa on Sunday on to lose 4-3. This prompted manager Claudio Ranieri to resign effective immediately as fans got angrier. On Monday, Ranieri issued his final thanks and goodbyes, then climbed into his tiny white car, put on his hands-free headset and drove off into the overcast sunset with a big smile on his face. Here's what he said (via Football Italia ): I hope that Vincenzo Montella and my lads can keep the Roma flag flying high, always and everywhere, Ranieri noted this evening. In these hours, many people have sent messages of faith and support to me, people from the footballing world and non. I thank everyone, in particular President Rosella Sensi for her kind words and for the opportunity to Coach the team of my heart. I once again thank the team for our journey together and for the success which we have shared with everyone at Trigoria. I would also like to thank the fans who, in a delicate moment of my ...

As much as Lionel Messi may want to, you probably won't see him try this move as a way to get defenders off of him. As you can see in this super high definition video of an amateur game, the pass then punch combo move brings the referee over pretty quick with a red card held over his head. Still, the player sent off appears to argue because if you're insane enough to blatantly punch someone in the face, you're insane enough to argue getting sent off for it.

It's only been a short time since Ronaldo retired, so most people are taking this time to remember his many joyous and masterful performances on the pitch. But former Brazil and Real Madrid manager Vanderlei Luxemburgo would like to tell everyone about the time Ronaldo was embarrassed about having to play while wearing adult diapers instead. Luxemburgo remembers back to 1999 when he coached Brazil to their sixth of eight Copa America titles and Ronaldo had to play through the regrettable side effects of a laxative diet. From the New York Daily News : Ronaldo was already overweight, and we explored every possible way of making him drop some pounds, Luxemburgo said, according to AS of Spain . The [team] doctor gave him medicine, Xenical, which was effective, but it also accelerated his bowel movements. So, in order to avoid any incidents, the player had to wear diapers, which embarrassed him. Even embarrassment and diapers couldn't stop Ronaldo from leading La Selecao to its then...

Crawley Town manager and convicted criminal Steve Evans drifted into the shadowy realm of creepy touch as he consoled Matt Tubbs after his side's valiant effort in their 1-0 loss to Manchester United on Saturday. Though the big-spending non-league side failed to harness the manufactured whimsy that is the "magic of the FA Cup," Evans didn't exactly get his tips frosted and make-up done for nothing. Crawley made more than1 million off the match (thanks to the TV broadcast and their share of Old Trafford gate receipts) and Evans got to 250 bottle of red wine with Alex Ferguson after the match. "All right, Mr. Ferguson, I'm ready for my close-up." Photos: Reuters, Getty

As per usual, the derby of eternal enemies on Saturday between Olympiakos and Panathinaikos included fire, violence and even a bit of football. This time, much of the fire and violence was let loose immediately after Olympiakos' 2-1 win in front of their home fans, who reacted by storming the pitch, tearing at the goals like desperate parents going for the last Tickle Me Elmo, setting off massive fireballs in front of riot police (0:36 into the video) and physically beating Panathinaikos players. From the Canadian Press : The delirious Olympiakos fans charged onto the pitch at the final whistle and Panathinaikos players, already upset by a disallowed goal and the manner of the winner, claimed they were attacked. Panathinaikos forward Djibril Cisse, one of the players allegedly attacked by the crowd, was so angry he told reporters he would leave Greece in a few months. "Enough is enough," Cisse told reporters after the game. "I have taken my decision. You (the reporte...

In a Turkish Super Lig match against Sivasspor on Friday, Eskisehirspor's Pele (not that Pele) and Sezer Ozturk both really wanted to take the injury-time free kick. With the match even at 1-1, this was the moment for one man to step up and be a hero for his club in front of the home fans. This was the moment for one man to put his fortitude on display and prove his supremacy. And both players wanted to be that man. So much so that they fought over the ball like greedy kids in a schoolyard. Pele ended up winning out and after looking to the bench for some backup that wasn't there, Ozturk relented and took his position away from the ball. "All right, tough guy. You want it that bad? Let's see you screw this up so I can rip on you mercilessly until the club finally sells you to a third-division side for a bag of oranges," Ozturk probably thought. He would have the last laugh. They'll never let anyone but him take a free kick again. They'll see. And then, wi...

Though Jack Wilshere performance in Arsenal's 2-1 first leg win over Barcelona on Wednesday has journalists pleasuring themselves to the thought of him , the 19-year-old Man of the Match apparently got cold feet when it came to the post-match shirt exchange. Cesc Fabregas called him out on Twitter for being too afraid to ask Lionel Messi for his shirt, to which Jack replied [sic'd]: you are the skipper mate you should look after your players ;) Thanks though and next time in going after your mate iniesta! I like to think he's not talking about shirts there and instead proclaiming his intention to severely injure Andres Iniesta with a savage tackle at the Camp Nou. Anyway, Wilshere not only got Messi's shirt after the match, but another goodie, as well. And he posted a picture of his treasures on Twitter! Of course. That's Jack and his father holding up Messi and Xavi's shirts. Not a bad haul. One day, when the public turns on Wilshere after he's caught che...