The uneventful life of a retired footballer

I'm Bert Tiddle and you've never heard of me. While I was playing for Ipswich Town in 1985, I went to the offices of the local paper and declared myself the greatest footballer alive. The next day, they ran the headline "Local Mental Patient Thinks He's Pele." This is why journos are awful. And Pele is a numpty.

Everyone's going on about Leonard Messi and Charles Ronaldo these days. Just last night, Hemorrhage, one of my 18 kids, wouldn't shut up about how he thought Messi is better and then Montalban, another one of my 18 kids, yelled that Ronaldo is better and then everyone started arguing about it while they let the spinach casserole I spent all day making go cold. This is why children are wretched and it should be legal to sell them.

Unfortunately, my kids aren't the only wastes of space arguing about this matter. It's in the papers and on the television. Even the degenerates who are too dumb to realize there's pornography on the Internet argue about it on there too. So what's the answer -- Messi or Ronaldo? Who is the absolute best? Lucky for you, old Bert has the answer.

There doesn't have to be one best. There just doesn't. They're both brilliant and deciding one is better than the other doesn't matter at all. It doesn't change anything and it doesn't matter. If one of them is named the absolute best footballer in the world, it's not going to make your life any better or stop homeless people from trying to sell me flowers on the street. It's just not. Would you go mental arguing about who the single best plumber in the world? No. Because it doesn't matter.

So the next time you waste time debating who is better -- Len Messi or Charlie Ronaldo -- just remember that you're an idiot and everyone else on the planet is doing something more productive than you. I'm going to fix a toilet.

Follow Bert on Twitter if you'd like to read more about how he thinks you and many of the biggest names in football are idiots.

Photo: AP