Dimitar Berbatov is...The Continental

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me buying supplies for our erotic Valentine's Day together. ... Yes, I know you said you already had plans and threatened to call the police if I asked you again, but since I had my cousin Timitar Berbatov inform your boyfriend that we are having a torrid and awkward love affair, it seems your plans have been tragically canceled. Ha-HA!

I do realize that this wasn't the ideal way to begin what will surely be a memorable and odiferous celebration, but once you see what I purchased with Paul Scholes' credit card, you'll be squealing with delight. ... No, I don't have Chicharito a.k.a. Little Berba in the bag so you can celebrate Valentine's Day with him -- I have several things that are even better. ... No, nothing that I am severely allergic to. Please stop guessing, because your guesses have all been very wrong and very unsexy so far. I don't want to ruin the Berba-bewilderment of the surprise, but I will give you a hint. The items in my hands may or may not be mayonnaise, old fish I found behind the market, cat food, a spatula, and water made from babies. But I will not confirm or deny whether those are the arousing items I am carrying until you enter my candle-lit van this evening and sign several forms acknowledging that you know you are being filmed for an amateur adult film called "Justin Bieber Presents: The Berba, Never Say Never."

By now I'm sure you're getting quite tingly as you prepare yourself for our romantic evening. ... Yes, I see that you have a tazer. You should definitely bring that with you tonight. Ha-HA!. ... But I doubt you'll want to use it on me once I remove my cap to reveal my perfectly receding widow's peak and unzip my jacket to reveal the picture of Kama Sutra squirrels I drew on my chest. Ha-HA!

Oh-OHHH! ! You just tazed me and caused me to drop my bag of erotic wonders! Oh, this is terrible! I can't stop convulsing and the old fish has fallen onto the road! Oh, if only I had declared the five second rule in effect. Oh, and now you're walking away from me. This is not how I fantasized our Valentine's earlobe rubbing would play out. Still, you should come by the van around 7.

Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of...The Continental...