Artur Boruc's Friday Rage List

AHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. AHHHHHHHHHHHH -- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. OLYMPIAKOS FANS TEARING DOWN GOALS UNLEASHING FIREBALLS AND ATTACKING PLAYERS AFTER A WIN -- HOW COULD YOU BE SO CRUEL!?!?!???!?!?!?! MAKING MY DREAMS COME TRUE AND NOT INVITING ME TO TAKE PART IS INCREDIBLY MEAN AND DISHEARTENING!!!!!!!!!!! IF I WAS A PANATHINAIKOS PLAYER I WOULD HAVE FOUGHT YOUR FIREBALLS WITH A SERIES OF ROUNDHOUSE KICKS SO POWERFUL THAT THEY WOULD HAVE MADE YOU ILLITERATE!!!!!!!!!!

3. RONALDO WEARING DIAPERS IN 1999 -- THIS IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF!!!!!!!! SOMETIMES THE THINGS PEOPLE INGEST WHETHER IT'S XENICAL OR GALLONS OF PAINT THINNER OR BOTH MIXED WITH CHARCOAL AND PASTA SAUCE MAKE THEM LOSE CONTROL OF THEIR BOWELS!!!!!!!!!!! IT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE ALMOST CONSTANTLY!!!!!!!!! AND IF YOU SAY IT DOESN'T I WILL QUICKLY CHANGE THE SUBJECT TO HOW STUPID YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- I WAS READING A CHILDREN'S BOOK THIS WEEK AND ONE OF THE PAGES SAID "C IS FOR CORN"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH THE CORN IS WARPING OUR CHILDREN'S MINDS AND IS PROBABLY THE REASON SO MANY OF THEM CAN'T DEFEND THEMSELVES AGAINST A FALCON PUNCH TO THE HEAD WHILE THEY SLEEP!!!!!!!!!

5. KENNY DALGLISH AND ANDY CARROLL AT A BOYZONE CONCERT -- THIS IS DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!! HOW LOW DO YOU HAVE TO BE ON TESTOSTERONE TO EVEN CONSIDER ATT! ENDING A BOYZONE CONCERT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? EVERBODY KNOWS THAT REAL MEN GO TO TAYLOR SWIFT SHOWS AND CRY WHEN SHE SINGS "FIFTEEN"!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH HER KNOWLEDGE OF HOW HARD IT IS TO BE A 15 YEAR OLD MAKES ME WANT TO SPIN IN A CIRCLE WHILE FLOWERS FALL AROUND ME AND A RIVER OF SEVERED LIMBS FLOWS THROUGH MY BREAKFAST NOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. MOURINHO TOUCHING THE MASCOTS -- HOW COME WHEN JOSE MOURINHO LOW FIVES A BUNCH OF KIDS EVERYONE SWOONS BUT WHEN I DELIVER THE AFOREMENTIONED FALCON PUNCHES WHILE THEY SLEEP EVERYONE HAS A PROBLEM WITH IT?!?!?!?!??!? AHHHHHHHHHH I GUESS HE REALLY IS THE SPECIAL ONE!!!!!!!!!!!

7. BRYAN CARRASCO HITTING HIMSELF WITH AN OPPONENT'S HAND -- THIS IS DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!! COMPLETELY DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF HE WANTS SOMEONE TO HIT HIM SO BAD THAT HE WOULD STOOP TO USING AN OPPONENT LIKE A PUPPET HE ONLY HAS TO CALL ME!!!!!!! I WILL HIT HIM IN THE EYESOCKET WITH A DVD PLAYER SO HARD THAT HIS ONLY REMAINING MEMORIES WILL BE SCENES FROM "THE HOTTIE AND THE NOTTIE"!!!!!!!

8. THE TUMBLING PHYSIO -- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?!?!?! YOUR JOB IS TO HELP PEOPLE NOT TO DO GYMNASTICS LIKE A FLYING SQUIRREL!!!!!!!! ANY PHYSIO THAT DOES THIS WHILE A PLAYER IS HURT DESERVES TO HAVE A CAN OF MAGIC SPRAY SHOVED DOWN HIS THROAT AND SET ON FIRE!!!!!!!!! ACTUALLY THAT MIGHT MAKE IMMORTAL!!!!!!! WHICH WOULD BE EVEN MORE HORRIFYING!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH MY IMPLAUSIBLE THREATS ARE STARTING TO BACKFIRE ON ME!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO LAST SUNDAY I WAS HAVING A PRIVATE 30TH BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION FOR MYSELF THAT INCLUDED BROKEN GLASS A GALLON OF PAINT THINNER SEVERAL WOODLAND CREATURES AND BOX OF USED NEEDLES!!!!!!!!! IT WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!! BUT THEN I! N THE MI DDLE OF MY CELEBRATION MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI AND HIS TWO GOOBER KIDS CAME OVER WITH A CAKE AND STARTED SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY REFUSED TO STOP UNTIL THE SONG WAS FINISHED EVEN THOUGH I SCREAMED IN THEIR FACES LIKE A LION FILLED WITH RED BULL THE WHOLE TIME!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN THEY FINALLY FINISHED THEY MADE ME BLOW OUT THE CANDLES AND MAKE A WISH!!!!!!!!!! THEN ONE OF THE GOOBER KIDS ASKED ME WHAT MY WISH WAS AND I SAID "I CAN'T TELL YOU OR IT WON'T COME TRUE!!!!!!!!!!" BUT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT MY WISH WAS FOR HIM TO LOSE ALL HIS BABY TEETH AT ONCE IN THE MOST DISTURBING WAY POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!! ANYWAY THEY STAYED FOR A FEW HOURS AND WE PLAYED PIN THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE ONE DAY I CAN PIN A TAIL ON DAN AND HE GETS TETANUS FROM IT!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!