Dimitar Berbatov is...The Continental

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me wearing a super cool outfit while posing with one of my many admirers. Excuse me if I don't seem as happy and erotically joyous as I usually am, but I just got word that my team, Manchester United, lost for the first time this season over the weekend. ... Yes, I know I started the match -- I was there physically, yet mentally, I was here, at Hedonism II, wearing a hat I stole from an old woman and short shorts that show off my powerful legs. Ha-HA! You're enjoying this Berba eye candy, aren't you? ... I'll take that violent gagging as a yes!

Perhaps you're wondering why I would play a match in some English village that is not Manchester or London while taking a mental holiday at this sexy Jamaican resort that tried to kick me out for improper use of the dining hall condiments last night. ... Well, I'll tell you anyway. It's because your dear Berba has been giving Manchester United a sensual piggy-back ride all season and I figured I deserved a much needed break. ... No, I won't be accepting blame for the loss. That lies solely with Wayne Rooney, who has scored fewer goals this season than I did in one match against Blackburn. Ha-HA!

Now, I know you're also probably wondering what's in the black sack strapped to my chest. Well, I'll give you a hint -- it might be full of jellyfish that I plan on using in an exciting new way or it might be the aforementioned dining hall condiments that I plan to use as a sort of odiferous bodypaint. ... Why are you running away?

Oh-OHHH! I think my admirer has stolen my wallet! Oh, this is horrible! I probably should have been more suspicious when he called me "that rich footballer." Oh, this is a complete disaster. From now on, I will be taking my mental holidays exclusively at Hedonism III!

Join us again next time for another chapt! er in th e life of...The Continental...

Photo via Kickette